Moms with Teenagers

Be lucky you have a son. I have 3 daughters. 12 and two 9 year olds. My 12 year old is already wanting a lot of leigh way. I cant understand these moms that just drop their 12 year old at the mall and pick them up whenever they call. That just blows my mind. It also makes me look like Im completely over pretective.
Stick to you guns. He will love you more for it later. Tell him its all out of love and respect.
S.

You are the parent! Is he still in school? I have a daughter that is 13 and I know this topic will come up. I can't imagine inviting a boyfriend to spend the night. I am not trying to be judgemental at all, I just know we need to draw a line somewhere. M.

Good for you for saying no! He'll get over it. It may seem like it'll take forever, but he will. When he's older he'll respect you more and understand why you said no. Sit down and ask him what he would do in this situation, what if he had a daughter and she wanted to have her boyfriend spend the night. I bet he'll say no.

A.

Stand by your guns, or talk one on one with the mom- maybe a compromise can be met. I am liberal, but I would never let my daughter's boyfriend spend the night. That said, my parents are strict and conservative, but they let our boyfriends spend the night because we lived far out in the country so they wouldn't have to drive home- but they made them sleep on the futon in the basement. My point, do what feels right to you- teens with overly permissive parents tend to end up pregnant or something else.

I have two teenage daughters and the first thing that comes to mind is "Lynne Spears". Need I say more? It is our jobs as parents for as long as we have our kids at home to enforce our rules and values. Holding firm to what is right is how our children come to repect us even if they do not agree.
S. H.

That is ridiculous for him to think you'd say yes. Let him give you the silent treatment if that's how he wants to handle it. If you give into him just because he's not talking to you, then what else will he try to "not talk" you into? Stick to your guns on this one. He's almost 18 and there are privileges to getting older. Most kids don't ask, they just go ahead and do it and tell their parents they're staying the night elsewhere. I admit I did that so I could spend the night when I was his age. I guess you could be thankful he was trying to be honest, but being honest still doesn't make it the right thing to do.

Hi A. and my name is A. also, I have four children aged 25 yrs old daughter, married and have my first grand daughter, my 21 yrs old son lived and studying in NY with Game and Video Designer,my 16 yrs old daughter is already in Junior College, my baby is 14 yrs old son is freshman in high school. A., I was a full time housewife and my job is to raised and guide,discipline this children and get them finished high school and sent them to college. I honestly talked to my own children about sex education and pregnancy,diseases everywhere, etc., We are the good influential with this children. I encouraged you to stick to your word "NO". Explained to your son that you don't care about how other parents raised and discipline their own children because it is not yours and not your family, what you're concern about is your son. I agreed with you, I will not definitely allowed my son to sleep with a girls house at the younger age. Did your son realized when he will have sex with that girl, 99% will get pregnant. Tell your son even thought ourself used birth control pills still have the tendency of getting pregnant. That parent of that girl is not a decent parents , if she is a decent mother, you will not allow a boyfriend come over and sleep with your younger daughter at the early age. I don't care how educated and well off parents that girl has, I don't feel comfortable having my son seeing that girl. How do you know that girl has your son the first boyfriend of her's? I am not sure about that because they're so fast and well experienced family. I don't care if my son gives me an attitude about those request, but I will let my rules to him that until you are the provider and putting roof,food,clothing,sending him to school, he will obey your rules and regulations in your house. You have to put your foot on the door and don't let your children manipulated you and control. Imagine, if something happen to that girl, you will be responsible because you allow your son to sleep there and have sex with her under minor age. Tell your son that he needed to control his sex drive because his priority is education so that he can have a better life and good job. Explain to him that life is tough outside already and it is very competitive to get a job. If you don't have a good college degree, you will not make it there outside because the apartment is expensive. Who will supported him and his girlfriend,baby? Not you as a mother because if our children does not listen,sometimes you will let them fall down and let them get up with their two feet but our job is to give them a tough love. I don't allow my teenager's children to have a guests in their own private bedroom because I don't believe with guest going to their bedroom and close the door. They're in my house and they're guest, they only allow in certain areas of my house but not bedroom and shutting door is not permitted in my house. Make a rules now because they're young to be expose with those sex. Tell your son if he's smart and he will achieve his highest education first before sex. Good luck and don't give up as a mother, he will thank you later on how strict you are.

A.

Would you like to hear that he got her preggers? No! Stick to your beliefs...he is a teenager...it's normal to be angry, but when he's an adult he'll thank you for raising him with morals. He will pass this on to his children. You cant always be his friend....part of being a good parent. He'll get over it.

NO is the right answer. My mom used to let our boyfriends stay the night, and my sister and I both became sexually active at 14! My sister was a teenage mom, and I become premiscous (sp). My mom made the boys sleep in another room but it didnt stop us. If they are together over night then they are going to sleep together. Hope my experience helps.

Hi A.,
If your son and his girlfriend want to have sex, you saying no is not going to stop it. They will find the time and place. Have you had a honest talk about sex and pregnancy and his plans for the future. Have you honestly talked about babies and cost and what is beyond the sex? If yes then hopefully your son is being responsible. If not take him to planned parenthood, the maturnity ward at a hospital, The welfare office and any other place that will show him the reality of sex without thought.
Good Luck. This is the time in your life where you don't give up. You stay as calm and as honest as you can.

oh no!!! I have a 15 1/2 yr old daughter, and ALOT of her friends have the same situations. It is so different from when I was that age! (I am 36) I would never ever even think about asking my mother to have my boyfriend overnight!! Maybe you should just talk to the girlfriends mother and let her know how you feel about it all, and out of respect for you, please do not offer a sleepover!! The hard thing is, you don't want to turn him away from you and go against you. WOW, I hope it all works out for you!!

You're the the parent and he's living in your house. You are absolutely right to be saying "no" and sticking with it!

I hate to sound cliché, but I think that as long as your son is not yet an adult and still living in your house he's got to respect your rules. I think it's important to honor your kids feelings about their relationships and try to be reasonable with what restrictions you put on them, but you also need to stand your moral ground, too.
My husband and I consider ourselves pretty liberal but when his son (my step-son) started getting really serious with his girlfriend we felt pretty freaked out. My husband had lots of open talks with him about birth control and all that business. We knew that they felt they were ready for a sexual relationship and we tried to be realistic about it. But when she would come over and they would go behind closed doors in his bedroom I just didn't feel comfortable with it. Neither of us were in denial about the fact that the decision for them to begin a sexual relationship was out of our hands, whether we tried to prevent it or not, but we decided it was OK for us to create limits in our own house based on what we felt comfortable with. We told him that when she was over, the door needed to be open, at least a little. There was shouting and attitude and accusations of mistrust thrown at us, but we just put up with it and tried to explain our feelings the best way we could. It was tense for a while but he got used to it. I'm sure they managed to do all kinds of things with the door open only a crack but at least we didn't feel we were openly condoning them having sex with no boundaries. I believe as much as teens feel they are adults and should be able to make adult decisions, they still need guidance from their parents and to know firmly what their parents values are. Soon your son will be an adult and be able to make any choice he wants (and also be have to be responsible for his choices) but I think until then it's OK to still stand by your own feelings of what's appropriate for him.

Hi A.,

Parenting teens is HARD! Much harder than babies and toddlers, for sure. Stick to your guns -- you're the parent. Talk to your son about the responsibilities of having sex and fathering a child. You're pretty young, so my guess is you have some personal experience with having to give up some of your teenaged and young adult years to childrearing. Talk to him about your personal experiences.

Then, realize that your son is on the brink of legal adulthood (real maturity is still 15 - 20 years in the future, IMHO!). Realize also that, biologically, the reproductive urge is almost overwhelming once boys enter puberty. Talk to him about birth control for him AND anyone else he's with. Talk about protecting himself from HIV, HCV, gonorhea, syphillis, Herpes, crabs and other veneral diseases. Use the internet. You will not be able to watch him 24 hours a day and you will not be able to stop him from doing things behind your back, no matter what your rules are. Once he's on his own, he's going to need to start using his own judgement. Give him the tools to do that and let him know that you love him and support him unconditionally, that you'll always be there if he wants advice and to help him get back on his feet if he stumbles. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open for now and the future.

As far as getting through to him now when he's giving you the cold shoulder -- is there another adult he relates well to? His stepfather, an uncle, grandfather, cousin, clergy, youth group leader, teacher or counselor? Enlist one of those people to have a gentle and casual conversation with your son about this topic. Another thing you can do is leave a nice little loving note or card on his bed that will make him smile and want to talk to you. With my son, I found that he would be willing to open up if I entered his world. I'd sit down with him and play a card game or video game and casually chat while we were playing. We'd talk when driving in the car together or running errands. These are "safe" times because they don't have the onerous feeling of being on the receiving end of the shaking finger.

Good luck! You'll get through it. Our son gave us a REALLY tough time for about 3 years, then finally took a step forward, got into college and finished his Eagle scout requirements. I have to say... doing the Eagle project was, I think, the best thing in the world. He really had to learn how to be self reliant, responsible, but most of all, how and when to seek out adult advice and use it.

R.

Dear A.,

I'm with you. It is so much better to err on the side of caution.I know I am a throw back to the Stone Ages, but I truly, truly believe that children are allowed to grow up way too fast these days, and I believe it is detrimental to them. Not only would I not allow my son to spend the night at a girlfriend's house, my children are to be home before I leave for work at night (with very few exceptions), and they have a 10 p.m. phone and computer curfew. I say stick to your guns, Mom! Just keep reminding them that each household has different rules, and as a member of YOUR household (don't you pay to keep a roof over his head, and to feed and clothe him?) he must abide by YOUR rules, not her mother's! I had a hard time with the phone curfew with my son and his girlfriend. They used the cell phones until they realized that I check the bill when i comes in, and even though it was a month later, he would get in trouble for calls and tests after curfew. So then they started using the house phone. I hid a phone in my room when I went to work at night, and he went out of his way to find it to erase her incoming calls. I eventually took them out and sat them down and talked to them (at least I thought) like adults. I talked about respect - were they treating me with respect, did she treat her parents like they were treating me, etc . . . They were mortified. But they followed the rules after that. Part of it may have been that my next step was to go to her parents and talk about my rules that were being broken.

I will tell you that sixteen has not been pretty at my house. (And I get to do it one more time - woohoo!) When my son was sixteen, his father and I were going through a divorce, so I don't know how much of his anger, hostility and attitude were because of this, or was normal teenage "angst." (He has grown out of it and is as delightful as a nineteen year old boy/man can be.) My daughter is now seventeen, and has been difficult for a while. She is very . . . superior, I guess - know-it-all, and is very condescending to me. Again, I don't know how much of this is personality (with her, at least part of is just her), and how much of it is hormonal, and teenage turmoil. I have a fifteen year old daughter. She is very much a people pleaser, and I am curious as to how sixteen will be with her. I see moments, flashes of what I saw in the other two at sixteen. Hopefully it will be milder with her because of the differences in circumstance and personality - but with teenagers and hormones, etc . . ., who knows?

This is difficult. Part of the issue with my (17 year old) daughter is that she thinks she needs to understand the rules - that they need to make sense to her. I think she needs to respect me as her mother and follow the rules, whether I can make them make sense to her or not. My son is a college freshman this year, living on campus. As hard as it was for me when he "moved out," I have a feeling it's for the better. When he came home over christmas, he wanted to come and go at all hours, and I expect him to be courteous and be home by midnight. - When you're in Momma's house, you follow Momma's rules! So much of this is normal - it just takes on more degrees of difficulty as time passes and the kids are introduced to more and more, earlier and earlier . . .

Good luck!
B.

This too shall pass . . .

Trust your instinct and don't waver! I didn't trust my instincts and now my son is being charged. :(
Too many mothers allow their children to make decisions that are not LEGALLY their's to make...and our children are the one's that pay...I'm not saying my son was right, but it's hard when someone is throwing themself at you and hormones are raging.

I have a 14 year old & an 18 yr old. I've always been very open with them even do we talk about everything i know they don't tell me everything. Do not second guess your self you made the right choice for them. I had similar situations and i tell them it is not that i do not trust you but i do not trust them girls at that age are very sneeky if they do not get their way they will turn on you and get you into more trouble than what they are worth. I do hear from them but their mom is cool and they like me, my answer to that is like i've told you when it comes to family if something goes wrong or they do not like something you said or did family is first and they will side with their daughter first. remember good moms know when to say no.

I have six kids, 5 boys 1 girl. They range in age from 23 to 13 and I have one three year old Grandson from my now 20 year old son. His girlfriend lived with her dad and he worked all day so the apartment they lived in was empty all day every day, hence my grandson. At 17 they are still KIDS and they think "it won’t happen to me, we will be careful" and they are fooling themselves. I would be sure the girlfriend is on the pill or a good form of birth control and then I would talk to her mother about your rules and ask her to please help you to enforce them and not allow this. If she doesn't respect your wishes talk candidly to both of them! Family's today need to discuss morals and scruples because somehow society has put these to the wayside and we as parents need to bring them back into our children’s lives. This is, in my opinion, what God wants us to do as parents, I try to live by biblical principles not what liberal America is dishing out and I expect the same from my children and let them know my disappointment when they stray from this way of life. Enjoy your family and communicate! Communicate!! Communicate!!!

So what he won't talk to you and gives you an attitude?? You're his mom and those are your rules. Period. Don't be influenced by other lax moms--their kids will suffer in the long run for their lack of discipline and ability to say no. The teenage years are tough, but we need to be tougher. :-)

You Go Girl!!!! Don't even allow your teenager's displeasure manipulate you out of your loving and appropriate boundaries. You may enjoy reading "Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No" by Dr. John Townsend.

Are you kidding? you can tell your son that any girl who thinks it's ok for her boyfriend to spend the night at 17 years old is the kind of girl that he should not be dating. I am frankly shocked at what you wrote. I have a daughter 21, and a son 18, and althought they have complained along the way that I have been too strict (which is hilarious, because I really haven't, but to them I have when compared to other kids getting away with ANYTHING)I have stuck to my guns about what is right and what is wrong morally and ethically. I have talked to them openly about the difference between making a good choice or a bad choice, and the consequences of each. To this day my relationship with them is open and honest and beautiful. They come to me about anything. Sometimes they tell me TOO much, but always ask me my opinion. My daughter who is in her 3rd year of college in colorado recently asked me if I would raise her kids! She said she can't understand why college girls are so insecure about themselves that they would sleep with any guy(or guy's, yes that's plural) who show them even the slightest bit of interest and are more than willing to go overboard with drugs and alcohol. If you want your son to take a path that is wrong on every level or respect your decisions as he matures and looks back when he has his own kids, then stick to your GUT. Who cares if he won't talk to you for a while? All teenagers hate their parents at some point or another. It's normal and in the long run, he will thank you. If he really shows signs of rebellion, my best advice would be to talk, talk, talk, and maybe even go and see a counselor. It is hard to get things out of a boy. I have found that the best scenario with my son was when we were alone in the car together with no interuptions, or alone at home watching tv together. I will say this, they are not too old to take priveleges away. I am a big proponent of that. computers, nintendo,cell phones, and cars have all been taken away from my kids. I did it when they were at school or away,so as not to cause a huge scene, plus teenage boys have so much testosterone and built up angst that they can become physical and crazy. I just simply unplugged the things, packed them away, and when they noticed they were gone, I quietly and calmly said that we just cant have the tv, video games, computers in our lives right now. They had to go to the library to use the computer for school. They didn't talk to me either and were mad as hell, but it was a good thing. As far as the car being taken away, I just took the keys while they were sleeping and then when they didn't have the keys to start the car in the moring to go to school I just said oh I would be happy to drive you and pick you up, unless you can pay for your own gas, insurance, and repairs and take over the car payments? :)
Tough Love works in my opinion. Be strong. Good Luck. Always listen to YOUR gut, and what's right for YOUR kids. It wont always seem right to others, but if you feel in your gut it's right then trust it.

Great answer NO!!!! Had similar situation. Stick to it.

A.,

Are you ready to be a 34 yr old grandmother? Didn't think so. Keep your feet planted in your soil of truth and while your sons are 16 & 17 and living under your roof, they cannot spend the night at their girlfriend's house. Plain and simple.

Have you and your son(s) talked about sex together? This is a perfect time if you haven't. I'd take a walk around the block and talk to him honestly. Express your desire not to be a 34 yr old grandmother and talk about sex, protection (condoms, abstience, celibacy), std's, etc. It may be a little embarrasing or uncomfortable for you both, but it's real and necessary.

If you choose not to talk to your son about sex or it didn't work. Just let him know you love him and give him space - meaning, don't keep bringing up the spending the night issue - but if the not talking to you and 'tude is too much to handle. Let your son know you won't be disrespected in your home and that there are rules in life that he may not agree with but must deal with.

Peace.

Hi A.,
I am a mother of two, my daughter is 22 years old and my son is 12 years old, I am also a Life Coach working primarily with teens and their families and I do weekend workshops with the Boys and Girls club for at-risk teens. You made a great decision! Stick with it! Your son will test you through this and make you the bad guy, but it is important you set the bondaries and don't bend. So many parents allow their kids to set the rules forgetting they are the adult. Just remember it is his "job" to push for more and he is testing how far he can go. Just love him through it and let his remarks just roll off of you like water off a ducks back. It will soon pass.
Great job!
J. M.

Hi A.: Stick to your guns! Your son will thank you for it later. All he needs is to be a teenage dad with an immature teen girl with no morals. Also there is the STD issue.

When he is 18, out of the house and paying for EVERYTHING himself he can make his own decisions. Until then he is under your roof, eating your food, etc. you make the rules. Your attitude is loving and proper. Teaching him respect for himself and for women will prepare him for a good and happy life.

He'll get over his tantrum eventually. It's that girl and her mother that need the help!!

Mary

Stick to your guns if you feel strongly about it. Give them an inch and they take a mile in my opinion. They will appreciate it in their later years and will understand when they are parents. Take the attitude with a grain of salt...there's always more where that came from, when you're talking about teenagers. Good luck, and its ok to be a little old-school when it comes to parenting, in my opinion.

Hi A.! I'm a mom to two teenagers, and a divorced mom to boot. I know what you're saying about the attitude!! And I think you absolutely made the right choice by saying 'no' to your son. Congratulations on standing up and doing the right thing. I know how hard that is, especially when your teen doesn't like your answer. But it's our jobs as moms. Our teens are actually counting on us to reign them in and set boundaries - and they are going to constantly push those boundaries because they are, well, teens. That's their job. So I think you're doing the right thing. Mothering teens today is especially hard because so many other moms let their teens do whatever they want.

As for the attitude, I think calling him on it, telling him how it makes you feel & that it's unacceptable behavior for your family - and maybe even following up with dicipline if he doesn't comply - is reasonable. You are his mother, you provide for him and love him, and you deserve to be spoken to and treated with respect, especially in your own home. And I know it goes without saying but, this only works if you treat him with respect too.

Good luck A.! I hope this helps a little bit. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job as a mom!

Hi,

This is the first time I've ever sent in anything, so I hope this is working right. Anyway, this is simply my opinion, and it may or may not work for you. Background--I'm 42 yrs old, a stay at home mom, 2 boys 15 and 11. Honestly, what I've told my son is that I will not allow him to be in a situation where he can get into trouble. There are legal and emotional issues attached to the situation which they aren't even going to think about. I also remind him when I don't let him do things that "everyone else is doing" that it's my responsibility as a parent to do what I think is best for them, regardless of what other people are doing. And if he gives me attitude, it's normal. I try to ignore it because I know he's doing it so I'll eventually give in. Generally, he eventually understands my point of view.

S.

i am a 40 yr old mom with 3 teen girls in the house....plus a 9 yr old boy...i say you have good morals. stick to your guns and let him be mad. our goal as parents is not to be their best friend but help coach them on whats right and wrong.

I have a teenage daughter and it is hard, so they think they know it all. don't give in you are doing the right thing, he owes you respect and he needs to respect you and your house. As for the girls mom!!! What the heck...She needs to take care of her daughter. Talk to your son and tell him that you love him and you want the best for him but stay firm with the decision you took when you said No!!!

You are his mom, not his friend. He doesn't have to like it or talk to you, but you are setting a standard that he will take to heart when he sees you are firm in your convictions. Sit down with him and show him how much it costs to run a household, pay bills, etc...ask him if he is prepared for that? I did that with my son...and I also made clear that if he does get someone pregnant he will not get get any financial assistance, babysitting or anything else from us. Ask him if he is mature enough to have sex, is he mature enough to take care of a child and be connected to this girl for the rest of his life? Does he really want to give up the one thing he can save for someone really special? I hope this helps.

He'll get over it. Just stick to your guns...you won't regret it! He'll appreciate it and you when he finally grows up and has a son or daughter of his own. Stay strong...eventually he'll ask for something so he'll have to talk to you.

Good luck!
With Aloha from Hawaii,
M.

I would have said no, too. They are absolutely too young to be sleeping over. What are her parents really like? I can't imagine anyone allowing their teenage daughter to have a male sleep over. Out of curiosity I would call her mom to find out what she's thinking.
You made a good parenting decision and someday your son will realize this, too. Even if it seems as if he never will.

oh no way in hell would i let my kid at that age sleep over!! too bad if he gets mad, u know what's best.Don't give in.This would also be a good time if u haven't already to talk about sexual relationships.let him know who the parent is.

Stick to your guns! They will appreciate it later when they have to make choices based on what someone else is doing or their own beliefs. Your action will teach them how to be true to themselves no matter how mad they get at you. When they don't know what to do, they always revert to what they were taught when they were younger.

Also, you'll give your son a great out when he needs to (and wants to) say "no." Mom is a great fall-guy. I have one 21 year old boy/man and one 1 year old boy. They have both expressed this to me.

Hi Anna, I'm with you. No would be my answer as well. If he is not talking to you, oh well, he will in time. Hold your ground. Don't cave. Be strong.

I have 2 daughters 18 and 21 and not only were they never allowed boys to sleep over, they were not allowed boys in their rooms. They also were not allowed to sleep over at other friends (girls) houses once they entered high school. I always want to know what they are doing and who they are with. I trust them, but hey, they are (or were) teenages and teenagers are not always honest.

While I do believe if kids want to have sex, they will . . . they won't be doing it in my home whith me there. I can't control what they do when I'm not around, but I can control where they sleep and did until they moved out. (both did over summer).

Good luck A. - being a parent is a hard job and it's so easy to question our decisions as well as decisions of others. Only time will tell and until then, you have to do what is right for you.

I tell my girls all the time, when you're the mom, you can make any decision with regard to your kids you want and I promise, I won't say a word unless you ask for my advice.

So you can say to your son . . . If want to sleep over at your girlfriend's or have her sleep over here, the answer is no, but if your child ever wants its boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep at your house, you're free to let that happen. I won't judge you. I'll just continue to love you.

Good for you!!! I applaud you for saying no and sticking to it. Your 17 year old is probably giving attitude because he did not get his way. Treat him the way you always have but do not let him disrespect you. This is a tough time for you and him. But he is still a minor under your roof and should live by your rules. Stay strong and continue to show him that you love him. He may not appreciate you now but one day, perhaps farther away than we would hope, he will appreciate you and the way you raised him. Keep up the great work!

A.,
As long as you don't mind being a 34 year-old grandmother raising an out-of-wedlock child who will probably inherit a sexually transmitted disease from his/her mother, I say go for it! NOT!!!

Being conservative as you are is a real plus! Ask him to invite her to your home for a sleep-over while you police the area. It means no sleep for you or your husband for the night, but this way you can keep an eye on them. My daughter used to date a boy that lived about l l/2 hrs. away so frequently she spent the night with his parents watching (doors left open). After several of these sleep-overs she got into a verbal altercation with him and drove home one night. And that was all it took! The more you try to keep them apart, the more they sneak to be together.

I agree with you. That is not a good thing to do. My kids are 15 and 16 this year. A girl and a boy, the boy is older. And we don't do sleep overs with the opposite sex anymore and they know this. My boy doesn't have a girlfriend, but my daughter has a boy she likes. Unfortunately for her, her brother hates him, so he's not allowed to sleep over for either of them. I allow the same sex to sleep over, but only if the opposite sex sleeps in their own room. For example; my son had a friend over, they slept in the livingroom, and my daughter slept in her room. But my husband thinks they are too old for any sleep overs anymore. He lets me decide though. I know my son just likes to stay up late and play video games, so I'm ok with it. My daughter never asks for sleep overs anymore.

I think I agree with my husband though, they are too old to be having "sleep overs" anymore. They've had sex ed, and it's just uncomfortable for all of us. So if there is any interest at all between the opposite sexes I say no. Sorry. They can do what they want when they are out of my house (age 18, as adults) and on their own. And they know the risks involved etc... so... maybe its time for a "heart to heart" talk with your son.

I wish you well.

Hi A.,
I grew up with a friend who also had a liberal mother. There's a part of me that really appreciates that the young couple can be together in the safety of one of their homes. It seems to be much better than the backseat of a car or where ever else teenagers find themselves.

Now having said that, I don't know if I could be as liberal. My spiritual path has been teaching me a lot about the sacredness of relationships and of women.

I'm wondering what your "no" is about. It might help to understand that better within yourself which you can then share with him if you haven't already. I see it as opportunity to teach your sons about the sacredness of relationships and to help them understand the enormity of what they're doing -- of any couple when they become sexually intimate.

My personal opinion is that if you're going to be intimate with someone look to see if it's someone you want to have a child with; is this person someone you want to be in relationship with for the rest of your life. There are so many "accidents" that happen and once a child is in the picture the two parents are in relationship forever whether they get along or not. Children have a need for their parents to be together and much more.....

Women have a need for security in their relationships when they give their hearts. We tend to give our hearts too early without building a foundation for a relationship where we know we are loved for who we are and what each has to give, etc.

I have a lot to say about all of this and am actually developing classes around this which is part of my vision of bringing awareness to how we welcome children in the world. It seems to start with the self and discovering what's each person needs to feel fulfilled; and then approaching dating and discovering what qualities you want in a partner and much more...

I'm not sure if I'm making enough sense... hopefully, it helps in some way. Feel free to call me if you like or email me back.... it's such a huge topic.

But I would go back to looking at what you're "no" is about and sharing the wisdom in that.....What is it that you're wanting for him? Look to your own experience of what's worked and what hasn't in relationship. I don't know you're history, did you jump into a relationship and are now single? Are you still married... what made that work, etc????

Sincerely,
Maritza

MaritzaLuzVega.com
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Since when do teenagers not give attitude??? He may be quite relieved to have you stop the "sleep over". OMG, You need to make sure he has gone to the MD, understands birth control, has condoms and knows you disaprove of sex for him. (Obvious) A phone call to the girls mom may result in an interesting conversation, she may NOT really approve of the sleepover and the two of the kids are making it up...
Also, they may promise that they will wear sweatshirts, and warm up pants, etc. HA HA we aren't that stupid, but it sounds like he may be needing some monitoring for his own good. I have an 18 yr. old daughter and I've seen all of this. Frightening!!! They are so silly.

I'm with you. First of all, they are under 18, doesn't she worry about the legality? I lived with my grandparents for a summer when I was 19 or so and gramma asked if I didn't want my boyfriend to sleep over because he had such a long drive. I thought it weird but went along. She also asked what I was using for birth control.

As hard as it is to be the "mean mom," I have read many stories form kids who wished thir parents had set more boundaries and limits. They may not know it consciously, but kids will test us just to see what the rules are. Is this mom ok with her daughter getting pregnant? Is she prepared for her kid to be a baby mama? Would she expect your son to marry her daughter? It rarely turns out like it did in the movie Juno either where every one was pretty ok with the teenage pregnancy.

I have 3 daughters but I am all for having a conversation with the boys too. It is just as much his reponsibility. Stick to your position but have a convesation with him. The numbers of kids having sex at an early age is rising but we do have a say in our kids' lives and ideas still.

Hi A.,
I have a teenager too, he is 15. I am with you! I have had another experience where the girl put the pressure on; she wnated him to be "the first one". Could happen anytime anywhere but I would not encourage it by having him sleep over.
Love to talk more about teenagers!It's been a rough ride for me.
C.

And where exactly would he have been sleeping? I'm totally with you on this one.

I don't have teenagers but my sisters all really liked a book called "How to talk so teens will listen and how to listen so teens will talk." Maybe it would have some good information.

Hold your ground girl! Nothing good can come of it.

Hi A.,
I would suggest being honest and open with your son about why you are hesitant about spending the night. Let him know the risks that are involved. Maybe even call her mother and talk to her and see if you can come up with some common grounds/rules for the kids. Teens shut down when they hear the word NO. Then they find a way to do exactly that.
Just some thoughts.
J.

Teenagers are tough I am barely starting with y 13 year old so I have long ways to go. He is already asking for freedom and one day he disrespected me infront of everyone about it. I stood my ground i didn't forget I am the mother and he the son and my rules are my rules and there is reasons for y rules. He has friend that their parents are more liberal and he tends to compare. But I sat him down still upset with him, and making it clear that he owes me respect. I had a 2 hour talk with him and explained to him my reasons. At the end we came to certain agreements that privilidges come with a cost. I still don't agree myself in letting my son stay over at a girlfriends house. Every household is diffeent and I think your son's girlfriend should respect your rules or the rules that come with your son. There probably be more girlfriends along the way but number one, your son needs to respect you first or how is he going to learn to respect other women.

I am 35 with a 17, 14 & 1 yr old.

My advice to you is wait until he is ready to talk to you. Don't push him, just give him the silent treatment unless you have something for him to do. Once he is ready to talk, then explain to him why you do not approve of him spending the night. Let him know that every parent standards are differnt, but you chose to raise your children this way. Then say, "I hope you understand".

I have 4 kids. I've gone thru 2 of them being teens so far. I finally had to stop letting them spend the night at friends houses unless they were personal friends of mine. No overnites at girl/boyfriends houses. I had to tell them when they are 18 and living on their own they can do whatever they want. Until then, my rules, no bugging on this one. No anger or arguing(from me) just matter of fact and leave the room. Also as much as he doesn't want to hear it he is setting an example for his younger brother. 2 are now living at college and all is well with them. I'll do the same w/the last 2. Stick to your standards, it will payoff in the end.

a few questions first. Do the teens sleep in separate rooms? Is your son sexually active, and if so, does he use condoms? Is the girl's mother at the home during these nights?

Dear A.,

Oh gosh, I don't know what to say. My only idea is to talk it over with him. I mean really an old fashioned adult one to one and see what the two of you can come up with. It is about time for you to sort of let him fly (with support).

I know a fellow that came illegally to the United States - many years ago - when he was 15. He did not have any family with him, he had to make his own way and learn the language and live a very quiet responsible life, as you can imagine he must have been very scared. I always think of him when I hear that 17 or 18 year olds want to be adults - they really are, they can take care of themselves. Of course, not always making the right decisions. But it would be the best of all worlds if you could continue to have his confidence and work with him as he matures, rather than have a schism between the two of you.

Ask him what if the overnight stay resulted in a pregnancy, then what would they do? Not an easy life for the baby or for them. Always keep the baby in the front of the minds of the participants - of course, if there would be one. I am still saying that to my children - that baby needs a good home, good food, security and it needs that for a lot of years. and, of course, love, love, love, from both sides of the family. Amen, sermon over.

C. N.

Hi A.,

The girls mom seems to have confused her role as "Friend" instead of "Mother". People sometimes forget that you cannot be both until your children are truely adults. My mom was always my mom and I appreciate her more and she is now my friend. She instilled great moral values in me so that I was able to grow up to be a good adult. You need to continue to guide him as best as you can and eventually down the road he will understand why you did what you did. Because you CARE about him and LOVE him!

Definitely do not let him spend the night. That really puts the wrong message across. You need to keep his best interests in mind (STDs, Aids, etc). Explain that it is not proper for him to spend the night neither is it proper for the girls mom to allow such a thing.

I know of a girl who did that and she ended up with an STD. She can't turn back the clock and it will be with her the rest of her life. She ended up with at at 16 years old. Too bad her mom didn't act like a mom to her.

Are they sexually active? Please give him the "protect yourself, we don't want 'accidental/unexpected' grandkids" talk. Then sit him/them down and talk about self-respect and self esteem for himself and for his girlfriend.
Best wishes,
K. B

Consider this: Your son gets liberal mom's daughter pregnant because she allows sleep-overs. Hm-m-m-m, how "understanding" will she be then? Her lack of responsible parenting decisions shouldn't ruin your parenting goals. Allowing sleep-overs is the same faulty reasoning that the parents claim who allow their teens to drink in their homes, "because at least they know where they are!" Every child care expert, along with many studies, shows that this permissiveness does not teach mature behavior.

I may sound like a prude, but actually, I am quite liberal, but well read and experienced in this area. I teach at-risk teens and hear eye-opening stories of sexual missteps, how parents don't give the guidance and limitations that teens crave and need. I have a 14 year old daughter and my teen students often give me advice on how to raise my own daughter.
It's revealing at how sensible their advice can be to me, even if they haven't followed it themselves, or had parents to teach them. What a teen often thinks they want, in terms of freedom, and what they really want are often two conflicting things. Your son may actually feel relieved that you set limits. You have a younger son as well, and you must set firm guidelines for him too.

In the meantime, stick to your principles. Your son will get over his bad attitude; after all, it goes with the ever changing teen emotional landscape. Make sure your son is well educated in sexual matters such as birth control, sexually transmitted diseases, and sexual responsibility. Remember, being your teenagers "best friend" is no substitute for being a good parent. Good luck

A., I recently went to a retreat and one of the speakers their was a woman who specialized in teens and what they are dealing with. One of her books is called "Real Issues Real Teens". Her website is ____@____.com She has interviewed over 900 teens on all kinds of issues. I believe you may find some comfort and answers for your teen and what he is going through as a young man in todays world. It's very different and we don't need to be scared, we need to stay educated on all the issues they are facing. Stay strong on your beliefs and one day he well look back and thank you for your love and protection. I hope this helps. P.

I'm 27 yeasr old and remember being 17, but boy are different and probably doesn't communicate the way us girls do. Ask him whay he wants to spend the night. Why is it it important to him? and if i were you I would be tota;;y honest with hi,/ Tell him your not comfortable with because no matter what the mom thinks it's disrespectful.(and what ever else your feeling are) Then you may have to ask him if he's having sex with her, and no matter how you feel to have to let him know that you wont get mad no matter what the answer is. Talk to him about birth control and std's. You know it is so hard.....i remember thinking that when i was 18 i c ould do what ever i want, but my mom reminded me where I lived, and any way he is so close to that age. you have to feel him out and se what and how you say it. If you cant talk to him about it does he have ab aunt or uncle or older cousin that he might listen to? best of luck.

I also had the same situation when my son was a teenager, first know you son, inside his heart, you know if he is a good person or not. Stick to your guns, it does's matter that he is mad at you, do what is right explaine to him why you are doing this, always follow up with because you love him. Oh my son is now married to this girl for 18 years now, they are both very happy and we are very proud of them. Always be a mother they only have one.

Hi Anna,

Sorry this is late. I hope that your son will learn to associate with girls who have more to offer him besides a sleep over. I would tell my son that this girl has probably been around the block. Pregnancy would be the least of my concerns. What about AIDS and herpes and other STD's that she may already have? Sounds like she is already on birth control due to her Mother's behavior. I would also ask this girls mother how many other boys have spent the night, if her daughter is sexually active, is she using birth control just to get her mother to think about what she is allowing her daughter to be exposed to. Tell your son about your own experience about being a Mom at 17. Tell him if he really cares for this girl he will respect her and her body.

Her mom is an idiot!! I would kindly tell her mother "not" to invite my son to stay at her house because I don't believe in teenage pregnancy. She's asking for trouble big time. Personally, I would make sure my son knows how to use a condom. I would allow him to invite her over to your house for visits, but you better keep an eye on them.
That girl will end up pregnant someday and her "LIBERAL" mom will be taking care of the baby!