Marriage Counseling - Sacramento,CA

Well, L. it is up to you if you want the truth or not.
Marriage is work not something to take lightly. It will not always be peaches and cream. If you want there is a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerrich: Love & Respect.

This book is great!!!!!!! I would also look at how long the couple have been counseling. Even if you are not religious Marriage is Biblically based and you can't get around that. You are still young have much to learn.

M.

I dont know where you are based at but I highly recommend Bruce Linton in Berkeley. We went to consult him a few times and it was really great for us. He also organize an awsome father's group.

Bruce Linton, Ph.D.
Marriage and Family Therapist
Director, Fathers' Forum Programs

Mailing Address

1521-A Shattuck Ave. Suite 201
Berkeley, Ca 94709

Telephone

###-###-####

E-mail

____@____.com

http://www.fathersforum.com/index.php?option=com_content&...

Glad you are thinking of counseling.
One thought though.
The woods are full of counselors.
If you aren't religious, this one might not be a good fit.
And it may mean that there are unstated "givens" in the counseling that you wouldn't expect.
For example, do these people have beliefs about the ideal marriage involving the wife's submission to her husband's authority? Are there circumstances under which they would agree a marriage should end, or do they feel all marriages must be saved?
I'd say, agree to begin with that you both have a veto on this or any future counselors, and if you aren't both happy with this set, you commit to looking for another possibility, until you find someone you are both happy with.

Hi L. - i dont want to scare you, but no one else has mentioned this so i will. you need to go to your doctor and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. if he's stupid enough to cheat, he's stupid enough not to wear a condom. my best friend has been involved with a man who is a serial cheater, she turns a blind eye and forgives him every time and he just continues to lie and cheat. about six months ago she came down with some "female" problems that included a rash she could not get rid of. long story short, numerous tests later her doc discovered that she had herpes. she was devastated. she is now FINALLY making him use a condom. unfortunately she is one of those women that is desperate to be loved by anyone even someone that would cheat and lie and give her a social disease. ask your husband to get checked also, and use a condom until you get the test results. please go get checked. some people have no conscience and dont care if they cheat, lie, or spread diseases to innocent people. good luck.

Hi L.

It's great that you are actively trying to do take care of matters. Is there a chance that you can also have individual sessions as well? this way, you have some private time to share with your feelings with an objective party. The affairs are one thing, but knowing that he did this a few years ago and yet you two stayed together and had another child, I would want to ask myself, why I am in this situation. No judgements here, just something I , myself would begin to question and have in the passed.
no matter what you decide, remember, you deserve to have a loyal partner as do your children. Try not to blame yourself and while 25 may seem old to some, in my opinion, it's still very young and there is much to learn about oneself.
I wish you the best of luck
please keep us posted!! :)

As a woman who got divorced & then remarried the same man 4 years later, I'd like to offer some hope. Be open and honest at counseling. Let them help you and do the suggestions they give with an open heart.

Most people have cars, they clean them, take care of them, put air in the tires, get the oil changed and have the engine tuned up regularly, to keep a smooth running machine. Marriages need tune ups too, though we tend to wait until we are in trouble. But they are so much more important than cars! I truly believe in Marriage Enrichment courses. You can contact the Yuba-Sutter Healthy Marriage Coalition or other Marriage Enrichment programs in Northern CA (if that is where you live).

My husband and I regularly attend date nights, parents night out, we get sitters so we can spend time just together. It helps remind us why we married each other in the first place. We all need that. Learning to communicate in each other's language is a major step to being the person your spouse thought you could be!

Helpful books: the 5 Love Languages, Personality Plus. Both of these books help with everyone in your life, not just your husband.

About the 'religious' aspect, don't worry about that part. I'll bet it isn't anything your mind can dream up. If the pastor & his wife want to take their time and help you, let them. I'm thinking your story is one that will be able to help other married people come through some rough stuff.

Take care,
D.

PS. I read your last post, and our divorce was over similar circumstances, with 1 infant girl at the time. It can work, but I can't promise it will be easy. It took a long time for me to trust him, but today we have a great trust relationship, I'm so glad we were able to get the counseling we needed and put it back together. If you need more info, send me a message.

Hi L.- I would find another counselor. If you're not religious why bring religion into it? Also the fact that there's a connection to you husband through the friend isn't good. Find a totally independent counselor with credentials and experience dealing with cheating and deceit within marriage. Also be sure YOU feel totally comfortable with the person. You need to be completely honest and you may need to try more than one before you find the right fit. Good luck and hang in there!

I really think that if you don't trust him that much, for good reason, that you should have him followed. That's what I would do. It's the only way to see what he's doing when he's not around you. I know it sounds underhanded and dishonest, but has he been upfront with you? There's no way to tell. About the marriage counseling, I would go to someone who held the same basic pricipals as you do. Going to someone who is strongly religious, they may see marriage differently than you, or they may have a different set of values. Everyones marriage is different, but they should all be based on a strong friendship, honesty and dependability. You should be able to believe your husband when he tells you something, and the same is true the other way around.

Marriage counseling is a great resource, take it, use it. It helps to hear from someone objective and is trying to help you through the tough times. Don't be afraid because it's a pastor and his wife. The Bible has lots of wisdom in the area of marriage: forgiveness, honesty, faithfulness, self-control, kindness, patience, respect, etc. Knowing that God cares about you and you can turn to Him for help is encouraging and hopeful. The others that wrote that the Bible teaches women to be submissive to their husbands as something negative don't know or understand the context of the Scripture. The verse before that tells everyone to submit to each other in reverence to Christ. The passage also goes on to teach husbands to love their wives so much that they are willing to sacrifice their lives for them. The wifely submission part is so that there is order in the home (one captain of the boat so to speak so that you get to your destination), it doesn't mean she doesn't have any say or value. I hope everything works out for you.

PLEASE, see my response to your initial post from yesterday.

D.-

hi,
(yikes!, I just read the comments on your other post---men are NOT all scum, and even a marriage that starts out rocky can turn out to be very worthwhile, I've seen some like that.)
I have never done marriage counseling, but wanted to throw you some support. You are pretty young, and it can be hard to know what to do about anything at that age--- but I know you are a bit "seasoned" because you have already been a parent for 4 years (and maybe married that long too). I read your other post and there does seem to be some "fishyness" that has gone on (I'm so sorry), but counseling may be helpful...I really hope so!! Hang in there. I think some couples who marry young have problems like this because they (not just the men, either) feel they "missed out" on some years of dating and freedom, and they aren't feeling that "excitement" they used to feel from meeting new potential dates, just the "sameness" everyday, and the responsibility, and maybe they feel old or undesirable, or blah. It can be hard, for women, too, not just men. I know of a few women who flirted and/or cheated, wrecked their families. It's so sad. I wonder what benefit (aside from excitement/danger) your husband really thinks he will gain in his life from this behavior, and what he thinks he will lose---he has already lost his job, could lose his family...Something to think about, in counseling. If your husband can focus on the really good things he already has, maybe he won't be concerned with whatever fantasy he doesn't have. In the meantime, I hope your husband finds another job soon! Good luck.

Hi L.,
I say you go and see the Pastor. You might be surprised on how it all pans out. Just go and and if it is not working out, then find another counselor. Perhaps you have stumbled upon all of this for a reason. I believe that nothing in this life "just happens". God works in mysterious ways and He uses situations to better shape and mold us. Now Im not sure if that means to be married or not not to be. Time will tell but Ive see miracles happen in situations like this. God CAN use all things for the good for those who love Him. Meeting with the Pastor might not only refine your marriage but your own heart as well. You mentioned the Pastor's wife being involved too...that's a blessing. A woman could be comforting.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this but I am a hopeful one and I do believe that good can come out of this. No matter what the outcome. Just be thoughtful and walk through this...with people. Reach out to family, friends. Community is so important, in any situation. This is what life is all about. To encourage one another and to work things out as opposed to giving up, bottling up and walking away. Take steps forward, as you already are by posting this, and reach out no matter how uncomfortable. You will get through this.
I do believe in marriage and I do believe that people CAN and DO change but it comes down to a decision. If your heart does not trust, your spirit leads you to walk away and your husband does not want to change...you can and should walk away. Your husband committed adultery. IN the Bible that is not okay! But its also not okay to just walk away without putting in the effort to work it out. If you run, your problems will just trail behind and you have 2 babies to consider. I hope your husband can become a new man through all of this. Jesus says the "HE makes all things new". You two can be made new but it takes work and choices. I hope you and your husband can fall in love all over again. It IS possible. You need to trust. Go see that Pastor...

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. *HUG*
There are three things that have to be present in a real, long lasting relationship; Friendship, Respect, Trust. If any of those are shaken then your relationship will take a lot of work to fix. Reread your posts, you felt he broke the trust when he kissed the other woman, you don't trust him or you wouldn't be snooping and you very obviously don't respect him.
Notice I said nothing about love in all this? Because real love COMES from those 3 things!
Why am I going on and on about that? Because you have to have something to think about, talk about, before you go into the counselor. Ask your husband what an important relationship looks like. Don't be afraid of counseling, it is very helpful! That is, unless the pastor and his wife only say "we will pray for you" (been there, done that) because you need more than prayer, you need guidance. Be aware that your husband has to be willing to do this on his own, be sorry for what he did and make an effort to make things better otherwise all the counseling in the world won't help your marriage. Don't be afraid to talk things out with the minster and his wife, that is what counseling is all about.
I would recommend a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of a Marriage" by Laura Schlesinger. Read, think, grow.
Good luck!

Good for you and your husband! That is the first step. Marriage counseling is important at any point in a marriage, and sometimes just for maintenance. If you are going to a Pastor for marriage counseling, there will be a spiritual component. I would be open minded to what they are going to share and ask of you. Stay determined and it will all work out!
Good luck.

Dear L.,

I am sorry to read about your situation. I am glad, for your sake, that your husband has agreed to counseling. I haven't been through marriage counseling, but I have been in counseling for other issues... and I went to a session (as a grown up) with my divorced mother to try to help her out. Some things to keep in mind through this process are 1- the counselor only knows what he or she is told. He does not know you well enough to "guess" or "fill in the blanks", so you have to disclose everything, even if it is embarassing or uncomfortable- and so does your husband. 2- people will not change if they do not want to and if they do not work at it. The fact that your husband has agreed to go is promising, but it is not a guarantee that he will change or that your relationship will significantly improve. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out. You are trying, and you are doing the best you can by your kids. It is easy to play the blame game and the "I deserve this" game when you are working hard to fix things. Be strong for yourself and your girls. You said that if they weren't in the picture, you would be out of that relationship- so if the counseling seems not to be working out, let your mind focus on what it will be like as a single mom instead. There are many amazing single moms out there that can be your role models.

Wishing you the best- whatever that may be!

M.

Oh L., run don't walk from this. You don't need the bias of a person who is both religious and related in some way to your husband. If you decide you need support other than friends and family, look for experienced, objective, professional counselors. Best to you.

Just because the counsellor is Christian based doesn't mean he's going you whack you with a Bible or make you take communion. If you explain what you are comfortable with as far as religious references - if he's a good counsellor he will respect your wishes. give this referral a try - worst case scenario - he's not a good fit for you but you've now learned what to expect and what type of questions to ask your next one.
any type of therapy takes commitment on your part and effort, you will be asked some tough questions and given things to think about. This won't be like Dr. Phil where everything is fixed in 60 minutes.

I read your other post and I just wanted to say that adultery tends to be a symptom of other issues in a marriage rather than the main problem. And that people CAN change if they really want to.

I also wanted to say that while having an outside person to see things maybe neither one of you can see isn't a bad thing, I think I'd tend toward someone who is specifically trained to deal with these kinds of issues over a pastor/priest. Not that some don't have additional training in counseling, I'm sure they do. I just feel that maybe someone with no other agenda might be a better option.

Then again ... I gave up christianity for lent several years ago ... so I could be a little biased against the clergy and their ability to be fully neutral :)

Hi L. counseling is a great idea however for it to be successful you both have to be honest and put the casrds on the table. If it is a pastor he will most likely use some bible references. You don't have to religious to hear from the Word. Take a notebook and pen so you can get down anything that strikes you. You may want to write down prior what the problems are as you see them and have him do the same. Note what things are a deal breakker for you and if there are intimacy issues dont be afraid to talk to them with a pastor as they too deal with sex issues. Rent the movie Fireproof it is an awesome movie. It is religion based but is great and will leave both of you thinking.

Read your other post and I think I may have responded to your or other similiar posts. I can only imagine the dilemma you are going through. Yes, marriage is a great ordeal and it requires a lot of work even for the most understanding and committed to each other partners. You have already taken the big step to address the issues and if you keep going, it will keep getting better.

If you can make the time to read, I highly recommend reading Susan Page's books - If we are so in love then why aren't we happy and how one of you can bring the two of you together. Susan has also written some other books on marital relationships. She is based in Berkeley and offers counselling. I would recommend her anytime. She is the most well rounded person and understand religous issues as well. Another book I recommend is The Secret Laws of Attraction by Talane Meadner. She is a life coach and offers advise on lifecoach.com. And yet another book is dance of connection by Harriett(sp). She is also a counselor but I think she is based in New York, but her book is excellent.

Wishing you well,
-Rachna

Hi L.,

Marriage counseling, or any other counseling can only be as successful as you make it to be. It sounds like you and your husband have many issue's to work through, and re-capture the love that was once apparent in your marriage. If the love AND respect are still there, even in small amounts, then you two have a great chance of making this work. A few things I would recommend for you, as the wife:

1) Be honest. Be honest with your husband, the pastor, and most importantly yourself. Only your honest feelings & emotions can resolve the issue's.

2) Don't expect your husband to be able to "read your mind". Tell him directly what you want to say, and do not "dance around" your words. That will create more problems for you, as your husband will misunderstand you, and you will get more mad at him for that :O)

3) Leave the "religion" out of it. Don't be intimidated by the fact the this person is a Pastor. For you, he is someone willing to help, and that's a great starting point.

That's it. Being nervous is normal, and it's part of the healing process. It's "embarrassing" to think that someone is going to know your most intimate troubles. But, in order for the healing to try to begin, you need to let that go and "not care" what their judgement is. You are not going in to be judged.

A pastor knows that IF you are there to work on your marriage, then there are problems. He will be prepared to hear "the worst". There will be no judgement on his part, and if there is, you will need to go elsewhere.

Try to leave the past behind, in order for you to work on your future. You are making the decision to forgive your husband, obviously, or you wouldn't be attempting counseling. Stick to your decision and fight for what you love.

Many blessings are sent your way.

~N. :O)

At this point if you want to save your marriage, then go. Just because he was recommended by your husband's friend doesnt mean a thing, but that his friend is concerned and wants to help out. And its not about religion, but its about how God can use anyone to save your marriage, but of course you do the work. There are just people who are older and wiser, and have been through some "stuff" and know what they are talking about. I wish you the best, and hope you make the right choice.

God Bless.

Hi L.,

I just went to counseling and was feeling the same aprehension before going. Although it was through my mosque, the psychiatrist actually avoided discussing spiritual issues because they were not the reason why I was there. I've know pastors that were the same way. The counselor should guide the session so you don't have to worry about what to say. This is a very positive step and if you don't feel comfortable with this counselor you can always switch. Good luck to you and your family.

Much love,
Jasmine