Isn't Her Sister Just as Important as Me and Dad?

Girls NEED time with their Dads, when their Dads are good to them. One extra night with her Dad is better, then one one less night with her sister.

One night will not inhibit a bond...
You are paranoid about something that you don't need to be.

I think the bond will be there regardless, and I also think that a relationship at that age with a parent is much more important than with a sibling. If one extra night away would ruin their bond, than there are bigger issues than the younger one's dad wanting her that night.

I think you are lucky to have her dad that involved in her life and you should have let her go. It would not have ruined any relationship between your 2 girls.

how would one night wreck the relationship between siblings, considering they already know about the dual household situation?
if you don't want your daughter to go on an unscheduled visit, it's okay to say no. but the bonding thing is a non-issue. she lives with her sister. bonding is inevitable. i think it's nice that the dad saw you were tired and offered you a break.
khairete
S.

Wow, a father stepping up to the plate and offering to take his child for a while on a night that isn't on his schedule so that the mom could get some rest AND he expresses to you exactly how important she is to him. Yet you turned him down?

Your daughters bond every day. It's quality time for them, not quantity. But with a baby and her father that aren't living together, they really do need to spend as much time together when the father is willing and able to take responsibility. He sounds like a good father, and to push him aside because you think a sibling relationship "might" falter because your baby's father wants to take her for a night when it's not on the calendar because he noticed you're tired just sounds mean and vindictive.

I'm just really surprised that you'd place any relationship above fostering one between your baby and her father.

At one year, the most important people are her parents. There is time later for them to bond, and time when there isn't a crazy school night to spend time together. Bonding for your kids is going to come when they are both able to communicate and interact. Otherwise, it's just the moments now that are important--holidays and special occasions that they share. If you're tired, you should allow her father to help out. You're fortunate in that regard, use it to its full advantage.

Having two little sisters...I can GUARANTEE you as a child I would MUCH RATHER have spent more one on one time with a parent. Siblings will love and hate each other no matter what - and they are stuck with each other either way. They have the next 10 years (atleast) to bond, if you have them both living with you.I think fostering the bond between dad and daughter is way more important!

Just my opinion, but sounds like the issue is way bigger/different than this. If not, you need to thank your lucky stars that you found a man who is willing to put himself aside to help with your daughter. I would hope this is about something else...otherwise I think you were out of line (just my opinion).

I think since she is getting to see the sister on a more regular basis, an extra night with dad every now and then will not hurt their bond. Older sister might miss her a little, so pop in a movie and have extra snuggle time. The more time little sis gets to spend with dad, the better the bond will be. She really is not getting too much time with dad if you think about it, so, I think an extra night every now and then would be great for the relationship between dad / one year old. You should really think about that. :)

I think it's fantastic your ex offered to take you daughter - very "unguy" like to see that you're tired and offer like that. So I'd probably apologize if it turned into an argument. He was being nice. In terms of the bigger issue, I think fostering the relationship between him and his daughter is much more important than her sister especially at this point. I think more people end up on a therapist's couch because their father was absent than because they're not close to a sibling. In addition, if I read right, the siblings spend way more time together anyway so there's more risk your daughter won't be close to her father than her sister. So in this case, I think the dad was right.

I can't imagine that the children don't see enough of each other. They live together, see each other daily, and will always be close. There is a big age difference so they aren't going to playmates, but that doesn't mean you have to worry about them. As the little one gets older and can do more things, they will engage much more. Perhaps you are worried that they don't do a lot now? But the little one is only 1! I am sure that, as she grows, she will rely on her big sister.

I know how much my husband missed his children from his first marriage, and how little time every other weekend and 1 night a week are. I think it would have been wonderful for you to give the dad an extra night with the little one, get some rest yourself, and have some special time with the older one (which I realize you get on the visitation schedule as is, but still). Sometimes an unscheduled break in a tight schedule is a benefit to everyone else.

I think that you are hurt that the dad seemed to reject the importance of your child's sister. She's not his child but you felt she was dismissed by him. Perhaps he didn't mean that. Even if he did, I'm not sure it solves anything by expecting him to acknowledge the needs of the older child. It's wonderful that he loves his daughter and wants to spend more time with her, and it's nice that he saw that you needed a break. So many men don't do those things and you should celebrate that this one does.

Maybe it would be better to say that the two most important ROLE MODELS are you and him. It would be great for the children to see you both cooperating and helping each other out with the child care on an as-needed basis and not just on the visitation schedule.

These sisters see each other an awful lot, more than the little one sees her dad. As much as you worry that they will not have a bond, imagine how much the dad feels about the need to have a bond with his daughter. Imagine how much she will need a strong male role model as she gets older and starts choosing men for herself. Let both girls see that a man can be a nurturer and a giving person.

I think you made an issue of something that really didn't need to be an issue. It was ONE night. One little night. You could have "bonded" with your 8-year-old alone. You're wasting a lot of energy on one silly little thing, in my opinion. It won't get easier as they get older, and you'll have to learn (and the kids will too) to be more flexible.

I don't really understand. The sisters are together almost every night and you're worried that one night apart would be a big deal? I think it's so nice the father wanted to help by taking his 1 year old. If the sisters are together all the time versus only every other weekend and one day a week for the father, they're getting a lot more sibling time. It's been studied that the father-daughter relationship is incredibly important for a woman's feelings of self-worth so I would do everything possible to foster that. There's a big age difference between the girls so there likely will be ups and downs in terms of how close they are but they have years to develop that relationship.

My 2 daughters have different dads. One is out of the picture completely, the other sued me for custody. My daughters have been raised as twins... they don't know the term 'half sibling'. When we went to court I requested a guardium ad litum and explained that the girls have NEVER spent a night apart. The guardium ad litum agreed, and told the bio dad that if he wanted to have his daughter every other weekend, he had to agree to take her sister as well. I fought tooth and nail for my girls to stay together, because it breaks their little hearts to be apart. It makes me sad to see them both go, but it calms me knowing they're together :)

I think you made an issue out of a non-issue. Couldn't she have gone to spend the night? You could have spent quality time with your eight year old. They will always be siblings--- they have their whole life ahead to spend all their time together, your one year old could have benefited from bonding with daddy. IMO

M

If that was really all tha twas said, then I think he really overreacted/jumped to conclusions. And yes you are right about their sister relationship.

However, he probably just got his feelins hurt because he was was trying to help and looking forward to seeing her. That is from a good place. Let it go, or tell him, of course your relationship is important, it is just the sisters were expecting to see each other and I think that is really good for them both. I'm sorry that it sounded like I thought that was more important than you seeing her. That is not my intention.

Here's what I've found is easier: Don't give reasons why you don't want to do something, then it just becomes a debate. If it wasn't his night to have her then just say no. Don't give him a reason or excuse because then it becomes about something else other than what it was originally about. You could debate all day about who's more important, but you will wind up just going in circles because no one is going to give in.

The question I would have is does the 8 y/o spend time with her father? How close of a relationship does your 1 y/o dad have with the 8 y/o. If they really aren’t close I wouldn’t force the issue as your 8 y/o may feel like a consolation prize.
My 17 y/o hasn’t seen her bio father in 11 yrs but the bio great grandmother has always been active in her life. Last June they went to my sisters while I was away working and the great grandmother lives nearby. The request was made to take my 17 y/o out for the day and I agreed. The great grandmother bought my younger two gifts but did not take them out with her, nor did I expect her to.
Blended families are tough to deal with sometimes but it will not hurt your kids if you explain to them early on the situation in terms they can understand.

I agree with you about the importance of the sibling relationship. Had -- not the same but similar - situation and with about the same age difference. Long after we parents are gone, the sisters will still have each other. They loved each other so much growing up, and the baby used to want all her dolls even to have sisters. They played with each other in spite of the age difference until the older was in high school. And she was away many weekends, but they still loved each other so much. Then they went through a period of time not liking each other, then as adults they are again best friends. I am so grateful they have each other.

I also realize that one more night away would not have done any damage, but the question you asked seems bigger than this one night.

It hurt my older daughter so much that HER relatives ignored her younger sister. They could've had an extra child in their family - the younger - but chose to exclude her. I was glad that they still had a huge extended family that embraced them both.

Right now, it doesn't matter. The pain when the older daughter realized it didn't happen until she was in middle school. As for the younger, she knew before she hit preschool, but I taught her "it's OK." and she accepted that. But your ex is wrong in the long run - the sibling relationship can be equally important.

btw - I did not grow up much with some of my brothers but we are all still very very close, and our relationship with each other is very strong and important.