Ok to Divorce If Spouse Has Alzhiemers?

I don't so much disagree with Pat Robertson's statement. I think it depends on the person and the situation. No need to judge until you have stood in those shoes I guess. I do, however, disagree with pretty much everything else he says.

I believe the old "in sickness and health, til death do us part" line, so IMO, it is not cool to divorce a sick spouse. Would you divorce a spouse with cancer? With heart problems? No.

So they don't know who you are? They don't know who anyone is-daughters, sons, best friends. Does that mean they don't deserve to be treated as loved ones? No.

I guess it might be very convenient for some to redefine what 'death' means to get around the 'till death do us part' clause.

I wonder if this means Adelia (his wife) can divorce him now with a clean conscience.

There was an elderly couple I was friends with several years ago. Elenor ended up with Alzhiemers. Stan took care of her as best he could until she was so hard to take care of and he made arrangements for her to be cared for in a facility. He visited her everyday, several times a day. He fed her every meal, and did all he could for her. Another friend asked Stan why he didnt date since Elenor didnt even remember him or that she was married to him. Stan said, "I remember Im married to her." His wedding vows were important to him and he had made a promise to be faithful, whether rich, poor, healthy or sick. So if your spouse should happen to lose their memory, and not know who you are, you should remember who you are and who you are married to.

Pat Robertson is an idiot and a hypocrite.

I have no problem with a spouse choosing divorce if it's appropriate and ethical in their situation. I do have a problem with a huge literalist like Robertson pretending that it's Biblical just because that's what he's like it to be.

My mother has this terrible horrible disease. My dad would never divorce my mom. Before it got real bad and she was still living at home, she told him that when the time came to put her in a home, close the door and live his life. He visits her every other day and she has no idea who he is. I visit as often as possible and she has no idea who I am. I can't tell you how heartbreaking and soul wrenching sucky this is! That being said, I have no problem with my dad dating. He would never forget about my mom and he is so wonderful with her but he is 73 years old and in really great health. I don't want him to be alone. And that is really what if boils down to. I don't want him to be alone or lonely. He has adjusted to this life wonderfully. I wasn't sure how he would do. He traveled to Russia this summer alone, went on vacation with us to the Dominican, goes up and visits my brother and his family in Wisconsin several times. He is talking about going to China next year!!! He did get involved in activies that they weren't involved together because its hard for him. So he has found new hobbies and new friends that just know him and didn't and don't know my mom. Which is just fine My mother was the glue but dad has really stepped up to the plate and moved forward. My mother would be so proud of how my dad has handled all of this. I know I am!

As for Pat Robertson, I'm offended and a few other things but I am trying to watch my language!

normal people will sometimes make comments when they see me struggling to help hubby who uses an electric wheelchair "You are a saint for staying with him." I have to remind them that he can hear them and that doesn't help the situation.I then ask them to help push the wheelchair(when it breaks down) or to do something that helps like carry luggage in.
I think pat said it is better to divorce and remarry than to have affairs but it is not right or ethical either way. as someone with a disabled spouse, it is STRESSFUL. For me the personality change that followed the disability is the worst part. seriously, he is like a different man. the disabled person is often rudest and most demanding of a spouse. i get why a person would want a divorce and a different life. i don't judge those who divorce, but how can you make sure your spouse is cared for properly if you divorce? nonmarried people don't have that right so it would be abandonment to me.

What do I think? I still think Pat Robertson is an a$&!! Just sayin! ;)

He also agreed with Jerry Falwell that the U.S. deserved the terrorist strike and that the ACLU, Gays, abortionists, pagans, feminists, gays, lesbians helped make it happen. So why would anyone give any thought to what he says? Hate monger. He can hide behind whatever religion he wants but that is what he is.

I tend to disregard anything anyone says who's profession is "Evangelist."

I read that yesterday and there was a post.

Here is the thing, if you are already having an affair, how well are you taking care of them anyway. So it is more merciful to divorce and allow them to be taken care of by someone else.

As I said yesterday we tried to get my dad to divorce my mom to protect his assets. If she had to go in a nursing home it would have wiped out all of his assets leaving him nothing to live on before Medicaid took over. Where if they divorced they could only take half the assets and my dad wouldn't have to go back to work at 85 just to feed himself. The thing is it would have been a legal divorce, in the eyes of the church they would have still been married.

If good old Pat had made this comment five years ago my dad may have done it. We got lucky and mom died before she needed to go into a nursing home.

That's crazy, just plain crazy! My husband is disabled and in a wheelchair, granted it's not Alzheimers..but most days I feel more like a nurse than a wife. Would I ever leave him, or have an affair, ABSOLUTELY NOT. Why, because I love him...we both took the vow of in sickness & in health....and if the situation was reversed, I know he'd take care of me just as I take care of him. Pat Robertson...well he better hope nothing happens to him, or he's given his wife permission to divorce him...amazing she hasn't done it already!

If you've been there for your spouse for a long time, caring for them, dealing with their increasing violent behaviors, trying to keep them at home and in comfort... then their health gets too much for you to handle and they need to be in a home - YES I agree divorce should be considered if the unaffected spouse is still 'young' enough to need and desire companionship. Maybe separation is more feasible because if you divorce your spouse, you will not collect their benefits or widower's social security, etc - and that is something to consider too.

Maybe some of you are unrealistic or ignorant on what dementia and Alzhiemers does to a person. In the beginning, it's just memories are gone and they begin to live 50 years in the past. But then it gets into escapes from home and can't be found, violence towards those trying to help and care for them progress steadily, they fall repeatedly because they can't remember their legs and balance don't work anymore, then it gets to the point where they cannot even remember how to chew their food, drink from a cup or straw, or how to talk. I'm not even getting into all the diaper changes and accidents that occur throughout the whole process.

my grandfather is 76 and living with stage four Alzheimers. I am watching my grandmother be his caregiver, his mom, his everything. She has to shower him, put his clothes on, almost to the point she is feeding him sometimes, he rarely knows who anyone is other than her.

She refuses to put him in any other living situation, the family and even his doctor have warned her that this will soon become too much for her She is healthy and active, I fear that this will lead to her becoming ill. As I 've seen with my other grandparents how illness can affect the otherwise healthy spouse.
I said to her one day "you really love him, huh?"...she replied with only "it's my duty". She won't leave him and I admire that.

One day my husband may have to take care of me...and I don't want him to live his life everyday the same way she is. So I do understand that it some case "sickness and health" may not be such an easy statement to make. But I know he would not divorce me, he is so much like her.

It is my greatest fear to end up like my grandfather.
ETA: Alzheimers is much more than just forgetting things, forgetting who you are, reliving the past. It can be brutal, scary and most of draining on an entire family. It's not fun when you get a call that says "I need to go to the grocery store, can someone come over and grandpa sit?"...it's hard to see the man that was so kind, warm, and loving, become a mean, grumpy old man. A man who yells at his great grandkids, so much so that they don't want to go to their house for fear that Papa will yell at them. They become violent, I have had to physically restrain him myself to keep him from harming somone else.

I'll get off my soapbox, this is just very hard as I see both sides.

Nope! You love them in sickness and in health.

I think Pat is nuts (and not just because of this most recent comment).

He likened it to "death" so, in his opinion, it is ok to divorce because your spouse is, in effect, dead. That's how he got around the "until death do us part" vow. That is utter bull...but that was his reasoning.

Divorce your spouse when they need you the most? I don't think so. I love my husband to my very core. And I also would not have an affair. I just love him wayyyyyy too much for that!

People make vows of in sickness and in health, but there are sicknesses that some people just can't deal with and maintain their own sanity. Not saying it's right or wrong - it just is.

Ridiculous. Like Queen of the Castle said, does he not remember that in wedding vows, it states, "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health?" He's an idiot.

wasn't part of the vows in sickness and in health? for better or for worse? What's the point if you're only going to be together in the good times? I'm not saying a spouse should be the only caregiver for their spouse with Alzheimers, because being the only caregiver of someone with severe health issues is terrible, but I think it's horrible to divorce someone for something like that.

I've told my husband that if he gets something like this I'm going to put him in a nursing home with his twin brother, since at that point they'd probably be happiest together, but it never occurred to me that divorcing him for being sick was an option.

"....in sickness and in health ....... till death do us part"

No, not exactly. I guess that is a weird response. And I probably would disagree with Robinson 99% of the time. But I think there are probably rare cases where it is okay. I feel pretty strongly that his statement was irresponsible as a public figure. This is a very private and personal issue based on a very individual situation and to be made with consultation with doctors and spiritual advisors and family members. His statements suggest people should give up on their spouses and walk away.

I believe that once we are married we assume responsibility for the health and care of our spouse forever. I do believe there are rare cases where a spouse becomes vegetative, where an active heatlhy spouse may need/want/deserve to contiue their life and find partnership with someone else. I can impagine in some cases divorce is reasonable. However,. that responsibility for the first spouse should never end. And of course, that is where it gets tricky. Not everyone will fulfill the moral emotional and financial obligations if they divorce.

I guess what I mean is, if I was in a vegetative state for 20 years due to an accident or mental disease, I would hope my husband would take care of me and keep me safe. But would I also want him to live a happy and fulfilling life with a partner? Yes.

I am mixed on this one. If I were the one with the alzhiemers I would want my husband to move on and find another woman to live his life with, if he wanted. But I just really hate the thought of being a burden on him. even now, just regular stuff upsets me to think that it is a burden or a hardship on him. So, if I were the alzheimers patient I would want him to move on. BUT....if it were my husband with the alzhiemers I wouldnt leave him for the world, I would be with him every day. If I had to put him in a care facility I would, but I would visit everyday.

I have heard this circulate now for the second time on Mamapedia. I have not heard the full report. But at face value I think it is a shame.

Alzhiemers is devastating for everyone to deal with. A horrible disease. But I am in my marriage for eternity..Alzhiemers would just be a small, yet horribly painful, blip on the radar. If faced with a husband with Alzheimers I would hope to live with the same compassion,grace and love that Nancy Reagan had for her Ronnie..and not how Pat Robertson would treat his darling wife...and just discard her in her most desperate time of need. Hopefully they never have to grapple with the decision of kickin' eachother to the curb!

Good luck and best wishes at having a looong and happy life!

Oh wow, I loved the answer from K's mom. "I remember that I am married to her" is the most beautiful answer to that situation. It reminds me of the movie, The Notebook.
I hope, if the time ever comes, that I have the courage and the grace to love well, even if the end is difficult.

And I won't even tell you what I think of Pat Robertson. The quotes that Tracey K. gave are all true, and they are only the tip of the iceberg. I really do think that the man is off his rocker.

I am so unhappy that he said this. He's going to lose so much support for CBN and they do so much good with disaster relief and other community programs. He's just wrong and maybe he's coming down with Alzhiemers himself? This is not the teaching of this man! Something has changed him or he's off his rocker.

I saw this posted on Facebook, and my response was that I found the notion despicable. If you vowed "for better or worse - in sickness and in health", that didn't just mean unless it got inconvenient. Shame on you, Pat Robertson.

There's no way I would divorce my hubby if he developed Alzheimers. He's mine forever. Evangelist Pat Robertson is of a different F. than me (other than being Christian), so I hold his advice with a grain of salt and completely disagree with him.

I think he should be ashamed of himself for saying it. Whatever happened to "for better or for worse...in sickness or in health?"

I read the news about it. I think his reasoning is so wacked out. I honestly though wonder what he would have said if the caller had been a woman whose spouse was afflicted. If Alzheimer's is death, what is a terminal illness? I mean, if the person has Alzheimer's, at what point it the death considered "official" according to what theis man has said? I had a co-worker whose mom was diagnosed but was lucid enough to understand quite a bit for 6 yrs before things got really bad. And if a person is diagnosed with a brain tumor or something that is incurable, death is coming sooner isn't it? I have only seen a few of those 700 Club episodes and some things he says are just off the wall.

Now forgetting what he said, I knew a couple that was older, 60s I think, that had an agreement. If one of them ever got to the point that they were not all there or could be considered so terminally ill that the other could not live a full life, a person would be brought in to help with care so the other could have a life. BUT, they woudl still be committed in marriage to each other. The wife had to convince the husband that she was okay with this because she did not want him to suffer along with herself. Her example to him was breast cancer or some other cancer that gets to the point of no return.

This is so.... obscene, I cannot even speak.

Short answer- nope not okay.

I was disgusted. Here this Godly man, had a chance to truly minister to someone who admitted to having an affair on his sick wife. A time to say, he needs to pray and realize he's going against what God would want.

Instead, he compared someone who is ill as someone who is dead. A deceased person doesn't have feelings, breath, eat and a strong heartbeat.

That somehow your vows to that spouse are no longer valid because the have Alzheimer.

As someone who has witnessed what Alzheimer does to someone and as someone about to get married, this bothered me so much to hear this. I couldn't imagine walking away from my spouse. Nor could I ever see them dead if they did have Alzheimer.

I think he's looking for an excuse to bang anything that moves..very dumb of him to say that

I am not familiar with his statement and do not know if what you quote is being taken out of context.

I would disagree completely if the healthy spouse was divorcing for purely selfish reasons, say as to move on and find someone better.

I have known many couples over the years who 'divorced on paper only' due to financial reasons. Many people cannot afford the expensive adult care and supervision required for those with Alzheimer's given their current assets and retirement incomes. But if they divorced and split matrimonial assets the spouse would be entitled to state and federal assistance.

Perhaps Pat's Christian followers are looking for his blessings under these circumstances? IDK. But given how moms here completely misinterpret basic questions, I'd have to hear what he said in toto.

For instance, I just completed a bunch of Medical forms for my mom this summer. She was only $64 dollars over the state asset limit and consequently was being charged a monthly co-share amount of $575. Now, where is the sense in that math? So we had her spousal support dropped by $70 per month, sent proof by certified mail to Medi-Cal, and they instantly reinstated her monthly co-share amount back to $0. So for dropping $70/month she has saved herself $575 per month. Which is a net loss of only $70 versus $575. And that is more than half her total income now. Bozos run our insurance companies.

Just saying, if I had to bet, this statement has more to do with protecting one's assets, than their marriage.

Think he is nuts! No I never would. Marriage vows do mean something to
me.

I dont think people should be so worried WHO said it, seriously. It's a personal decision that we all could have to make one day. My grandma died with alzheimers. Even if my grandpa would have heard Pat say "its okay to leave and live what's left of your life since your wife has no idea who you are or what day it is", he wouldnt have left my grandmother. (Grandma by the way was a total 700 club fan)
I'm not a Pat fan, but I think people read way more into this stuff when it's a religious leader that makes a statement.
If your neighbor, being Christian, Wicken, Atheist, or otherwise made the statement would it be such a big deal?
Your own heart is what you need to rely on for all things.
People are just people, we are all the same, we are all equal. Don't let what one man tells you be something that causes so much angst. He's just a man with an opinion, like the rest of us.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/6086664627951960065

this same question got asked yesterday if you would like to read some of the answers :-)

Wow, you know I looked it up bc I didn't want to make a comment if I didn't know the context etc. I am truly shocked by this, I have always respected the man but this is very odd. I really disagree with what he is saying and just can't believe he said it honestly, but there it was in black and white. I guess it just goes to show that no one is perfect and even though I completely disagree with him on this point I still think he is a man of God with a seriously wrong idea. My mother's best friend cared for her husband for 10 yrs, the last thing on the planet she would have done was desert him when he needed her most. I really cannot understand his position, I think he is dead wrong in this.