I Dunno What to Do Anymore

Having worked and sold Kirby's (many many years ago) I know there are two types of sales positions. The first one people call you and set up appointments (this is what I did) or you go door to door (which it sounds like your SO does). The first you can make good money at because the people are open and receptive to buying such an expensive vacuum. The second is hours of having doors slammed in your face and not knowing when your next sale is going to be.

I'm sorry sweetie, but if he has a little one on the way he needs to have a more steady job and paycheck. You two need to get a car of your own and live on your own. None of this living with the boss and using the company vehicle for personal use. I can understand you not wanting a job because you're going to have a little one soon, but why haven't you been working to this point? Is it possible for you to get a job after the little one arrives?

From here on out you need to worry about you and that baby. That means getting to all appointments no matter what, not stressing out, etc. If your SO makes good enough money to get his own apartment, then you should make enough money to get a used car. (I'm talking a used car through a private party, like off of Craigslist.) Good luck hon and I hope that you are able to figure this all out!

My advice to you is to see if your SO can afford a car. Do you drive?
Problem of doctor's appointments solved.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but the whole situation sounds a little *off* to me. Company van is the only means of transport for all of you? They ALL go together in the van (for sales?) every day?

Oh--you'll be in labor longer than O. hour! He'll make it! But if he's gone with them & the van...how are YOU going to make it to the hospital? What could they be selling that is so important that they can't stop for a baby?

Is there a neighbor or friend you could have as a back up plan?

Is your doctor so far that you can't take a taxi? If so, find a closer one. Sorry if I offend you but I think you sound lucky that your SO's boss already does so much for you guys. And your SO can only do so much when it comes to getting out of work etc to take you to the doctor. I don't think my husband ever went with me to my ob/gyn appointments. He was at work. His boss wouldn't let him run out for my doctor appts. You need to figure out a way to not be so dependent on your SO because when the baby comes, things aren't going to be any different. You'll need to get around on your own sometimes. In terms of labor, I agree with another mom that most likely you'll have time for him to get home. And if not, take a taxi, get a friend lined-up as back-up!

*hugs* Sure this is a 'pour your heart out' site!! Sometimes you just need to get it out and hear from other people that YOU are not the crazy one, lol!!! Never feel bad about that!

Ok, being pregnant is hard, period. It is tough exhausting work and people who have never done it don't realize that, because they think you are just sitting around gaining weight!

But your body is a heavy-duty factory right now, working hard 24 hours a day at making a baby! All the mamas here understand that and sympathize with how you feel.

now, that can make you emotional, cranky, etc. But in this specific case, it sounds to me like you have some valid complaints. Expecting your hubby to call you up and fuss over you every hour might be a bit much- but expecting to get to your OB appointment?? That is non-negotiable! That is a health issue for you and your baby and NEEDS TO HAPPEN. I can't even imagine the cow I would have had if my husband didn't get me to the doctor!

Ok, so it sounds like you don't have your own car. Do you live near public transport? Can you take a bus to the doctors? Not ideal, but it would get you to your appointment and lots of women do it every day.

Is there a main scheduling calendar for the business or office or a sign-out sheet for the company vehicles? Can you write your appointments in on something so they are factored into the company schedule? You don't say just what this company does, but surely SOMEONE has a car that you could borrow or some way to run you to your appointment and pick you up? Can you arrange for your mom or a relative or GF to take you?

Now- practical issues aside, the bigger issue is your husband. I get it that his boss is allowing you guys to live with them- that is a huge favor and your husband, being a man, most likely feels a giant responsibility to his friend to show him he is not a freeloader and isn't taking advantage, etc.

But it sounds like he needs to be reminded that he made a commitment to you and his coming baby as well. You need to tell him that you need to have a 'family meeting' and talk about how things are going to be arranged in the future. Try not to get too upset or lose your temper (I know its hard with all those hormones!) but I would start with the positive.

Tell your husband you understand what a big favor his friends are doing for you and you absolutely do appreciate it. Tell him you understand how hard he is working for your future together and that you absolutely appreciate that too.

But- put his hand on your tummy. Explain to him about how hard YOU are working on your future too- just in a different way. (Use the factory story- men seem to get that comparison!) Then tell him that while it is no big deal if you can't get to the store or the library, etc. when you want to, it is ABSOLUTELY non-negotiable that you MUST get to your doctor's appointments.

If you have to, give him What to Expect When You Are Expecting and tell him to read the chapters on everything that can go WRONG. (Don't want to scare you- you will be fine. But again, men seem to do better with these sorts of actual examples in front of them). Tell him that you know in his HEART he wants to have a happy healthy baby and for YOU to be healthy and happy too.

But he needs to understand that just wanting those things doesn't make them happen. You need to get to the doctor and he needs to work WITH you (you need to stress that you are both in this parent thing together, even before the baby is born!) to get you there.

I hope this works for you! Chin up- everything will be fine and if you get your own place soon, just think how great that will be! Focus on keeping you and your baby healthy and I hope giving your husband a 'reminder' will help him focus away from the big picture for a little and back on his own little family. Good Luck!

It seems to me that you are not seeing the forest from the trees. Why is it these peoples responsibility to take you to and from your doctor appointments? Why not take a cab? Why not ask around and see if a friend or neighbor could take you? You are contemplating leaving and figuring everything out on your own. But isn't that a lot harder than just figuring out how to get to and from the hospital?

I'm sorry that their jobs are all consuming and you feel left out. I really do understand. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child I became so ill that I was hospitalized and had my 2 year old with me. My husband worked a couple of miles from the hospital, maybe even less. He wouldn't leave and they kept asking me all day why no one was coming to get my daughter.

But to be perfectly practical, sales is hard. Jobs have never grown on trees. Worse case scenario, you call the ambulance when you go into labor if you don't have a way to the hospital.

What's going to change when you move into separate houses? Will you and your SO be able to afford a vehicle of your own then?

If you know your OB appointments well in advance (and you probably do), have your mom come for an afternoon and drive you. Ask a friend if she would be willing to take you to your appointments and offer something in return (make dinner, do laundry, whatever).

As for going into labor... call him when the contractions start and he'll make it. If not, call an ambulannce. That's what they are for.

You should be putting $$ away to purchase a solid, but used, vehicle. Your baby will be going to the doctor quite a bit during that first year and you will need a consistent means of transportation.

Don't wait around for something that is apparently not likely to happen. You're setting a pattern of dependence that will put you at an increasing disadvantage as your family life progresses, and chances are good that your child will eventually either treat you with less appreciation, or become patterned in helplessness, too.

If you have taxi service in your town, tell your SO you are going to use it, since he's not apparently going to be available when you need him. Ambulances are incredibly expensive, but if he can't arrange his work day to consider your needs, tell him you'll use that option if labor starts at a time that's not convenient for him.

I've known so many, many women who have been groomed since infancy to be dependent and defer all choice on their mates. It does not go well – society is no longer arranged to take care of you. Helpless women tend to be ignored, taken advantage of, and even resented. I strongly suggest you look at the lessons your child will learn from your choices (or lack of them) and take as much control of your options as you can.

My best to you and your growing family.

You need to get your own vehicle. How are you going to take your baby to Dr appointments once he/she is born? You can't reply on others when you are a parent. You have to be the one to support your child.

I don't think the IRS would like it if they found out miles and gas are being written off for you to be taken to the OB. Do the right thing and get your own vehicle for personal use.

So sorry. Your SO should understand how important your Ob appointments are and make it a priority to get you there. And if not then you NEED to find a way to get yourself there and not rely on them. You can do it. Just talk with SO and let them know if you can't get me there I am gonna get me there and do it. You don't need to end the relationship but you HAVE to talk. You are important and so is your baby. Soon your gonna have to care for this other human being who isn't gonna care if you could or couldn't get a ride to the doctor when their sick. Talk it out let 'em know how you feel. Get yourself to the doctor and remember that little beautiful person inside you needs to.

Good Luck I hope I didn't offend you.

Bad living arrangements and hard work schedules cannot be a reason to separate, especially with a new life coming to the world. You say you'll move out in February, so effort is put in place to make your life better. I understand it can be frustrating to not feel at the center of the world when you are pregnant, it is indeed hard not to feel that love, but it could be that your man just wants to make sure his work is successful because you are having a kid to take care of. I hope you can look at the bigger picture and see there's a light at the end of the tunnel. As far as you feeling lonely i would talk to the daddy to be and see if he can be more there for you. I really hope you don't have deeper issues than the ones you posted, just keep in mind anything else of this nature can be solved. Good luck with your baby!!!

If I understand this correctly, there is a company vehicle that the company owns and maintains. You do not work for this company, yet you expect to be able to use the company vehicle for your personal use. I don't get it. Why would you get to use this vehicle? Even if you were an employee of the company, why should the company let you use the vehicle for your personal use?

As far as the birth of your child, is this your first? There's a 99% chance that you will be in labor for many, many hours. Therefore SO would have an oportunity to get to the hospital in plenty of time. As far as you getting to the hospital, no you do not need an ambulance. What's wrong with a taxi or asking a friend or neighbor to drive you? Why don't you have your own transportation? Do you have a job?

From what you writing it's obvious that SO is not committed to you. His first priority is his job and his friends. Knowing that why did you choose to have a child with this man?

What makes you think that SO would be devestated? There's nothing in your post that would indicate that.

Advise on what to do... Get your life together. Put your child first. Stop crying "poor me".

Hey Bookish...

I think it isn't about their needs before yours, as you seem to feel. Unfortunately, you have really clouded the professional vs. personal lines, and are paying the price.

First, you need to do what is best for you and your child, whether or not it is devasting for anyone. Baby comes first.

Now that we have that clear...the transportation is centered around the job. It is not meant for "ANYONE'S" personal conveinence...If you get to use it ocassionally for personal use, consider yourself lucky. You need to find dependable, reliable ways to get yourself around on your own - no one owes you transport privledges, and you can't expect anyone to be on call 24/7 for your needs (bus, car, taxi)...They (work) don't owe you a ride.

Also, you really should not be using a work vehicle for personal reasons as liability issues are huge. If anything happens to you or your baby in that vehicle...your friends could lose their business. Sorry, but your personal errands aren't their problem, ever. I know it is a bit harder to understand since they are friends, too...but the friendship needs to end once you walk into work. You are a worker only on their time, and that needs to be respected.

Missing doctor visits. You need to speak with your employers about scheduling these things during lunch hours, or being flexible with your schedule to accomodate your Dr. visits. If this isn't a job that allows that...leave and find one that will. No one is irreplaceable. Stop making excuses and fix it.

Dad missing the birth? That is his choice and his alone....this may be a dealbreaker. Blame it on the job, whatever...but he has control over this, and if he doesn't feel being there is important maybe you should consider if that is acceptable. If the whole idea that his job is an hour away, and that is your problem...it is a valid concern, but that is the way it is. Be happy he has a job. My husband and I lived 3 1/2 hours away from the hospital when I had my first son, and we both managed to be there "on time." Either way - keep a taxi number close by, or move nearer to the hospital.

It seems more like you are fed up with the job and are finding fault with it...Maybe it is time to move on.

I guess I don't understand why you can't get a car of your own. Why are your options only to either depend on them to get you here or there, or leave? If he's working that many hours, there really shouldn't be any reason why you two couldn't afford a car for your family. Once the baby comes, you're not going to want to keep moving her car seat from one car to another every time you go somewhere.

If he's working so much, can you not get a car of your own? If he's using the company vehicles, then you should be able to afford a cheaper used car for you to drive. You're going to need to get out and about with the baby and take the baby to many doctor's appointments after she's born, so you need some type of transportation. Can you call a cab right now? I would do that until you bought a car.

If you go into labor and no one will come get you, call 911 and have them send an ambulance.

Also -you may have the baby faster than that, but chances are when you go into labor, it will take longer than an hour. Just call him as soon as something is definitely happening and tell him to come home. I have to agree with Denise P that this whole situation sounds weird. You all live together with his boss and they all take the same company van to work every day together? That's a bit strange. Are they going to be fine with a crying newborn at the house? I think you and your SO need to really, seriously be looking around at places of your own and your own transportation.

Can you drop him off at work and have the car for the day? It sounds like you need your own car. Seriously! If your SO is that undependable about getting you to your OB appointments, it is time to stop relying on him for anything and figure out how to get the job done yourself. Hmmm... I just read this again and it sounds like you and your SO do not have a car. If this is the case, then I would start saving to get one. Meanwhile you will have to plan to take taxis or the bus and get yourself to your appointments.

Ok, first of all, congrats on the baby! It will be a wonderful addition to your life if you allow it to be. Second, relax a little! I know how much all of this stress can do to make life seem impossible, but trust me, there is always a way around every situation to work things out. You need to think in terms of importance. You getting to your doctor's appts. is VERY important. Period. No question there. My question to you is why do you NEED the baby's father to go with you? Is it strictly the ride that you need from him, or do you want him there as support? Obviously in a perfect world, we would all have had our babies Dad's at all of our doctor appts throughout our entire pregnancies, but realistically it just isn't possible. I can honestly say, that with both of my pregnancies, my hubby went to only a few, and I had severe toxemia in my first and some complications in my second as well. (both were c sections) My husband WAS there for both births, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. To me, this was non negotiable. (my husband was not in the military, etc so I found no good reason for him not to be there, and frankly he WANTED to be there) I have never understood women who NEED their SO to go to every doctor appt with them. It really made no sense to me. Most of them were failrly uneventful. I also never understood women who had the Dad's stay at the hospital with them the entire time after the baby was born, overnight and everything. I guess if you have no other kids it's ok, but I know people who do this even with other young kids at home and expect friends to watch their kids . Why can't Daddy just visit and go home to his other kids after visiting hours? Never got that! Unless it was an appt where something cool was going to happen, for example hearing the heartbeat for the 1st time, going to a first ultrasound, etc.... why was there a need? YOU getting to the appointments is part of your "job" right now. Do whatever you need to do to get there. Hire a cab, take public transportation, ask Mom to come and drive you and spend the day with you after doing things to get ready for the baby. (I am sure you still have plenty that you could be doing) You probably have some packing to do and could use some help there. Do you have any friends with cars who could help with a ride and you could go out for coffee or a lunch after the appt? It doesn't need to be an expensive lunch, just spend a little quality time after, because trust me once the baby does come, your time with friends will be far and few between for a while. LOL! Take advantage now. I agree that you should be looking into getting your own vehicle now, because you will need one for after the baby comes to get to all of the baby's appts, etc. That 1st year is full of appts and other things that require outings. Depending o a company vehicle to do all of your errands is just not realistic anymore. Especially once you move out and have your own place. While it may have been a good idea for you all to share a place for now, once you have a family it is not the best idea. YOu really need to speak to your SO about your concerns, and be very open about your feelings without attacking him. There are even some groups of moms to be who may be able to share rides with you to these appts with you and also you may be able to find some new friends there to relate to better. It always helps to have someone in a similar situation who you can meet with face to face. (it did me) I didn't have my own vehicle during my 1st pregnancy , the hubby and I sharred a truck until our child was 2, but we managed to get to all appts because I would drive him to work on the days I had appts since we planned far in advance. It worked for us. What will you do when the baby is sick, needs diapers or formula or baby food, etc? All of these things come up and at odd times in the first years, so you really need to think about this. A good friend of mine found a doctor close to her home so that she could walk to her doctor and then her pediatrician until she was able to purchase an inexpensive vehicle, and it was tough, but as Mom's we do whatever we have to to care for our children. It sounds like you need to consider your child first. Unfortunatly, at this point, you can't keep feeling badly that your SO isn't putting you first and YOU need to step up and put your baby first. This is really in your hands. It is actually your job as the Mommy. If you were to leave how would it be any different? You would have to do it all by yourself then anyway wouldn't you? I know that all of this may seem difficulat now, especially with the hormone changes, but trust me, once the baby comes you will still have hormone issues, along with sleep deprevation too, and it won't be a whole lot better for a while. You just need to find a way to deal with this and do what is best for YOU and your BABY. I know that you can do it, most of us Mommies do. There is a whole network of Mom's out there who do it everyday. My youngest 2 kids are special needs kids, (not biological), and the hurdles are many, however the rewards are so much greater than anything else. It is all so worth it in the end. The vehicle that I drive is no prize, but it gets me from point A to point B, and that is all I can ask for at this point. I am grateful everyday to have it with all of the appts . that we go to, along with their school schedules, etc. I also have a close circle of family and friends who I count on in a pinch who travel the distance when I get stuck. They are not very close by either, but when they do, I find a way to make it worth their while by making them some type of meal, baked good, or doing something to spend a little quality time with them. As I said before that quality time is a priceless commodity now! I really think that you need to sit down and have a long and open talk with your SO and let him know about how you are feeling, but keep in mind that his work schedule may not be able to change right away. Let him know what you can't deal with him missing oout on such as the birth, and that you what you CAN manage on your own. It will be a very helpful thing to possibly take some of the pressure off of him too. He probably has been feeling a little overwhelmed himself. If after all of this you and the baby still seem unimportant to him, well than maybe you have chosen the wrong partner for this. People usually do not change once a baby arrives, and it is a much easier task to raise a child with 2 parents than one. (not sying that it can't be done very well by one parent, it's just much harder) Please attempt to work this out before making any rash decisions about your future and your baby's. Unless there is info that you did not include in your post, it just sounds like your SO is trying to earn a living the best that he can, and hopefully provide for you both. Also, a last note, when my 1st child was born, I HAD to work to help make ends meet and so we could finally afford that vehicle of our own other than his truck. I needed it for my appts and errands, and without my income it was not going to happen, because after the purchase of the used car we had insurance, gas, etc. I managed to work nights, the opposite hours of my hubby. It wasn't ideal, but it worked for a couple years until I finally grew tired of it and became a liscenced home daycare provider so I could stay at home to care for my own child and earn an income at the same time. I did that for 11 years. It was very hard and tiring work, but so rewarding! I wouldn't have changed a thing because I got to be the one to raise both of my older girls, who are 17 and 20 now, and made a fairly good income at the same time. Oh, and by the way, I managed to go to my annual obgyn appts with 6 toddlers in tow while doing daycare so as not to have to close daycare for the day and upset the lives of all of my daycare parents. WITHOUT my husband. LOL! It was difficult, but anything can be done if you set your mind to it! I wish you the best of luck! I hope that it all works out for you!

I would use a car service and not stress myself out. I would also have a private word with my SO. Tell him although you appreciate his loyalty to friend/boss he is going to be a daddy soon and his loyalty is to you and your baby. Is he excited about being a dad? Have you guys talked about the changes you will both have to make when the baby comes? 16 hr days will have to stop so he can also help you care for a newborn. The plus part is you said you are moving to seperate homes in Feb and baby is due in March so your SO will have time to adjust to putting family first. Sorry you are going through this but communication is key, if you don't voice your frustration he may have no idea how you really feel. Best of luck with the new baby.

Like OMG I can't believe you put up with that. There is no way he would get away with me missing doctors appointments. If he truly cared at all about you or the baby he would see that you made it to every appointment. Sounds to me like his loyalty isn't where it belongs. I would so look for another job after the baby is born and take care of myself and my baby. I would also get something to drive so I didn't have to rely on someone else. You need to put your foot down or you will always take second place where he is concerned.