I Hate Sex!!! Help!!

I am a 25 year old mother of 1 son. I go through the same thing. Ever since my son is born there are times I feel revolted to have sex. I feel obligated after we go so long without having sex, but when I "give in" I absolutely hate it. There are still times on the rare occasion that I really love, it. I don't know what it is, I know that it causes a lot of tension between us and an occasional fight. I don't know what to do either, but you're not alone!!!

-K.

I have the same problem... i dunno what it is either. I was about 6 1/2 months pregnant the last time i had sex and my son is 8 1/2 months old! It also doesn't help that I'm not in a relationship, but STILL... I don't even want it... Its wierd.

My daughter was over a year before I got my drive back. It can take a long time, not just for the desire, but for everything to go back to normal. I think there's this perception that the magic 6 week mark after birth is supposed to be "back to normal" and that's so not true for most people!

Since you have anxiety, have you thought about maybe the anxiety plus the lack of sex drive both being symptoms of something else? Many women who are prone to it develop hypothyroidism after having a baby. Do you have any other symptoms of it or family history? Have you ever had a full thyroid panel done? http://www.thyroid-info.com/ is a good place to start if you're not familiar.

I used to be a romance enhancement specialist and believe it or not have faced this question before so I thought I would share what I know to you.

It's more about getting to know your "new body" and accepting you after the birth of your little one. (also a mom)

Depending how open you are to your sexuallity... depends on what is right for you. You can look online at: www.slumberparties.com and don't be intimidated. You can start from lingerie... to 52 nights ... scratch off cards one for each weeks where the husband and wife take turns planing out the perfect moment. They do carry adult toys as well if you are into that.

I think it's more about having a night of pampering, and feeling special, and romanced, and just spending sometime by yourself learning your body and what still makes you tick.

I have never had this after my kids, however my dr told me that is normal because of all the different changes going on. When you have baby nothing is the same, especially your body. I would definitly keep talking to your husband and reasure him that is has nothing to do with him and talk to your ob or your son's dr. Definitly don't try to push anything it might backfire. Start out just being romantic and doing little things like cuddling and bathing and just holding hands and making it a point to kiss each other as often as you can. It will get better. I wish you luck and hope you the best.

S.

Hi R.,
You may want to speak to your doctor about side effects to your anxiety meds. Unfortunately low or no sex drive is a common side effect to that type of medication. I did go thru the same problems and I know how you feel. You so want to feel the way you use to but you just can't. Don't beat yourself up over it but do talk to your doctor. If it is your meds, you may need alternatives.

Take care,
L.

You know what is so crazy is that I feel EXACTLY the same way!!! I hate sex so much, and I really contribute it all to having my son! I would love to hear others ideas on what people have to help! I thought this was just a phase, but my son is pushing 17 months... shouldn't I feel better by now. Sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but I wish you all the luck to help solve your problem!

Hello R., I've read every response that have been sent and I have to agree with all of them.
First and foremost, you are not alone!! A lot of women go through this, unfortunately for some, they do not have their husbands support, while going through this very difficult phase. I read that somebody's husband thought she was cheating, my EX-husband asked me if I was a Lesbian (at the time I probably would have rather have been a lesbian than be with him!!)!!!
I also did not want to be touched, I felt obligated to give in and I hate it every second of it.
Once you have a child, your brain switches to being a mom and protecting your child, not trying to 'reproduce' again!! Look at nature. Once an animal is pregnant of taking care of a baby, they will not go into heat again, until that baby is old enough!!! I'm not saying we are animals, but we are really not that far ahead (LOL).
Meds are also going to influence how your hormones react. I am taking a natural alternative now and I've gotten rid of all my prescription meds!! If you need help with that, I can help you.
Don't get down on yourself, this is normal. Maybe not to everyone, but enough women, that it has become a serious issue. I wish I could've talked about it when I was going through it...Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help!
P.

I went through a similar phase after my son was born, which was unfortunate for my hubby because sex was on my mind 24/7 throughout my whole pregnancy!! So, he began thinking I didn't love him anymore, and since that was the farthest thing from the truth...I asked my GYN about it. She asked me if I was feeling bad about myself, and I was, but I realized that wasn't the problem. The problem was that it hurt, and who wants to do something that is painful? I couldn't "get excited", if you catch my drift, and I think it was because the thought of the pain was looming over me like a dark cloud. My GYN suggested a lubricant, which I prefer to be KY warming sensation, and it has helped tremendously! Maybe I just got too personal for you, but I'm not sure what your situation is...so, I thought my experience might be helpful! Hope I didn't freak you out...lol:) Also, maybe you should make sure it's not a side effect of your meds!! I'm going to send you a personal message, because I have a question that's personal for you to answewr about me! Thanks in advance for your help, too:)

Hi R.!!!!
Not sure how much help that I can be but just to let you know, I am a therapist and I deal with these issues all of the time. What I would suggest is to set aside one time a week (that is if you have a babysitter) for a "date night". I find date nights to be extremely important to maintain a healthy relationship. Dinner and a movie seem to rekindle all relations. It is extremely important for you to "attempt" for you to keep the same relations that you had with your husband prior to the one year old (congrats by the way)!!! I also have a one year old and every sat my mom takes the baby so that my husband and I can go out on a "date." I wish you the best of luck. Trust me..........this whole mom thing, is nothing that could ever be planned!!!!
take care,
T.

R.,

I was the same way after my first was born. I was breastfeeding and after being with the baby all day and being touched I didnt want to be touched anymore. Somehow when i did want to be touched I ended up pregnant again when my daughter was 9 months old even being on birth control. After that i definately didnt want to be touched. After my son was born I had to go back on my depression meds which i had weaned myself off of at 19. I have had depression since I was 12. There was a time when my husband and I would have sex only once or twice a month. Not usual for me becuase before we had children I wanted it 2 or 3 times a day. But the stress of taking care of child and having my husband working two jobs and only home for a couple of hours a day it seemed to me all he wanted was sex which made it worse. I did switch meds. I was on zoloft and now I am on prozac. I do not know if it was the switching of the meds or what but i have defiantely gotten my sex drive back in the last two months but my son is 2 and 1/2 now. It took me over 2 years to do it. I would defiantely talk to your doctor and see if maybe another med would work with no side effects. I do know that meds effect others differently. So far the prozac is helping me but who knows for how long. Also talk to your husband. That is very important tell him how you are feeling. Let him know that just hugging and kissing is a start and you never know it may end up to where he wants it to but to be patient. Having and taking care of a baby is challenging more so for the moms than dads. We go through the hormonal changes and the stress of the day to day care of that baby. Your husband should understand. Let him know that you love him and you do not know whats wrong but you just need to feel loved by him. I didnt know this until recently but when i was going through this my husband sercetly thought I was cheating on him. He never asked me about it and when I found out i was so hurt by him thinking that. Just let your husband know whats going on and reassure him that you love him and everything else. I think its a male ego thing. Goood luck and let me know how it goes. Also if u ever need to talk. I am hear to listen.

hi I am going through the same thing right now. I thought there was something wrong with me. My daughter is now 26months,and I still never want it. I think it's been maybe 4-5months since I had it last,and I have no interest. I am also on medication. After reading some of your responses,I see we are not alone. Thank you for writing this!Good luck!!!!!

My kids are 5 and 7 and it hasn't been too often that I actually want sex. I'm not on medication either, but I do deal with some anxiety. What helped alot was getting a hot tub. There's just something about all that warm water, bubbles, JETS, and anti-gravity! I got my husband a splashproof CD/MP3 player and we take it out there for a little mood music. We go out there with the intention of just unwinding and talking about the day, and eventually one thing leads to another. You could take the baby monitor out there with you, but I suggest you go out the second your baby is asleep, so you get some quality time. I know it's an investment and initially expensive, but we have seen little in the way of a higher energy bill and we have had it since Sept. It's a good thing!

Hi my is K...I know what your feeling. I went thru the same thing after I had my son. He is now 3 yrs old and things are alot different. I have seperated with my husband but not because of that. After giving birth I wanted no parts of anything. I to was taking anxiety meds but that wasnt helping that situation out. Your husband sounds supportive and thats great. This will pass. How old is your baby ? Give it time..It took me a good year, but I made it. Take care of you, feel good, look good always !!! It makes a huge difference !!

Good Luck

I have gone through those periods as well, though I wasn't grossed out by sex I just didn't have any desire for it. The anxiety meds probably have something to do with it as they do affect your sex drive. Talk to your doctor about maybe an alternate anxiety medication. I think the hardest thing for me was knowing that my husband wasn't satisfied which of course affected our relationship. You will get through it though... I did!

You are not alone! I was that way after I had my daughter. Infact I was like that for almost 2.5 years after I had her. I talked with my husband and my obgyn and that was when she decided to switch my birthcontrol method (which I think my previous b.c wasn't helping things) and now things are great. Sometimes I occasionally feel like that espically when I am sick or just got done cleaning by myself but they are few are far between. So I would ask you OBGYN cause if you are on a b.c. that might affect it. (I am currently on the nuva ring) before I used the orthaevra patch.

Hi R.,

I'm no doctor, but I can see how either hormones or the anxiety meds might be making your sex drive low. I know there is like one week out of each month, due to hormones , that I want sex all the time, and the rest of the month I'm like, whatever.(and my husband thinks I'm a nympho, lol)

Talk to your doctor about the meds, see if that is causing it. I know some friends that have tried the natural approach to anxiety and depression with 5-HTP.

I have three kids, used to be very sexual, now it's like 1-2 a mos, which makes me crazy, but doesnt' seem to affect my husband as much. Our problem is we are not very good or strict at getting our children to bed before midnight or later sometimes. I swear they are machines that can run on empty, I"ve even talked to the doctor about it, he just laughs. My kids are 16,11, and almost 4.

Enjoy each other when you can, and remember, kids can make your sex life very rare, lol, specially with the exhaustion of not sleeping like you used to before you had kids too.

Take care, all will work out.

L.

There is nothing wrong with you. After pregnancy and birth, your hormones are out of control and it will just take sometime to settle in. Also, the medicine that you are on may have some sexual side effects. I would talk to your doc about that too.

I would talk to your Dr. about switching meds. Most of those types of drugs have that side effect listed, but each one effects everyone differently! So make sure you ask, you may have to go through a couple before you find one that's working for you!
Also, it could just be the "normal" after pregnancy/having a baby... Don't despair! I really like what someone already said... "You have forever to have sex with your husband!"

R. i was the same way after my 1st. It is very common. Try being sexual in other ways. take a bath with him, just cuddle, just kiss, hold hands. it will get better, just give it time.

Ugh I feel the same. I can't say I hate it but I definately feel like I can't be so bothered with it. I don't even feel like taking my clothes off lol, I would rather get my teeth cleaned. I dont have any advice but you are not alone. Try talking to your ob/gyn??/

There's nothing wrong with you. It sounds very normal. Your sex drive will wax and wane as you get older and as long as you and your dh are communicating about it, consider it part of married life.
I will say however, your anxiety meds might be affecting your sex drive.
And one thing I tried to remember during those times was that I married my husband for life. I still had my whole life to have sex with him, even if "when the kids were little" wasn't the most active time.

I am interested to know what you mean by "he benefits too."

Did you start the antidepressant after you had your child? I ask b/c I take Paxil CR when I am not pregnant and when I am on the Paxil CR I do not have interest. Antidepressants are known for that side effect. Hope this helps

I am a 37 year old mom of 3 great kids..and i have dealt with the same feelings, or lack of feeling. Remember that you and your husband need some special alone time ,even when its crazy and hectic. With all of the chores responsibilities and demands we forget to take a moment for ourselves. I was always to tired, and with baby all day attached to my hip having my husband want the same in the evening- when all I wanted to do was sleep -just put me over the edge!But we talked about it(sometimes he is supportive and sometimes he is not), he tries to help more and I try to stay awake more. Its not always perfect and when I pms I want nothing to do with anyone...but communicating and alot of effort has helped!

Hi R.,
I agree with most of the responses as far as the low sex drive and the anxiety meds. I am on both Prozac and Xanax and there are times that I hate the thought of sex but then there are other times that I could jump my husband as soon as he walks in the door. I did talk to my doctor and she said that it is most likely due to my meds. I can't change them though because I have MS and w/o them I get severe depression. Talk to your doctor about the meds.

Have you ever considered your birth control is a reason you are not "wanting" sex? I was feeling the same way for awhile & my daughter had an accident & was in the hospital for almost 4 months. During that time frame I was not on any birth control & now that I am back home I am always wanting to jump on my husband. I actually read an article that stated more than 40% of women loose interest in sex due to their birth control. Thats a VERY high number. We just decided to stay off of it until we find the right one for us. I hope that helps a little.--M.