My Eight Year Old Wants to Be the Mom.

Hi J.,

Personally, I'd pull rank and tell her to knock it off. If she doesn't stop right away, I'd punish her for disobedience. Find a consequence that will cause her to stop and remember the next time she feels like "mothering" her brother. Remember the pain of the punishment must be greater than the pleasure of the offense. It's not that what she is doing is so terribly wrong, but if what she is doing is bothering someone else, she needs to stop. Period. Otherwise, letting her continue is just teaching her it's okay to be a pest. I have a 4 y/o old who loves to be "mom" to both her older brother (13) and her younger one (2). It is unacceptable behavior in our house, and she gets called on it every time. It probably sounds a little harsh, but we are called to raise our children, not simply let them grow up...you're the mom, you make the rules...

I would try to understand why his behavior is so important to her. Are there issues with your son forgetting things? Does that result in family conflict? Is there reason for her to be worried? Or is she an especially responsible or organized child who becomes anxious with things out of place? Either way, if she knows that you can understand and appreciate her feelings, then you can gently remind her that her strategy for solving this problem doesn't seem to be working so well (if he becomes angry, then he can't solve the problem himself). Try to see the good in her worry, and then you can help her express herself more appropriately. It also might be helpful to remind your son that he is the big brother, and can help his little sister by talking to her in a nice way, or perhaps try a humorous approach.

Hi Janette,

None of your readers can see this situation for ourselves. That being said, I have one additional suggestion based on what I have seen in my own 8 year old. Sometimes she will talk to my husband (her brother is still only 2) like I do! Our kids really do model us, especially our same sex kids. So far I have simply reminded her that it's not okay or respectful to correct her dad, and not appropriate for her age and relationship to him. I also try to check my own bossy tendencies. I like what your first respondent suggested about also checking in with her and see if she has some idea of why she speaks to her brother as she does. Starting out with punishment seems rather harsh, as she certainly may not be aware of what she's doing and need you to work with her on this for a while.

Good luck!

Barbara

Sometimes we really get hung up on what is a punishable offense. I personally don't believe in punishing an innocent reaction, only willful defiance. Still kids do need help to learn AND unlearn behavior. Having a reasoning kind of talk with her and explain the reasons why this may not be a good idea and tell her you are committed to helping her break the habit. Tell your son, out of the heat of the moment and away from your daughter, that this is just her way of caring and preparing those she loves, and he should really lighten up and think of the good in it. If it came from anyone but his little sister he probably wouldn't freak, so he should work on his attitude toward her and let it go. Work on both kids separately so they cannot get involved with the others intervention. I think it was Dr.Phil that helped me see that the heat of the moment never works a solution, but soft words can turn away the anger.

I feel your pain, I have a niece just like that. HA, HA! Hang in there, just wait till she hits her teen years, then were in trouble!

Love,
N.

Family dynamics are always interesting, aren't they. And some kids are hard wired so different from ourselves or their siblings it can cause frustrations to all.

If the family is rushing in the morning, she feels she's being helpful. Or maybe she's looking for attention, any attention is better than none?

Is it possible you could put her in charge of the pets, giving her responsibility that would occupy her in the morning and praising her for a job well done to give her attention? Just a thought.