Passing of a Child

hi, my response is more support than advise. I would say that there is no right or wrong to that situation. I think you need to reply how ever you feel comfortable at that time. Somedays you may want to share and others not. I myself dont think there would be any harm in handling it that way.

I haven't lost a child, but my brother and his wife did a while back. I haven't asked them, but I would answer it differently for different people. If it's someone I know well or haven't seen in year, I might answer 3 and explain that you lost a baby. They know you and can offer you support and sympathy.

If I was meeting someone for the first time, or just someone in line at the grocery store, etc., I would say two, especially if the children are with me. If you say three, they will may ask where the other child is, and then you have to explain.

Just my feelings. Maybe someone who has lost a child can give a better answer.

I called my sister whos son died when he was 2 mo. ans asked her what she says. She said it depends on her mood and if she doesn't think she'l have to explain. Most of the time 2 is the answer that slips out. Since her daughter is only 3 month old people know her son must be older and to be a brat she tell them how old he would be because in her heart that is how old he is.

Hi C.,
I can totally get where you are coming from. I, too, lost a child. I lost my first son, Cole, in 2003, after learning he had a fatal genetic defect when I was six months pregnant. I had to opt to end the pregnancy with being told that if I carried him to term, there was a big chance I my uterus would rupture, leaving no chance for future pregnancies. It was the HARDEST decision I had to make and my grief on losing him is compounded by my having to make a decision to end the pregnancy. I dont' talk about it to anyone, really, but sometimes when I meet a new friend or someone I casually meet, I will tell them I have three children, the first of which passed away. I have since had two beautiful, healthy children, ages almost 3 and 16 months. I think of my oldest child often, but it's funny how detached I feel from the whole thing, too, sometimes. I never got to see him alive, only got to feel his kicks and hold him after he was born, but I know he's our angel. I go through the range of emotions of guilt, self hatred, but when I see my two living children, I know my oldest had a huge part in bringing them to me.
I can only say this: if you feel comfortable at the time when someone asks you how many, you can simlply say that you have three children, two of whom are living. I have read on many sites about it being not such a taboo thing, but in life, I have never run across another mother who has lost a child, so I feel so weird sometimes bringing it up, like they are waiting for me to break down when I talk about it. But every day I learn from Cole and his loss and most important, what he brought to my life in terms of stregthening my relationship with my husband (he was my boyfriend at the time). Anyway, I hope this helped.
I am a mother of three kids, two of whom are living. I am 29 years old and have been married going on four years in June. If you want to email me, its ____@____.com

im so sorry!! ive never lost a child, never had a miscarriage either, but a lady i know of, the way she says it (she lost the recent one about 8mo ago when she was 6mo preg) is that 'she has 3 babies here on earth, and 2 little angels watching over her'. i think thats a sweet way to put it.

Hi C.-
First as with everyone else I have not lost a child, but my cousin died 3 years ago of leukemia and his mom still says she has 4 children.If they ask how old she will say all 3 and then say Liam was 8 when he passed away..But, my neighbor lost a child at 24 weeks and she is on website that has helped her more than you can imagine and it is called Share it is for infant and pregnancy loss and those women have lost either infants like yourself or during pregnancy...Here is the email address and if you want my neighbors email she still grieves for Nicholas years later..It is something that will be with you forever...I hope this helps and if you need her name and email please ask..
____@____.com

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/

M.

Hi C., after reading your post I'm truly touched. A mother losing her child is the hardestest thing anyone would ever have to go through. I witnessed this first hand growing up as a child. My aunt, who I thought of as my older sister, and I were raised by my mother and grandmother. She was 15 when she was murdered, I was 7. It seemed as though my Grandmother's hair had turned grey over night over the loss of her youngest. My heart aches just thinking about it. I'm truly sorry for your loss and if anyone asks you how many children you have just tell them you have 2 children and one angel. God bless C.

C.
I know the pain and indecision this causes for conversation. I am a mother of 3- 2 boys and a girl, however my 1st son and my daughter both passed away. This is something that breaks my heart everyday, but I have learned to deal with the situation like this-
Honestly, when people ask how many children you have, it is in casual conversation and it makes everything awkward if you bring up you deceased child. I just say one, if this is a person I may become close with later, then it warrants an explaination.. if not, there is no sense in bringing the painful conversation up. I know how many children I hold in my heart and in the end, that is all that matters. Again, if you decide to become close with the people asking then you can share your story at a more appropriate time. This is my way of coping and I hope it helps. M.

Dear C.,
Hi! When I read your request, it really went to heart. I first off want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. Its hard to let go of a thing like this, and still hold on to the memory. My suggestion, just to avoid another open wound, would be to tell people that you have two kids right now. You HAD three, and while the one that passed away still lives vibrantly in your heart, you eventually have to realize that your baby is not physically here. Saying that you have three kids probably is a comfort thing, because that creates a warm comfortable place where you want to be. Then, when you explain it, you have to open up the painful side of it, which is what you don't want to do with everyone.
My mom had 5 miscarraiges and lost 1 to still birth. When she would talk about Scottie, the still birth, she would talk about how much she loved him, and how my dad was so excited to teach him how to fix cars, play ball, etc. So, my mom always felt guilty for losing the only boy she was ever knowingly pregnant with. She finally was able to let the guilt thing go. I remember there were times that she didn't want it brought up, and we all respected it. She's never refered to him in the present tense with us though.
I cannot tell you when or how to pull through this, because everyone's situation is so different. Even though he passed away in1998, you have your own process, and it will take its own time healing. It seems you are still having a really hard time with it, so maybe if you could find a support group, maybe some moms in this site even, or talk to a counselor, he/she could help you figure out how to put your baby in the past without feeling like you are letting go, completely. Because the truth is you will never let go of your children. Whether they are here now, were for a few days, or growing in our tummies for just a few months, they are still our babies, and we bond with that the minute we find out we are pregnant.
You are not giving up on your baby when you say you have two children, you clearly loved him/her very much.
If what I said doesn't help, I'm sorry. Its only coming from the perspective of a child who heard her mom talk about it, and from a mommy herself. But, I hope it does, and I will keep you in my prayers,.C.. If you need anything, don't hesitate to email me.
Just an idea.... I go this support group that centers around every kind of problem there is, and we have open discussions where we just talk about what is on our minds. There is no responses, no conversation. Just you talking to other people one night out of the week. Its a safe place to get it out so you can step by step work through it. There is comfort in knowing that you don't have to come up with an answer to the other people, and also in knowing you don't have to take any answers from others. You can heal alot just from talking it out. If you can find a group like that, its the healthiest place I've found, because I am working on myself without leaning too heavily on my friends to solve it for me. While advice is good, I tend to rely on it too often, and then forget to look at myself and how I feel about all of it because I am so focused on everyone elses suggestions.
So, be careful when you take advice to also consider your own thoughts and feelings at the same time.

Best of luck!!!

A.

I have a hard time with this too, although my situation is different. Shortly after my husband and I were married, we became pregnant. About two months later, we lost our baby to a miscarriage. We have dealt with this by celebrating our baby's "birth" every year and remembering how happy we felt when we found out we were pregnant. Time passes and eventually it was not as sad a subject. I feel that losing a child is a very private sorrow and do not mention it unless the subject comes up. I am happy with my two beautiful living daughters, but I do still wonder sometimes whatever would have become of the child that never was. Please do not think I am tellng you that I know how you feel, or what you are going through - nobody can My situation is very different from yours, because I never actually met the baby I lost. I never knew it's gender, but we did give it a name - Jean - to help us remember August 2, 2002.

I am so sorry for your loss I miscarried when I was 18 and I am now 33 and still have not fully recovered so I understand how you feel.

My advice is to only give as much information as you are willing to answer for. I have 2 children and 2 stepchildren. When one of my stepchildren lived with us I stated that I had 3 children and now that all that is with us are the 2 that are biologically mine I say I have 2. If all 4 lived with us I would say I have 4. I just don't feel like explaining to most people where the other 2 are and why. My true friends know where and why because I trust them with the information and know they will not feel the awkwardness of the situation.

Very few people know that I had a miscarriage because that was such a personal thing for me that I do not share often.

People are curious by nature and sometimes ask more questions than what you are willing to answer so I would say just follow your heart and your emotions for any given day.

Blessings to you.

Hi C.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I myself have 3 children, one having been born in 1998. I can't imagine the grief that you must feel. I would suggest that 1. you seek some grief counseling and 2. decide what you tell each person based on how you know them, ie acquaintance say 2, if you get to know the person better you can then let them know of your loss. If it will bother you to tell them about it, don't mention it. If you think you are betraying your child's memory by not mentioning them, you are not. My best friend lost a child when she was 2 months pregnant, who she refers to as Angel. She got pregnant with her son 2 months later and knows he would not be here right now if she had not lost the first child. She tries to focus on the positive, this was her first boy and already had 3 girls. I do know of one other person who lost a child at 5 days old. She was told that she would never have kids again. Well, she ended up having 10 and I married one of them. I wish I could tell you some mircle cure to heal your broken heart. All I can tell you is that you have 2 children who love you and need you. Focus on them and you will heal.

C., I am so sorry for your loss. I have never been there so I can't directly relate. I have had two early term miscarriages and I really choose not to mention them unless I know the person because A) I celebrate the children I do have and often mentioning the losses, then it takes the focus off of what I do have and onto what I dont and B) I dont want to ever make my living children feel as if they are in the shadows of what could have been.

I think you need to follow your heart and treat each circumstance individually.

well i know all to well how you feel. I also have a child living in heaven Bryce he passed away in 2005.so Now i have four children. three living and one in heaven. The way that i deal with something like that depends on the mood i am in. For the most part when you tell people you have one child in heaven most peopel just say sorry tp hear and shy away from the conversation cause no one really knows what to say when you burry a child as you well know. I usualy say i have four kids. cause i do whether one of them is here or missing i still am a mother to ofur kids. for most parts when people ask of how old. I say 6 and 7 and one who will forver be 3 months and a 3 week old. most people dont ask to manty questions. if you ever need to talk let me know i run a supprot group for gireveing parents. and i also know what you are going through i miss my child too My email is ____@____.com hugs F.

My name is A. I have 5 children, three of which have deceased. I lost twins in 99 and a boy in 04. My Twins lived 19 and 49 days and my boy miscarried at 19 weeks. I have 2 living girls ages almost 5 years and 16 months. In my situation I tell people (when I want to talk about the twins)I have 4 kids and 2 have deceased. (when I don't want to talk about them) I tell people I have 2 girls. It is all up to you how you handle it. I have found that talking about my kids makes the anniversaries easier. I am here if you need to talk, or if you just want to tell someone about them that has been through that same thing.
-A.

First of all, your asking us to respond with out a lot of details about the specific situation. So most of the responses you'll get, will be short sighted. Having said that, you seem to be holding on, in a guilty sort of way. Forgive yourself, allow this child to be gods...All children are borrowed to us from him and they all belong to him. Only he decides who and when beings get to stay on this earth. 2nd of all its not fair to the baby(not releasing it from this earth) you, and your children. I say forgive, and live in peace knowing god has made the right dission for you. When you want others to know and you feel like talking about the situation then give your heart felt response. May peace be with you. garrett's mom

C.,

You as a Mother did birth three children. Your Motherly intsticts want you to tell others of ALL your children. So follow your heart. Try not to worry about the confusion or lack of others understanding. God gave you three wonderful children, so tell everyone, you feel, about them. And if they ask further, simply state that your middle child is no longer with you, physically, but in Heaven with God.

Hope this helps along with all the other wonderful support already given to you through MamaSource.

Respectfully,
K.

Hi C.. I've had 4 pregnancies but 2 were miscarriages. Everytime I've gone to the doc, I've had to say 4 everytime to anyone, docs, people, acquaintances, in general. It's never ending.

You can say you did have 3 kids, 2 surviving. Did you have a funeral for your 3rd? Someone I knew two years ago had a child that passed away. She had an older son and then this child but then had a daughter afterwards. Anyway, she created a momentum in their house sorta like a shrine. It was something she saw on Extreme Makeover Home Edition. It made her feel good. Everyone that knew her and her family knew the situation. But I don't know if she still tells new people that she's had 3 but one is in heaven or something like that.

Hi C., I just wanted to let you know I have a very good friend who had kinda the same situation, and yes, she tells people how many children she has total(even her baby boy that passed). The baby you had was and always will be your baby. He is just with the Lord. May God bless you and give you peace.

I have no experience with the passing of a child. I just felt compelled to say something, because I did lose my mom when I was eight years old. I think it is OK to mention the third child. In a way it keeps the memory alive. And strangely enough, perhaps a comfort. But it is equally important perhaps for all of you to go to a support group so you can talk and grieve. Then your children will see that grief is a normal part of life sometimes and not to be ashamed of feeling sad. Because if you don't get the sadness out, you turn it inwards and some experts have described depression as feelings turned inward.

There are grief groups. Consider it for you and your kids.
Lots of love to you.

I feel your loss ! We lost a baby 2 years ago. although we were adopting him, he was very much ours. We were there for it all.

I still find myself saying that I lost a son and i try not to say it. I would definetly say 3. Although I dont say it because he was never legally ours and its too painful to talk about. People normally wont ask you about it but I have found that they ask me about mine since it was a failed adoption.

that baby was very much yours ! Dont dismiss it!

Hi, C.. Losing a child is a pain that I can't even imagine. When people ask you how many children you have, they have no idea what you have been through. You tell them that you have 3 children and that one of them is an angel or just say that you would rather not answer that question. I wish you all the best, take good care of yourself, your children and take one day at a time.

I have never peronally lost a child. I'm truly sorry for your loss. My middle child Laurie at my mother-in-laws request is named after one of my husband's sisters who died at the age of about 7. When my mother-in-law is asked how many kids she has she includes her Laurie. My sister in law would now be 51 years old and my mother-in-law still has trouble looking at pictures and talking about her. I have asked her that when she is up to it that she write a letter to my daughter telling her about Laurie. I think she would like to know someday about the person she holds the name for.

Do what feels right you don't owe anyone anything more than that. You need to do what comes naturally. Just because your child is no longer with you doesn't make him any less your child. Don't feel that you need to explain anything. If someone asks about him just say that you'd rather not discuss it or sorry not now.
I wish you and your family the best.
A.

I feel what you do!Just alittle different.My oldest of 5 passed away of hypothermia in 1997 he was 8.I pretty much go with my mood.I feel bad when I dont mention Tommy he was my 1st after 4 miscarriages.He deserves to be in the count.Sometimes I just say 5 when I dont think ill ever have much contact with them.sometimes Just 4 on those extra hard days.But usually I say 4 I take care of and my oldest who is in my heart who has passed away.Most people are understanding and if they are not well they are not people I need to associate with anyway.Usually people ask what happened to him.I know that I would out of concern.I have a condensed version of the story ive trained myself to say.I dont use his name(that hurts to much) it is just a story I tell.It was hard to do at first but it helps me feel like im not forgetting him and staying away from tears keeps other from feeling uncomfortable for asking.I hope this helps a little.message me if you ever want to chat.

I had a son that passed away when he was 17 years old. He would be 25 years old now. I have two other sons and I have always responded to that question with 3 boys. Some days I don't want to talk about his death so when someone ask me I just say my two oldest are adults and my youngest is 13. Sometimes I need to talk about him and I will say that my oldest would have been 25 but he passed away when he was 17. And sometimes people will ask me about him and other times they feel uncomfortable and will not say anything. It is good to talk about the death it is healthy and in time when you are ready you will be able to do that. I think you should answer with how many children you have had (3) and if you want to talk about your child then do so other wise leave it at that.

Hi C.,
I am sorry for your loss. I can understand how you'd still want to mention your child. He/she is still a part of you. I would say I have two children and one angel in heaven. Good luck!
E.

Hi, Your note touched me because I have the same problem. I had twins November 2004 and my daughter was born with a rare genetic disorder and only lived 19 days. My son was born healthy. I get asked is he your only child all the time. It is still as difficult to answer sometimes as it was 2 years ago. I have decided to tell people when I feel it is appropriate. Usually I just say yes, he's my only one. I know in my heart that my daughter is around us every day in a spiritual way. In the beginning I wanted to tell everyone and I found that not everybody is ready to hear that especially when they hardly know you. Do what you feel is right.
Please feel free to contact me if you'd like someone to talk to who has been through this too.

Hi C.,
My first baby passed away in 1991, I was only 17 when I got pregnant with her, loosing her was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. The people that are close to me know about my baby, I have told my friends and people that are really close, however if it is a stranger that is asking I tell them I have two children, the reason is becasue I dont want to have to go into what happened with a stranger. What I went through is very personal. At first I felt guilty, but it has gotten easier, at first it felt as if I was forgetting her, but I know there is not a day that goes by that I dont think of her and I know she is my angle and knows its just too hard to open up to strangers. My baby passed away on December 25 1991 so the holidays are very rough for me still, however I have two children now that I have to be here for. My oldest daughter knows all about her sister, the younger one is still too young. This is rough but know your baby knows how much you loved them and telling people just causes you more pain. Losing a child is the worst pain you can go through and you shouldnt have to live through that with strangers.

people cna be cruel very cruel they always want to know the gory details. i have tow sons, one turns 29 tommorrow and the other is 19. so there was a lot of time in betweena nd everyone always asks why they are so far apart. i sued to tell them taht i had 5 miscarriages in between but now i just choose not to. because i got so many nosy questions and accusations, well maybe they werent accusations dwonright but i felt like they were. so now i just tell everyone that i just have two sons but in my heart i know i have 5 others and that is for me to know . i dont think its anybodys business to have to know about the others and as long as i stil have them in my heart and i dont have to open up the wounds everytime i meet somebody new, i can deal with it. goos luck, have you gotten any counseling. here in so az we have a support group for parent swho have lost children. they helped a lot

C.,
Having had a miscarriage myself, I had often wondered how to handle this same situation. As a mother, you want to acknowledge your sons existence, and yet you may not be ready to discuss the details of your loss....

I have found that saying, "I have three beautiful children Jane who's 10, John who's 2, and Michael who watches me from heaven." This conveys that your son has passed, but that you celebrate him in present-tense. This keeps his name and memory alive and allows you to acknowledge him in every conversation about how many kids you have.

In time, you may find that including him in conversation may help ease your angst and help you to replace his memory with the joy of the time you were blessed to share with him as his mom. Including his picture in your wallet with your other kids photos (and showing them when you talk about him) may also help.

Best of luck!