Marriage Finances

Dear S.,

You deserve to be an equal partner in your marriage. A stay at home mother and wife has a job 24/7. If I had to ask my husband for money, I would feel controlled, humiliated, sad and angry.

My next comment is not meant to frighten you. You have been with him for many years, so you know more about him then any of us. I’m saying this to get you to start thinking more about your future and the future of your children.

Your husband’s refusal to put your name on the checking account troubles me because it could be an indication of a number of things:

· He wants to be in full control
· He’s hiding something:
o Actual salary amount (Do you sign the taxes—do you know)?
o Spending habits
o Gambeling
o Drugs/alcohol
o Other women

Have you considered working outside your home, making your own money? Could you work at night and let your husband take care of the children? Is he capable of taking care of the children? If you took a day job, do you have a family member or friend that might help you with low cost or no cost childcare for a while until you build up some savings?

If you do work and stay married tell your husband that you want to have a joint account with him and put both your checks into the account. If he is still unwilling to be an equal team, open your own savings account and start putting away as much as you can. He can keep paying the bills as usual.

S., is your husband abusive in other ways? How is he with the children? When you separated in the past, did he leave or did you? What got you back together? If you needed to leave on the spur of the moment would you have someplace safe to go?

Lastly, I don’t think you are crazy. I do think you need to strengthen your backbone and develop a sense of self-esteem.

I’ll be praying for you and your family.

As he ever given you a reason as to why he doesn't want to add you? My father is horrible at keeping track of his spending and the balance in his account, therefore my step mom refuses to share with him. a friend of mine won't give her husband a debit card, because he isnot very good at keeping track and for them, it is hard to know how much they have when they are spending simultaneously. I am not justfiying his actions, but it might be helpful to know why he does what he does. If it is the typical, I make the money so I am in charge of the money/it's my money...than I think you should "charge him" for your services. If you research how much the things you do would cost him, you can prove your point by making him a bill :-) It's hard to make real suggestions without knowing the reasons why he is doing what he does.

If it is a big enough issue, or there are other issues that make you question your relationship, than you need to talk to him honestly. If you arne't completely straight with him, to the extent that he knows you are questoning the relationship, than he can't fix the problems. There is a big difference between, I think it's silly that you insist on doing money that way, and it's so offensive to me it makes me think about leaving you. Huge difference.

Good luck!!!!

Good advice from the other moms. I think Toni's advice that you get a job is especially good advice. Yes, it's great to stay home and raise your kids - BUT clearly your husband does not view you as an equal. Working will probably not change that, but it does give you options. If you have your own bank account with your own money in it, you will not be dependent on his whims in order to get things you need. And you'll have an escape route should you ever need one. Even a part-time job is helpful, and will give you some current job skills (I don't know how long it has been since you last worked outside your home).

Meanwhile, I like Page's suggestion that you go for counseling. If your husband won't go with you, then go by yourself. There may be any number of reasons that he is not adding you to this checking account, but none of them are good for your marriage. An impartial third party can help you figure out what's going on.

I'm sure there are women out there who don't mind not knowing anything about their family finances - but from my own personal experience, you really do need to know what's going on. If he is running up debt or paying bills late, this will affect your credit score, and should you end up divorcing him, half of that debt will be yours to pay off even though you had no part in creating it. Such is the joy of no-fault divorce.

You can and should get your credit report for free online from the 3 major credit bureaus (Experian, Trans-Union, and Equifax). That will let you know where you stand financially, and will help you make better decisions for your future. My husband is a realtor, and recently he listed a house for a couple who was divorcing. The poor woman had been a stay at home mom to 6 kids, and when her husband filed for divorce, she was shocked to discover that he had been without a job for over a year, and had opened up numerous credit cards under her name and had allowed all of the accounts to become delinquent. You don't want that to happen to you! Knowledge is power. Keep track of your personal credit score, and do what you can to protect yourself.

Lastly, I read a great book about financial planning - "The Wealthy Barber." It is very easy to read and understand, even if you've never done any kind of financial planning before. I was able to read it in a few sittings. It would be worthwhile to pick up the book from the library.

Good luck to you. Please let us know what happens.

In my past marriage I was given an "allowance." I was really frugal back then but he still thought I spent too much, even though I paid the bills and bought the groceries. I remember fighting over buying cheese and juice. I would never allow a situation like that again. It is demeaning. You are already having problems with your husband so there is no easy fix to this - it sounds like the tip of the iceburg on a rocky relationship.

The only solution I can see is counseling.

S.,
I don't think your are crazy, this is a definite control issue. Your in a partnership and he thinks its a dictatorship. You need to talk this through and if he still won't share the money, I would agree get your own money and be ready, as this will also become a big problem. It is the first stage in your husband defining the rules of the relationship. If you do get a job, make sure that you keep your money separate from his, he will more than likely say that you need to put it all together. Again control issues, I'll bet that if you think about this money is not the only control your husband is enforcing on you. Be that WOMAN and stand up to him and for yourself. I hate to say this but it sounds to me like you are already headed for divorce. Remember that this is 2008 and not 1908 we are not just a housewife anymore.
Good luck with this.

I dont think there is anything wrong with you at all. You are entitled to look at that account as much as he is... regardless whether your name is on it or not..When you guys got married you became one.. what's yours is his and what's his is yours.. I find that being very suspicious that he is not allowing you to view the account.. BIG RED FLAG. If there is nothing to hide then it should be a problem for you to look at the account.. period!!

Best of luck,
C.

No i dont think you are crazy at all. Have you tried asking if he can give you an ATM card to his acct? My husband & I have separate accounts but I have access to his. He gave me an ATM card that I use for groceries, diapers, formula etc. I also have internet access to the account to make sure the account has money & I let him know when I spend.... or maybe he can leave you blank checks you can cash when need be. That is how my husband & I work it out. I dont want a joint acct with him cause he's a SPENDER!!! he knows it too so we work around it. Good luck to you on your dilema =)

The fact is... his credit is your credit... BY LAW... you are entitled to know what he's doing with it as you will infact be held responsible for it...

I would read some Suze Orman stuff about this... she addresses this issue OFTEN... he could be destroying your credit for all you know...

This is really not fair...

This is a big red flag. Why does he not want you to access his finances or see what he is doing with the money? I think it is fine to have separate accounts but both people should have access to the accounts. This would not be O.K. with me at all. You are not being a doormat for wanting this- this is not normal. You said you are not doing well lately- what is the reason? I would definitely check up on him.