My Child Offended Someone and I'm Not Sure How to Handle It!

Some children have a tendancy to repeat themselves. I have a son who brings things up all the time. It is frustrating. An easy way to explain to a child that someone is gone, is to tell her, babies aren't forgotten, its something people don't like to talk about. Tell her there will be more babies later on. Tell her dying is apart of life, like the fish. Children don't understand why things happen, it just does.

Of course you are not over protective - ALWAYS protect your child from such reactive people. Thier grief is no excuse to treat alittle child like that - that's ridiulous - keep her away and do not leave her alone with people like that ever.

Oh, C.! You poor thing, how awkward.

Look, you did right. I have had both a miscarriage AND a five year old, and I like to think i see both sides of this clearly. Your young neighbor should NOT have made her early pregnancy public if she was going to be upset by incidents such as you describe. You did everything right. Your neighbors, like many young humans of today, have not yet learned an important fact of life -- that we do not get to control what other people think or say. It's not her perogative to decide on behalf of anyone else, 5 or 50, when to think about something she put out there, and when not to. it's out there, and she has to deal with that.

Children are actually a whole lot more chill with life and death stuff than adults are. In this case, your daughter isn't the one acting like a child. I'd be every bit as annoyed as you in this situation, but let it go. Poetic justice works slowly but it works. Someday your doofus neighbor will be a mother with a little child whom SHE has to defend from another adult's self-centeredness. TYhen, she will rememebr this incident (trust me, she will) and though you will not be there to be apologized to, she will wish she could take it back.

wow, i hate to sound insensitive but i think they set themselves up for this - telling people you are pregnant at eight weeks ... well.. most M/C happen in the first trimester and from what my mother told me "in the old days" you didn't even begin to tell people you were expecting until the 2nd trimester. Plus, they are not being understanding of the fact that your daughter IS innocent in all of this. They have got to realize kids ask questions like this all the time. Hopefully one day they will be blessed with a baby and understand this first hand. That's a tough position you are in and even though I think you are 100% right it is probably best to handle it the way you did - let me them be upset and just tell your daughter again that sometimes really sad and painful things are hard for adults to talk about and they don't like to be reminded of it because it makes them sad all over again. Sounds like they are otherwise good neighbors and no need to get into a spat over this.
Good luck to you...

Hello C., I am a mother of 1 daughter who is 4 1/2. Recently my mother had to put her dog (that had cancer & was old) to sleep, she was devastated. We told our daughter that her grandmas dog was old and sick and had gone to heaven. My mother came to stay with us for a few days just to get out of her house, my daughter innocently asked why he was dead, etc. (my mom has 7 other grandchildren, my daughter being the youngest one) I cringed expecting my mom to start crying again but my mom told me "it's alright, she's just trying to understand". You are right, children this young don't understand, they are so smart but something like death they just can't comprehend. They don't understand the adult feelings that go along with death, especially with your neighbors unborn baby. I tried explaining it to my daughter in a way that would make sense to her, like when she lost a stuffed animal that had been a favorite, how sad she was knowing it was gone forever. Your neighbors need to lighten up and realize that chilren are not being "rude" or offensive, they simply don't understand grown up feelings and they are trying to figure it all out. Maybe in the future they can keep the pregnancy to themselves until they are past the early stages. If they can't understand then good luck to them when they have a child of their own.

This is not an easy situation for all involved. I lost my son when he was two do to his babysitters' neglect to her duties. He drowned. I was 27 and not only have/had at times felt children said some inappropriate things to me but also adults concerning my loss and his death. What saved me was I am educated in child development and I had already had three children before his death. So experience and education gave me the grace to accept what children will say at times. After all they are children not adults. Now adults it took a little bit more patience and understanding why such strange and sometimes cruel things were said to me but what I have learned is when someone loses someone especially a child or a pregnancy no one really knows what to say and well some people are just insensitive bores. But a child that is a whole different thing.

Not withstanding your neighbors ages and loss they may have no idea what to expect from children. They have had no children yet of their own. Plus grief is such a profound and aggressive intruder in our lives. It can be like orbiting around a black hole in space. . . or losing an arm...especially if it is an offspring.

Of course your daughter should not be held culpable for what she said. My daughters were three and eight when their brother died and were present. My own children said some very very painful things to me about their own brothers death...they still do sometimes. Everyones grief is different and everyone deals with it differently. There is no blue print on how to approach someone with a profound loss in their life. So how possibly could a child know. Professionals struggle with it so NO way should they hold your child accountable for being "inappropriate." But emotions are high and solutions are extremely limited.

My son drowned in 1987 and sometimes I still respond emotionally to folks statements about it like it just happened yesterday. but mostly now with adults I say it is a subject that isn't always easy for me to discuss yet and with children I say "You know I loved my son so so much and I miss him so much that sometimes I just can't talk about it" They usually respond better than adults.

Maybe you could tell your daughter that these parents just cannot talk about the loss of their baby it makes them so so sad...so let's not ask about their baby any more." Kind of make it a pack you both have together...not to talk to them about their loss but she can talk to you all she wants about it. That way she has options. Not that death is a taboo but talking about it, you have to find those that "want" to talk about it. And YOU are that person who wants to talk about it with her.

This is all just advise...mainly from personal experience and some from educational. As far as the parents...I believe you did an honorable thing by not shoving their obvious misunderstanding in their face. Take care of your daughter, take care of you and let time take care of them. My heart goes out to them and my respect to you.

A.

You're right, they were too harsh, but you can't say anything to them about it. Just go ahead and be annoyed to yourself. You don't need to say much if anything to your daughter, like you said she's only 5, and this is a one-time situation that isn't likely to be repeated. If you say anything it could be, casually, "don't say anything to Mr. So-and-So about the baby that died again. They don't like to talk about it." And don't bring it up to her again. She doesn't need to feel bad about it. It was NOTHING. And don't email or talk to them about it again. You apologized. If they're more sensitive than that then that's their problem.

Dear C.,
Your child did not offend someone, she simply asked an innocent question of a 5 year old. Obviously, the gentleman in this situation is still grieving, which is also normal, but is not comfortable with speaking about it yet. Part of healthy greiving is to acknowledge the loss and explain to others if you do or do not wish to speak about it. He could have said something more kind, especially to a 5 year old, but did not. They may also look at your lovely children as a constant reminder that they lost their first child. It was thoughtful of you to respond with an email, after he was rude and insensitive to your child--probably not on purpose, though. I don't think that your daughter needs to apologize--she did not do anything wrong. Maybe your family could send a sympathy card, with a note that mentions how difficult it is to explain things like this to small children. Hopefully, they will get it. You are not being overprotective or insensitive at all. These folks may need more time to process and move on, but that does not entitle them to direct their sadness at your daughter. Best wishes to you; I hope that things smooth out between you all. Happy Valentine's Day! --L.

Your neighbors are probably still hurting after such a traumatic event. Add to it that they don't have children of their own. They don't realize how blunt little people are. Your daughter wasn't being insensive, she was just making conversation. It would probably be best to let it go. You have appologized and talked to your daughter. Move on. Remember, Kids say the darndest things.

Your child did nothing wrong. Give your neighbors time and they will understand your child was just being a 5 year old. No, you are not insensitive or overprotective. It sounds like they don't have any other children. I have lost a child at 2 days old and when my little cousin asked me about the baby I told her she was with god. Yes, that was my first child. Just pray for your neighbor.

I think that you are right to be put off by their response! Often people let their pain get in the way of seeing what is really important, and in this case it is a relationship with a child who adores them. As tough as it might be you might want to explain to them (maybe in an email to be less awkward) that while you understand and feel for their pain from their loss, that children are very innocent, and even when told will not understand not bringing something up when it is beyond their comprehension. It is also something that is beyond your control since they have clearly chosen to become closed about the situation and instead of healing and discussing it have kept it inside and are offended when it is brought up. What a tough situation.

You were not being over protective. You are correct in that your daughter is so young and innocent. She wasn't being rude, she was just curious. Perhaps their inexperience as parents contributes to their ignorant behavior towards your child.

I think you handled it right, and don't feel "guilty" for thinking they are being harsh--they are! It could be that they are reacting that way because of some jealousy over the fact that you have three adorable children. I wouldn't let it concern me. Hopefully, in time, they will have another pregnancy. Miscarriages aren't that uncommon, and it doesn't mean they can't have another pregnancy that she will carry full term. Also, make certain that your daughter doesn't feel "guilty" either for asking them a question she was unaware would be considered inappropriate by them. If we, as adults,had all of the things to learn that your daughter has had to learn in five short years, none of us would probably remember most of them, let alone very often act appropriately. Just continue to give her lots of love.

I think you handled this extremely well. I agree that biting your tongue to tell them off was the right thing to do, even if you would be justified in doing so. They know deep in their hearts that your child is not to be held accountable for her innocent question. They are just hurting so deeply and lashing out at anything that brings back the pain. Let it go. You did the right thing.

Your daughter did nothing wrong. Someday when that couple has a child they will realize that kids that age say things that are not approprate coming from adults but normal from a child. I would be polite to the neighbors but not have any unnecessary contact with them. they seem a bit strange.
good luck
J.

Let it go they may not be right but they are hurting far more than you are. Telling them they are wrong will just add insult to injury.

Hi C.,

I think that you handled it in the best way. I think eventually they will realize that your child is really just a child and didn't intentionally offend them. But it sounds like they are deeply saddened by the loss of their baby and emotionally they are not equipped to discuss it with others. You did the right thing by apologizing. I don't think that you are being insensitive, I would probably feel that way too.

Good luck to you.

Molly

I think your response to the email was enough. Talking about it more will just keep the topic fresh and someone may say something they will regret.

I think you did everything right. I understand how your neighbors feel, but you're right that they took it to hard, like you said your daughter is only five! I would just remind your daughter not to say anything about it again (all though I'm sure you already have). Next time you see your neighbors apologize in person and that should be the end of it. Hope you have a great day!

I have had a miscarriage so I understand that the hurt lasts awhile after the baby leaves. But I do think your neighbor was harsh and I would guess that it is because they don't know how to process their grief in a healthy way. So when your innocent little girl asks something which could actually be interpreted as very loving and sweet, triggererd the sadness and anger about his loss. I wouldn't give any more head space to it or walk with your head down around them. Accept their response as what it was and just have compassion for them. People handle grief in different ways as I am sure you know. You never know, the same question asked to someone else in a similar position may have been grateful for the question so they could talk about their baby and keep the memory alive.

I would talk with your neighbor (who must not have kids yet) and kindly let them know how a 5 yr old mind works. Let them know that she was not trying to be unkind and that children try and process information as best they can. Even if she had experienced death in the family - she would still have probably asked the question. A child's point of view on death is usually a little more matter of fact than an adult. She was probably wodering if he remembered the baby - because she did.

I think you responded appropriately. Since your neighbors don't have a 5 year old, they don't know that a 5 yo will ask questions/comments as they happen to pop into their heads, without any intention to hurt anyone's feelings.

After my father passed away, my daughter would ask me 'Do you miss Grandpa?' about once a month, out of the blue. And we would have a conversation about it, and she would tell me that she misses him a lot, and that she wishes that he had not died. Asking questions about it is her way of dealing with it, understanding what death is, and expressing her emotions. I think your daughter asked the question because she sympathizes with them, and felt bad about their loss. I hope you were able to comfort her.

Your child is probably only thing=king about this after 7 months did you say? because there was no closure for the child. If she is really that close to them she needs to be able to put this issue to rest. I suppose you have read the books about death to her or her to you,,,, I think she is a very bright child to show empanthy to these neighbor. They (the neighbors) have not achieved the level of patience that only a parent can appreciate. I wonder if they have a good child development book? Check with your local child care resource and referral office that has a parenting library on sight. Again, your child seems very advanced with her empathy for her neighbors. Perhaps when the neighbor has her first baby you will be able to share some of the knowledge you have achieved over the years. It may be awkward for a while, but I have to say it is a wonderful thing that they feel close/safe enough to let you know how they are feeling.
No immediate resolution, but communication with your neighbor and your child are key here. Hope my rambling helps.

It sounds like you did the right thing...apologize to them. You're right, your daughter is five and didn't mean to hurt or offend. They are probably just really disappointed at not being pregnant anymore. I think you handled it well and just move on.

Your daughter was remembering their baby. They should be happy that she had not forgotten the baby. So often when someone miscarries a baby, the baby forgotten by everyone but the parents. What a sweet little girl you have. She is growing up if she can think of someone besides her self. I wonder now what she was remembering. Had the man let her talk, he may have learned something very comforting and insightful. How sad it lost that chance.

I don't think your being over protective! Young kids are honest about there feelings and thoughts. Its a sham that adults are offened by this.