Not Motivated 18 Yr Old. HELP

If you can't get him do anything send him to job core they will get him motavated to do some thing that he likes.

Well S. It it time for tough love. Tell him that he is 18 and an adult now and it is time for him to start acting like it. Tell him he has a month to be out on his own and stick to that. My brother was like this and that is what my mom did. Now he has a job support himself and is being the adult that he needs to be.

Sounds mean, but give hime an untimatum: 30 days untill he's out, or he gets a job and contributes.

Tell him to shape up or ship out. He's an adult...he needs to pull his weight. Take away the TV, computer, car, phone...anything that you have paid for that makes his life easier. He didn't earn them, he doesn't get them. If he wants to go to school, you would be happy to provide him with room and board and computer/phone/car as long as he gets good grades. If he wants a job, he can stay and pay $50/mo in rent or he can find another place to live. You can't baby him anymore. Tough love. If he fails, he fails. It'll be a lesson learned and he won't do it again...if he's smart. If you bail him out, he won't learn the lesson. Stick to your guns.

Hi, having raised three boys through this age,my advice is to get him to a medical practitioner and have him screened for depression. He has all the signs and has probably been struggling with it since middle school. If he has a mental illness all the threats, cajoling and encouragement in the world will not help or change things. You can get good information and support from National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI).
Two of my three sons have had to deal with this issue. With treatment and support they are into life and doing well. Don't wait any longer.

Rule in my house- If you are in school, have a job and help around the house, you can live rent free until you can afford to move on your own. If you are doing nothing with your life ( video / internet) you move out. The army reserves are affering some great insentives to join. take him down and talk to a recruter.

I am a high school teacher, so I have worked with unmotivated teens/young adults. I also am a mother of two boys --- ages one and four. I'm going to give you some tough love advice. After you're done being offended, maybe you can reconsider, take heed, and apply it to your life. Unfortunately, it will be difficult to teach an 18-year-old new skills. But it is a parent's responsiblity to teach life skills to their children. Today, society has dumped all responsibilities on schools. But schools should only be responsible for academics. The parent should be responsible for the rest. There could be one of two things going on here --- One --- your son's behavior is due to lack of a role model at home. That would be ok because YOU can change that. Or two --- despite having good a good role model --- your son's behavior is contrary. If it's choice #1 (and you must be honest with yourself if you REALLY want to fix this issue), then you and your husband need to be role models for work ethic and social behavior. The rules that apply to you must apply to him. If you gotta go to work, he's gotta go to work. If you gotta pay the bills, he's gotta pay the bills. If you have to do house chores, he has to do house chores. If you can have friends and a social life, he can have friends and a social life. If he can't play computer or watch tv, neither can you. If education is important to him, it's got to be important to you. That's life. It's not too late to make a family change. Now, if you feel like you and your husband have been exemplarary role models, and it is your son with contrary behavior. Than I would suspect his behavior is due one or two things. He could be into drugs and/or he could be depressed. Either way, he needs counseling. I would suggest family counseling. You and your son need help communicating to find out what is REALLY going on. I am concerned that your son hasn't been real social and doesn't have any real friends. Anti-social behavior is a red flag. It is good news that he passed his GED. A GED is fine. I don't think public schools are for everyone. Family dynamics/dysfunction could be an issue. Plus, don't compare 9-yr-old to your 18-yr-old. It's not fair. I'm curious what your son's interests and life goals are. He may not have considered what his interests and goals are. He may need some prodding and exploring. With that knowledge, that might get the ball rolling. He needs something to look forward to and work towards. Just like everyone else needs. Love him, but don't enable him. Good luck! :)

First of all I know what you are going through. I raised 5 children and am know raising my 12 year old grandson. He see a councelor and here is the advice they gave me. You are giving him all the tools he needs not to get up and do things. First of all take away all the tv, games, music, ect. and make him earn these things back by helping out at home no mater where home is. Tell him he can't have any of these things back untill he gets a job and helps the family with daily chores. Hope this helps. Most of all don't give in to him even if he throws a fit. Just walk away from it. If he gets violent call the police for a out of control teen and they will help. You will only have to do that once and believe me it works.

srry mom it's time for tough love... unless you want a 35 yr old son in your home the time is now.. find a hotel room that is pay by the month there are a few "not in the best areas mind you" tell your son you are paying for one month and the he is on his own.. it tough thing to due but in the long run it will be the best thing for all of you.. good luck

I agree with those that say now is the time to take action. If you wait things will only get worse. I agree with those that say there needs to be college, a job or both, or he's out on the street. In addition o those types of suggestions, here is something else you could try. Get out a newspaper one day and have him sit down with you to search for the types of jobs he would be qualified for & figure out how much he could expect to earn with his GED. Then look at apartment listings & show him the kind of apartment he could afford on that salary - even drive past some of them. Give him a reality check with all the expenses he would have. Then look at some jobs he could qualify for if he gets a college degree and where he could live on that salary. Maybe that kind of practical learning experience could get the wheels spinning about his future & what it would be like depending on his choices. Then follow up this exercise with discussions of rent, moving out, getting a job, going to school & what you're willing to live with & help him with to transition him to a self-sufficient adult. Good luck!

helly, I'd bet a lot of money your son is clinically depressed - a real chemical depression which has nothing to do with his upbringing or your mothering. All moms do the best they can, and you're clearly a good one.

Depression in boys and men looks different than it does in women. Lack of motivation and passive-aggressiveness (getting what they want by doing exactly nothing) are classic symptoms of male depression. If you find him the right psychiatrist (not a psychologist, a real M.D. psychiatrist are the only ones who can prescribe medicatation) and he gets on the right medicines (he'll probably need two different types) you will probably see a different boy in 30 days.

There's no proof that talk-therapy with a psychologist or counselor has any effect on depression. Depression is just as physical as diabetes, and it needs medicine like diabetes. Sometimes counseling can help the whole situation, but it won't cure depression.

Don't ask your son if he wants to see a shrink - just make the appointment for him and hand him the car keys. Write the shrink a short letter in advance of the appointment describing the problem, then tell your son that a condition of living with you is seeing this doctor - if he balks at it, that is.

By the time your son walks in the doctor's door, the doc should have a vague idea of the situation.

Legally and ethically, you can talk to the doc about your son (by letter is best, since that doesn't put the doc in any ethical quandaries) but the doc can't talk to you without your son's permission, so don't expect any response to your missives.

Good luck. This is fixable.

My little brother did this to my mother for the better part of five years!!! I know that I am doing college online at the University of Phoenix and I love it. It doesn't take much time in the week and I get a very good education. This may be something he would be willing to do to keep being able to live with you and not having to pay rent or help out much. I also think that getting into the habbit of not doing anything is a hard habit to break. This may help slowly get him out of his rut of doing nothing. I wouldn't pay for the course, this way he knows that he will have to pay it back himself. This is a great reason NOT to flunk out. As long as you are taking classes and passing you don't have to repay it. When you stop schooling you have six months until you have to start making payments. My mother paid for a year of my college and I didn't feel the need to pass and mostly I didn't. Now that I know I will be paying it back I have a 3.78 GPA. Good Luck!!!

I didn't read all the other responses, so maybe I'm about to say what others have already said. I learned this from Suzi Orman on Oprah, freeloaders are that way because they don't have the confidence to make it on their own, BECAUSE others have given them what they needed. Your boy may be different (I doubt it) but he will never gain the confidence to make it on his own as long as YOU TELL HIM HE CAN'T by footing the bill for his life. Does this make sense? If he HAD to make it, (had no parental safety net) he would do it! I also have personal family stories about what he will look like in 40 years. I have an uncle how has lived with Grandma for his whole life. She was always there to take him in when things got rough, he developed into an outrageous freeloader who has run her into poverty and never leaves. It's my grandmother's fault because she feels it's her responsibility to take care of him. But because of this bad relationship my Uncle can't be independent and doesn't want to be, (at the ripe old age of 56) I know you want the best for your son, and the best would be to let him go take care of himself and he will gain confidence through his own hard work because it is a necessity.
Good luck and nip this in the bud before you have a 50 year-old son still living with you, bleeding you dry!

All I can say is tough love, I suggest you give him a time line, if he hasn't gotten a job by then he's out. I know it's harsh but if you don't take these messures your son will only do wat he wants, which from wat you've said is to live off you and video games, being soft on him will only enable him. It's time he got dependent, and sometimes tough love is wat puts them in the right direction, my mother did it to me. I had many experieneces but i made it. I'm only 21 so I really can't sit here and tell you from experience but my mom pushed me to go to school when I wasn't ready and I just ended up with student loans hanging over my head and only like 6 credits form a whole year. So, the school thing you should let him decide when he's ready. Maybe once he has a job he will realize the importance of education.

Oh my, it sounds like your son needs to attend the School of Hard Knocks! Although my kids are just little, I was a middle and high school teacher for 6 years. I dealt with lots and lots of frustrated parents of unmotivated kids. And I can agree whole-heartedly with what the other responder said: Motivation comes from within. You can't force a child to be motivated. They will get up and do something only if they care about it or if they have to. As long as your son knows he can coast through life, he will. If he knows he doesn't have to go to school or work because you will cook for him, pay his bills, take him places, or let him sleep there for free, where is his motivation to change? Some kids are born achievers, others need to be motivated by the fact that there is no other option. So...set some rules. AND BE FIRM ABOUT STICKING TO THEM. For example, "Son, I love you. But you are going nowhere. I can't control you, but I can control the house I live in and the conditions of living here. So here are my conditions: You need to have a change in situation in __ months. You can A) be enrolled in and actually attending college, or B) aquire and attend a job, then contribute $__ to the household for room and board or put that same amount towards college tuition savings in an account held by me. Or C) If you don't agree to do those things and get them done by the date I have specified, you will be out of the house." You may have to physically pack his bags and put them on the doorstep. My mom had to do this for my brother. But that's the only way some kids take life seriously--when forced.

It doesn't make you a bad mom or an unloving mom. On the contrary, it shows that you love him enough to do what's best for him, even if it is hard for you and a big change for him. Where do you want him to be 10 years down the road? Still sitting on the couch at home? No. Then something's got to change. And it looks like that change is going to start with you, becuase its not coming from him.

It's hard to help a baby bird leave the nest. But even mommy birds in nature have to do it. Good luck to you!

-A.

Supporting his laziness will not do him any favors. TOUGH LOVE! Give him a deadline. Tell him if he doesn't pay rent on that day, he's out. Stick to your guns. He can move back in if he pays rent, but having a job and supporting himself are important. I have a relative that is almost 60 years old. His parents felt bad for him when his drinking ended his divorce. They gave him a place to live rent free. 30 years later, he still cannot support himself and his drinking is so bad that they frequently have to call the cops. He never learned to support himself. When they die, he will end up on the streets. Nobody else will take him in. It's sad, but it is reality. PLEASE look at the big picture. If he won't leave, you can call the police. Seriously. Get tough or he will never learn that he can do it on his own and you will have him the rest of your life...and then what? Good luck!

I'm sure I have heard Dr. Laura say to box their things and boot them out. Easier said than done but it would be a great wake up call and you would be doing it because you love him. By not doing it you are enabling him to continue doing what he has been able to get away with. I'm too almost at that crossroad with my 18 year old but he still continues to go to school so he does have that going for him at this point. We will see what May brings.

We have struggled with my 20 yr old son on some of these same issues. While he has been able to keep a part time job, all of his free time was spent on computer games. He didn't take advantage of a full-tuition scholarship last year and basically threw it away. We've talked many times about what he wants to do with his life. He loves computers and would like to work in that field, but that requires a degree. He didn't have many close friends (1-3 at most) growing up and was emotionally hurt by some who he called friends because they turned on him. He is shy, not good at sports but is very smart. After two years of watching him waste so much time, (he graduated from HS in 2006) we approached him about talking to a counselor. He went to appease us but found it to be really beneficial. He has found that his shyness and fear of being hurt again by others has resulted in him building a 'safe' world to live in. Gaming is safe. You can interact with others as you wish, with a click you can turn them off when you don't like how things are going. You never have to meet anyone face-to-face. But the counselor helped him to see that his 'safe' world can't help him progress. He is working through his fears and after two visits is already showing some attitute changes. We have a long way to go. Changes won't happen over night.
Talk to your son, see if he will share what he's feeling with you. Find a counselor (psychologist) if possible. Many times people will be able to open up to someone who they feel isn't pushing or judging them. A third party with no emotional connection who can help them discover what is holding them back. Good luck.

Oh S., I had three sons.
With my oldest I ended up giveing him three months to find a job, save enough money to get out on his own.
When the time was up and he only had a part time job with a tree Nursery, I packed his clothes in his suitcases and boxd up everything else and sat them outside my door and changed the locks.
When he wanted to know why, this is what I told him.
After 18 years of covering all of his expenses I was tired and wanted a little money for myself for a change, and after all he had two younger brothers that were still in school and needed me far more than he did.
When he said he needed me I told him, no you don't, you need somewhere to sit and watch tv, eat food, play video games and sleep.
Well buster,that isn't here anymore!
So within one month he had a great job, found a small apt. and was on his way.
That was 22 yrs ago.
Every child is different and you need to motivate them in different ways.
Just remember S., no matter what, make a stand and stick to it.
He will thank you for it later.

Your discription makes me wonder if your son is depressed. Check out this website: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_di...
See if your son has any of these symptoms. If so, get him help (there are some very good links on that page).

Charge him rent-have him buy his own food, clothes, etc. Have him cook for himself, do his own laundry, etc. Don't give him an allowance- If he HAS to pay rent, he HAS to have a job. There's no getting around that-unless he wants to end up in the streets-which I would discourage-but he needs to learn what REAL LIFE is all about. And take away the priveleges of computers and games until he starts taking his responsibilities and if he refuses-he's 18-kick him out! It's called tough love! That's my suggestion-and by the way-I have a 15 yr old with the same attitude! It's tough-but one day they'll grow up.(I hope! :) LOL!) Good luck!

It sounds to me like he doesn't have enough responsibility, nor does he have enough discipline. Considering he dropped out at age 15, this has been going on far longer than just now that he's 18 and lazy. You've created a "norm" for him. And I completely agree with "Larry And Rose S" below. If he's spending all the time he could be being productive on the computer or watching TV, he needs to lose those privileges and have to earn them back. He needs some resistence to his laziness and exploitation of your enabling personality. Don't just "suggest" that he go get a job or go to school. Tell him to get a job or get out. Enroll in classes (and actually finish them), get a job or get out. He's 18 years old. He should be doing something productive. It's time for him to grow up and take responsibility for his life. Other posters mentioned depression and chemical imbalances. That's a possibility, but I think you should try some other tactics before rushing off to spend hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on therapy and pumping him full of drugs when it's not certain that a true chemical imbalance is the problem. It sounds like he's had a bit of an unstable start to life with the divorce, a new half-brother, and now living in a camper. It's hard to deal with children who aren't doing what you think they should, but at some point we all need to realize that they are no longer OUR responsibility and they need to step up and take responsibility for their own lives. Good luck.

Its tough being a teenager/man. One of my brothers is turning 18 on this Friday, and is currently unemployed, and I believe he's just about ready to take his GED. School was boring for him. It might be that way for your son. If something was a "bad experience", we naturally don't tend to express a desire to get into it again. Has your eldest ever dealt with depression, or bi polar disorder? My brother's father had issues with that, and my brother fears that it may be something he will have to deal with due to bad genes. :) This sort of thing has been known to affect young adults when it does onset. Its also rough being the step son. If you were able to type publicly that your 9 year old with your current husband works harder than your 18 year old...he might be getting an unfair message of that as well. Try to communicate without sending that sort of message to him. Relate on what levels you can. Time will get him through this transition, but it'll be the whole family dynamic that sees whether or not its a healthy experience.

I, too, went through and read the other responses, and I see what some of them were saying. Its definitely not an easy solve. Lack of motivation, and staying in a mostly solitary attitude could very well be a sign that something is wrong. I don't want to come off as the type that jumps to a "mental" problem in order to avoid responsibility of bad parenting or whatnot, but seriously consider his past behavior. Lack of real friends?? I mean, come on. Problems in high school that ultimately lead to him dropping out?? Sure...you could kick him out. Your job is never done though. Motherhood is life long. I'd work it out in a way that is beneficial to all involved. Not just the quick fix to alleviate your strain.

S.,

Wow, this could have been my question 2 1/2 years ago!

Though my son didn't drop out of school, he didn't graduate with his class and aced the GED. We (my husband and I) felt like we were at the end of our rope, trying to get my son to do anything outside his bedroom.

All of us, including my son, were frustrated with the situation. Looking back, my son was depressed, feeling little worth.

Then he experienced a training that assisted him to see what a valuable person he was. I was sure that getting a job was just around the corner. The next three months seemed like an eternity. My son was the only one with patience. What my son wanted was not just a job, but was waiting for a career.
Today, I love stopping by his office and having people say how much they enjoy the work that he does.

What is stopping your son? Does he even know?
Is there a possibility that he is experiencing depression?

I honestly don't know if the training was the only catalyst for the change that my son experienced, but know that there was a great shift that it facilatated.

I do know that nagging doesn't work!
I encourage you to assist your son in finding his answers.

With Joy,
C.
Loving Connections LLC

Set a date and tell your son that he either needs to sign up for college classes or get a job (or both). After the date you set, he will need to find some where else to live if he hasn't followed through with college or job. He needs to learn to be self-sufficient If he isn't motivated to get out and support himself, you will have to motivate him. If not, he may still be sitting at home watching TV into his 40's. My dad allowed my sister to live at home and he paid all the bills. She will be 50 this year and has never learned to live on her own and support herself. Now that Dad is gone, my brother and I are supporting her. She recently had a stroke so we can't turn our backs on her. Our dad did us or her any favors, but he meant well.

Well you say he won't.. isn't it time then to force his hand? I mean I would sit down with him with the classifieds and tell him he can look for a job or look for another place to live, period. Then I would add up and show him how expensive living on his own would be, meals, utilities, expenses, rent...and wake him up. You cannot wait for him to be motivated until you give him reason, it may be tough love but he is old enough to get off his rear and live his life. I would tell him if he wants to stay there with you you are all for it, however he is expected to pay say $100 a month in rent. He may get mad, storm off but you aren't doing him any favors allowing him to play on the computer all day or watch TV all day. He sounds like a smart kid that just needs to find what he truly has a passion about. Is he artistic? Likes science? Math? Whatever encourage him that you will match what he makes at a job the first month even to help go towards classes or something he wants. Good luck I dread teenage years, I remember mine too well!! I can say my mom always dealt the tough love card and I was very grateful for it later in life.

You could do what my parents did to me I had to pay rent as in half the mortgage for the 2 rooms I was using ( I was a single mom( new baby and 18 at the time) along with that I had to put into a savings account for my daughter $300 a month for child care instead of paying my mom to watch her while I was at work it was about what I would have been paying for child care anyway. I also had to help with the other bills like groceries, water bill and electric basically they made it that wether I was living with them or on my own I was paying my fair share of the bills so I might as well just move out so I didn't have to follow there rules ( home by 10, no tv or phone after 10 same chores as when I was a kid ) and now I am a very successful 26 year old mom with a full time job my own house and car and paying for everything by my self and doing fine as an adult it took them basically pushing me out of the nest and making me grow up to get me to do it. It was hard but definately worth it now that I look back. I am sure it was harder for them than it was for me but we all made it through and I am a much better person for it.

I have a son that has went through special education throughout his whole life due to some mental health issues (ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, Early onset of Childhood Schizophrenia) that managed to stay in school until his senior year. He also had a difficult time making friends and to this day he is very reclusive and anti-social, however when he graduated from high school all he wanted to do was sit home and play playstation or hang with his friends. He kept lying to me about turning in job applications that I had helped him pick up. He was to fill them out and return them and I sent him out the door many days to do just that. One day I went in his room for something and discovered that he had never filled out any of these applications properly or turned them in. He had written smart aleck answers on them and had them all in a pile in his room. It was that very day that he came home to find all of his stuff out on the porch and a note on the door stating he no longer resided with us. That may sound very harsh and may be something that you can't imagine doing to your child, but let me tell you that our son lives on his own, maintains a job, has never come back and asked for any help and while he still has problems socially he is doing quite well as a productive member of our society. He is now 22 years old. Tough love is called that for a reason, but it really does work.

Not that I usually think that tough love is the best love (because i really don't) But it might be time for you to show a little. He is an adult if he is going to stay with you he should have to pay rent, cook, etc. Or you need to ask him to go live somewhere else. I doubt that you want a 30yr old son living with you with no job down the line and he's young so he'll bounce back. It's going to be very hard but i think that would help him a lot!

I Personally am not in your position as I have a 5 1/2 & 8 1/2
both boys, BUT I've spent the last 16 yrs. watching my sister-
in-law move in & out of my in laws home with her five kids.In
which lost a few months ago for lack of paying the mortgage.I
guess what I'm trying to say is you've apparently done a great
job as a single parent(don't know if i could)& now he's supposed to be an adult & prove to you he's appreciative of how you raised him,I imagine you were not handed everything you'd acquired, Lovingly set him down explain that you'll always be there & is more than welcome to stay but that he does need a job to pay his share.. Believe me as a mom I know
how you feel he is your baby & YOU just want to help- Another
example I can give you is my 26 yr old brother has lived off our mom who is also a single mom for 30 yrs. And I don't know how your husband is, But mine says 18, there out, they can sink or swim. I say if they can hold down a job, pay their own way he can stay with the understanding that he has to put
something aside for his own place!!! GOOD LUCK!! I'll be there
soon & I'll be going through stuff You've already have gone through..A. B.

Does he have Asperger's Syndrome?
Disconnect the TV and the computer-or leave the computer on for productive activities, such as research and online classes. Your son will follow the ways of the same sex parent-it's sad. Don't depend on the father-you take the initative and get out of the situation. Get housing and temporary cash assistance for you and your son-get him a job-any job-my Princeton educated brother-in-law worked at a McDonalds-so can your son-for that matter, so can mine. In this economy-any job is an opportunity. I have a degree and have held many posotions and I'm waiting to hear from Pizza Hut! I am going through much of the same-believe me this is easy to say not to do. I am struggling to get my nineteen yr old out of bed to register for classes that begin Monday! My 23 yr old has a B.S. in Biotechnology and is content to work in a deli/wine shop 3 days a week! My oldest daughter with the most education $250,000 +/- including college degree hs worked less than two yrs total in her entire life! She is married and has produced most adorable grandchild-ever! Youngest daughter is senior in college-entirely motivated-but waits 'til the last cotton-picking minute to do everything-usually just costs a lot of money by then. Oldest son lives in NY. He has 148 IQ and dropped out of very fancy high school and got diploma from state as he only got 15 points off on GED. He lives had-to-mouth and loves every minute of it. He works very hard and meets the most interesting , talented people you have ever even imagined-it is NY, for gosh sakes!

I wish you all the luck in the world-and assure you-you are not by any means, alone. God Bless.

Tell him since he is of age, he can start paying you rent, even if it's just $50 a month. If he doesn't pay, kick him out. I stayed with my grandma after I had served a mission for my church. She estimated that it took $200 a month to feed a person. When I had a moment of being unemployed, I asked if I could not worry about rent until I got another job. She told me no! I paid her out of my savings. I am forever grateful that she didn't let up and allow me to have it easier. I plan to do the same for my kids when they grow up.

I would tell him to get a job or hit the road your not helping him by giving him everything he wants,he will only do if you make him. School of hard knox is my way . C.

I have an 18-year old stepson (who came to live with us at 16) whom I love more than life...he and I have a better relationship than even he and his mother! He totally has the same inclinations. I have two things to say and I'm going to say them as gently as I can, but since you don't know me, or know my heart, you may take them as "mean," but I am not!

It's time for tough love! It's time to disconnect the computer -- cancel the internet if you have to (since you're going to be going back to work)! The whole family goes to the library to access the internet! At least the time there is monitored and limited!

Then cancel the cable! It doesn't have to be forever, but it has to be for a period until he gets the message that this behavior is not acceptable for a functioning member of society -- even if it's YOU who aspires to this FOR him!!

If you can monitor both these activities without cancelling anything, great! But I would be really honest with myself about how realistic this is (especially in light of your pending absence for work).

Does he have things around the fifth wheel that he's responsible for? If not, make it so! Does he have favorite foods or things that you buy just for him? Stop and tell him it's time he pays for his own food and personal items (razor blades, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, etc). But really!! If he has to start paying for things (even rent?), the necessity of a job will start to occur to his brain.

Now the second thing I'm going to say goes from this Mommy's heart to yours. Only you know the answers and no one can force introspection, but I highly recommend it!

He didn't get these behaviors in a vacuum! Do you want something that is going to be a spark for the fire under his behind, work magically and be 'easy' for you? It ain't gonna happen! It will be something that will be UNCOMFORTABLE and difficult for you!! Just as it will be hard for him to change these habits, it'll be hard for you to enforce this and change YOUR habits of allowing this! Are you expecting more of him than you do of yourself?

He's only doing this because you allow it. Period. That's the bad news. So it's not up to him to change, it's up to you to change his situation which will compel him to do something differently. Otherwise he'll be 42 and you'll still be complaining about the same thing...and you'll still be buying him his Fruit Loops. I say this with SO much empathy!! Not judgment!

Remember the girlfriend in "When Harry Met Sally" who kept complaining about her married boyfriend, "Oh, he's never going to leave [his wife]!" and all the friends were SO TIRED of listening to her, because of COURSE he was never going to leave his wife! Don't be that friend! Either determine that you're not willing to change what you're doing and stop complaining about his behavior (which might eerily mirror your own??) OR you make the decision to do something different.

N. in WY

ps. After submitting my response, I looked at the other replies and I SO AGREE to the comments about giving him an eviction notice with a specific date. However, I would modify this by saying that the way he is NOW...it might be unrealistic to think that he'll turn things around so radically in just a month's time, for example. I would give him a date in the future (not terribly far out...six months, maybe? A year?) and then institute the changes that I recommended above until then! Otherwise he'll get to that date & be caught mid-game of D&D and be SHOCKED that he has to leave tomorrow! That's setting him up to fail, in my book!

We lived in a small travel trailer (18') for 6 months while we built our house, but we didn't have separate rooms, so you are ahead of us there! All the same, there is NOT enough room for extra people. I would think your son would want more space of his own!!! I don't think you should kick him out, but you should make some ground rules for him if he chooses to live with you--that he either attend college classes (he can get into a JC with the GED) or get a full-time job.

I TOTALLY agree with the pp. I wouldn't give him x amount of months though only weeks. My sister has been the one one in my family to just live off of my mom and she's now 21 and still hasn't done anything with her life, my husband and I even let her move in with us on condition that she take at least one college class and get at least a part-time job. She took an institute class and thought that it should count and took over three months to get a part-time job, because we gave her a week before she'd be out. It didn't last long because she knew that she could go home at any time and my mom would let her do whatever she wanted with no consequences. I know people who are in there 30's who still live off their parents, because their parents let them. Do you really want that for your son or for yourself?

I may not be there myself now but I've known plenty of people who are or were and the only way that they get out of it is to be forced out. I know it's hard but hard is better than the alternatives.

Good luck.

Dear S.,
My name is M. and am a single mom with a 20 year old son and 22 year old daughter in college. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now so the first thing I want to share with you is make sure you have a few minutes alone to yourself every day to clear your head. Just even walking outside in fresh air and a park will be healing as that helped me over the years. My daughter had challenging teen years as she was rebellious and also not motivated. She quit high school at 16 and got her GED at that time. She was always very academically gifted in school but was very bored so maybe your son is that way, too. My daughter also got involved with drugs and alcohol so we went to counseling and she got help over the past few years. I am not trying to upset you by bringing up the subject of alcohol & drugs but it happens to many families. I would suggest that your son see a doctor and get a physical just to make sure everything is okay. Many teens suffer from depression but I would recommend counseling before prescription drugs as those don't always help. Volunteering at a soup kitchen to feed the homeless or at a local humane shelter to help animals might help your son see how good it feels to help others. Is there a trusted family friend or pastor that could sit down with your son to talk? So many changes happen in the teen years and it can be very overwhelming for both the teen and the parent. I would also highly recommend exercise for your son as that would give him some extra energy. Also, look at his diet. Many teens eat too much junk food with fat and sugar so it's hard to get motivated when people don't eat healthy food. S., please know there is help available. There are low-cost or free counseling services so just google them online for your town. You and your family will get through this tough time. My daughter now feels strong and happy in her life. She has a job and is back in college. But also know that you can't make a person go to college if they don't or aren't ready for it. Try to be as non-judgmental as possible with your son now. I know you are probably feeling so overwhelmed that's why the first thing is make sure you can stay calm and what helps me is a walk in the park. Is your son's biological father in his life? Does your son get along with his stepfather? It's important for your son to have a positive male mentor he can talk to. Maybe your son has acted out for years (even withdrawing into himself is acting out) if his dad hasn't been around. My ex wasn't around to help raise our kids as he remarried and had another family so he was too busy for our son & daughter. I hope this e-mail is not too long but I just wanted to reassure you that help is out there but it takes time. Definitely get your son tested for alcohol and drug use because that definitely can make a teen not motivated to do anything and to lose interest in other activities. Some kids are not very social so that's why I suggest volunteering as if he sees he can help others, then maybe that will give him more confidence and motivation to get a part-time job and maybe go to college down the road. My kids always enjoyed being involved with music (my son is a drummer and my daugher sings and play piano). It's never too late to learn a new hobby or to get excited about music, art, or a sports interest (my son really enjoyed tennis and that's a good sport to play if you don't like group sports). I would check the computer at home to see what websites your son has been to(I know he's 18 and kids can say they can do anything they want but if he lives at home with you, then he still has to abide by your house rules). Many teens have access to pornography websites. Believe me, I wish I had had someone giving advice like this to me when my daughter was younger. I was so naive to think my daughter wouldn't get involved with certain things. But the good news is she changed her life around for the better. I have never had any problems with my son so I say that just because all kids are different and maybe your 9 year old will be motivated in his life and find activities that interest him and always work hard. Please don't compare the kids to each other as they are all different. Maybe family counseling would be helpful, too. Maybe your son was angry that you remarried 9 years ago and stuffed his feelings. Stepfamilies are very challenging (I briefly remarried when my kids were younger teens and my 2nd husband had 2 teens of his own but the marriage didn't work out as it was so stressful blending families). Good luck, S.. Please don't despair and I can definitely say to you that things will get better.
M. Johnson

S.,
Like some others have said, given some of the issues he has had in the past and being a step child in the relationship, could be part of the issue as well. My daughter had to deal with being treated like the "unwanted step child" in her fathers relationship by both her father and his wife. Let him know he is loved, don't compare him to his younger brother and talk to him about what is going on with him. Get him counseling and if it is determined that he is just taking advantage then let tough love kick in.

My daughter thought I was kidding when I told her you either go back to school full time or you get a job otherwise you are out on you butt. She lost the cell phone when she dropped out of school. She chose to sit on her butt at home doing nothing, not even helping around the house so as hard as it was, I followed through and kicked her out. She had no choice but to pick herself up and provide for herself. Later she moved back in for a short time, kept her job and helped around the house. Today she is doing well. She got her GED, has got certifications so she is now a assistant teacher at a child development center on base just waiting for her classroom to be ready so she will be a teacher. She is very responsible, pays her bills ahead and gives to those who have less than she does and believe me she doesn't have all that much herself. I am very proud of her and she thanks me for using tough love on her otherwise she wouldn't be where she is today. Just remember to let him know you love him and you are just trying to do what is best for him.

Truthfully, if he isn't in school them he needs to get a place of his own and take care of his responsibilities! My rule in my house is if your aren't in college the you have 6 months from the date of your 18th b-day to get a job and housing and move out, if you are in college we will do everything possible to help you out including room and board. My oldest is going to be 17 in a few months (where did the time go?) and then each year after him one will be turning 18, plus 3 small ones, and they are the example for the younger ones. It is so hard to shove your child out the door and 18 can still seem so young, but I also know I want my kids to prosper and there is no way that is going to happen if I coddle them. Motivation starts from within, and right know he has no reason to become motivated mom and dad take care of it all so for him life is good. Draw the line, start with a contract explaining exactly what you expect from him in those 6 months ie,..get a job, save X amount of paycheck for first and last, what time he is expected home what chores are his responsibilities, whatever is on the top of your list, and then let him know that he gets three warnings and if none of it is being followed prior to the 6 month time frame then he will have to leave sooner rather then later. Good luck tough love isn't called that cause it is fun.

S.,

It sounds like your son has no reason to get a job. Everything is supplied for him. My thought is to tell him that as an 18 year old young man and you respect that he is an adult now. Tell him you need to treat him that way.
So as an adult he has 1 or maybe 2 months to get a job and find his own place to live. Let him know that no matter wether he has a job and place to live or not, he will not be allowed to live in your home after the month is over. Set an exact date so he knows when his time is up. If he has not done this when the time agreed on is over put him and his stuff out the front door and let him make it on his own. My daughter is 21 and we had to do something similar to that with her. She is now working and going to school. She still has some maturing to do, but is out there learning how to be an adult. We support her emotionally and we let her know how much we love her and respect that she is an adult who can make her own way in life, as such we do nothing for her financially at this time. That might change depending on her circumstances, but she is getting great satisfaction from doing things on her own.

K.

Has your son been to a doctor to check if he has depression problems?

There are quite a few people in my family who suffer from depression, but medication has saved them. My sister used to shut off her phone, pull her curtains and 'hide out'in her house. If somebody came over she just pretended not to be home. She lost a grant that would have paid for her to go to college, something that she always wanted to do. She lost many jobs and several husbands. It was very hard for her but especially for her family. We all love her very much, and tried to help her, but she just didn't want our help. The depression takes over and runs your life for you.

So, I think I would make an appointment with your family doctor and have your son checked to see if he suffers from depression first. If the doctor doesn't think that he is depressed, or bi-polar then you should think about trying some of the tough love that many of the women who responded to you told you to try.

I wish you the best with this. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Keep all of us posted on how he is doing please.

I'm not disagreeing with the other replies, I just want to add some other ideas that might be useful too. If all he does is watch TV and play on the computer, then maybe eliminating his access to those 2 devices might be helpful for getting him out the door. Or perhaps you can make access to those devices a reward for him working or going to school? Furthermore, do you pay for his cell phone or txt plan? Does he have a car or vehicle that requires gas? what luxuries can you eliminate if he doesn't pay for them himself - or go to college in return for you continuing to pay for them? Just a few extra ideas. I wish you the best in this difficult situation.

If he is an adult, and he is, make him become responsible. Whether he wants a job or not. If you want him to be an adult, you must treat him like one. An adult is responsible for their life and contributes to it.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, but why should he be motivated? He has all of his needs taken care of. He's 18. You need to kick him out and make him learn the meaning of a $. He'll stay at home as long as he can. If you don't want to kick him out initially, start charging him rent, then if he doesn't pay or even make an effort to get a job, then kick him out. Some kids just need an extra push to get motivated.

I like all the other responses but..... I see a whole knew dilema arrising out there. An issue that isn't even in the headlines yet. Kids addicted to the computer games such as WOW (world of Warcraft) and I think it is Final Fantasy and others. This is all these kids do is play the game, live the game. I know adults who every waking moment when not working that is all they do. To the expense of their own children and family. It is all they think about. It IS their real world. It sounds to me like your son is caught up in this. I have two children caught up in this. My son just moved out and basically just found another place to play. Makes just enough money to pay rent and barely eat abd play. But he is finally not in my house. Our daughter is thirty and addicted to another game as is her husband. All they do is play. Lucky someone pays attention to the grandkids. This is an epidemic and our country has no idea what it has done to its kids. WARNING IF YOUR CHILDREN PLAY THESE GAMES STOP THEM!!!!!!!!

I would recommend that you make your son realize that he is an adult and needs to step up and help out! You have gotten him this far, now he needs to do his part. If still no response, setting up a payment schedule for the cost of electricity he uses playing those games and the cost of those games, not to mention the cost of the computer or the TV. This is the real world and he needs to wake up and be a part of it. What are his interests and his goals? He needs to know where he's going in order to get there.

He's 18 years old, an adult. He needs motivation so give it to him. Take his computer and T.V. away until he does something worth getting so much time back on them. He should also be needing money. Maybe you could work something out where he now has to start paying his own way in this world---rent to you, food from you, electricity for his T.V. and computer, etc. Good Luck to you!

my parents told my brother and i that we were welcome to live with them after high school as long as we were either working or in college. otherwise we would have to get our own apartment. they gave us a time limit to make our decision, helped us research our options, and didn't let us talk them out of their rule. they warned us that if we chose to do nothing, we would find our stuff on the porch on the designated day. i thought that was a little harsh, but my brother needed a push like that. he was sick of school and my parents' house, so he looked into an apartment. but when he realized that he would have to work more to pay his own bills, he chose to stay with my parents and just get the part-time job. it wasn't what my parents preferred, but at least he was being productive, so they were satisfied. eventually he realized how nice having money can be and got the full-time job, then went to college. stick to your guns!