I Have a 13 Year Old Boy Who Hates Me.

I belong to a yahoo chat group for stepmoms that you might find helpful. The ladies in there usually have lots of good advice, and you'll find someone who has experience with just about any problem you could come up with. The group is called stepmomsinneed.

Let me first say every child is different and I can only give you my experience. I have 2 step-children and it has been a long hard road - their mom taught them to call me the wicked witch and told them they did not have to listen to me. We tried a lot of things and what finally did work is that I do not punish them. I parent them, and help them, and talk to them and guide them, but their Dad punishes them. It has made a tremendous difference. Also remember he is 13 and that is such a hard age for everyone. There will be things he shoudl not do around your younger children like the video games, but maybe give him some time without them around to play some games that are not for little ones but not horrid. The best and hardest thing you can do is keep talking to him, love him, and give it time. Good luck, it does all turn out.

Challenges -- especially from a 13 year old is daunting. I too was a step-parent and the age of 13 is rough for all sides. I will strongly suggest -- that the discipline should come from the Dad -- since you have them on weekends, then he must be home to do that. The kid is screaming out for some male leadership. I can understand his attitude -- there is no continuity in his life - and I would have feelings of being abandoned if I only saw my father every other weekend-- put yourself in his 13 year old shoes -- they are so self critical at that age anyway and their emotions are all over the place. I say together as a weekend family -- get everyone's ideas of what they would like to do and make these weekends fun - where everyone is together and doing an activity - the Dad needs to have some one on one time with this young man and really try to connect and let him know he may live far away but he cares about what type of man this boy becomes. Maybe he could make sure he calls his son every week - GET INVOLVED - share some of the things he liked to do when he was a boy -- find some common ground - the dad needs to get interested in their grades, sports, who their friends are - in todays mass communication frenzy - he can keep up to date on so many levels on a regular basis. I can hear Dr. Laura Schlessinger now -- the Dad is the biological parent and the discipline needs to come from him -- now you can set everyone down and just explain the "house rules" (and while you may not be his mom - you are the mom in your own house) and let everyone have some input - but the Dad needs to sit this kid down and let him know exactly what he expects of his son in the way he is allowed to talk to you and treat you.
You should find ways to get him to do little tasks for you and then thank him profusely -- praise him honestly on a regular basis - there is not much you can do on 2 weekends a month - to undue what his mom allows -- all you can do is try to build a friendship with this boy, because you all want to have a relationship when he is finally grown and out of her home -- that adult relationship will last alot longer than the time period that he is a teenager. Just a word of warning the age of 15 for boys is especially tough. This is the age when juvenile delienquints are formed -- let him know you care about him and you love him -- But you truly should let all discipline come from his true parent.

T., You are in a tough spot. First of all, being the step mom, and more significantly, the fact that the boy is 13 years old. My husband and I both brought children to our marriage and my son (who was ten when we started dating & twelve when we blended our families) resented the fact that I was "replacing" his dad in our home. Based on my experience I would suggest that you and your husband sit down and plan the visits that include this boy. Let the rules be mandated by his dad and you be supportive of those; and be sure that he is told what to expect when he visits by his dad in your presence. Then, you must both stand by it. He will eventually outgrow this phase of his life and you will live through it. As the boy matures, he will most probably come to admire you for loving his father and providing a second home that he can feel safe and loved in. Love is tough, and often "tough love" needs to be dealt. It isn't easy, but rewarding in the end.

I think you have a point regarding the violent video games, but the texting isn't hurting anyone. He obviously feels uncomfortable at your home, and the way you say you "make" him do things that he doesn't enjoy (playing outside...) is definitley not helping. Why don't you and your husband join him in playing a game that doesn't include violence...or invest in a WII that you can do active games with the whole family like bowling. Not all kids enjoy sports and the outdoors.
I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear, but sometimes you need to step back and look at the whole picture.

T., stick to your guns. He does not "need" to do things in your home that you deem inappropriate. Will you let your daughters do these things at 13? I think many parents these days are more concerned with whether or not their children like them and want to be friends with their children. These parents are missing the point of being a parent. The job of a parent is to raise children to be independent and capable of making good choices in their lives. Children need boundaries and do respect it if you are consistent. Boundaries help a child understand that the world does not revolve around them and helps give them respect for others. I don't think you are being unreasonable. As long as your husband feels the same as you do then stick with it. There is nothing you can do about the mother. She won't change and you complaining about it won't help. (I know it has to be frustrating!) Your husband needs to explain the rules at his house to his son. He very clearly needs to lay out the expectations. I would also recommend that you let your husband spend some quality time with his son alone. Let them bond if that is possible. Go carting, bowling, a basketball or baseball game or something to get them out of the house. I highly recommend Boundaries With Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. After reading it I would very politely suggest it to the boys mother. Or loan it to her. Tell her it really helped you alot with your kids.

I would suggest that you try not demand a change in his behavior. He already has two parents, you should not try to be another parent. Let his parent do the parenting. You should try to plan activities that will allow him to bond with your children. Taking his things away is not going to help in developing a meaningful relationship, plus what good does it do if it's not consistant in his life. If his mother were also trying to instill these behaviors then it would make sense. Since he doesn't get to visit often you should try to make the visits as pleasant as possible. Pick your battles . . .this one is not that important.

T.,

It's hard being a step-parent. I am a step-parent of my husband's daughter. She is now 29 but when her dad and I got together, she was only 18. She was very judgemental of me and scrutinized everything I did. I am the mother of three children, now 27, 24 and 21 and I didn't treat her any differently than my children. She was an only child and I made sure she blended in with my other children which was difficult for her since she wasn't used to sharing. ALlow your husband to talk to his son and set some boundries with him. All children need boundries and it doesn't sound like he has them with his mom. I wouldn't waste my time speaking his mother because obviously she isn't any help. Continue to work together with your husband to bring peace and harmony to your blended family. It will work. Have patience and a lot of FAITH and things will work out. Most boys that age NEED their dad and since he doesn't see his dad as often perhaps he is somewhat resentful. Suggest that your husband spend some quality time with him and see what happens. ALlow him to feel important. YOu didn't mention if the other step children were younger or older than the 13 year old. He could just be at that age when he is testing you and his dad. Pick your battles and again, try and be patient.

Good luck to you and many blessings,

M.

Dear T.,

I agree with you about the video games and the texting on the phone. I do not allow our grandson who we have custody of to play the violent video games. Now he does have hunting games, but he and my husband are hunters and there isn't anything wrong with that. But as far as shooting another human, or beating one up it isn't allowed. So it is okay to take the things away from him.

Now to suggest something for you to do. Why don't you try spending some good quality time with him. I see you say you make him go out and play, and you make him sit and talk with you and your husband. But see you are making him do these things. Why not sit and find out what he might be interested in that the whole family could do together. Maybe pack a picnic lunch and go to the lake, or zoo or something of interest to all. Spend a day bike riding as a family, going on hikes as a family, exploring the area around you. Go to a good movie, pig out on popcorn then go have a icecream together. Let him learn to like you then the loving will come easy.

It's the age we have 9 kids from 31 down to 6. Only 3 came from my body. But I was "The Wicked Stepmommy" (really what they and their mom called me.) Being called the B-word isn't so bad, in the future you'll wish that's alll he called you. You and your husband know the truth, so don't sweat it that much. He is reaching the age where you and "mom" need his dads constant input, and he really needs a good roll model. Dad needs to figure a way to be there period. If this young man doesn't have guidance (male) he could very easily slip throught the cracks. if I were in your shoes I'd find a way for the dad to be the dad.

SEE UPDATED INFO AT THE END OF THIS MESSAGE!!!

There is a great ministry called No Greater Joy. They have tons of resources for parents to give them common sense ideas for what to do in tough situations. Here is their website:

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/

The man who established the ministry made a good point in an article one time that has stuck with me. He said that if you are going to take something away from a child, you should replace it with something better. Maybe if you take away his cell phone or video games, it could be replaced with some special time with his dad...playing an outside game, making/builidng something cool (bow and arrow, tree house, rocket :), science experiment). My kids are still little, but I'm sure that there are all kinds of cool suggestions for outdoor,yet inexpensive ideas (bc I am NOT suggesting that you shower the child with expensive trips to Six Flags or gifts). I do believe that he, like any child, desires quality time with his dad....when that relationship is more established, maybe it will improve his relationship with you. I have friends with teenagers that say that this age is the MOST VITAL age to be spending as much time with your kids as possible. And if the boy has a bad attitude, don't be discouraged...just keep trying...every effort will at least be noticed (even if it is not recognized until later in life). I hope and pray that this has helped and wish God's blessings on you and your family.

ADDITIONAL INFO:

I added this later bc I couldn't find the specific article that I was thinking of initially. Here is the link to the article on the No Greater Joy website...it is very enlightening.

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive...

Many blessings!

Wow,what a tough situation T.. I have been in a similar place I'm afraid and the best advice I can give is to try and talk him through the why. My 12 step daugher is a big time texter and it irritates me to the bone but we (she, her father and I) set up rules for when she is with us on when it's appropriate to text and when we want her full attention. We both gave a little like I didn't like it in the car because it seemed rediculous but, understood that we are just sitting there and I'd be ok unless the family is engaged in conversation. She does however, have to turn in her cell phone to us at a certain time each night. There was a lot of attitude at first but once we set up rules together and got her to have some authority on the decision, it's gone great. My husband travels too and it's not any easier when we see him every other weekend. I would also think it would be a sign of good faith if you conceeded on something that you normally wouldn't if he were there all the time. Kind of like picking your battles. Find something you truly are adamant about (i'd pick the violent games) and talk with him and explain why you don't want them in the house or being played. Pick something else that you don't like but is not as harmful(like texting) and lossen the noose and tell him you are. It's a huge give and take at this age as they begin to spread their wings and want to make their own decisions. Giving him a little with give you a lot and you'll be a hero and his favorite before you know it!

Kudos to you for sticking to your rules! Keep it up. Because if you give in once, you're an easy target. He'll keep pushing and pushing. When he says he hates you - reply with "Well, I love you." Always remind him that you love him. Eventually, he'll turn 14 and slowly move out of that mode.
Good luck!

Although not a professional, I worked with children, worked in schools, and was an advocate for children in CA. The best books to read (that I have read) will help set boundaries, teach respect and help stress, were written by Sandy Spurgeon MdConald. She was a speaker for the whole district to schools/parents. You can only order her resources from her directly parentingsos.com I promise, easy, one-page-answers and the principles do work.

Pray, learn & love.

T., I was a step-parent of four, the boy was the hardest for me to get along with. I have since divorced and looking back (hind-sight 20/20) it would have been much better for my marriage and stepchild relationships to have the dad become way more involved. He was basically a good man but felt that since he didn't see his kids very often (every other weekend) he didn't want to be the bad guy and discipline them so he left it up to me. Eventually, I grew to resent this since he didn't have any problems discipling the children in our home, one of his and one of mine. Everyone was unhappy, seemed like two sets of rules. So sit down with your husband and come up with rules you two can live with (pick your battles) and then bring your son in and adjust as needed to where everyone is as happy as can be in this situation. Definitely any discipline should come from DAD. Keep open communication between you and your son it'll be okay, kids that age are going thru a tough time and need unconditional love and understanding more than anything else. You might want to buy him some video games that the whole family can play or that you and your husband find acceptable - some kids really don't enjoy the outdoors. Don't try to change him, find out what other interests he has and encourage those. BTW, don't take his statements about hating you personally, just make sure that he understands he needs to respect you. Again, your husband needs to step in. One of the other responses suggested "picking your battles" and that is so true, there are very few finites so relax and enjoy building a relationship with your new son.

God Bless

I don't have much experience except growing up and knowing my thoughts and watching my brother's behavior. Most children really do feel love through discipline. Stand strong. You're doing the right thing. If possible going outside with him and taking him places... always great. But I was a good kid even though my parents didn't discipline me much (praise the Lord!) but I remember wishing that they would, that my mother was more involved in my life. I did get into trouble that could've been solved. Proverbs says that he who spare the rod, hates his child. You're doing a good job, even though it's hard now I bet that deep down he know you love him- teenagers like to complain (don't we all!). He'll appreciate it when he's older. I prayed for you

First thing I think your husband should do is change jobs and move closer to his kids so he can see them consistently.

As for your role, just keep doing what you're doing... you're being a responsible parent, one day he'll appreciate having at least one in his life. Deal with his resentment now knowing that you are doing what is best for him in the long run. His mothing will reap what she sows with him... he will be a problem for her his whole life if she continues parenting the way she is. He might not like you, but he will respect you and that is all that really matters at his age.

T.,

Why does the dad live so far away from his family? If my father left me and my siblings and started another family far away I would be upset to. I agree that you should stick to your values, I respect those values myself. However, kids need their father to be around. I am sure there is a sense of abandonment there. Your daughters get him all of the time - think about it from his perspective. He is at the age where a father's guidance is necessary to guide him into manhood.

I am a divorced mom with a child from my first marriage and now a child from my second. My oldest's (son) father is involved and we have all worked together to make the divorce and remarriage as smoothe a transition as possible. It has been 4 years now. Not that things still do not make me crazy - but I pick my battles carefully. I do not want my child to have to undo all of my mistakes when he is an adult. I would never move away from his father. His heart would break.

There is a lot going on there - Good Luck to you.

I only read a couple of posts but I am already in disagreement with what I have read. Being a step parent is different than being a natural or even adoptive parent. I have been a step child and I have been a step parent, there is a thin line that you do not cross as a step parent, depending on the age that you got the kid. I also did foster parenting for 4 yrs to teenage girls, 3 at a time! All 13 yr olds hate their parents, and all teenage boys like to play violent video games, if the rules at your house are more strict than the rules at his mom's house then you are not going to be liked! As far as taking away his phone I really don't think that you have a right to do that unless you are the one paying for it! Why not let his dad take it away (and not say that it is because of you). I think that you are being too active in the parenting /disciplan area. My bet is that you have a very strong personality and you are definitely rubbing this this boy the wrong way. Unless the mom and his dad are willing to back you up and enforce the same rules on him he is going to resent you! My son (now 22 and just got back from Iraq) is a really good young man (and loves and fears God) was totally into the violent video games, it did not affect him in a negative way at all! It is after all just a game and these kids realize that! they are not going to turn into killers just because of the game! I'm not saying you should let everything slide and be his best friend, but I do think that you need to loosen up the reins quite bit and leave more of the parenting to his dad. I would go a far a to say " we will let your dad deal with this when he gets home" and leave it at that! Let dad do what he feels is right when he gets home and do not discuss it with him in front of the boy. best of luck to you, being a step parent is a very challenging job!

I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing a teenage boy yet but do have a blended family and I was having issues with my son when he would come back from his dad's due to lack of discipline. It's good that you are setting those rules. He may say he hates you now but as he gets older he'll see that he preferred it. It doesn't matter that you are not his biological he should respect you and everyone else and if he can't show the respect or do what he's been asked then yes things should be taken away. You will probably always have that difference with the mother. I had to talk to his father many times before he actually started to set rules. He wanted to be the fun parent but it was causing my son to throw huge fits when he didn't get his way. Start documenting everything because you never know when you'll need it. I had to show the proof to his father before he finally started setting the his rules to be similar to mine.
You might to try and plan a huge outting with everyone one of the times that you have him. Something that would definitely be outdoors but something he would enjoy. Some kind of computer or game office tour or something where they also do stuff outside. Good Luck.

You are in a very tough spot...step parenting. I have been in your position also. It is difficult to create rules that differ from his mom when he is with you only every other weekend. Also, dad should primarily dish out the consequences. I know first hand. Keep this in mind. Your stepson is used to what he is primarily raised with. It can be very difficult to change that without more exposure with him. Remember his mom deals with him on a daily basis. They have set routines that work for them. Every parent lets some things slide that other parents may not in areas of discipline. Every parent is also a stronger disciplinarian in certain areas that others are not. What may bother his mom may not bother you. What bothers you may not bother his mom. This difference is often misunderstood in blended families. There are also personality differences and stages that kids go through. Some kids have a stronger/challenging personality. He may be difficult to raise but he will likely be a strong adult. Look for the positives with this child and stress them. Just pick your battles and maybe give him some alone time to do things in privacy...like texting and video games. Have dad take him to the store and agree on new video games to keep at your house. Unfortunately' for a step parent these things can feel like an upstream battle. Communication with the ex-wife is VERY necessary when it comes to discipline. Be on the same page. Otherwise he will learn to work the system.
You sound like a very caring step mom who has great intentions. Keep up the hard work. Good Luck.

I am sorry you are going through this, I know it must be tough. Some of the advice is excellent here, but not all of it. Stick to your guns. Just because the lessons you teach aren't consistent everywhere he goes, doesn't mean there isn't a lesson to be learned. This could be a lesson in respect of other people's rules outside his home. No, you may not change him, but at least he will soon see that it's your house...your rules.

Give it up with the ex-wife. Sounds like she isn't going to help you one bit. She doesn't see that she is spoiling this child, and unfortunately, you won't be able to help her see that.

All kids go through a hate stage or 2. Mine have already been through one, and I am waiting for the teenage years to go through it again. We have had a rule in our house for a few years: WE DO NOT HATE IN THIS HOUSE! They can say what they want to about me, but if I were to catch them talking like that about me, or calling me a *B*, then I would let their father deal with it. My husband is pretty strict when it comes to the kids disrespecting me.

It sounds to me like your husband may need to be a bit more involved in his son's life. Visitation isn't for the kid to go somewhere else and get out of one parent's hair, it's so the other parent can spend time with their kids.

First off, I want to give you credit for being a step mom, it's not an easy job! I'm one myself, but only to one, you have 5!
What it sounds like is you and your husband are the disciplinarians and the only one he really receives any real grounding (not punishment grounding, foundation grounding) from. Of course he's not going to like you, you actually care about his well-being so he's more limited in your household than his moms (by the way, by her letting him do whatever he wants, she's actually doing way more damage than any kind of good). Kids are practically wired to prefer the person who lets them get away with everything and do whatever they want, especially during their adolescent stage. Trust me, I was 14 and thought my parents were soooooo unreasonable, but now that I'm older I realize that the reason they set rules for me is because they love me. As far as advice goes, honestly, I don't have much. Show him that you do care about him, spend time with him (don't just tell him to go outside and do something, offer to go outside and do it with him). Be nice, treat him like you treat the others. Don't worry about backing down, he needs discipline from somewhere... eventually when he sees that you treat him the same way you treats your other kids, he'll eventually get it and see that you do what you do because you love him. It may take a few months, it might take years, just don't give up on him. It will have it's hard times, I know, like I said I'm a step mom too.

I suggest that you and your husband talk to the boy and tell him you love him, but certain rules will be followed in your home.
I raised 2 boys that weren't my own, and it's really hard if you don't have your husband's support. But it will make your household miserable if you don't stand for what you feel needs to be done.
It will get better, but it may take awhile, the teen years are h*** o* everyone. I think it would be good for his Dad to spend some time with him doing something he likes to do, he may feel like your being h*** o* him because you don't love him.
I wish you luck with your family, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job.
I am 44, have 2 stepsons and a daughter. I am a teacher, but presently manage Minuteman Press. I live in Seabrook, and have a wonderful Christian husband.

Hi T.,
I know teenage super attitudes can be difficult to deal with, I have a seventeen year old son who wears nothing but black,loves Marilyn Manson and lives to text message. He absolutely hated his dads girlfriend and even eventually quit going to see his dad because of it (which I think only pleased her).I am his mother and we butt heads alot, let alone someone he doesn't have to deal with.

I'm sure you probably dont want to hear this, but perhaps you should back off a little. in your query I heard you saying "I" alot, "I dont allow this, and I make him do that";
I really believe that is a negative and ineffective way to deal with the situation.Teenagers are resistant to anyone who they feel doesn't like them. Especially kid's who are separated from a parent for some reason, they don't want to spend the short time they do have,listening to someone who they probably see as an outsider,lay down the law about how they better act when they come over. To be quite honest with you when my stepkids come over if I acted that way towards them, I would expect them to not want to come back.Teenagers are stubborn (especially @ 13!!)it usually is a short lived phase,try to differentiate between what really matters, It would make you feel really strange if the parent-child relationship between your husband and his son became stagnent over a video game or text messaging of all things.Try not to be so over bearing, and perhaps your stepson will come to like spending time in your home and show you some respect, your not getting anywhere by having a contest with a 13 year old to see who can get their way. Just my opinion, Good Luck

I understand that you don't want him to play violent video games, but I don't see where text messaging is a problem. He's 13 years old and right now his friends are his life. That is a normal childhood process. He doesn't have a structured schedule with you and his father as far as visitation. So, when he does come, he's uprooted from his "normal life". Then he's brought into an environment more strict and structured (not a bad thing, just giving you his perspective) and "made" to do things he is probably not interested in and has his interests withheld from him by a step-parent. I think you need to pick your battles and choose you wars. Restrict certain things that are completely inappropriate (violent games) and be a little more lenient on others (a cell phone). You don't wanting him resenting you, and he will. Set boundaries.... tell him he can text while you all are at home, but when you're at dinner or a family activity the pone should not take priority. You don't want to be the wicked step-mother that forces him to play outside and prohibits him from interaction with his friends via texting. Good luck!

Stick to your guns. You are right to have those rules in your house and you stick to them. He is 13 and I am sure he calls his mother *B* plenty! (that language is another issue, one that your husband should address). What he needs is a stable environment, with rules and expectations. He may fight it at first, but he will get used to it and it will help him in the long run. I think you are doing the right things. I would sit him down and talk to him about WHY you are doing these things...that you care about him and that's why you have these rules. He may not know that you care about him and then feel "why should I care about you." The fact that you get along with the other kids shows that they respect you and have accepted you in their Dad's life. This child may be harboring unresolved feelings about the divorce and even the role (if any) you played in the permanent separation of his parents. Try to talk out some of these issues with your husband there too. Good luck and keep in mind that you can never please a 13 year-old, but you can expect him to treat you with respect.