MIL ... Favourism... I Want to Loosen Up...?

Favortism is a human thing, we all do it. We favor those that we enjoy being with. To enjoy someone you have to like them, which means they bring laughter and joy to us when we are around them. Not everyone likes us, nor do we like everyone. It's just easier to like people that are easy to get along with. Are your kids at a hard age right now? Maybe they dont listen well or mind well? If they are challenging that might be the reason your MIL avoids them..... something to think about.

I can give you a differant perspective. My MIl favours my kids over her other grandkids. My kids get much more of her time, money, affection. What I'm telling you is not to insult you but to give you an idea of how to change it. My kids are much nicer to gramma than the other kids. When my daughter was young and went to see her, she was very helpful and polite. She would never accept grammas money for helping around the house. The cousins were loud and not very polite and always had thier hand out for money from gramma. So gramma naturally wanted my daughter to come over when she needed help in the garden or whatever. She liked my daughters company and didnt want to spend time with the bratty cousins as much. She loved them, she just didnt like them very much. At 1st the kids didnt notice until the parents pointed it out. Then the kids felt bad and unloved and started making comparisons. They would see my daughter in a pretty dress and say oh gramma mustve bought that for you. They always compared every gift they got to what my kids got - loudly and rudely even though, like you say the gift might be age innapropriate. It had a bad affect on my kids relationship with thier cousins. It made them competitive and not at all like loving family members. The're all grown up now and I can tell you that holding onto those grudges had a bad affect on the cousins. They've always had a chip on thier shoulder and felt like the world owed them something. They are not very successful people now. SO, I say all this to say, don't let your disapointment or irritation show to the kids. They will pick it up and feel unworthy. And try to encourage a closer relationship betweeen them and her. So, yes leave your kids with her. Encourage your kids to honour her with nice gifts, homemade cards, affection, and kind words. Encourage your kids to show her a lot of love and respect. It will make all the differance if you also honour and respect her. This might improve the relationships in your house.

From what I'm seeing.. You and you're children are not being spoiled by your MIL because she doesn't feel you need it. As you stated in sentence 2 of "what happened", she sees you as a strong, educated women and fit mother. She may spoil and pamper your SIL and her daughter, but it sounds to me that you have your MIL's respect. I think that is a much better prize than being pampered.

Congrats on that Momma!!

Just to add. I come from a family that spoiled my brother rotten. Both sets of grandparents pampered my older brother but I never let it bother me because that's not what I was after. My mother told me one time that she honestly believed I would be successful in life... more than my brother ever would. I had her respect and the respect of my grandparents who believed that I was the stronger one. That made up for all the "stuff" I never got.

I can understand how you feel I was the child in your kids situation my grandmother favored my cousin over me and it often made me feel angry as a child and adult I have done my best to let it go so that I do not resent my grandmother or cousin as it was not my cousins fault.

This is one situation you cannot fully control. I also think that mothers sometimes feel this loss when their sons marry and some take it out on their sons wives by feeling they need to compete.

The only thing you can do is move away so that you have a little breathing room, confront her and tell her how you feel in a respectful way away from the house and without the kids, or grin and bear it.

I sometimes dread that my sister in law will have a child because I think the same thing could happen to my child also.

For your children's sake though you should let their grandmother watch them and spend time with them because if you don't give them time with her they will see her as a saint and you will be the bad guy as you never let them spend a lot of time with their grandmother verses them seeing for their own eyes that she favors their cousin over them.

I wish you luck and peace in your home.

Hello, I just wanted to throw in my two cents too. I know that in your culture you live together as a tight net family. But maybe it's time to break away from that. I lived with my in-laws for a year when we got married. (no kids though) It was hell for me!! We got on each other nerves and tension started between me and my MIL. I started pushing my husband for us to start looking for a place of our own. Finally we moved out and we ended up pregnant 5 months later and were so happy that we had her after and not while we lived with them.
So maybe it would be better if you moved out. You could still be a close family just not that close. You could find a house near them (we live like 3 blocks away from my inlaws) but it is so much better. We could go home when things get tense.
Just keep you head up high and try to ignore you mil when she starts up her bitching (that is what helped me get this far). You are a good mother because you take care of your kids and you don't just leave them with her.
Good luck....I hope all works out.

is it that you think your kids will perish in her presence if you are away and she is caring for them? otherwise...favoritism happens. and as much as you may not like it, it may be time for you to not necessarily get over it...but definitely to let it go and move on.

my grandmother (God rest her soul) did not...and i repeat, DID NOT like any of her female granddaughters, nieces, etc. for whatever personal reasons she had (i personally think it stemmed from her own childhood). it didn't make me mad/upset personally (even as a kid)...it just was what it was.

Have you had any problems with her before? Is there an issue or situation in which you had a problem or witnessed something that bothered you. If not, then a date here and there might not be so bad. Are you still in India? The dynamics are probably different because they are living with your BIL/SIL. You are caucasian? I hope it is not an ethnic issue...Have you and your DH done your best to be inclusive with them?