I Love My Hubby So Much but My Sex Drive Is Dead!

First off, get a new doctor. It could be a medical problem and if they are not going to take you seriously, then find someone new. You should never ever leave your doctor's office feeling humiliated. Secondly, relax. Sometimes just giving him attention that isnt necessarily sex is a way to let him know that you still care for him, like a back massage. It also could be that you are more bored with it then not in the mood, so try some different things, like get some trivia cards and for every right answer, your husband has to do something to you that you enjoy, and vice versa. Nothing for wrong answers. Strip trivia is just as fun, but instead when you get the answer wrong, you have to remove an article of clothing. Be creative. There are many books out there too, like was meantioned that can give you other ideas. Buy him some silky boxers. Pity Valentines is over, they had lots of cute ones out, one year I bought mine some glow in the dark ones, which was fun. But the most important thing to remember is not to force YOURSELF into it. There are many many ways to be intimate without sex and it can be satifying to both of you. Dont feel guilty, because we all go thru it. Good Luck!

One of the things that has helped me is reading spicy books. You could read to him but mostly to yourself. Something with a little sex in it. One good author is Susan Johnson she is good. I check out Cosmo’s web site and look up books on their book club and then just go to the library and get them. When you read about it you still get the picture. It kind of takes you somewhere else. And if you read to your husband then he can hear what turns you on.

Also you can rent a hotel room for a night. And well you know what. Or just go for a drive and (just you and your husband) and park. Good old fashion parking. You don’t have to go all the way but it will make you feel young again. Then when you get home well I’m sure you get the picture.

I am going through something close to what you are but my husband is in school and I work nights so I only sleep with him 2 nights a week. Classes can really stress him out so it can be a little frustrating for the both of us. Sometimes it’s just easier not to have sex. But once we get going it is really good. Really, really good. It's just getting warmed up. And back in touch with each other.

Something that you might want to try is make a list of the wonderful things that you and your husband use to do that made you feel good. And have him do the same thing. Maybe make a list of the things you like now and one thing that you would like to change. And you said that he is supportive so I'm sure he would be willing to do the list.

Make a date even if it's just Thursday night at home where something that makes you feel sexy. Also something you may want to try is 52 nights of sex and they have a romance one. They are pretty cool and adds a little spice in to the mix.

Sometimes you just need to get the juices flowing. If you think that it might be something else like depression or even just the winter blues talk to your dr. Or see a different dr. Was that your family dr or your gynecologist? Have you changed your birth control?

Anyway sometimes it comes and goes. And I’m sure you will be back on top in no time. I hope some of this has helped.

Hi T.:

I read the request yesterday from a wife talking about the "nagging wife" and one of the responses helped me so very much in my own life that I would love for you to read it too. This lady that responded had quoted a book and it was just amazing. If you don't have that response i'll be glad to copy and paste it and send it to you personally. It touched on your situation as well as others. I think it's fantastic.

God bless you!!
T.

T.
even though i am not married, and i am 26 years old, i too am going through the EXACT same thing. i mean i want to have sex, but when it comes down to doing it...i could careless. my bf thinks its him no mater how many times i tell him that its me. i thought i was the only one who felt like this...hopefully we can work out our problem and get past this little hump in the road of life!!
R.

Hi I am also 39 and having the same problem. You have gotten many responses that i agree with, for me I had all checked out im good to go there but I'm still not in the mood so what my hubby and i do is... I am anal about keepin appointments so we make an appointment for sex and i keep it and we try to use different ideas to spice those up and well once we are started things are great. I think for me its getting started because i am tired i just had 9 surgeries in 12 months and now i have taken in my 18 yr old daughter and 2 month old grandson. So once i get going the going is good. Try some stress relieving excercises and spicy ideas and get things checked out for hormonal problems and things. Good luck to you.

T.,
I think you should consult another doctor. I can't believe this is common.

Hi T.!
Don't feel embarrassed about this. It happens to the best of us!! JoDee had some excellent ideas! To add to hers, maybe it's time for a good old fashioned erotic massage. Set the stage with a candle-light dinner. You can always try strawberries dipped in chocolate and fed to each other, it's not only fun but very sensual too. When I've gone through this, relaxing seems to be the key. So find something that clears your mind of all the everyday stress and relax. Put your nose in a good romance book to spark your internal juices flowing then go nuts. LOL! There's a website with some great ideas to get you going: www.lovingyou.com It's packed with ideas and you can even sign up for daily emails. My daughter, of all people, told me about this site and it's just wonderful! Not slutty, romantic. Check it out, and remember...relax!!!

Just Me!
S.

I am not sure if I will be of help or not, but I will try...I went thru this after our first child was born and can relate. I discussed it with my doctor and I was also having trouble sleeping. He referred me to a family counseler. I was having a difficult time shifting from mother to partner. I also was under alot of unneeded stress. I had to pick and choose my battles and reconnect with my husband. I know your kids are older so maybe this isnt exactly the same thing, but maybe what he told us to do will help. Instead of knowing that everything had to lead to sex we needed to back up and reconnect in other ways. It would take the pressure off of me having to perform this "chore" and my husband feeling like he was undesireable. We talked and supported each other in what was going on in our lives, and even if we just held hands or sat next to each other watching tv we took it off the actual act. You can start as slow as you both feel comfortable with, but wait a few weeks before actually having sex. Its can be hugging, kissing, or just looking into each others eyes. I know this sounds really corny writing this, but things have really turned around. I would tho go back to your doctor or someone else and make sure that there isnt any medical condition causing this. Otherwise see if you are under more stress than usual, are you deep down upset with him, or whatever and just back off and take the pressure off and reevaluate what really matters in the relationship. And guys are just more hormone driven anyways so you arent alone in feeling like its a chore. When life gets in the way something suffers and usually its the intimacy. I hope it gets better and that you might get some advice that works for you. Good luck, T.

It's funny cause as I was turning on the computer today, I was thinking about my lack of a sex drive. I have a son who's 14 months, and since he's been born sex has become, like you said, more of a chore than a pleasure. I wish I had some kind of advice, but I don't. I'm just as concerned about it as you are and also worry about what the effects will be like for my marrriage. I just wanted to respond and let you know that you're not in this alone, there are ALOT of couples I know going though the very same thing and we all have no good ideas about what to do. Hopefully you'll get some good advice and pss it along this way.

Hi,
I know that you have gotten a lot of responses, but the more the marrier, right?! I just wanted to say, like others, I have the same problem! I am 25 and have a one year old. She is very clingy and by the time she goes to bed, I don't even want my husband to touch me! It's like, can I just have my own space for five minutes!? I have discussed this with him and he is better about giving me my space, but then we get into bed and he starts rubbing up on me and stuff and I just wish I had a "Get Out of Jail Free Card" or something! NOT interested, AT ALL! I feel bad, because I know it effects him, but what am I supposed to do? So, anyways, I have been struggling with depression/anxiety and am starting to take St. Johns Wort. That has really helped with my overall mood and energy. And it's a way to help that is easy and 'non-prescription'. (Not that I am against prescribed drugs, this just has less side effects and is easier.) Well, anyways, this probably doesn't help a whole lot, but just know that you are not alone!
Good luck!
R.

I was reading stories on milehighclub.com the other day, definitely a good warm up! I also know that lots of birth control hormones make your sex drive disappear. I always like to try things that are free and natural first. Everyone else had good suggestions of different Dr's and some steamy novels.

Hi T. my name is L. I have the same problem as you and have had this problem since my hubby and I got back together after high school. We went to get help but it didnt help us at all. Im not interested in doing it either but enjoy it I dont start nothing my hubby does it does seem like a chore to me also. We still do it often but I dont have a sex drive either not sure what to do about it. This has been going on now for 6 years. I dont have advise for you but I want you to know your not alone in this at all I guess it is common for people to go through this even men go through it also. I wish I had the answer for you and me both but I dont. If you get any advise or help let me know and I will do the same for you.
But hopefully your hubby can understand, sex isnt everything in a marriage its a part but not everything. My hubby understands at least I wanted to get help with it. If your hubby doesnt understand then it may seem that is more important to him then your marriage and you. Just communicate with him and hoepfully he will be understanding and not let this ruin your happy marriage.

Stress. Do something for you and only you, something that will make you feel pretty. A massage or a facial or a pedicure, whatever works for you. If you're stressed and tired and not feeling attractive, you won't feel sexy.
Another wonderful thing: Zestra. It's a little pricey (about $20 for nine packets), but I swear it will help get you in the mood, first physically, then emotionally!!! You can get it at Walgreens.

T., I've been experiencing something of the same. I had a partial hysterctomy for cervical cancer a year ago. My naturopath said that I could possibly slide into menopause because of the shock of the surgery and a piece being missing. I would suggest looking into menopause solutions. I have been looking into the blue and black cohosh route.

I personally would have my hormone levels checked. I have PCOS and when my hormones are out of whack I have no sex drive at all! Just my thoughts.

Hi T.,
I just read some of the responses to your problem. First and foremost, I would change doctors. And secondly, there may be something deep down emotionally that may be making you feel this way. Lack of a sex drive, is what I swear my husband is going through, NOT ME! At my age, one would think that the sex drive would be tapering off, but it seems like for me, I want it all the time, to which, my husband who is pushing 50, just can't understand. Our situation is similiar to the one reader...we only sleep in the same bed all night long together 2 nights a week. I want it and he's in zzz land. Try some of the readers suggestions...read a sex book, rent a motel room, watch a seductive movie, massage...ANYTHING is worth a try. I truly wish you the best of luck.

NO, your not alone.
Find another doctor and have him do a blood test to see
if your testosterone level is low.
The Doctor can prescribe you a cream to use.
The Pharmacists takes a pill and crushes it into some
hand cream. It is expensive.

You don't mention if you have had an exam lately.
Go into your OB/GYN and have one. Make sure you don't
have any Fibroids or Polyps.

They do blood tests to check the levels of Estergen and Testosterone.

If there is anything that helps to get you in the mood use it.

They say they understand and will work with it but when it comes down to it, they only think with that little head.

Good Luck!

Sometimes just trying to spice it up and him being more romantic can make it better. I mean if it feels like a chore then it is no fun right? So why not make it fun? I know this might sound crazy but have you maybe thought of a semi public place???? I had the same issue in my marriage until a hotel hot tub (yes the one in the pool room) where there was nothing but windows all over where people could look in from the hall way but yet it was like 11pm so it was dead. But it was exciting for we knew we could get caught. :) TMI right? LOL

If your Dr. made you feel uncomfortable about it then maybe seeing a different Dr. is a better idea (female one at that). It could be hormones...... chemical inbalance....... or just maybe stress. If you feel it is a chore then maybe your body feels it is a obligation. Have you tried a romantic get away?

T.,
I know what you are feeling. My husband and I have been going through this for years. We were desparate and near divorce. We had tried couples therapy, testosterone creams, etc. We finally found an article about Dr. David Snarch a sex therapist. We went to him and it was amazing. Acutally we were featured on a Dateline special. Dateline recorded all of our therapy sessions and follow ups etc. This man has changed our lives! I think that there are more emotional issues that have to do with sex drive then most people think. Definitely get a new doctor and have hormones checked but also think about seeing a therapist like Dr.Snarch. He also has a couple of books as well. This is very - very common! Dateline received so many responses from viewers after the special aired. We were hoping that it would save our marriage and help others and it did.
Take Care,
Tam

T.,
I understand about the sex drive! I also am 39 and mine is dead as well. However, I am taking medication for depression and that is part of the problem. The other part is hormones. You need to find a new gynecologist because he/she should NOT have even batted an eye about your question. That is COMPLETELY normal and something you SHOULD be able to talk about freely and comfortably with him/her. There are hormone supplements and medications to help with that situation. I don't have a lot of recent knowledge in the OB/GYN, but I did work in the OB/GYN unit for 3 years and know that your doctor's opinion is not the norm. You should feel comfortable discussing anything with him/her - incontinence, low sex drive, pain with intercourse, depression, anything. And if you don't, you are only hurting yourself. Lastly,therapy is also something good for overcoming what mental barriers there might be. You may be harboring feelings you're not even aware of and may need someone to talk you and your husband through this. Remember, this is very normal and not something you should feel embarrassed about or afraid to talk to your doctor about. That's their job. Hope this helps!

A. C.