Picking up a Crying Baby

Updated on June 22, 2008
P.L. asks from Manhattan Beach, CA
16 answers

My 4 month old daughter doesn't like to sleep during the day. (Luckily, she does most of her sleeping at night!) But during the day, she gets fussy and usually needs to be held and rocked before she'll fall asleep. I'm fine doing this, but our nanny and husband agree that we should allow her to cry herself to sleep in order not to spoil her. I'm not sure I agree with this. But they feel that if she learns to sleep by herself now, that it will be better in the future. I'd love to hear other thoughts and opinions on this.

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So What Happened?

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. After reading all of the blogs, my husband has agreed that she's too young to CIO, and it's OK to hold her when she cries. That said, we're now trying to incorporate more of a bed time routine. It still involves holding her if she cries, but hopefully once she's in a routine, she'll fall asleep faster. Thanks again. It's great to get advice from the real experts out there!

More Answers

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J.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi P.:
Answering your baby's cries at this early age,is all part of bonding with her.I can't believe that your nanny is suggesting that you leave her cry at 4 months old. Everyone has their own methods and beliefs as far as cio,However at this time,your daughter is to young to even consider that method.I don't get it sometimes.Do people think that you have a baby ( merely for show or what? We have babies to love and nurture. (Not leave alone to cry for their mothers arms. You follow your motherly instincts P..If your heart tells you to go to her,don't you let anyone inhibit you.As another mother said here. You (CANNOT)spoil a baby.And, you can never display (TO MUCH LOVE)I wish you and your beautiful girl the best. J.

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M.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I picked up my kids a lot, carried them in a carrier everywhere I went and never let them cry it out. This wasn't hard to do, I just listened to my gut and lucky for me, I didn't have any well meaning family/friends telling me otherwise. In the end, so far my 3 and 5 year are well adjusted, independent and don't need to be carried everywhere. in other words, I don't feel that I "ruined" them.

Listen to your gut,
M.

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E.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi P.,
In my opinion, I think your instincts are correct.
You can't spoil a baby. Their only language is crying so it's up to us to "read" the crying.
I cuddled my older daughter to sleep and she sleeps fine now-she's almost 4. I do the same for my 4 month old. Sometimes she wakes during her nap time and can put herself back to sleep.
I understand your husband's concern-I truly do. Everyone wants an independant child. But, IMO, if you let a child cry, you are teaching them that they CAN'T depend on you to meet their needs.
So, just my 2 cents. I agree with you & think you should follow your instincts!

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R.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

she is 4 months old. pick her up. Babies are social creatures and like to be with you. If you want to pick her up, do so. You can't spoil a 4 month old. If your nanny doesn't agree... Get a new nanny.
Good luck
R.

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L.K.

answers from San Diego on

We tried letting our 4 month old cry it out, and she was just too little. A month and a half later, it worked like a charm. We had a plan, and stuck to it. It only took one episode of crying for 1/2 hour. It was hard for me, but she is now 20 months old and has never protested going down. People say it's cruel because the child feels like nobody is coming to get them, but I thought that was the point:) Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I really recommend the book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child".

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H.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I've never thought that picking up a crying baby was spoiling. I always tried to respond to my daughter's cues and don't believe in CIO (crying it out) babies need to be held. My daighter is confident and most importantly trusts that her parents will take care of her. Listen to your heart. Best, H.

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T.H.

answers from Las Vegas on

Dear P.,
Babies cry for several reasons. One of which is because they want to know "Mommy is here for me and she loves me." I think you should follow your instincts anpick your baby up as often as you want to, maybe even more often. Allowing her to cry herself to sleep will only tell her she is alone when it is time to sleep. Let her know she has you, always. This will ultimately reasure her to be independent in the future, because she will know you will be there to catch her if she fails.
Fire the Nanny.

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L.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi P.: I'm glad to hear she sleeps through the night - so important! She does need daytime naps as you have figured out. As others have mentioned there are other ways to train babies in better sleep habits that doesn't necessarily involving crying - or much of it. There are some great books out there that I suggest you read through. It might be as simple as going to Amazon.com and searching for "sleep training for babies" and read a couple of the reviews. I liked "Baby Whisperer" principles by Tracey Hogg, and "THe Happiest Baby on the Blcok" by Harvey Karp is quite popular, although I have not read it and can't personally recommend it. You could even go to the parenting section of a large nearby library and see what they have. I liked the practical books that gave me step-by-step instructions because it gave me a starting point that I could alter to suit my baby's needs. I always started out "sleep training" my babies from the moment they came home and have had good sleepers, happy babies, and a sense of sanity - with all 5 of my kids! God bless your efforts!

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V.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

Your baby is only 4 months old so naturally you don't feel comfortable with this way of putting your baby to sleep, I don't either. Your husband and nanny have a good point but that is only one method. If your not comfortable with putting her down and letting her cry herself to sleep there are other methods out there that lead to the same result- the baby sleeping through the night. The self-soothing method is a nice happy medium for you all. Before bedtime every night create a 20 minute routine- bath, story, soft music etc. Feed your baby and when she's drowsy put her in her crib to fall asleep on her own. If she cries you can go back in the room to soothe her with your voice but don't pick her up. This will condition her to fall asleep on her own. Some people wait 5 minutes before going in the room to soothe the baby and then only stay 1 minute. The next night you would wait 10 minutes before going in and then next night 15 minutes until the baby gets used to it and falls asleep on her own. You don't have to do that though if you don't want to. You can just go in as you need to sooth her with your voice. It depends on what your comfortable with. It will take about a week or so for the baby to get used to it. Within two weeks of putting themselves to sleep at bedtime she's likely to start sleeping through the night or at least for most of the night. Then respond to her in the middle of the night to feed her as you normally would although some people put their babies to sleep and don't pick them up until morning. I personally don't agree with that method but you do what feels right for you and your baby. I feel babies cry for a reason and that there is no way you could ever spoil a baby too much. They cry to see if you will respond to them and to see if they can trust you. So don't ignore your babies cries. There are other methods as well you can try so I would read about them in a baby book or look online. Good luck to you. I know how important a good nights sleep is for your baby and for you.

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N.E.

answers from Honolulu on

Hi P.. My daughter, who is now 7 months old, went through the same thing. I have gotten her to sleep regularly through the day and night now, but when she was about your daughters age, she did NOT like to stay up either. My husband, like yours, thought she was going to get spoiled by always rocking her to sleep. I disagreed. To me, how can a 4 month old even grasp the concept of spoiling. Yes, I can see if shes a year old, but a four month old needs your love, touch, and that also builds trust. You will see that your four month old will have a lot more trust and feel more comfortable when you pick her up to soothe her. I must warn you though lol, my daughter picked it up real quick and started yelling for my attention because I was always the one to pick her up. But instead of picking her up when she screamed or cried for me, I walked away out of her sight and came back when she stopped crying. I also told her what I was going to do before I did it. Ex. "Honey, I'll be back for you when you stop screaming ok?" Walk away and come back for her when she stops screaming. Works like a charm. Unless ofcourse shes crying for a legitimate reason, not just because she wants up. Hope this helps :o) Oh, another thing, my daughter KNOCKS OUT after a bottle or a full tummy. Try feeding her right before you put her down for a nap.

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A.N.

answers from San Diego on

tending to a child with love and understanding is what you role of mother and father is
they are wrong in what they say
leaving a child to cry when you are there and feel moved to rock them to sleep is unneccesary cruelty and can lead to all kinds of deep and permanent emotional problems in life.

follow your intuition and listen to your heart, people like to undermine mothers, or think of their own convenience ...but you know what to do.
;-)
What can be a mistake, though, and what they may be getting at is, it to run to baby with every sound, especially at night when you want them to learn that it's sleep time not play time.

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M.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi P.,
My daughter is almost 5 months and I have been really experimenting with her naps lately. What I have found best for her is to not let her get over tired. If she had eaten and has been awake for 1.5-2 hours and she is happy and relaxed then I try to put her in her crib. When she had not reached the really tired stage of rubbing her eyes and fussing then she goes down much easier. I just put her in her crib and she just lays there and talks and watches her little music/ocean toy. Then she just drifts off to sleep and she always sleeps for so much longer when she goes down for naps this way. Today I put her down like that (when she was awake and happy) and she slept for 3 hours. Then went down again 1.5 hours later and then to bed 2 hours after that.
When I wait to long to put her down for a nap or to bed at night and she is rubbing her eyes and fussing, then once I put her in her crib she cries. I do know that she is tired and I let her cry for a little while because I know that she will fall asleep. If she really starts to cry hard, like more than a protest cry then I pick her up. I know she is just crying because she is over tired. But like your husband and nanny, I do think it's good to help them learn to self soothe themselves to sleep.It is something that we all have to do...we wake up at night and we have to fall back to sleep. I think it will get easier because she will know what's coming when you put her down and she will just roll over and go to sleep.
I have learned and I am still learning...I have an almost 3 year old that still does not have the best sleep habits, so I knew that I had to be better with our new baby.
She is a much better sleeper already and it's because I have not let bad habits start with her.
I do agree that you can not spoil a baby. They love our warmth and touch and cuddles, but you will also be doing her a great favor by letting her learn to self soothe because when she is 3 years old you will just want to say "good night honey" and leave her room and not have to lay with her etc.
"Heathly sleep habits Happy child" is a great book about sleep and so is "the happiest baby on the block."
Good luck!

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N.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi P.,
I agree with the parents that have said pick up the baby. I too disagree with the concept of allowing a baby to cry, so not to spoil them. Crying is their only way of communicating. If it's to say hold me, love me, show me comfort. Hold your baby, comfort her. Showing her love will not spoil her. Just wait when she's on the go. Then you'll wish you held her just a wee bit longer. Good luck~

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R.W.

answers from Los Angeles on

My lo does the same thing. She just fights going to sleep so much, even when I pick her up she doesn't like to go to sleep. I use to get her every time she would start but now if she is in her crib i just turn on her music give her the paci and some times she will stop. I do let her CIO but only for 5 min. max, if she doesn't stop them I just go in there and talk to her to calm her then when she is better give the paci back and to sleep she goes. Some times I will put her in the swing and just go on with what I an doing. Good luck hope it works.

R. Mommy to Isabell

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E.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi P.,

Get a baby sling, I guarantee it will calm and soothe her, and you'll still be able to do everything you need to do because you''ll have your hands free.

You can't hold your baby too much...ever! Hold her as much as you can, a time will come when she'll be a teenager and you'll long for these days again! lol

You sound like an excellent mom - you have very good instincts, trust yourself.

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N.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Pick her up - she is still very little. Many studies have found that babies that are soothed unconditionally in the first six months of life are more secure and able to function better on their own when they are older. The young babies who are left to cry are less secure and less self sufficient. Bottom line - you can't spoil an infant.

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