Ok My 18 Year Old Son with Bad Temper Is Back Home

I lived with my parents off and on as a young adult and it was always if I lived with my parents I abided by their rules....it is not asking too much to have him respect some house rules.

Hi Macio, I bet you are happy to have him back..
Time to start over (but do not forget) with your son.

Until our daughter graduated from high school these were the rules.
School is your #1 priority. As long as you are passing your classes, turning in your work on time you were in good standing. If she could not keep up with it, she was to inform us right away so we could discuss it.

Curfew Weeknights 10:00pm unless game night. Weekends Midnight. Exceptions could be discussed ahead of time and not over the phone.

She earned her own spending money.
If she caught rides with friends, I gave them money for gas. (This is when gas was $4 and $5 per gallon)

She was to speak to us in her "regular voice". No snapping, whining and yelling.
She would be treated as an adult as long as she conducted herself as an adult. No Drugs no Alcohol.

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Our daughter is now 20. She is in College, but when she comes home these are the rules we agreed to..

Curfew is midnight. She can stay out later, but she has to give us a heads up. I cannot sleep well till she is home and we can lock up the house totally. If she is staying over at someones house that is also fine, but she needs to let us know. I do not need to know her business, but even my husband and I tell each other when to expect each other home.

She earns her spending money. She may borrow our car, but needs to give us a heads up. Must help with housework.
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If she is not going to attend College, she will follow the above rules and she needs to get a job. If she wants to continue to live with us, she will help pay the rent and monthly bills. (my husband and I will save all rent money to give her later towards her own home she does not know this).
We will not buy her a car, she will need to pay her part of the car insurance.

This has worked out fine so far. We all know what is expected and she helped us come up with these rules and expectations. We just treat each other with respect and it works for us.

I would first ask him what HE thinks the ground rules should be for him living at home. Then tell him what your expectations are (controlling his temper, curfew, etc.) and see if you can meet somewhere in the middle. If he talks more to his mom, then talk to mom first and see what she has to say about what he has told her. At least he agreed to not having the friends over but he will need to understand that you are not going to backslide on that one.

I don't remember if you said he was still in high school, going to college, or working, but I would say he needs to be doing at least one of those things if he wants to continue living at home. If he is not still in high school, he needs to be doing something to better himself (college courses) or be contributing to household expenses (job). He also needs to respect the rules of the house but also feel like he has a say in things. He is 18 after all, and of legal age. He is technically an adult, even if he doesn't always act like one. If he can't handle that, he's got another choice: Army, Navy or Marines.

I would certainly tell him the rules. He is expected to live by them, right? Tell him you love him and you missed him, but he's a man now and he's expected to act like a respectable one. Since he isn't a child, bad behaviors will not be tolerated, though you really hope things work out because you love him and want him to be safe and welcome in your home.

Marco, I will pray now for God to speak an answer to you and give you wisdom to know how to address your son. Having had situations with my now-grown children with their own families, I know of times I set down rules before and after they had left home. Set few rules for your son, but make them important ones. respect me, my home, and my curfews. Do your part in the chores, keeping house clean, and do not destroy MY HOME. He must get a job and pay part of expenses at home. Loitering (bumming) not allowed under any circumstances. It is your home and you are allowing and trusting him to come back into your home with the expectation that he will abide by them. Tough love is, indeed, the hardest thing for parents. If he messes up, disrespects your rules and your safety, tell him there will be consequences. You don't say what his "friends" do but if he leaves to join them and continue their actions, he is using you. Don't let him. Love him but be firm. Work with his mom, if possible, to communicate boundaries and guidelines that you and she agree on about your son. At 18, he is an adult, and I have told my children when they were home that if they make 'ADULT' choices then our relationship becomes and adult parent to an adult child and they will no longer be treated as a child, can't happen, It makes them grow up OR live by their own rules somewhere else. Pray Pray Pray for him. Stay firm ! Also, anger usually is a reaction to fear. Ask him to talk with you about his need to work through it. And be kind and listen. Don't always condemn and judge. He needs his dad and his Heavenly Father.

Welcome him back, but this is your home and you have rules. Let him know what the rules are and the consequences. Although being on his own for that amount of time and seeing what his friends do may have changed his mind about being "the adult."

I am glad that you told him that his "friends" are not welcomed at your home.

I say this because my son left home for about a month. Hubby decided to redo his room into my sewing room which meant packing his things up to put in storage or throw out. We were out of the home and received a note attached to the TV asking if he could come back home. He found out that every time he bought food someone else ate it. If he had something for himself someone else found it and used it.

So stick to your guns and try to mend the break but you two are men now and must have a relationship as men even though you are father and son.

Good luck to you. The other S.

PS It might take time but it wiill heal and work out. He may even thank you for all that you have done for him one day when you do not expect it.

Even though he is a legal adult, if he is in your house, and you want some guidelines (I wouldn't really call them rules) then, that is not unreasonable. Doing reasonable cores, contributing to the household in some way, not allowing certain people around, etc.

But, make your expectations perfectly clear from the start and stick to them just so there is no confusion later. Also, ask him what his expectations are.

Good Luck

It seems like he got a taste of the real world, and it didn't sit too well with him. I would definitely let him know the rules of the house right off the bat... but not in an I-told-you-so-now-here's-how-things-are-gonna-be way... have a conversation with him, let him know the rules (keep them reasonable) and explain why you have each rule. Be open to compromises... and treat him like an adult. He sounds a LOT like my younger brother... He takes on the "personality" of the people he hangs out with. If he is with responsible adults, he is one. But he tends to hang out with younger "partiers"... and so he becomes one... When he refused to follow my rules (he was staying with me...) and was coming home after curfew (12:00am on weekdays, 2:00am weekends) drunk and/or high, I kicked him out... Tough love situation... He came back, definitely humbled, and decided my rules weren't so bad. Then I helped him get into job corps, which he is still in. :) Whatever happens with you guys, Good luck!

I would sit him down and speak to him as another adult. We all have rules that we have to live by, they do not magically do away when we grow up. Calm and even tones are best even if he starts to get agitated. Put out the rules and let him know that more is expected of him now because he is a young man. Boys need boundaries and to know exactly what is expected of them. I will pray for your family. Good luck and don't forget to hug him and tell him you love him. Young men still need that too even if they act like they don't. cb

Mom, you need to set the rules at home this time and they need to be honored. Your son may be 18, but he has proven he is not able to support himself, or he would not be coming bk home. If he has not graduated high school one rule would have for sure would be that he go bk to get his GED asap. Help him find out how to do so but make him do most of the chking into it. If he has graduated, I would tell him he has to pay you monthly rent, I would say $200-$300 a month, would be reasonable, so he needs to be looking for a job asap unless he is enrolled in college. I would also set a reasonable curfew that you both agree on and insist he has certain chores in the house that you set to help you out. Finally, if my son were involved with friends who do drugs and drink like you said in your last post, I would tell him you will require him to submit to and pass a random drug test periodically if he plans to live at home. If he hangs with friends who do drugs changes are good he does too, I think you can buy them now a days at many pharmacys . Ask ask the pharmacisit at your local drug store how they work and get some. Tell your son you will not give him any warnings on when you want him to take the drug test so he can not try to alter the results. Mom, you are a kind person to take him back in but it needs to be on your terms now and I hope that he doesnt take advantage of you. If he is disrespectful to you or breaks the house rules and doesnt find work he would be out on the street again in a minute if he were my son. Tough love is a good thing for a son who caused you lots of grief in the past.If your son has no career ambitions, but was a good student and graduated hs, I would encourage him to go to a local community college and talk to an admissions counselor to consider taking classes. If no,t I would encourage him to go and talk to a military recruiter about entering a branch of the service unless he finds steady work to support himself so he can be out on his own soon. He needs some life goals to keep him out of trouble. Good luck Mom, you will need it.

Yes, the three of you need to sit down and discuss the rules calmly. Be sure to tell him what behavior makes you proud and what behavior demonstrates a lack of maturity or desire to grow up.

Ask him if he uses alcohol and drugs to cover some pain or if it is a desire to fit in or act like an adult. Find out the reason he uses these substances. If he tells you he doesn't use them, tell him that you know that potheads only hang out with potheads. Just keep insisting, calmly, that you know he is using, and you want to help him find the reason why so it doesn't continue. Too many kids start out self-medicating and they become useless adults who think they have it under control.

Good luck. Remind him how much you love him and want to help him. Be sure to praise him for the qualities that you love so he knows you have respect for him. So important for him at this age.

I would lay down the rules as quickly as possible, so there is no confusion as to why you let him back home.

If his mother is the one he related to better, maybe she should be the one who speaks when you both sit him down. Sit him down in the living room and have a adult conversation. Don't let there be any distractions and don't let him run the show. This is part of being an adult, having adult conversations.

I wouldn't worry too much about why he came home, just that I'm sure he realized what he was doing wrong.

Good Luck.

Macio,
Yes, you have to sit him down, and talk rules with him. He is an adult, and expectations have to be set accordingly. Also you have to agree on certain things like a curfew, if he will have one (we always did while @ dads regardless of age) Will he be putting any income into the house? and things like that.
Its better to talk about his and your expectations sooner rather than later, it will save a lot of drama.
I'm glad your son is back home.
Good Luck!

Now is the time to sit him down, have a man to man talk, and set the rules in place. If you wait too long then you might as well not have rules. Set reasonable rules. He is 18 and legally an adult so he might be in the mind set of "you can't tell me what to do." If your rules revolve around being respectful of the you and your wife and yalls house then he most likely won't have any objections. Requested time for him to be in the house during the week and a much later time on the weekends or just that he needs to tell you when to expect him. Easy things like cleaning up after himself. Job or no job/full time school etc is up to you on how you set it. With rules like that you put the responsibility in his hands but with the security that if he needs help you're there.

I am glad for both you and your wife that he is home.
You might not ever know why he decided to come back. He can tell you if he'd like, but the more important thing is that he is more ready for the mature decisions that come with adulthood.
The 3 of you should sit down and have some rules. Write them down. We have done this with our kids. They are easy to forget if you don't write them down.
Things like: duties around the house, school or job, respect, his friends not in your home, rules for car (never driving if he has been partying with them...)

And when you have those rules on paper, and the consequences listed for what happens if rules are broken, then everyone signs it and everyone gets a copy.