My 3/Y Is Bossy and Cries a Lot

I have a 28 month old and noticed her being really bossy with the dog. She'll say, "No," "Don't touch," "Get." She'll even sort of kick at him. I realized with some shock, that she gets it all from me. I'm talking to the dog the way dogs are commonly spoken to, in short, stern phrases I'm sure he'll understand. When he's getting into something, I'll use my foot to guide or herd him away--never kicking or even touching him with my foot--just to guide him. Well, our toddler doesn't see that, she just mimicks. She uses my exact words and tone, so I've actually had to change the way I interact with the dog so that she doesn't pick up on what I do and misinterpret it and then act that way to others, aside from the dog.

She must be hearing similar things being said and incorporating them into her language. But aside from the language used, there is her frustration in thinking that there is one way to do something it has to be her way. That's the hard part, which will take lots of patience and understanding to help her through.

When I've worked with kids and with my own, I find it helps to be sympathetic toward them and say something like, "You're upset because the kids wanted to play with different rules. Yeah, that can be frustrating." Offer a hug or a walk. When they calm down from the initial upset, that's a good time to talk and help them change their thinking about something.

You might say, "You know, other people have different rules sometimes. Ant that's okay."

Help her problem solve, like coming up with rules everyone agrees on or offering another activity if they can't agree.

It's tough and we parents do our best. Good luck!

I spent a lot of years thinking that I could explain the way things work to kids. I would sit them all down, have these talks about everything from sharing to why we do certain things with routines. I talked and talked and talked. Boy did I waste my breath. Kids of all ages from birth to...well forever... pretty much have to learn things on their own.

Now I keep things very simple and very short now. I would tell her, you don't get to make the rules. Find something else to do because we don't fight here. That would come after the crying stops. Crying for any reason other being hurt or sick in my house is a punishable offense. And I mean physically hurt. I don't put a lot of emphasis on feelings anymore. I put more emphasis on right and wrong. But I will not explain to death ANYTHING.

A little note about feelings... Feelings aren't right or wrong per se. But feelings get people of all ages into trouble. We don't "feel" like going to work. We don't "feel" like being moms some days. We don't "feel" like being married. Life would be a LOT better for everyone if we would learn to not make decisions based on feelings. We need hard, cold, facts and everyone needs to choose their moral compass. But most of that is too much for any 3 year old to understand. But, I believe very strongly that if we give too much time and effort to a child's feelings, they will be getting the message that everything in life should feel good and nice all the time. That's not life and they might as well learn it early.

Children have a way of working things out on their own when they know that if anyone is unhappy, their game is over. It helps in my house that I have kids here everyday and that these kids are with each other so much of the time that they have plenty of time to work things out.

When you daughter is in a better mood, I would tell her that she won't have any friends if she bosses them around. Tell her very simply, people don't like being bossed around. At some point, she'll realize that you do boss her around! LOL. Then very simply tell her that your job is to teach her and keep her safe and YOU get to make the rules. Tell her that mommies and daddies boss the kids around. But you don't get to boss your friends around. Then leave it.

I so wish I could go back to being a new mom with all I've learned AND with that young healthy body.

She's being three.

I would have them play different games or activites that everyone was okay with.

If your daughter is crying for trifles, perhaps she is finding a 'safe' vent for her emotions. hand-in-hand parenting has some good articles about how to help your kids 'get out' their bad feelings. It really does clear the air.

Also, playful parentiing goes a LONG way at 3.

She's being 3.

Next time there is a play date, tell her ahead of time that if she can't play nicely with her friends, and not boss them around, no more play dates. If she bursts into tears over something, put her in a time-out in her room and tell her she can come out and play again when she can be nice.

I like what SLM wrote, about keeping it simple. Kids at that age don't need long-winded explanations for everything - especially when they start asking "But why?" over and over again.

It sounds like to me, you have an only child. your child is used to playing with you and you probably play the way she wants to play. This actually sounds pretty normal for an only child. You need to talk to your daughter and let her know that her behavior with the other children was not good and then teach her how to play with others by playing with her, but making her follow the rules and perhaps not let everything go the way she wants it to go. disappointment is a bitter pill to swallow, but she needs to learn how to handle it now. When she cries like that, sit down and explain to her that it's not that big of a deal and just try to redirect her. It's tough when you've been the only child, making up all the rules as you go along and then find out that the world is not going to conform to your rules.

Where in the world did she learn te power of saying " you are such a nuisance"? That is pretty strong for a 3yo. I would check that out right away because that is not a healthy place for her to be in when talked to like that. Having 2 3yo's in our family part of that is natural they are changing from toddler to little people and are confused by many things they are also learning to have control over thier enviroment and what is in it. So the rule is you play @ my house we follow my rules. They actually pick this up from adults actions which speak louder than words.
it will last for awhile and then she will calm back down and then enter the 4's wich is another body change to prepare tem for becoming really independent and old enough to go to school.
So figure you have now entered the twilight zone of parenthood and enjoy the daily changes and think of it as a theme park ride a thrill around every bend and laughter at the end.

Some behavior like this is normal, as kids test boundaries and try to exert their own control over their environment. However, it sounds like she may not be getting enough sleep. My 4yo son only acts like that towards the end of the day when he's tired. Usually, I can go back to the night before and count how many hours of sleep he's had, and if it's not on par with the 11-12 he usually gets, I know that's what it is, and bedtime comes a little early that night. He hardly ever argues and usually falls RIGHT to sleep.

Discipline the tantrums and she'll stop.
www.backtobasicsdscipline.com