Need Advice and Thoughts

It's hard for everyone to be everyplace at once. Could you join them? Could you have Christmas on a different day? We're heading out of town to be with my husband's family for the holidays, so we are doing Christmas with my family locally the week before.

Dear M. time is too short.
We all are not promise tomarrow.
Let us enjoy Today and everyone around us.
I too lost my Father around Christmas and lost a brother this year.
If you all can have one moment together somewere.
Make it a special moment and love each other without division what is right or wrong.
It is not the time for that.
It is the time for love and understanding what can be possible to do.

Have a good day Today

Vicki W.

M.,
I agree, don't get caught up in the actual date. Let them go be other places and schedule a day that works for your entire family to spend in with just you....maybe the week before or the week after. It will take the stress off them as well. I do it all the time with my family...not anymore because I live 5 hrs away but when we were close to home we used every available day because my mom and dad are divorced and can't get along....so xmas and thanksgiving have been 3 day events for my family.

On the other hand....if your family can not agree to these arrangements book a cruise and you and your husband go spend quality time with each other and when they are ready they will let you know.

Jen

We live in the same town as my parents and my in-laws so we have a hectic Christmas. Christmas Eve we spend with my in-laws- dinner and open presents with them. Then We come home and I leave the kids (4yrs and 1 yr) with hubby and go to church with my mom and dad. We have Christmas morning at home with just our family. Then around lunch we go to my parents and do Christmas with them and th extended part of that family. Usually a day or 2 after Christmas we get together with my dad's extened family that lives in the area too. If we have out of town relatives visiting for Christmas they just get incorporated into our normal routine. I don't alter it or cut out any portion of the family just because people are visiting. I think its important to spend the holidays with everyone you care about. If you feel hurt you should tell your children. That said though, remember that Christmas is a whole season and doesn't have to all happen in 2 days. As a kid I loved that our Christmas stretched over 3-4 days. I understand that This time is hard for you, but you do still have your husband with you. It took my parents a while to adjust to not having us with them on Christmas morning but now they enjoy getting to sleep in and relaxing in the morning. It's one of the few times a year my dad and mom can just enjoy each other. You and your husband just need to find new ways to celebrate alone together. My husband's grandparents found themselves going to be alone for Thanksgiving one year and decided to take a cruise rather than stay at home. Do tell you kids how you feel and see if they can make time for you, even if its just letting you come by to see what Santa brought the grandkids. (My sister's in-laws do this. They come by just before lunch on Christmas to see what the kids got from santa. That way they get to see them on Christmas but don't really upset the day.)Be willing to postpone your Christmas a day or two and celebrate when your children have more time. It will still be just as happy and meaningful as if it was Christmas day.
Or let the other grandmas have this year and make it clear that next year is your turn.

First of all let me say how sorry I am for your loss.

Let me just tell you from my personal experience and things that have changed since I have gotten older to make it better. I had 1 older sister and 1 younger brother that live with us because my parents divorced, my dad remarried and of course I have 1 even younger brother with a different mom. Some people say it is my half brother but I say it is my brother. We had to spend Christmas Eve morning running to my great grandparents on my moms side. After spending about 3 hours there we would go to my dads. He would then take us to his moms...my grandmas. Eve would end by heading home to our house again. Christmas day we would have just enough time to open all these great gifts and have to leave to go to my other grandmas on my moms side. We never got time to check anything out. Then again on christmas we would go to our dads house for a while. Lots of hustle and bustle of getting here and there. I hated it when I got old enough to understand that Christmas should not be a rush.

My sister got married and her mother-in-law was very understanding that they have their own families. She had an excellant idea. She invites her kids and grandkids over for "Christmas" the week before Christmas. That way all the grandkids dont have to run here and their. They exchange gifts and everyone helps with supper. Great idea it is.

Of course my mom is still stuck on the thought that at Christmas she wants everyone at her house...actually Eve also. I am lucky enough to live out of state and not always do I make it into town. My sister on the other hand has no kids but still would like to enjoy at least dinner at her own house. When my family and I make it there we stay with her and make it a point to at least have super at her house with her and her husband. All is invited to her house so nobody can say they weren't. I visit my dad on Christmas Eve for as many as hours that the kids want and go back to my sis's house. On Christmas day we have a good breakfast and then go to my moms. We have supper at her house. All my granparents and great grandparents are now gone or Im sure it would be more running.

Think about having Christmas early. Maybe a sleepover with the kids and make cookies. Open presents in the evening or morning and make a great dinner. Does it really matter that much to you if it is the calander day of Christmas? You would get to spend uninterrupted time with the kids and be celebrating Christmas. They will remember it in a better light I am sure. I know the special times I had with my grandparents spending the night when I wanted to are the ones I remember the most.

Its so difficult to share your children and grandchildren, I understand that. I would suggest an alternate "Christmas Eve and Christmas morning" get together. Sometimes we get so caught up in the date, we forget its the sharing and caring that counts. I'm sure its very h*** o* your daughters to make this choice just as its h*** o* you to have to face it. You said yourself you went through this when your children were growing up. Go have a good cry, plan something fun for yourself on Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day and accept that life is always changing and this is just another one of those changes that hurt at first but cause you to grow.

Dear M.! I am truly sorry for the losses that you have had during the past holidays. I know they must be hard for you. May God give you the peace that you need to get through this Christmas season.

I just wanted to say that I feel for you abut I also want you to know that you should be commended for staying out of it. Let your children's families make those decisions. If you put pressure on them too, then it just makes for a horrible holiday for them. I have learned through the years that my family does NOT go anywhere on Christmas Day. I have 3 kids and I didn't want them pulled in every direction. The best and only advice my dad ever gave me was that. Don't go anywhere. He remembered getting up on Christmas morning and my brother and I opening our presents and then being dragged away from them to go one grandmother's house and then being dragged from there to go to another grandmother's house and he said by the end of the night, me and my brother were very upset and he and my mother fought the whole day and times and when to leave and how long they stayed and each parents' house, etc. and when they laid their heads down at night it wasn't thankfulness that they experienced, but madness! So, for me and my family, we stay home and let everyone come to me for Christmas. I plan a meal and if it is just my family of 5 so be it. If it is more, great! My husband and I enjoy the day and enjoy watching our kids play with their toys and not get upset about having to dress up and go see Granny!

Maybe if your families live close you can suggest something like that and help your daughters to prepare a meal for the families. Just a thought. My inlaws have never put any pressure on us to be anywhere on that day because we started this when my oldest was 3 months old and have not waivered.

Good luck and God Bless you during this Christmas Season.

I think that it is great that your willing to share your family with the other half (in-laws). I have 3 sons, 21,17 and 14. Even though I have not encountered this yet I plan to have a holiday celebration with them and thier families just on another day. Could your family do a gathering the week before or the week after? We have recently relocated to TN from MO. Going home for the holidays is not just a leisurly drive, it's 8.5 hours. This year we will be able to travel for a long weekend but in the future I expect that we will have Christmas along with Thanksgiving or vice-versa. When my sons marry I am sure that it will be even more hectic especially if they marry someone from TN or even another state. Remember that what is special is the time that you spend together not just that it happens on a given date. Another option is to possibly attend a church service together on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning then they could continue on with the in-laws. Good Luck and hopefully this will help.

Splitting holidays is hard and Christmas is a hard time of year. I understand wanted your family with you on Christmas day. My family is 2 1/2 hours away. We live in the same town as my husband's family, so we see them alot more.

Many years ago, my Mother-in-law decided it was too hard to have the family over on christmas day. She has christmas on another day, sometimes the day before, sometimes the day after, sometimes a couple days after. For her, that is when christmas is, when her family is with her. It's nice, because there are no hurt feelings and we can enjoy each other's company without having to worry about rushing off. My husband's whole family is usually able to be there. We try to plan around work schedules (which is hard when there are about 20 people involved).

You might want to have your own day for christmas, that way you can enjoy your children and grandchildren all day. I know it is hard but the spirit of christmas can happen on any day, not just December 25th. I hope this helps.

Hi M.,
I'm a grown daughter and thought I would give you my two cents on this.
It is tought to have to choose among all family members with whom to spend the holidays. Imagine having divorced parents on top of the in-law list! However, it is a wonderful thing that every one wants to share with them isn't?
Now, you are holding Christmas Dinner at your home this year. That is a wonderful thing! Maybe next year you can plan early and make sure your kids now that Christmas eve will be at your home next year? (Even anounce it after this years' dinner!) This should give them the hint, that you are OK with sharing them, but also, that you want your share of time :)
Keep being a nice person too, they I am sure love you as you are, but do assure them, even on a casual comment that if it was for you, you'd have then all the time for the holidays.
No extreme is good. (Take ir from me.... I get the "I make my own plans, since every one does the same" thing from my own mother. Hence, its hard to plan to see her on any given date....this year, it'll only be me and my inmediate family (husband and two girls) because we are all spread out in the states and internationally.
Sorry this went too long, but do enjoy your moments, they are all precious even if short!
Best of luck!
M.

A lot of families try to spend Thanksgiving with one set of parents/inlaws, and Christmas with the other, then swap the next year.

Also, to take your mind off your disappointment and your losses at Christmas time in the past, you might find some volunteer experiences, such as an elderly person or couple you could "adopt", or some military persons who can't go home for the holidays, or a single parent family in your area... You might ask your clergy person at church for suggestions on someone who could use some extra holiday cheer, or call a local nursing home. Such service would bless your life and the recipients.

I had this same problem. After I started having kids of my own I got pulled in so many directions with MIL Step MIL and even others. I talked to everyone and now we have days very close to the holiday itself to spend with each one. That way I also can have my family to myself to enjoy without the guilt. this way we could stay at one place all day instead of watching the clock and spending half our time on the road driving from house to house. My MIL the Sat before Christmas, My mom Christmas Eve, StepMIL the Sat after Christmas. Hope this helps.

I agree that this is a very hard thing to handle. I live in TN where most of husband's family is located and my whole family is in NC. We decided before we got married that we would alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. We both come from families with 5 kids so the holidays are a huge event at both houses. It was very hard for me the first Christmas I was away from my family, but now that we have kids, it is easier although I'd rather be with my own family every year! :o) It's worked out with my in-laws because one b-i-l and one s-i-l have decided to stay at their own houses every year for Christmas so we have a get together with the whole family the weekend before or after Christmas. So just because you can't see them on Christmas day doesn't mean you can't have another celebration with your family. And the kids love getting to have more than one Christmas! Remember that it's hard for them to be away from you on the holidays just as much as it is for you to be away from them. But I would suggest that they try to alternate holidays with both families so that everyone gets to enjoy their time together.

.

I feel like I can relate to your daughters in this situation. We have 3 small boys and used to have to split the holidays between three grandparents homes on every major holiday. It was pure torture for us and made us (my husband and I) completely resent the grandparents as they pulled us here and there and shouted "unfair!" if we spent more time at one house vs. the other. No one stopped to consider that it was Sooo hard for us to be travelling and we really just wanted to do NOTHING except stay at home. We have recently taken our own stand and declared exactly that and the consequence was that one set didn't talk to us for 8 months!! Believe you me, if you daughters (as you say) expressed their appreciation that you don't expect them to see you on that particular occasion than it is probably so true. I would have kissed and loved the set of grandparents who gave us a holiday off above all others!!! It's the holidays and so hard for everyone to share. You are being very generous - but trust me!! They APPRECIATE IT!!!!! You're not being stepped on, you're being wonderfully empathetic and I only wish that our grandparents were more like you!!!

M.- I could be one of the 'daughters' in your story and I am sure they are under an extreme amount of pressure, even if it is all just internal. My husband and I always have to travel 'home' for the holidays, while our siblings are always there, so no matter which family we go to, we are left out of a family gathering. My dad has passed, so my mom's alone, and until recently, my father-in-law was alone as well, so that added pressure to be two places at once. I suppose my point is that i don't see how exerting your feelings will do anything but add guilt to your daughters.

Truthfully, now that I have children of my own, I want to start my OWN family traditions!! I want the kids to open presents at their own home, like I did, and not tote stuff to grandparents. I want to be an adult and cook my own dang turkey!! Sounds silly, but I am in my mid-30's and have never been able to make my own Christmas or Thanksgiving meal!!

I empathize with your feelings, but try to see it the otherway. Make lemonade out of these lemons and start a new tradition that works for all of you. Have Christmas early and volunteer at a homeless shelter to keep your mind off of the holiday, if that helps. I've had some pretty crappy things happen in my life, but I felt a lot better when I realized that I had no control over what happens and only control over how I respond to it.

I wish you the best and hope this holiday season is a time for healing for you.

Yes, M.,

This is a tough situation whether you are the mom, the grandma, or the daughter. First and foremost, you need to be honest with yourself and your children about your feelings. It is OK to feel hurt that you aren't going to be able to spend either Christmas Eve or any part of Christmas Day with your children and their families. That said, telling the truth about how you feel isn't the same as making DEMANDS of your kids or their families to make changes. BUT once we tell people how we feel, then there hopefully, will be a channel of communication open that will allow you to find a way to spend time at the holidays with those you love also. Family dynamics aren't easy. The best we can do as moms and grands is to tell the truth and be honest about our love and desire to see them and spend time with them. They will do what they wish, but at least you have shared your feelings. Unshared feelings can lead to resentments that can color the rest of the year's interactions. Good luck, God bless you and your family.

B. B

M.,
Ask your children to share holidays(Thanksgiving,Christmas)and switch every year,also maybe they would like to do a holiday So there kids can be home for christmas in there P.J.s

Good luck,
N.

Try putting your feelings on paper (or at least on the computer) until you get them straight as you'd like to present them to your daughters. NO ONE can speak up for you, and I believe you'll be SO relieved if you DO at least say what you feel -- whether verbal or written. My husband is the type to 'never want to hurt feelings', and he absolutely DOES hurt my feelings by almost never having ANYTHING to say on any subject, no matter how important. It's like living with someone who's half-dead or, worse, as if he doesn't care.

I think everyone appreciates it (more) when they know what's going on. That way, no one gets trampled, ignored, invalidated, etc. It doesn't mean that you have to insist on having it 'your way', but it would be good to EXPRESS your true feelings.

I also agree that celebrating another day/time would be the answer. When too much is made of one holiday, it makes the rest of the year seem anti-climatic (sp), and our children are living in a 'hyped-up' world as it is. Better several small celebrations than trying to cram everything into a day or two!

Hi M.,
I hear the pain in your request and I am so sorry!! I don't know that there is a right answer to all of this. I think there are a lot of families who struggle with what to do at the holidays when there are two sets of parents to visit. And sometimes also the desire to just stay home and not visit anyone! I don't see anything wrong with sharing your feelings with your daughters, but only if it is done with the right heart. I think you should only share how you feel if it is going to make you feel better to share, but with no expectation for them to change what they are doing. I think you are doing the right thing in staying out of what decision they make - your daughters have their own families and, as much as you would love to see them, they need to decide to do what is right for them. They should not be deciding to visit the other set of parents because of guilt or pressure, but if they are, that is for them to travel down that path and figure out when they will assert themselves and make their own choice based on what is right for their own family. I think you will find that, you are appreciated for not pressuring them and they will come to you happily and willingly and the times that they visit you will be filled with joy. I would encourage you to enjoy this time with your husband and be proud of yourself for allowing your daughters to decide on their own what they want to do.
Bless you for being such a great mom! (:
Cyndi

If possible try and go to them. We even do family gatherings of both sides together b/c we never see any family. Be happy you get to see those every other weekend as ALL of our family lives over a thousand miles away.

Bottom line all the family wants to see us all the time, which is a good thing. My parents don't ever put the 'guilt trip' on us as my husbands mother does. So, where do we always WANT to go.... to my family. I think the way to go is be understanding. You (i'm sure) have told them you want to see them, so just know that they know that and do your best. It has taken me a few years but I am sick of his family always demanding our time and am not giving in anymore. It isn't as easy to travel with kids and costs these days, so I'm going to go where we have a good time. So be patient I'm sure one day they will spend most time with you.
Remember if Jesus's mother watched him die being nailed to a cross, we can handle this! :)
Amanda

Oh, and P.S. maybe during some alone time go and do something that the decieced really enjoyed as a spirit filled rememberance of them.

Hi M.,

I know that it saddens you but, if it makes you feel any better, We live STATES away from both my and my husband's family. For most years now, it has been just our family (myself, my husband, our two boy's) I adjusted to that and now like it. This year however, my husband needs to work the 23rd, 24th and Christmas day,so, our Christmas will be Dec 22nd. I am sooo glad that my boys are teens now because we do not have the Santa thing to worry over, and they have said that they are ok with it.
Myself and my boys will of course have a nice meal and all on Christmas day but the big HOORAH will be on the 22nd.
I send you a virtual HUG!

B.

Wow, that is a tough one. I would probably let your children know how you feel. If you don't then they will never know how you feel about this and do it again next Christmas. After I married and had kids we would split it up between in-laws. We would have Christmas dinner with my family Christmas day and Christmas dinner with his family Christmas eve. We would open gifts with his family Christmas morning after spending a quick gift opening at home with our kids. Then at Christmas dinner we would open with my parents.
Things will be different for me too this year. I lost my Dad in August, first Christmas without him. I am remarried now too and my kids are teenagers. We plan to invite my mother over to my husbands parents house for Christmas dinner. I might even have mom stay with me Christmas eve.
Good luck. I hope it all works out.

A. B

I wouldn't make this a big issue for this year since it's so close to the holidays, but I would tell them you would like them to plan to spend the holidays with you next year. It's fair for both sides. They spend this year with in-laws, and next year with you. After all, you do have feelings, and they need to understand that while you are a nice person, it's not bad to tell them your needs, because everyone has needs, and being with family during the holidays is important to everyone, not just you. If you're lonely this year, find a children's home, hospital, or nursing home, to spend the holiday. There are many lonesome souls in these places, and they need love, too. If you don't want to do that, take a mini vacation! Best wishes to you!

M.,
I have 5 brothers and sisters and my husband has 4 brothers. We call our immediate family the outlaws and our in-laws families the in-laws. This has worked in our family for the last 20 years:

Thanksgiving:
Thanksgiving we all go to the in-laws. All the outlaws (everyone in my family) spends Thanksgiving at their in-laws. Some of the in-laws even exchange Christmas gifts on Thanksgiving. My mom and dad spend Thanksgiving with their friends or they travel and visit one of mom's sisters or my dad's siblings. In my husband's family (the in-laws) everyone comes home to his parents house for Thanksgiving.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas:
The outlaws rent a huge chalet in Gatlinburg and the women go Christmas shopping and the men take the older kids skiing in the mountains. Grandpa stays at the chalet and reads books to all the little kids and then grandpa and the little ones take an afternoon nap. We do not ever invite any of the in-laws.

Christmas Eve:
Christmas Eve we all spend at our own churches. The outlaws that still go to mom and dad's church get together at my house for a soup supper. (Just my brother and I still go to mom and dad's church.) Everyone brings a pot of soup and sandwich fixings. I live the closest to mom and dad's church and we eat dinner and go to church.

Christmas Morning:
Christmas morning we all spend with our own children at our own homes. Mom and dad spend Christmas morning at a sunrise service and breakfast with their neighbors. One of their neighbors is a retired pastor. The breakfast rotates which neighbor's house it is at. The service is usually on mom and dad's farm on the top of the tallest hilltop.

Christmas Dinner:
The outlaws (my immediate family, spouses, and children) spend Christmas day at my brother's house. He has the biggest house and he and mom and dad live on ajoining farms. He invites all of the outlaws and in-laws to his house and we have a huge family gathering including all the in-laws who live within a 120 mile radius of the farm. My in-laws have only made it one year in the last 20 years because they live 750 miles away. Everyone brings food. Mom cooks the turkey and dressing. My sister's husband fries a turkey. My sister-in-law gets a honey baked ham. We have a huge feast. The kids are ages 2-21. The kids have a ping pong tournament and a Play Station tournament. The adults eat, visit, and play cards and board games.

Christmas Supper:
The outlaws all go to their in-laws house for supper if the in-laws live close and did not make it to the Outlaw Christmas. My hubby, children and I and my sister's family always eat leftovers at grandma and grandpa's house because the in-laws live too far away.

My suggestion to you is this. Get a routine. It saves everyone from having hurt feelings. If they are insisting on going to the in-laws for Christmas then have a big Outlaw Thanksgiving and exchange family presents at Thanksgiving. Then at Christmas either hint for an invitation to an in-law Christmas dinner or take a vacation and visit someone you have not seen in years or rent a chalet in the mountains and enjoy your own Christmas alone with your hubby. Whatever you do, do not let your children know that this has hurt your feelings. They are being put in the middle enough with this whole situation--they feel torn between both of their families that they love dearly. You do not want to ever make them choose between the in-laws and the outlaws. That will make them resent you.
S.

You've gotten great advice with many suggestions you can try. New traditions take time to turn into "traditions", but the good part is that you can "tweak" them into something that works for everyone. (Ideally, anyways.)

Would you feel better if you told your daughters about the hurt you feel? While it's wonderful that you're considerate of other's needs, you certainly have the right to state your feelings. If you can have a conversation about your conflicting feelings, you may find that everyone is relieved by the ensuing discussion and any problem solving that is done.

In my own experience, I find that many people are uncomfortable with acknowledging grief during holidays. Because of that, you may feel as if your feelings are getting ignored, increasing your sense of loss. Vicious circle - the loss you feel at not spending enough time with your children can exasperate the grief you feel about your father and brother and vice versa. I may be off-base here, but if the idea appeals to you, you might consider creating a small tradition of remembrance of your father and brother during the times you find yourself without your children around. Do it for yourself (or for yourself and your husband if you prefer), and while you're at it, add in some pampering for yourself. You may find in the future that you actually look forward to your own private "tradition". (If my weird idea appeals, I can share with you some of what I do to start you brainstorming.)

If you get to feeling down too much, do remember that you are loved by a big, busy family, and take pride in the part you've had to play in that.

Peace and blessings.

Bless you sweet lady. You are easing the stress of the season for your girls and giving them the support and space they need to make it through these days. You will get yours when all the fuss dies down. Think about the rest of the year when the pressure is off and you can invite them to visit. Time in the summer maybe, when your girls need time alone with their husbands and you get the grandbabies all to yourself. When their are no expectations and every momments is sweet and easy. Let the mother in laws be demanding and pushy, and you will be the one they will always need.

I think you'll find alot of people here with this type of problem. It's so hard to be in two places at one time and make everyone happy during the holidays. I see two choices here... you can set new traditions that are acceptable to both sides, or you can alternate years. I definitely support standing up for yourself, because most mil's that I know will fight for what they can get on this topic and the less squeaky wheel will not get greased. You do however have to be willing to compromise, because if you don't it just chases everyone off (the opposite of what you want). Sit down with both daughters and ask about these two options and what would make all of you the happiest (you don't need the mil's there, this is between you and your daughters). If you alternate years, you get the bulk of it every other year. It does make it hard for the in-between years, they do feel kind of empty (we have this with my nephew due to a divorce in the family). But at least every other year you have the plans in your court. The other alternative is still a big compromise... you plan out your 'traditions' and how it will be every year. Split down the middle (make sure it's FAIR, not like this year it seems). Still hard, but not "all or nothing" like alternating years. One important thing here on each is that you know what to expect each year and do not end up disappointed as you have this year. If you plan this out with your daughters and seem willing to compromise, you are communicating (insisting as well) but are not being pushy and emotional. They will love you for that. (In my family, my inlaws live out of state, so we celebrate Christmas whenever their trip is planned to NC, the celebration does not have to be on the actual day to be special, it's what you make it). Good luck, you are not alone by any means.

Hi M.
Your post brought a little tear to my eye, and I don't even have grandkids. Do your daughters really not realize how much this hurts you? I think mildly mentioning to them that you would like more time with them is not asking too much. There always seems to be the excuse is that it's easier. It's sad that both MIL's aren't considering that there children have other family. When we go home to visit, we try to consider both families and consider quality but close to equal amounts of time. Honestly, I know how hard it is to take kids to multiple families during the holidays, but your daughters should also consider everyone's feelings. I do think you should say something because it is obviously making you upset. Let me know how things go. Good luck!
P.

I believe that if your feelings are hurt that you need to let both your daughters know. It doesn't help anyone for you to suffer in silence and pretend everything is alright. Before letting your daughters know, decide what you think is fair and be willing to compromise. When you do let them know, if it must be over the phone schedule a time where they can be receptive, maybe a conference call for the three of you and just explain your position. Do not accuse or compare your time with the grandchildren to the in laws time. This is about your feelings and you are important enough to make it about you and what they are teaching your grandchildren is acceptable. Do not expect the situation to get any better unless you are willing to express your needs and feelings for the Holidays. Do not expect an answer right away and give them time to ask questions and think about what you have said. Hope this helps, A.Burnette, Hillsborough, NC

Hi M.,
I do have this problem, but from the other "child" side. It has been very difficult for my mother to handle the fact that I have my own family and need to make some adjustments to how we have done Christmas in the past. My two older brothers are not married or have kids, so I think my mom has been a little spoiled when it comes to getting her way around the holidays (we used to always spend both Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with her). When I told her we weren't coming over Christmas morning this past year, she blew a gasket- pouted and wouldn't talk to me for days. It is such a miserable experience because we are pulled in a 100 different directions (my husband and I both have step families to contend with as well). It has gotten to the point where I hate the holidays. It shouldn't be that way...
Point being, don't let it get to that point with you and your children. Pick a time and claim it (maybe Christmas Eve lunch?)
and then let all of them know in plenty of time so that they can coordinate their schedules. Tell them that you understand how busy it is, but you love them and want to spend the holidays with them, too. They will just have to learn to work it out with the other family- it's all about compromise.
BTW- my mom has finally come around this year and has done just like I said above. I hope this year will be a more enjoyable Christmas for all of us. :)

I am not sure how the relationships are, but you sound just like my own mother. I think that you should calmly sit your children down and let them know how you are feeling and maybe even propose suggestions for the holidays in which you would get more of what you want. You shluld definately take a stand, but is a calm way. Remember you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. Good luck!

You could tell them that you are putting in your request now for next year. That they spend the holiday with your family next year just as they have this year with the other family. This way you express that you want equal time and are being considerate of them to plan well ahead so they can figure out how to work it out with the other family involved. Any chance they would invite you to join them or would you want to?

Hi M., I am a grma too, and I feel for you. This is your daughters choice, I would not make a fuss. Instead, I would plan a trip. either by yourself or with someone. Think of something you have never done, and do it! Get on a Christmas tour of Italy or Germany or England. You could do bed and breakfasts. How about Ireland and staying in a village? On the American side, there's New England, New York City is spectacular- take in a play, do radio City etc. Email me to talk, I welcome your thoughts. And yes, been there, and did something about it.

I know this is hard for you, but it is also very hard for your children. They have children of their own to shuttle around and have the task of disappointing everyone who wants them for an entire day, the day of the event. Whoever doesn't get exactly what they want, ends up crying and making me feel horrible. Everyone wants their kids/grandkids with them on the holidays, but it isn't logistically possible for them to be every where at once.
Three suggestions:
1-Alternate holidays (in-laws Thanksgiving, you Christmas)
2-Everyone get together
3-Have your event a different date and start your own tradition.

If you know you will be seeing for Christmas but not Thanksgiving, that should be the focus and spend time with them for Veteran's Day instead.

I feel like I diappoint my family no matter what I do. My parents are divorced and don't speak to each other and then we also have my husband's family and they are all in different states. I just do what I can, but I'm not dragging my daughter every where for all of the holidays. I'd rather spend time together another day.

If you want things to change, you have to change things. Restated, don't suffer in silence, or get used to suffering.

You could nicely ask if you could go along, explaining that you don't want to be alone this year. See what happens. You might enjoy yourself, and let somebody else worry about the housecleaning!

I have to agree with some of the posters. I have come to dislike the holidays, because of having to travel to so many places to make everyone happy. I have been wanting to have my own traditions in my own home and not make my kids have to travel the whole time.

Consider having a "Christmas" gathering on another day. After Christmas and before New Year's is a good time. At that time everyone is going through the holiday let-down days anyway. Wouldn't it be nice to have something special to do during that time.

Have a big New Year's to-do. I am pretty sure your daughters know what you are giving up and your disappointment, but you can tell them that you feel this way and would like to have a family gathering on another day. They will appreciate it, more than you can know.

M.,
i don't know what to tell you. as a daughter with a mother and 2 mother-in-laws, i understand their point of view with needing to please everyone-- it helps when one "gives" and so we don't have to struggle. one thing for us that we've always made sure of-- our daughter spends christmas night/ morning in our home, and we've said whoever wants to come over can. we have our traditions of where we are when, and sadly, the one that lives the furthest away doesn't get us until the day after or so. we always do christmas eve dinner with my parents, and then home; they come over in the morning after we open our presents and have "santa", eat breakfast, and then go back home. after a nap, we do christmas with my m-i-l and that side of the family, although they know they can come for breakfast, as well. it just so happens that christmas night was my husband's family's time to get together normally anyway, while we always did a big christmas eve breakfast. do your daughters and their in-laws live near you? if they do, it may be easier to work out something more like what we do. if you talk each of your girls (and do it quickly, you know the one will call the other!) and explain that how they feel about their children is how you feel about them, and that it makes you sad to be away from them on christmas, maybe you all can come up with a compromise. i appreciate, and i'm sure they do, your willingness to give up some time, but i know it's hard to give up all the time around christmas. at the same time, you don't want to be run over and taken advantage of and miss out. i don't know that i've given you much advice here, i just wanted to let you know someone's thinking about you! try for a compromise and good luck! let us know what happens!
J.

Hi M.. Now that we have our first child, we're starting to spend ALL of our Christmases with my inlaws in Ohio rather than with my family here in NC. We see my parents so often and Mom works in a couple churches, so her time is limited during the holidays. So my parents are understanding, and that does make it easier. But your situation sounds different, especially since you lost a couple very close family members so close to Christmas. I would suggest that you try to let this year go as your daughters have already started to make plans. But after the holidays pass, maybe you could let them know that this is a hard time of year for you, a time when you could especially use the support of your family while you deal with sad memories. You could ask your daughters to have a talk with their husbands & inlaws about planning to spend more time with you next year, and hopefully every other year after that. It would be great if both of your daughter's families could get together with you on the same odd years (2009, 2011, etc) so they can see each other, their children can see their cousins, etc. I hope that everyone will be more willing to negotiate so that everyone gets time together. :-) Best of luck!

I am the daughter of a mother that sounds a lot like you. She tried very hard to make things easy on me, and I did not see how hard it was on her for years. My M-I-L is one of those people that can't see past herself and she doesn't even think of how here actions affect others. So please keep in mind my point of view as you read(daughter instead of mother).

I have a few thoughts on this. First your daughters may not realize how hurt you are. You were kind enough to say that it was ok with you, so they are just running with it. You may want to speak to them, and just let them know that while you know you said you didn't mind, this year is hard for you. Let them know that you do not expect them to change their plans, but you felt that they needed to know how you felt.

Next, I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your daughters' inlaws, but is it possible to gey everybody together? This only sort of worked for me, my M-I-L, would show up late, leave early, then plan another dinner for the next day. It was frustrating for me, because my husband would just do the "oh, that's just my mom". I wonder if your daughters are not hearing the same thing, and thanking God that they do not have "that kind of mother".

The bad thing is, that this really isn't something that you can fix. This is something that your daughters and thier husbands have to decide. All you can do is let them know that you are hurt, and would like things to be different. As long as you do it in a way that they know you are not attacking them and that no matter what you obviously still love them I think they will try to make it better.

Good luck. I hope that your girls have the type of husbands that are willing to stand up to their mothers.

Remember that God loves you and your daughters love you.

I would say to let your daughter's know that you will be sad not to see them or your grandchildren and that you hope they try to figure out a way to see you either on Christmas or on Christmas Eve. Maybe they can come to you on Christmas Eve and then stay until 7p or 8p and head to the MIL's house. Or, spend the day after Christmas with you. The day can be what you make of it. You can play Christmas music and have the tree lit and have Christmas dinner, etc Make it your new special day. Tell them you understand that they are in a bind with having two families to visit and see on holidays but you would like them to at least know that you will really miss them. If you let them think you are ok with this, each year will be the same or even worse. You can say it nicely without pressuring them. Our familes have pressured us and my husband finally put his foot down and said that Christmas is about the kids and family, not about the grandma's. So, we spend Christmas Eve with my MIL and leave as late as 11p. We come home and spend the morning at our own home and my mom comes over in the afternoon for dinner. In two days it is split between three homes. Everyone sees the kids and everyone gets their own time. We have two Christmas dinners so both moms get to cook.

Good luck, don't be sad, just try to make a way to make it work for everyone.

W.

This is just my opinion and feelings on the subject. I thinks it's inconsiderate and selfish of family members to squabble about where to go and to leave other family excluded. Why can't both sides of the family participate on at least one of the days??
We're in the same deal, but because of location and schedules we rotate so that nobody feels badly, and when/if I'm in charge of the event, I usually just invite everybody. Whether they come or not is up to them.
Maybe you could consider trying that the next holiday and see how it works. Invite the mate's in-laws and all enjoy the time together. If that flies, when it's appropriate, make the suggestion that "we should all do this more often", you just never know -- they might actually like that idea and be relieved to be delivered from the stress caused by all the pressure of who's going where and with whom.

Best of luck to you,
D. in NC

Okay, take a deep breath and let me tell you why I love what my mom lets her kids do guilt free (and I brag about her doing this to all my friends). I come from a big family (10 of us kids), and as a family we celebrate Christmas on a weekend before or after the 25th. That way, we all get together, no one has to rush off, and we can relax. Invite both of your girls and their families to your house for a family Christmas on a weekend that works for everyone. Luckily, my f-i-l lives down the road and comes to us on the 25th, and so my kids get to stay home and never even have to get out of their PJs. As my mom says, she hates the thought of her grandkids traveling on Christmas day. We also celebrate with my husband's brother and his family on a weekend in December, too. So we get 3 celebrations, and much less stress. ( : Be the hero. On the actual day, do something very special for yourself and let the glow of "best mom/grandma of the season" shine!

M.,
I feel your pain. I have 2 married children and a married step daughter with 7 grandkids ages 2 to 17. Christmas used to be a problem for us too, then we decided to split it up. We always plan a BIG "everybody" get together one whole day either on the weekend before or after Christmas. Then we have "our" Christmas at my home on Christmas Eve morning for a big breakfast and gift swapping. I feel the grand babies need to be at their home on Christmas morning and not at either Nana's.
This has been working well for us for 15 years now and everyone seems to enjoy not being rushed. They go to their other Nana's for Christmas Eve supper.
My kids all live 1 and 3 hrs. from us.