My 9 Year Old Son Is Terrified of Being Abandoned.

ETA:

Reread Marda's post. She said it perfectly.

Orig: You need to address his anxiety, but you don't need to fret over what other kids are going to think about him. 9 year old kids are still very young and not particularly judgmental. Many of them still cry over little things.

If he wants to get upset and cry, he can do so without worrying what others think. That is completely irrelevant to his anxiety. You might want to try mirroring his emotions, instead of trying to talk him out of them. Trying to talk people out of their emotions usually has the effect of making them worse.

So when he's scared, say something that echoes that. "It seems scary to you when mommy and daddy leave," or whatever. And then DON'T try to fix or change that. You will probably see that this is more effective in calming him than trying to rationalize his fear away. Once you've mirrored his emotions, you can say something about how mommy and daddy will never abandon him.

Having trouble making sense of this. You are saying a perfectly well adjusted 9 year old had his sitter step out, not sure what that means, for five minutes and he ran all the way to school? Your friends were watching them and lost track of them and now he can't leave your side at all? Then in your what happened you are claiming you saw a professional who didn't raise these questions and just tried to explain that when someone walks away they usually come back?

So even though this is highly abnormal you are worried his friends will make fun of him?

ETA: I just read your SWH - this is your SON - and you're worried about costs? Why isn't your insurance covering this??

Has this post been edited?

R.,

Welcome to mamapedia. I had to laugh at your post - I'm sorry - NOT trying to be rude - but this was me growing up. Now I can see what I put my family through.

My paranoia came from my sister. I know. Really. But it's true. My sister told me that I was adopted and my parents regretted the adoption. I was scared to death they would leave me. However, mine started WAY younger than 9.

Please sit down with him and ask him WHY he feels like he is going to be abandoned. LISTEN to his answer. this will NOT be an easy conversation and you CANNOT lead him nor can you give him outs.

If this is something that just came up? There must have been a traumatic experience that occurred OR someone that he trusts telling him something that scared him so.

Please get counseling for him. YOU and your wife need to attend as well.

He will need to learn how to compartmentalize his fears with reality. It's hard. He's 9. The most important part is LISTENING to his fears and walking him through them.

Anxiety is just as real and serious as a physical illness. You need to contact your health insurance and find out how to get a therapist who is covered by your plan.
If your child is left untreated it could lead to serious mental and physical health issues, please take this seriously and do everything you can to get him help.

My child was able to overcome her fears by attending a therapy group for kids with anxiety. We worked on the exercises at home also. Kids need techniques to cope and to overcome their fears - parents need to know them too.

We came up with a plan. And then we practiced it. Part of it was talking about worst fear and what we could do if that happened. Knowing she had choices and options helped greatly. Then breathing techniques, etc. The more she went over the plan, the better she felt. Now it's once in a while. Big thing for us was gently pushing our kid out of comfort zone in other areas - like riding a bike, etc. so she felt empowered - she could do things she hadn't been able to 6 months ago. It will be different for your child, but a therapist will help you figure out what will help your child.

Good luck

that's a troubling over-reaction. i'm taken aback that any daycare professional would leave her charges unattended, but the panic is way out of proportion.
professional help is for sure called for in this situation.
i don't want to seize on one tiny thing in a big situation that clearly can't be covered in one post, but i notice that you force him to take on new situations even when he's panicking. i get it, but i'm wondering if your parenting philosophy of forcing self-sufficiency doesn't underlie the deep-rooted problem. maybe not- but examine it carefully and run it by the professional you pick to treat him. in the absence of severe trauma or mental illness, few children have abandonment issues this troubling unless they are fundamentally unsure of the safety of their family environment.
good luck to you all.
ETA just picked up on the 'rationalization' thing. that's really wack. what professional worth a grain of salt takes a panicky, anxious stressed little boy and tries to rationalize his fears? you need a better 'professional' by far.
your worry over it being 'costly' is also troubling. this child is damaged and teetering on the edge of lifelong phobia. help him, no matter the cost.
your worries over his self esteem and concern about your own stress weigh little in the balance. this isn't about you.
khairete
S.

Aww, poor kid. I really feel for him. My youngest had anxiety that began hindering her at around age 9 too. Hers was more "time pressure" related, but it got to the point I called her pediatrician, when we had horrendous mornings just trying to get her to school. Her fears were not rational, and we were not having any luck with calm reasoning in her moments of meltdown. We were fortunate to get an excellent referral to a therapist who met with my DD once a week for a few months. 9 is such a good age for therapy. (age 12-13 is so much harder in our experience) She soaked up the therapist's directions like a little sponge. I saw her write down things she could do when she felt anxious on a little card in her room, and she actually used this in those difficult moments. She improved so much that therapy was no longer needed for this issue. I'm not sure what you mean by long term, costly solutions, but I hope you give therapy a chance, even if it takes some searching to find a good therapist who will be the best fit for your son.

It sounds like you need a psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety in children. They will have methods other than rationalizing with him...because I have heard that with anxiety that it is not going to help much. I'm no expert though. Also, I know he is young for this but perhaps consider getting him his own phone if you think it will help him feel better. It can be an inexpensive phone but he can call you at any time if he feels like he is lost or is worried about it. I think it is great that you do not give in and you still make him do things because he then realizes each time that it was fine and he had fun. Ask him if the phone will help. Maybe give him other tools for helping himself out of any problem. Go through a few scenarios he might find himself in and go over what he should do if you are late or whatever. Good luck. I noticed with my son that 9 was a tough age. He matured a lot in the few years after that.

I want you to read your post again, R.. What you so matter-of-factly describe as 'incidents' -- your descriptions are lacking in compassion or understanding.

Your son sounds like he has some underlying issues even *before* these situations occurred. But yes, situations like these might seem like 'incidents' to you, but they are terribly frightening for some kids. The fact that your son ran back to school while he was at the caregivers shows that he already has something going on regarding abandonment. He was actually seeking safety. I'm really shocked that you are so cavalier about a child care provider leaving the house for a while. That can be completely scary for a kid, to just be left.

I can tell you from some of my own experiences, both as a child who was abandoned AND as an adult-- I think you are expecting him to just 'get on with it' and don't realize that he's 'stuck'. He has twice had the terrifying sensation of having no caring adult to guide him when he needed one. These fears can go deep. Just forcing him to separate from you isn't helping him. Your 'rationalizing' counselor--- please, dump that person. Trying to rationalize someone's anxiety and fear isn't helping. Sometimes, this can be complicated by anxiety disorder, and if that is treated as a 'behavior' instead of something which deserves consideration (and a possible diagnosis, because it's debilitating, esp. for the person experiencing it), your son is suffering from a real disservice.

I know it's frustrating. I didn't act out regarding this stuff as a kid, but it did surface as an adult... and I worked through it with a counselor. But it really did cause panic and fear. I also have had the experience of working with children who exhibited these same behaviors and it was tough, so I understand why you want it to just stop, but they had to move through the feelings in their own time. And they *hold onto* those hard, scary moments.

Years and years ago, I was a long-term nanny for a family. When their daughter was 4 or so, the parents went away for a 2 week trip. On the first of those days, I got the little girl's preschool pick-up time confused with the pickup time for the other kids I care for and arrived at her preschool half an hour late. I felt AWFUL. I mean, just terrible. And for the next two years I cared for the child, she would randomly bring it up. "Remember when you didn't come and I was scared?" That was how *she* perceived it. Even though she was with loving teachers, she felt scared that I didn't come. When she mentioned it, I would just say "yes, you were scared. I made a big mistake that day, huh? I'm really sorry." Acknowledging her fears (instead of rationalizing it or arguing about it with her) helped to let her know that A. I would be honest and responsible for my actions with her and B. it made it clear to her that something *she* experienced as scary WAS, in reality, a very reasonable reaction. She didn't have to internalize the conflict that someone else was imposing their reality on HER and expecting her to buy it.

Listen to your son. Find a more suitable and charitable (emotionally) counselor for your family. Have some compassion for the fact that his internal reality of the situation is just that: real for him. Just because you don't 'believe' it or want to validate it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I am so sorry your son feels this way. But the professional trying to get him to understand things work out fine doesn't seem to be the right way to help. He needs a lot of help in how to work through his feelings, not to rationalize things. I hope you can find a professional who can TRULY help him. It's scary when kids feel this way.

I'm a little confused too but in reference to it being costly, make sure you check with your insurance on what is covered and with who and try to go through those providers. In matters of health, you do whatever you have to do to take care of those you love. If that means, downsizing, moving whatever, you do it.

Have you tried talking to the school guidance counselor or a therapist?

Since he goes to school, if it is public, talk to the guidance counselor and see if he/she can have a few sessions with your son. Also, make sure that he knows his address and some phone numbers. He should have a home landline memorized, your cell, dad's cell, work #s memorized! Make him practice using a phone so that he is confident he can use one if needed. Role play. And do different scenerios - I start this with my children around 3-4 years old. Has he had a friend whose parent died? My children's friends lost their dad about a year ago and they were afraid that we would die - but explaining that mommy and daddy have taken care of that too - we have a will that says who they go to in case of a joint death made all the difference. Good luck!

If this is something that just popped up? I would trace back to when it started and what happened at that point in his life. Was there a new person, new sport, new environment?

My oldest son had a LOT of problems with our move from California to Georgia. It got to the point where the police got involved. It was not fun. We ended up in family counseling and then counseling just for him. Tyler and I can't believe the difference in our family, communication styles have changed, many things have changed for the better.

Who has told him that he would be abandoned? Who does he TRUST that has told him this? Is it possible he's been sexually abused and his abuser told him that if he told ANYONE he would make him go away? I hate even thinking that option, but really, it could be happening.

He needs to know he can always reach out to you or his mom. Does he have a cell phone? If not, consider a cheap one. You can pick up no-contract cell phones at Wal-Mart or even a pre-paid one so can contact you whenever he feels anxiety coming on.

Please know that anxiety is real. He needs help. DO NOT compare him to other children. DO NOT make light of his anxiety.

I can't imagine ANY day care provider leaving his or her house to move a car. That would cause them to lose their license here in Georgia. Good you moved your son. How is he handling this new location? This is another change that you say he doesn't handle well. Was he prepared for that change?

You need a new professional. No way would someone try to rationalize with a 9 year old. Your son needs to know how to handle his fears, not just rationalize them. This will be another change in his life, but one you need to make carefully. Counselors and therapists need to click with their patients in order to make a better outcome.

Poor kid. I think it's essential to recognize that anxiety is a real condition, fueled by any combination of stressful triggers, past experiences, dreams/nightmares, and an imbalance of hormones. Sometimes kids get to 7-10 years old and their mortality becomes real to them.

But when I think of people who have severe anxiety, fears, phobias (death, spiders, flying in airplanes, anything), I can't think of any who were "rationalized" out of it. I'd suggest you look into a professional with another approach. Perhaps the short term use of medication is indicated, perhaps not. Certainly the development of coping and desensitization strategies should be considered, but that should be done by a pro.

I'd put the self-esteem on the back burner - I don't think it's your primary concern, frankly. Kids can be cruel, but they can also be remarkably clueless or very caring. Getting stressed out yourselves doesn't help at all, and may fuel the anxiety. Any child who's afraid of being abandoned will get worse if he senses that his parents are getting aggravated or frustrated by his behavior. Please get a therapist who will work with you as well.

If you have to pull him out of sports in the short term, fine - just say he's got too much going on and that should cover it. There's a big movement not to over-schedule kids anyway, because the hamster wheel of regular school/aftercare/homework/sports/musical instruction/whatever else gets in the way of free play. So I think you could reduce his exposure to stressful situations easily without repercussions from friends. Ask the therapist if that's beneficial.

No kid wants to break down and cry like a 3 year old at age 9. This is a reaction he cannot control anymore than a adult can control screaming out in pain.

May I suggest: Ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychiatrist. A child psychiatrist could prescribe an antianiexty (I know I misspelled that!) for him, which will help him with his feelings of panic. That would be an excellent first step.

Second, before he does anything new, I would suggest taking him to whatever the new location is and letting him have a look around. Get comfortable with it. He may know all the kids, but he doesn't know the building, e.g.

Third, I would get him a flip phone. Our son didn't get one till he was 13, and we may be way behind the curve, but I would get him a simple, basic flip phone on Ebay, probably, and program in his mom's number.

Give him time. And, if you can imagine, being lost in a strange city where no one knows your language, you have no money, and you are physically disabled. I'm speculating that is what it was like for your son when he was lost. I'm going to bet if you had that experience, you wouldn't leave home without a wallet full of cash, another person who speaks the language and a car.

Sounds like the poor kid has some anxiety issues and just 'talking it out and reassuring' him isn't enough to get him through it.
He should be seen by a therapist or doctor who can prescribe him an anti anxiety medicine.
Maybe it's something he'll out grow eventually and maybe it's not but this sort of fear/panic has got to be so hard for him to cope with.
His self esteem is the least of his worries.
Think about what scares YOU the most that no amount of thinking/talking it through will ease your fears about it.
An uncontrollable phobia is UNCONTROLLABLE.
Please take him to a doctor who can help him.
Record several panic attacks if you can so you can show the doctor what happens.

If he is afraid of being alone, empower him and let him know that he is ok when he is alone. I like the cellphone idea, but it could really backfire if he forgets it, or the battery dies on him. Give him some more responsibilities, like ordering and paying for food. Have him give you the directions when you drive places in your neighborhood. Teach him your phone number and address and who to talk to if he gets lost. I told my son to look for a mom with her kids and she would help him. Teach him how to use 911 properly. Have him stay home alone for 5 minutes while you walk up and down the block. Give him the tools he needs to know he is ok alone for a short time.

My son went through a rough patch at that age, so did I , and I have heard of others, also. There must be some sort of shift in the psyche, or something, especially for sensitive kids. Please keep up with therapy. If he doesn't click with this person, find another, and do the work.

does he have a cell phone? i would get him a simple calls only phone so he can check in when needed. it may give him the peace of mind knowing you are a call away and will go to him quickly if he has a problem.

My daughter, under the direction of a professional therapist, dealt with a particular fear that was causing her to panic by this method:

1. Discuss the difference between reasonable and unreasonable fears. Reasonable fears are things that could happen, such as something on the stove catching on fire. Unreasonable fears are things like a giant anaconda snake being in your bed (unless you live in the Everglades or something - you get the idea). Your son's fears about getting lost are reasonable - people lose their way frequently. Reasonable fears are things like tornadoes in Oklahoma. Unreasonable fears are things like the teacher telling you to remain in your seat as she leaves the room after school, while the school gets closed for the night and you're left in the school alone overnight. It COULD happen, of course, but it's not something that one typically experiences, as opposed to getting lost, or getting sick, or not seeing your mom or dad for a moment on a busy street or at a county fair.

2. When the fear strikes, evaluate. Is this a reasonable fear or an unreasonable fear? Could I potentially lose my way on the beach and not know where our blanket and picnic set up are, among all the other beach goers? Completely reasonable (happens all the time). If I go to football practice, is there a chance that the coach will suddenly decide to load all the players on a bus and go for ice cream without even looking at the field to see if every player is accounted for, or not notice that I'm standing there? Not so reasonable. Adults in charge check and count the kids they're responsible for.

3. If the fear is unreasonable, have a phrase to tell yourself. "This is not a real fear and I am strong." Practice relaxing breathing (breathe so the abdomen rises and falls, not the chest; this is something you can learn by lying flat on the floor, placing a book on the chest and abdomen. The book on the abdomen should rise and fall, not the chest).

4. If the fear is reasonable, have a plan. On arriving at the beach, look around for a landmark near your site, like a numbered life guard station, or the blue bathroom building, or something like that. If you get confused on the beach, stop, relax, look for your landmark and head that way. At a theme park or public place, have a "meet up" spot in case of separation. "If you can't find mommy, sit under the big clock that you can see from literally everywhere at the fair and mommy will head there." Or have a plan for identifying the park employees and approach those (not just any adult). In the kitchen, learn how to use a fire extinguisher or have a family escape plan and a meeting spot. In a daycare setting, if he doesn't see an adult for a moment, have him sit down and say a poem to himself or count backwards from 100, while breathing properly. Chances are the daycare provider is simply in the bathroom or tending to an infant - most daycare providers will be reliable. Role play these safety plans with him.

5. We were told to respect her reasonable fears, address them calmly, and not to feed the fears or disregard them. When she experienced a panic moment, I was to check for what she was panicking about (with her, it was a medical trauma that actually happened. I was to calmly check her throat, and calmly tell her, "no, there's no bleeding" and then resume normal activities, like go back to washing the dishes or whatever). If your son cries and says he'll be abandoned at daycare, don't tell him "that's ridiculous" or go through a lengthy process to reassure him. Simply say "if you don't see Miss Patty Provider, just do what we practiced. Sit down in a chair. Wait quietly. Say the little poem we learned to yourself, or count. Give Miss Provider a chance to come out of the bathroom or finish changing the baby's diaper or talking to an adult at the door."

Hormones play a part in all of this at that age..I can remember frantically crying when my mom would wave goodbye to us when we got on the bus in the morning. I was afraid I'd never see her again. It was polarizing. I would get to school everyday crying and hyperventilating. I was 9 years old. My teacher would call my mom at work so I could talk to her. It was exhausting for my mother, and eventually we worked it out that I be driven to school with a friend and her mom. For some reason being on the bus would trigger this in me. The whole ordeal lasted close to four months, and then I was able to handle things.

For your son I would suggest Hypnotherapy. Also working on relaxation techniques, diffuse lavender in his room to help calm and soothe. Role modeling , and allowing him a safe place to express his feelings and thoughts. Simply throwing him into therapy to have a professional talk to him will only go so far. Patience, understanding, and rewarding him when he can control his anxiety will be beneficial. Finding a hobbies for him, something he can do to keep his mind focused would help too. Enroll him in a class or sport .

From your SWH, it sounds like you want a cheap fix for your son.. insurance should cover therapy.. but know this could take some time. You can't rush this kind of behavior. Is anything new or different that has caused this change?

I was a bit like that as a kid, although I never spoke to a professional, I just outgrew it. I do remember sitting by the door at daycare so that I would make sure that I could see when my mother came so she didn't leave without me. I think part of my problem was that I was in daycare....I hated it and felt like excess baggage. I know some people really need to put kids in daycare, but I purposefully stayed home with my kid because of my horrible feelings as a kid. I felt like my mother abadoned me every day when she left. I am in my 50's now and it still hurts to think about it.

In child care in Oklahoma we can leave school aged kids alone for up to 10 minutes, go check on them then leave them alone again. I had 20 school agers when I worked at a chain child care in OKC. I would often have to go to the kitchen to make their snacks or to answer a phone or something. It wasn't a big deal.

Your son had something happen that traumatized him. He wasn't ready for her to leave him, even for 5 minutes. Which is not as long as the state allows.

I'd say you need to work with someone for a few months. Your child is old enough to be doing home alone time already and in a year or two allowed to be home alone for extended periods of time during the day.

This behavior, if not taken care of, is going to limit his development in a big way.