Need Help with Step-daughter

I know it's hard work being a step-mom but you did indeed choose this, and obviously this girl is in a lot of pain if she is drinking and has manic-depression, and perhaps your husband knows that he and her mother had something to do with that, so it's understandable that he "go easy" on her - she needs gentleness, understanding, and love. You are the adult, so it's your job to be the loving and kind parent here. Get support in real life, but also do some reading and learn to be the best stepparent you can! Here's a place to start:

http://www.stepfamily.org/

Manic depression is usually hereditary and if not treated can become worse. You should call your local mental health facility for information on signs and how to talk to your step daughter about what she is going through. She may need a counselor to help her through her dad issues and with whatever else is going on with her. And you may need to talk to one just to learn how to handle situations with a manic depressive person. As a mother of a 16 yr.old manic depressive it certainly helps and can be a long and turbulent road if she is not treated or diagnosed. the drinking will lead to possible drug use and manic depressives are more likely to commit suicide while drinking, it brings them down more,so I've read.
She is 18 and you are not really responsible for her but it seems to me she needs help soon. Good Luck!

Sometimes a little bit of tough love works. If she has manic depression, or your husband thinks that she has it, then she needs to get this issue taken care of. Drinking will only make the depression issue worse, and mixed with her drinking will be even worse.

Drinking is not an excuse, my concern would be because of her age. Your husband needs to tell her no and that she needs to come home. I just went through this with my 18 year old son..... I'm 18 and I'm an adult, I can stay out as long as I want and not follow your rules. Sometimes teens at they age just need a little reality check.

Good Luck,

T.

Go to
http://www.centralchristian.com/cbweekly/feature4.asp
to see about a stepfamily conference my chruch is having. You can register on the website. There is a fee, but I think it will be worth every cent. This is probably one of the best resources available for your situation. If your family can't afford it, I'm sure if you got in touch with the church, they'd be willing to help you out. Hope you go or find something that works for your family.

You said she is a good kid but drinks. I assume this means she is hoping to please you and get along in most ways. have you tried telling her you are concerned and asking if there is anything you could do to help her out? Also, there is a great online magazine - www.teenink.com
written for 13-19 year olds and contributed to by teenagers. Might be a good resource. You could even take a look and see if it gave you any ideas.
I will say that I did my share of drinking as a teenager and while I made bad decisions and have many regrets, I understand that those were MY choices. Looking back I do wish I had done things differently but in order to do that I would have had to have a different upbringing. One that taught me more about respecting myself and valuing my body. Instead of learning the lessons young, I learned them the hard way when I got older. The point is though, I did learn them. If your step daughter is checking in that is definitely one thing in your favor. It sounds like she has had an unstable existence until now and is not used to being able to count on anything. You can set conditions of her living with you. Regular family counseling, curfews, check-ins, no drinking and driving (very important!). I am of the opinion that counseling doesn't work unless the whole family goes. Actually what might work better is family mediation. That is more learning about how to respect each others needs and listen to what each other are saying. It is good skills for everyone.
However, I know people will condemn me for this, I might condemn myself someday . . . but, the reality is that most kids experiment with drinking before 21 and it is a legal construct that makes it wrong for an 18 year old to drink, not a moral construct. 18 year olds can vote and serve their country and die at war. I think many of the problems we have in the 18-21 set have to do with not teaching them about drinking responsibly, turning it into an act of rebellion and not providing safe avenues for that age group for the purpose of their exploration. I think the gap bewteen 18-21 where we expect adult behavior from kids with out granting adult priveledges is ridiculous. I think it should be when you are an adult you are an adult. If you can't drink at 18 you shouldn't be able to vote, or serve in the military or be able to get a phone in your name. The age gap seems arbitrary to kids because it is.
That being said, you are free to voice your concern, disapproval, make ground rules for living with you, tell her you don't like the fact that she is drinking. You don't have to provide her with alcohol or make it easy for her to live a drinking lifestyle. She can then make her own decisions about whether or not she will continue to live with you and abide by your rules, etc. If you make your concerns known, then whatever happens now, she will thank you for caring later.

If she is allowd to do these things while in your house there is a good chance your others will be doing it too. let her know that she is 18 not 21 and still living at home tell her she needs to grow up but don't use those words. I don't care what's "wrong" with her. you don't disrespect your parents that way. she needs to get a job and move out on her own if she wants to do those things because if she has alcohol poisoning in your house the police will question you while you behind bars for allowing this minor to be drunk in your home. She needs to understand that what she does effects the whole family while she is living there and if she can't chamnge then she needs to grow up and leave the nest. I was on my own at 17 because I had a boyfriend my mom did'nt like and I turned out ok. I'm responsible and I pay my bills on time. I have 2 kids with a differant man and he's not around but sometimes kids are needed for the growing up to begin. I'm not saying I wish that upon her but I am saying 18 she is an adult. you can't tell her what to do because she'll be defient with her age. But you can give her an ultimatum. either straten up and pay rent and be a good role modle for the other children OR Get out and do her own thing.
I hope I've given you a little bit of light on this.