Living with a Disability or Deformation? How Do You Handle It Daily?

Who says you have to hide this? You are choosing to make this a rule. Many people have deformaties that can't be hidden. They don't stay home and hide, and the world is a better place because of their presence, in my opinion.

My ex is missing the first two fingers on his right hand because he was electrocuted in Army basic training. He could have chosen to shake hands with his left, but doesn't. It is very obvious to people when he does shake that his hand is deformed. Children ask him about it all the time. Oh well. My BIL lost his right arm when he was three in a farm accident. He wears a prosthesis with a hook. He also does physical work for a living, home construction projects for fun, rides motorcycles and snowmobiles, and is an expert downhill skier. There is no way to hide a hook. Oh, and he also has a glass eye from an accident with a horse at age 11.

Have you heard of NieNie? She is a young mother who was in a plane crash and burned 80% of her body a few years ago. You should read her blog, she has learned how to live as a wife/mother with a completely different appearance. She is real and honest, and it is very humbling to read. She has 4 young children and her focus in life is continuing to be their mother. She talks a LOT about how hard it was to overcome her lack of outward beauty (especially when she was SOOO beautiful before the accident). She has learned how to find TRUE beauty in life. nieniedialogues.blogspot.com

My sister has a rod in her back and one leg shorter than the other (she was born with spina bifida). At 4 ft 11 inches she has to walk with crutches and people frequently stare at her.

Your situation sounds tough, but some people have it tougher - not to minimize your pain at all which is justified. Just think, though, at least you have a chance to look "normal" - some women don't. Though she'd never say it I'm sure my sister would love to have one day of her life where people/children didn't stare.

My sister has gone on to make a great life for herself. She's married (the only one of us who hasn't been divorced) and has two amazing kids. She's also a CPA. Life is what you do with it.

I'm so sorry you're hurting with this and I hope it gets better for you and you find some peace.

I love what Jo said, "I promise you others don't see you as harshly as you see yourself." I try very hard to remember this. I do not have a disability but I get very down on myself sometimes, mostly with weight and body issues. My stomach is all stretched out from having babies and is not very pretty. Can you imagine though if every time I wanted to go swimming, I "got mad" at my kids (or myself) for "ruining" my body with pregnancies? I think we ALL have something about us that we fear is unattractive and that everyone is staring at, and for the most part, nobody else even notices! My mom is CONSUMED with hair- she has thin hair and I swear she obsesses over how wonderful her life would be if she had thick flowing hair. My mom is a BEAUTIFUL lady and I would bet there is not a person on this planet who thinks her hair looks "too thin". My bro's fiance has a very flat back of the head, you cannot tell unless she pulls her hair up, but it is from her parents never picking her up as a baby. I never would have noticed if she had not specifically pointed it out. Hell, even Megan Fox who apparently every man in the world is in love with has a deformed hand. I guess what I am getting at is, focus on your good points, don't worry so much about what everyone else is thinking- chances are, we are all focused on our own issues and not yours!- and see what you can do to release your anger at your parents.

I have several issues and several 'life scars'.

I was born 6 weeks preemie. When I was 15m old and started toddling, I dragged my foot. They ran tests and discovered that I had Cerebral Palsy. Don't know what caused it or when.

In my 37 years I have had many surgeries:
- three surgeries on my left leg. Each left a scar. I didn't do the physical therapy like I should and when I was in HS after my 3rd surgery, my leg muscles attrified. This means that my leg is like a stick, while my right leg is fine and the muscles are overdeveloped.
- 2 pregnancies that left 'watermelon' stretch marks on my belly. So much for a bikini!!
- in Oct. of last year I had emergency back surgery that left a 4 inch scar on my back.

So much for the mini skirts and crop shirts! These are my life scars. I try to wear pants instead of shorts and skirts, but that's not always possible. So I have to suck it up and just go. If I worried about what other thought, I would miss walking the beach with my kids, swimming with my kids, enjoying life with my kids.

- I have a friend that has a glass eye. Can't hide that!
- I have a friend with dark skin that has an iron deficiency, so she has pale blotches on her face and arms. Can't hide that!
- there are older ladies that I see on the train with male pattern baldness. That don't hide it. I feel bad for them, but they aren't bothered.

You don't say how dramatic your misshape is, but it may be that the issue is more a problem in your mind then others. Has your husband commented on it? Have you thought of going to a cranial specialist and see if they could help restructure your skull? They are able to do amazing things these days.

What memories will your 5y have of you? A mom that was carefree and fun? Or a mom that was always messing with her hair? Or a mom that wouldn't do things with him/her because she worried what others (whom you probably won't see again!) would think.

Try a liberating excercise. The next time you go out to the store, go somewhere that you don't normally go. Don't fix your hair. See how you feel. See how you are treated. Coming to terms with your appearance with be a weight and worry off your shoulders.

Hugs.
M.

Are you sure that other people would even notice? I have what I consider to be some pretty significant scars on my face (car accident, 55 stitches, one wound they couldn't stitch so that left a big scar) and I was so embarrassed to be seen with my scars. As time went on I started to feel a little differently. They are my battle wounds. You know what else? Most people never even notice them! And then...if I bring it up, they squint and say they never would have noticed If I hadn't brought it up.
From that same car accident I had cellulitus in my leg which resulted in a big ol' scar and my other leg is all bulbous from scar tissue. I have 2 c-section scars, 4 scars from my gallbladder removal, crusty feet (they are BIG too...size12!), and every once in a while I am able to pull glass out of my face and arms from the above mentioned car accident.
I am very very critical of myself, aren't we all, but really mama....you are killing yourself over something that probably no one else would even notice...or care about. Why do you care what other people think? Or what other people say? Throw your hair up in a ponytail and breathe.
L.

I just want to tell you that when I was 12 years old I was in a car accident and had brain damage with paralysis on my right side. It happened and I can't go back. I make the best of what I have and continue to look at what I can do. I had to learn to do most everything over again and at such a young age things were not very easy. Kids had no idea what was going on so I had to deal with all the bullying and teasing plus getting myself on the right track. It is ok! It made me who I am. Most people can not even tell that I was ever in such a terrible accident. My right side lags a little and I used to be right handed and now I am left handed. I have done hard hard work in my life so most things don't scare me. I have a few memory issues but repetition is definitely one of my best friends. The nerve damage could never repair itself so I can't raise one of the sides of my mouth as high as the other when I smile and I have a little double vision in some spots. Most of all I AM A STRONG STRONG PERSON!! I am who I am and some people just hate me but that is because they want to be just like. I've overcome my disabilities, for the most part, and looked deep inside myself to see how I can grow. I would just suggest that you smile and be proud of who you are and teach your son to realize that things you have no control over do not matter but are a part of you to make you strong. I am also in my 40's and my daughter is 20. She is a strong, strong person. I wish I was as strong as she is at such a young age!! She scares me..... LOL I know we could argue all day long because she is pretty much the picture of me. I have to choose my battles.

Just look at your head as part of who you are. It is not going away so you should accept it. I can almost guarantee you that people do not notice it like you do. We are all grown ups and do not have to put others down to make ourselves look good. (Well, most of us!! LMAO) A pretty smile matters most!!

Just from reading your story it sounds like you need to make peace with your anger. Your deformity looks worse because of your anger. Just like my childhood was the worst ever because of what my mother put me through and my dad not stopping her. I swear to you the minute I honestly let go of the anger I was able to remember all the good times as a child, I couldn't before.

Anger makes everything ugly. :(

I have a real disability, or so they say, every day I try to be the best person I can, what more can any of us do. I promise you others don't see you as harshly as you see yourself.

I don't have a deformity, but if it makes you feel any better, most people have to fix their hair every day. My hair isn't very thick, and looks terrible when I wake up each morning, so I have to wash and dry and spray it every day to not look like a mess. I think people with thick, luscious hair are so lucky, they can save months of their lives not having to do their hair -- just throw it up in a ponytail or bun when they need to.

And I've found that even people with tons of hair feel the need to fuss over it. So, deformity or not, you're not alone.

I have been sensitive about aging (I'm now 63), probably because for most of my life people didn't think I looked my age. But I do now, by George! In spite of that, I notice that my husband still adores me, not my looks. My friends still like me, not my looks. And in a way, it's actually become comforting that I don't have to try to keep looking younger. I can't unwrinkle, I can't unsag, but life is short, and I'm gonna keep on living it with as much enthusiasm as I can.

My husband has a congenitally corkscrewed back. He tried for decades to conceal it with clothing, and felt very self-conscious about it. When I met him, in his 30's, he commented on how ugly he must look the first time we went to the beach. But you know, I fell in love with this man for who he is on the inside, and I also fell in love with him for who he is on the outside. I adore his back, love to touch it, memorize its unique contours, rub it when it aches. I would actually miss his back if he could suddenly get it straight.

I'll bet there are people in your life who would accept and love your skull for what it is – a unique part of you. Don't know if that helps, but it seems to me tha life is probably too short to spend too much of it tied up in knots over something you can't change.

I have scars on my chin and don't go anywhere without the Dermablend coverup concealer on them. So, I understand what you mean. I also had to go out in public with a metal grate over one eye after emergency eye surgery. There was nothing to do to cover that up, so I just reminded myself I was entitled to go outside and if people thought I looked strange, so be it. I channeled my frustration at how I looked into more of an empowerment feeling, like the world has no right to judge me.

I know we see our imperfections more than anyone else does, too. Most people are so fixated on themselves, they honestly don't notice what's going on with others. They're thinking about whether their shorts are making their legs look fat, whether people see that zit on their forehead or whatever the insecurity might be. If they're not concerned about their own appearance, they're thinking about other things affecting their lives. Try to keep that in mind as you get ready to leave the house each day.

Have you ever talked to your parents about it?
Told them how you feel?