Neighbor Kids

I don't think that you should tell your daughter that if she wants to hang out with them, she needs to stop acting so silly. I know you are trying to help her because you know that she will be upset when they refuse to play with her. She is only acting her age and in the end that is only teaching her that if she wants this girl to like her then she needs to "act" a certain way (which is not herself) I would continue to make play dates with girls her age.

I hate to say this, but this is life lesson time. This morning i explained to my 11 year old that not everybody is going to like you and you are not going to like everybody, but you have to learn to get along in life. Honestly, I was in college when I learned this and it was devastating to me. I always was able to have friends across different groups of people.

I have always encouraged my son to be himself and I think you need to do this with your daughter too. If she's silly, dang, she's only six who gives a flying... I think many girls grow up way too fast and your daughter sounds like a fun, sweet girl. I would encourage her to play with girls her own age. I used to tell my son that he needed to go find something really fun to do that everyone else wanted to do so the kids would come and ask to play.

Oh, I am so glad I have a boy. Yes, bruises, scrapes and black eyes, but less likely to have emotional impact that girls impose.

Good luck to both you and your "silly" daughter,
S.

My advice...don't listen to Jeanne's advice! At this age "stay out of it" is not appropriate. You need to be very aware of what is going on in her life. Let your daughter be silly and encourage it, this is her innocence. Try your hardest to keep her away from the older girl. We have the exact thing going on with our 4 yr old son and a neighbor boy with an older brother who runs with even older kids. He will undoubtedly become the 3rd wheel every time and unfortunately the 4 yr old will shun our son just as he has always been shunned. We put the kabosh on the relationship because he is always getting hurt feelings. We have since hooked up with one of my friends sons of the same age, he has 5 older brothers/sisters clear up to 11 and they all play great together, older kids can be just as sweet, you've just found a bad apple. I've reached out to a play group as well and it is o.k., it keeps him busy when he has the urge to socialize. Good luck!

I can sympathize. We live way out from school (rural) from most of my kids' friends, and during the school year we are all so busy that they really only can play with neighborhood kids. Only there really aren't many. None are the same ages as my kids. Fortunately for us, the 2 other families with kids are very sweet families and the kids are all pretty well mannered, and most of the time it works out fairly well. But the age difference is a challenging issue. (my son is 11, neighbor girl is 9, my daughter is 8, neighbor girl is 6 with a younger brother of 4.5).

I think you just need to really monitor what is going on and when things aren't going well you'll need to step in and change where things are going or end the play time for that day. You really can't expect a 7 and an 8 yr old to be mature enough to "realize they need to be more polite"... unless their parents are REALLY awesome parents who talk to them often about this sort of thing. Kids are just people and what comes naturally to people is selfishness... not generosity. A giving spirit really has to be taught from a young age and as the kids mature, that spirit has to be nurtured. And you can't control the other kids' behavior or whether they want to be friends with your daughter. It's hard. But it is a part of growing up and learning about relationships and friendships, and what kinds you do and don't want to be/have.

I don't think you should tell your daughter that she needs to not be so silly. Don't squelch her imagination... she's 6! But I think it IS okay for you to tell her the other girls may not want to play that way. They ARE older, after all. It is hard to avoid hurt feelings if she is excluded... so maybe try to steer your daughter towards kids closer to her age. Rather than have a "play date" (where you get together with the other mom and kid) maybe you could offer to pick up the other child from school (along with your daughter) and have her over for a few hours. And then either run her home, or the mom could come pick her up at a pre-arranged time. I found that once school became a part of the routine, a plan that involves a "saved" trip to school works much better for a lot of families. Or see if there is a friend from school that could do a sleep over.

Sorry to hear you're in an awkward situation.
I highly, highly recommend reading the book "Hold on to Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. It completely changed the way I view my children's relationships with friends, and eliminated my own sense of urgency that they have lots of friends and be quick to establish friendships. You can find this book at your library or cheap at Amazon.com.
Neufeld is a family counselor and this books discusses the phenomenon of "peer orientation," when children surrender their healthy, developmentally-appropriate attachements to adult role models and mentors in favor of being solely attached to their peers. While this is very, very common in U.S. culture, especially among teens (and getting younger all the time!) "peer orientation" and the related behaviors are neither healthy nor normal, and can be dangerous when children sacrifice their values to fit in with peers.
At age 6, it is completely appropriate that your child's friendships and relationships beyond the family are filtered through you. She can play with the children of people you are friends with. If other families are too busy for lots of play dates, may I suggest that you also become busy with wholesome activities? Nothing expensive or elaborate, just things like trips to the library, pool and park. Libraries often have summer programs that are low-cost and appealing. You can plan fun things like cooking projects where you let her browse cookbooks and then make something together, or simple crafts such as decorating a bulletin board for her room or working on a small garden patch. The idea is that she is too occupied with her own projects with her own family to feel discouraged by the rudeness of the neighbor girls. If she wants opportunities to be with peers, consider enrolling her in a weekly class, such as gymnastics or art, so that she is having fun with children her own age but things are somewhat monitored by an adult with whom she can feel some healthy attachment.
Seriously, I do not think you are being overly sensitive in feeling like this situation is a problem. But instead of focusing on helping her fit in, consider redirecting her completely because it doesn't sound like the other two girls have a very healthy relationship with each other, and you don't want your daughter to be an accidental, young victim of a "queen bee." For future interactions, consider having a specific activity planned and a specific start and end time ("You may play basketball with those girls for 30 minutes, and then I will need you to come help me put these flowers in a vase/make cookies/go to the store.") And then follow through. It's worth the hassle.
Additionally, I think groups of three are nearly always toxic for children. Consider keeping interactions to just *two* girls so there is no competition, manipulation, or loyalty testing going on at all.
Keep us posted--best wishes to you!

It is hard to see your child not fit in with others, oh so it may seem. I went through the same things with my girls. I sat them down and explainded to them how the other children were acting and let them know that sometimes kids will be mean because that's just how they are or they will do things just to be friends with other kids. Now in your situation these girls are going to stick together especially if one of the girls does exactly what the other wants, that will not change. We as parents can not change how others treat our kids but explaining things early to your kids is one thing I find works. We think our kids are too young to understand but they soak everything in. I personally would let it go, you can not make these kids do what you want and your daughter unfortunatley will keep wanting to be friends until she finds something she likes to do without them. I had to become quite inventive at home when my kids had no one to play with them, I have one that is very outgoing and one that is very qiet. They both have friends! It's hard to see this happen but we need to be the better parent and time will pass and she will learn on her own unfortunately.

The first thing I would concern myself with is not telling my daughter to act differently around these girls so they like her better. That will be a lifelong "bad" habit of trying to be someone she is not. Sounds to me that these girls are no good and have a bad attitude to begin with. At 7 and 8, they should still want to be silly and fun not rude and condescending. I think you would be better off saying something to these girls directly. Ask them how they would feel if other girls did these sorts of things to them. If they don't straighten up after that then you need to just teach your daughter to find nice people to hang with.

I totally understand that there are no other kids around for her to play with but sometimes that is just the breaks. Keep trying play dates with other families, you will be a lot better off.

Good luck.

my first response to this is... perhaps she could play with boys her age? It sounds like she may be a little tomboyish with the way she'd like to grown with a pirate sword. My boy does this kind of behaviour and i can see how it may not mesh with the typical girl-friend. Are there other boys in the 'hood that are her age? Try it out. See if they can run around and be wild .. their energies may match better than girl-girl ;)

If the older girls are not mature enough to play with a younger child, it CERTAINLY is not up to the younger child to act older. I also have a 6 year old and older neighbors, but I guess I would rather her be a bit bored and 6 than busy and acting like she's 10. :)

My kids are 4 and they are the youngest kids on our street. My husband and I have talked to each of the neighbor kids individually and explained how they are role models for our kids and how our kids want to be just like them. We made sure each child understood that they could play with our kids only if they were good role models. We thought one boy (about age 10 at the time) would be a problem because he was kind of an angry kid, but after my husband talked to him he has been absolutely wonderful with my boys. I think that this boy responded well because my husband is the "cool but tough dad" on the block.

If I were you I would talk to the oldest girl and politely explain that your daughter and this other girl really look up to her, and that when you are the oldest you have a responsibility to be a good role model. If you don't think she will respect you what you say, then you might ask someone else that she looks up to to talk to her.

And if/when these other girls are mean, then politely explain to them that their actions are very hurtful to a little girl who really just wants to be like them. If the problem continues then you will have to explain to your daughter why the older girl cannot come over to play any more.

Shame and fear of rejection are powerful relationship glue... but ultimately poison to the spirit. I love that your daughter was inviting interaction-- and how disempowering that it was so rejected. Two possiblities: if the girls are over, plan an activity that you lead and can include them with. String beads for necklaces, bake cookies, get out sidewalk chalk and make hopscotch, turn the jumprope. Have fun with them, but be the adult. If they are walking out of your house in a way that is rude, stop them, look them in the eye, and say, "please come say goodbye to xxx before you leave". Other times if you feel comfortable taking them aside and explaining how much xxx looks up to them, and that she is learning from them about friendship. In a nice but firm way, you can let them know that in your house, the rules are to be kind and respectful of others. You love having them over, but they need to be able to follow those rules. Be the Mom, it's okay to protect your kids, and to model that there are standards for how to treat others, and if they are the girls in your neighborhood, they're going to interact with your daughter anyway. Under no circumstances let your daughter play at their house--- recipe for disaster. If they're that rude at your house, and your daughter is that enamored with them, you don't want her at their mercy.

And yes, look for other friends. Keep trying for a playdate... soiemtimes it takes awhile to coordinate busy schedules! If you have to, sign up for another activity. Or try a church, if that suits you... our kids have found valuable friendships outside of school through our church.

Our family friends had older girls, and they were sometimes rude to our daughter. My husband let me know he didn't want her to play with them at all, or only under adult supervision. It was hard, because it meant that we saw this family less often. But I do think it was the best for her. It's a little harder when they're the only ones in the neighborhood!

I second what Cindy G. said. Telling her not to act silly is teaching her she has to be someone else for someone to like her. She is only 6. At this age she should be acting silly and if you ask me, you should be encouraging her imagination (and you probably are I'm sure)! That's great that she acts out being a pirate! A child's imagination is a wonderul thing =-)

Can you arrange some playdates with just the younger one? Sounds like your daughter really likes her.

I have been in this same situation with the neighbor kids around us, again, slightly older than my son. It is important to help your daughter realize that she did nothing wrong, and that girls who treat her this way are not her friends. Tell her that they are older, and that is why they are acting like this (this may help her feel less to blame.) Unfortunately, this is a first lesson in dealing with 'mean girls', and they will be around for a long time. Make sure she knows how to stand up for herself, and not be bullied. If she feels like you are on her side against the mean girls, she will be more confident in herself.
Try to set up some play dates with other kids from school somewhere neutral and fun, like a park or playground. Come up with a date after school has ended, when schedules may open up a bit. And remember, that you are your daughters most important influence, not stupid neighbor kids.

Well first of all I understand its nice for our kids to have someone to play with. Maybe start a playgroup thru Meetup in your area. My meetup playgroup is the best playgroup in my area.
Second you can't force people to be polite and think of others. Many people now a days don't seem for manners to be a priority.
That being said I would stay out of it let it go. My next door neighbor says things all time for things completely different type of situation. Her son always starts stuff but she thinks its everyone else in the neighborhood. I politely listen but tell her I would prefer to stay out of it. The neighbors may become hostile towards you ...its not worth it.

I'm so sorry you daughter had a rough day with the neighbor girls. That's hard, I know. I have 2 girls, 8 and 10, and we've been through the "left out" thing in our neighborhood, too. I think with girls, some days will always be a struggle. More than their ages, I think you're dealing with is the dreaded "group of 3" problem. With girls in a group of 3, someone is always on the outs. It is just so hard to share attention. Unfortunately, your daughter being the youngest also makes her an easy target. My 10 year old has struggled with this for about a year. She just falls apart and gets her feelings hurt so easily in a group of 3. I don't like to turn anyone away that wants to play, but it's gotten so rough, I'm going to start telling the neighbor kids gently who come to the door, that we are only having one friend at a time over for awhile, because groups have been so hard. They've seen my daughter leave crying and break down so often, I think they will understand and I will make sure they know it isn't about them personally. I would talk to your daughter about the struggles girls sometimes have in group play. I would tell her it will be easier to play with them one at a time. If the other girls are together, I would find something else to do. Start inviting playdates with girls her same age. Once she bonds some more with other sweet little girls who like to play making animal and pirate sounds, her self-esteem will get a boost.

You can't make the older kids want to play like a younger child. It's tough, but that's life. They are just kids too. It isn't their job to play with your child.

I'm not so sure this is a problem of them being older and your daughter too silly. It sounds more like the problem is that the oldest girl is rude. Do you really want your daughter trying to be like her? I had a best friend in grade school who I started to think was too immature for me. Another girl agreed and convinced me to target my best friend by giving her dirty looks and refusing to talk to her so that she would "get the message" that we didn't like how immature she was acting. I will always regret that. It was devastating to my best friend. Eventually I realized that I didn't like the other girl nearly as much as I liked my best friend, but by then it was too late. I went for years wishing I hadn't been swayed by the other girl to be mean and missing my friend. Some time in our teens I apologized and we worked toward repairing our relationship, but I still regret it. One of my 6 yr old son's best friends is a 9 yr old neighbor girl and they have plenty of good fun together being silly and pretending all kinds of things. Sure there are times that they each want to play different things, but they don't make each other feel bad about it. They just go their separate ways for a while. My son has gotten upset at times when she doesn't want to play the same thing, but I just tell him that we all are different and I'm sure they could find something that they both like to do. Because they are good friends, they are able to eventually find something to do together. But in my own experience, whenever girls treated me the way your daughter is being treated, they were trying to ditch me because they didn't like me. It was a hard lesson to learn, but eventually I found better friends. I think it would be great for you to keep trying to set up playdates. Who is her favorite friend at school or at church? Do you have an old friend with kids who you would enjoy catching up with while the kids play? Good luck!

A brother and sister pair used to come over to play with my children. The boy was the same age as my son and they played nice, but the girl was a 2 years older than my daughter. She wasn't that nice, but my daughter always wanted to her be over. Then my daughter started to to copy the girls behavior which I did not like. My point is that you should get that nasty girl away from your daughter before she starts to feel like she need to be nasty to make friends. Keep working on getting her around kids her own age. I know it is hard, but it's better to just keep her away before she picks up nasty habits.

Stay out of it. That's life. Not everyone will want to be friends with your daughter, as hard as that may be for her and you. Find friends for her that are her age. Meetup groups are a good place to start.

Tough love is the answer for me---I see that you have two choices to put in front of your daughter....1.) Move on because sometimes you can't make other people like you, especially "true friends" or 2.) Explain to her why some of her actions are responsible for them not wanting to play with her, if she thinks this younger girl is worth it.

It would be hard for me to see my daughter upset but ultimately in adult life these situations come up and I would want my daughter to have me there to "help" her handle them herself, rather than me just swooping in and doing it for her.

Obviously, just my opinion.....Best wishes.

I have raised six children on my own and six is a great age I don't think she is being silly or that she should change for them. She is just being her age and more power to her. So many of the children these days grow up to fast to try to fit in and it leads to all kinds of trouble. I would try very hard to get the girl and her togeather more often without the others who seem to be a bad influence, maybe talk to that girls mother and arrange a sleep over. They would have more in common and she sounds like she has a kind soul. Try to never tell her to fit into the other click cause it sounds like they are going in the wrong direction and your daughter is to loving for thier group. I hope this helps. Mother of 6 Grandmother of 5

My heart goes out to you! I feel so protective of my little girl too. Everyone she sees is her friend! I would look online for more playgroup activities or look at your rec center for inexpensive activities that get her involved with more kids her own age. She is little and shouldn't have to change who she is to accommodate another child. Being silly without being self conscious is what makes them our sweet little children! Try to find someone with relatively the same schedule as you to get your child with theirs. Shoot, you could go to the McDonald's play land and have a coke and watch her play. She might run into another child her age and you can strike up a conversation with that kids parent. I see my daughter go through not being "cool" enough for some of the older kids at the park and just try to play with her myself or go to a different park. I just feel like she is too young to feel like she isn't enough for another person. Best of luck!!!