Parents Splitting Up

just tell her the truth.. that he is your daddy, i am your mommy.. he lives there and i live here.. we are your daddy and mommy but we have our own apartments or r own homes... explain that a lot of parents live sepeately and a lot live together.. but isn't it fun going to see daddy and then coming back to be with me..

Just tell her the truth.

Hi,

I am a single mom, but have shared custody with my son's father. My son is the same age as your daughter, and he is also asking those same questions, and asked me if I want to be married!

My son has never known his father and me to live together, so he doesn't ask about that so much, but says he wishes mommy and daddy could be together with him all the time. It breaks my heart, because I know he needs both parents. I just make sure to tell him how much both of us love him. And even if mommies and daddies don't live together, they still love their child very much.

In terms of asking "how did I get here?", we are of Christian faith, and so I told my son that I always wished for a baby, and God sent my son to me, and is my and his daddy's miracle. He seemed to like this a lot, and said, "I was an angel with God, and when I saw you, God said I could come to you." I didn't feed that line to him, so it was pretty amazing to me. :)

Just make sure you reassure your daughter that both mommy and daddy love her, and she is special to both of you, forever. xo.

As the others have said, she's not trying to figure out why you're not together, she is asking normal, age-appropriate questions that all kids ask at this age. If you were together, she would still ask questions about herself and your family. To a kid, normal is whatever they know. Don't project your own angst about your situation onto her - it is what it is. We have a complicated family and our kids just accept that this is what's normal for us and families are made in all sorts of ways.

In our family, I was a single mom for 5 years and that son's birth father disappeared before he was born. My husband was also a single dad and his daughter lives mostly with her mom, who was married for a while, had two more kids and is now divorced. Our sons together see it as normal that their brother has a different dad who isn't around and their sister comes over on weekends and has a different mom, more brothers, and an ex-stepdad. My kids have friends from all sorts of families - traditional, adopted, blended, single parents, deceased parent, my-mom-is-really-my-aunt, etc..

My younger boys are still small (6 and 4) and I still get questions out of the clear blue sky about our family. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath before answering but I have to remember that they're just trying to figure it all out, they're not upset and they're not judging me. Just be clear, honest, and matter-of-fact about your family and she'll take her situation in stride.

There are some REALLY cool kid's books about different families. Married parents, divorced parents, remarried parents, blended families, widowed or widower families, adopted families, grandparents raising, 2 mommies, 2 daddys, nuclear families, 3-4 generation families (as in all under one roof, common in Asia & S America and parts of Europe as the *preferred* way living) military families (with one parent gone for 1/2 the year or more, etc.

I'd suggest heading over to the library & or bookstore one weekend and asking the librarian to show you the section, so you can pick out 2 or 3 different books. Having your daughter learn about all the different types of families out there will probably turn this into a non-issue. As in when the Q's come up, easy answer: People have different types of families.

Your little girl is getting older and more aware; thus the questions. She's now mature enough to notice the differences. I suggest she is asking questions because she wants to learn and they may not have much to do with feelings about her personal situation. She's curious. I love the way kids are honest and direct with their questions. If she doesn't appear upset I would only focus on the question and not why she might be asking it. You can ask her why she's asking and thus find out as the joke goes that all the child wanted to know whether they came from Oregon or California.

Be honest using words she'll understand and only including the information that she is able to understand. I like Soccermomof1's answer for how her son got here. You can say, you grew in Mommy's tummy but is she really wanting to know the facts of her birth or why she's here?

For statements such as I want my Mommy and Daddy, sympathize with her. You can say something like you'd like Mommy and Daddy to live together? If she says yes, tell her that would be great! At four it's enough to say something simple such as we don't live together but we both love you very much.

Remember she is four and thinks in very concrete ways. She is unaware of all the emotion and complications of a relationship. She knows she loves Mommy and Daddy; that other mommies and daddies live together and she wants hers to live together too. There are many good books about different families.

I adopted a foster daughter and she loved one of the books I found about different families. She's 30 now, with two children who have different fathers. We talk a lot about how families are different. My granddaughter calls the daughter of one of her mother's friends her sister. She started calling her sister when she was 4 or 5. When she was older she sometimes would add, "well, she's not really my sister, except she is, in a different way."

I say just relax and not worry about how you answer her questions. Give a simple easily understood answer. If she wants more information, she'll ask more questions. Be open to questions. Emphasize love. And most of all don't over think the question or the answer.

Hello,
I have also been in your shoes. My oldest daughters father and I split up when she was about 8 months old so she was younger when we started splitting our time w/ her and her between our homes. Although when she did get older and I remarried and have since had 2 more children, she started asking questions such as the ones your child is asking you. Be as honest as you can be with her. No matter what the reason is for why you split, it was likely in the best interest for all parties involved, including her. They have plenty of reading material at the book stores or library for you to reference. Honesty has been key for our home. I've explained to my now 7 1/2 year old that her father and I just didn't get along anymore and in that case, it was best for us to be apart than to be together but that in no way, shape, or form means we love her any less. It is so tough because they start realizing that their "friends" have moms and dads that may be together still...another important fact that we shared was that she was not the only one out there with this kind of situation...me for a matter of fact came from a home w/ step parents so I can definitely relate to her on whatever it is she is feeling or when she has questions, I can relate back to how I felt and try to best explain it in an age appropriate manner.
Best of luck to you, just keep the door open for questions and constantly tell your daughter, as I am sure you already do, that it wasn't about her or her fault and that you love her tons. :)

Explain to her that families come in all shapes and sizes. Some have one mommy, some have one daddy, some have both, some have a grandparent or an aunt/uncle at the head. Depending on your views, you can tell her that some have 2 mommies or 2 daddies. Some families live in one house, some live in 2 houses. If she looks around her, she will see all kinds of families. Say "isn't it wonderful that kids have so many people who love them?" Stress that you and her daddy both love her, and she is lucky to have 2 devoted parents.

I would be careful about saying that "we didn't get along so we split up" or "we stopped loving each other so we split up" - you don't want her to think that either of you will leave her if you get into an argument about whether she picks up her toys or eats her dinner, and you don't want her to think that you will ever stop loving her.

"How did I get here" is another question - there are some great children's books to help you along. Consult your children's librarian or your local bookstore for some help with some great illustrations and language that it at her level! Also, there are books about divorce for kids her age. It can help if she identifies with characters in books rather than just kids she knows, especially if the parents are fighting!