I Can't Understand My Ex Husbands Intentions?!

Hi V.,

Here's my 2 cents.

1. As much as you would like to have Gabe's father be involved with him more, you can't change him. He's an ex for a reason.

2. This is what I did when I was raising my son. His father and I broke up when my son was 6 months old. We broke up because he wasn't around. His father wasn't involved, the only time he was involved was whenever I would call him to see if he wanted to see him that weekend or not. Any special event he had at school, I was calling him to tell him about it. My ex did nothing to initiate the contact with my son. I stopped calling my ex when my son was 6 because I got tired of always being the one to call and it felt like I was forcing him to spend time with his son. I told him that whenever he wanted to see my son, just call and he could see him anytime. Needless to say, I never heard from him. My son has always been first in my life, he knew that when he was little til today and he's 21 years old! I always put him first and whenever he asked about his dad I told him the truth, that dad hasn't called yet. I didn't want to lie to him and give him false hope. We did everything together and he knew no matter what, that I was there for him. I think as long as the child knows that they can depend on one parent, they'll be okay. I just asked him last week if he thought about his dad and he said no, that he feels that it really didn't affect him or his childhood because he didn't have his father around. He accepted the fact that his dad wouldn't be there for him and got over it. My son was an honor roll student, never did drugs or drank. Never tried smoking and was always respectful to everyone. He never gave me a minutes trouble.

I think if you keep trying to force Gabes dad to see him, it's going to have a negative affect on your son. Gabe will see through this soon enough and that might affect his self esteem because he'll start to think, what's wrong with me that Daddy doesn't want to see me?? It will be a tug of war on his emotions, will daddy be there or wont he? If Gabe asks where's Daddy, then just say I don't know or he must be busy this weekend. Keep it light and the answers simple. If you are mad at him, Gabe will pick up on it and he'll start to think that it is a big deal. When he asks, take him someplace fun or do something fun together to distract him. The more you stress about it the more Gabe will stress about it.

Also, I have to disagree with the person who said that you shouldn't date someone until he gets older. That is not logical at all. You still have your own life too! Just because you have a child doesn't mean that your life has to end. You just have to be careful about who you bring around your son.

Bottom line, be there for Gabe, you can't control what other people do with your son, only what you do with him. And that's the important thing. Good luck!

D.

Hi V., I wanted to respond this morning but had to leave the house very early this morning.

Here is my call on this situation and my thoughts.
1. You can't change your ex. You can only change you.
2. Never EVER put down your son's dad in front of him or tell him he is a bad person or dad. NEVER!! He just might be but you never ever tell your son that. Gabe was created in Love and that is the most precious part to come of it. That is what is important.
3. Yeah his new step mom may be controlling his daddy but you don't speak ill of her either.
4. You've been divorce 3 yrs, I think you also deserve to have love & companionship in your life. I think you are wise enough to not want to put yourself or Gabe in a unstable relationship.
5. Hopefully Gabe likes & cares about your fiancee and he loves Gabe also.
6. Talk to Gabe and let him know he is Number 1 in Your life and you will always Love him no matter what.

I think the military frowns on dads not taking responsibility for their children. I hope he is paying support for Gabe.

Personally I would let your EX know one last time, the ball is in his court. If and When he wants to see Gabe he can and just call to schedule the visitation. Then I wouldn't call again. Don't place blame or accuse as that just gets up the defensive mode. It would be easier to write it out in a letter and keep a copy for yourself. Phone converstaions are one sided and the ones listen (new wife or fiancee) will never know what was said on the other end.

If you can remember back you can keep dates, notes ( for your self only) of the times you have invited him to visit and he has declined or something else came up and he couldn't. This could help later down the road if anything of a serious nature arises over visitation.

My main point V. is live your life with Gabe, be happy and enjoy every single day you are given. Never slander or back stab, or put down his dad.

I was disappointed with some of the posts you already received. Sorry but I could never tell a child I picked the wrong daddy for him and he just isn't a good man. It's Free Will.
The mistakes in a marriage are the adults responsibility and should never be placed on a child's shoulders to wonder about.

God Bless you V., I hope and Pray you can glean some good suggestions and thoughts and find something that gives you peace.

Always
K. Nana of 5
PS Thank you So very Much for Serving Our Wonderful Country through your service in our Military. God Always keep you safe.

Keep records... Instead of calling, send an e-mail to offer up the time, and on the e-mail do return receipts...File these away, I kept an electronic archive. Your son is all you have to worry about. If ex is cheating, that is his new wifes and his problem, not yours, as much as it affects your son. Best thing to do is let it be, that is the only great thing about divorce, is what the ex does in their spare time is for them to justify to themselves and new spouses.

So now - Keep as much record as you can, that way you have proof that you are offering time up to him, that way if for any reason he tries to take you back to court, you can say, well judge, I have offered and he refused.

Yes your son is torn up, who wouldn't be? The best thing for you to do is just remind him that you both love him and only want the best, but daddy can not spend time with you. If son asks why, let him call daddy and let daddy do the explaining, again it is ex's choice to not spend time with son, not yours, so let him tell the son why.

Belive me over time your son will see it, and realize that mom is there for me always and you gain the respect.... My boys (19&14) are seeing that now and they are also watching their dad go thru divorce #2 and because of it all they are actually happier, as dad now has time for them, not the step kids or the wife....But I am sure as a new woman comes into his life, that it will happen again.

Good Luck!

V., i hate to say it but my advice, as an adult child of divorce who had three young siblings at the time is - let it go. let your ex be a crappy dad at this point in his life if that's what he wants to do. my parents' divorce was civil too, and they all seem to be, until another woman comes into the picture. it's ridiculous. from my experience it sounds like he is more worried about pleasing new wifey than being a good dad, and that is usually the case. she is there in his face ALL the time, and it's easier to "compromise" by spending less time with his son to please her, since he has to live with her. he may be giving you the impression that he blames you, but he knows that you try to give him all the time you can. IF it's true that wifey is discouraging him from seeing his son so much, then your son will pick up on the truth as he gets older. there is NO merit in putting yourself in the middle of it - literally NO good will come of it, and worst of all, your son will look at you as the instigator/bad guy. my mother was awesome at keeping to the high ground and now that some years have passed, i think all of us kids see the situation a little more clearly, when at the time my younger sibs didn't know what to make of it because they had "some" people telling them things that just weren't true. like i said, my mom kept the high ground and in time my "new stepmother" showed her true colors so that everyone saw through her. yes, i'm a little bitter, but at least it's not towards my mom for getting into the middle of a bad situation and making it worse. my mom truly kept the welfare of her KIDS first on her priorities, and now that we're all adults we love and respect her even more for it. hope this helps. sorry if i rambled!

Before you point the finger at your ex-husband’s new wife you need to take a look at what you are doing yourself. It doesn’t do you any good to be disrespectful toward his new wife and questioning the stability of their marriage. Your ex is dealing with two families.

Military life isn’t easy. You deal with deployments, change of station, being far from supportive grandparents— extended family and on and on. You probably have access to family counseling on Post or other resources can be found by calling or visiting MilitaryOneSource.com (1-800-342-9647).Maybe you can take a look at co-parenting and blended families at Helpguide.org.

What you can do is sit down with your ex and your calendars and plan the year out. Get it down on paper. Leave all the negative stuff about the "new spouse" at home. If either of you go down the wrong path by dogging the new spouses you need to just nip-it. Be about helping your son have a positive relationship with his other set of parents and sibling. Keep your approach positive. Be clear on your expectations and stay focused to resolving this one issue. Then plan to meet with him regularly as other things will come up.

First of all, thank you for serving our country....I truly do admire this.

Secondly, here comes the whammy: please....for the sake of your son....please back out of your EX-husband's life. If you're checking up on his life, then you haven't emotionally let go of him yet. Let him go....let him continue to make his own mistakes.
Instead, focus your thoughts & energy on your son! Don't offer him to Dad for holidays, spring break. Grab this precious time for yourself & let Dad be the adult/be responsible for his own visitation. It's better for your son to be happy with you....than used as a pawn/knowing that you had to force Dad into visitation. This will seriously mess with your son's psyche if it continues.

I wish you peace & happiness.

I would try to explain what it's doing to your son.

But then let it go. I wouldn't let your son know when you call to see if dad wants the time - until dad says yes.

Dad sounds unhappy to me.

wow this hit home! I was and still am in this situation. I gave up and stopped trying to police my ex. I just do fun things with my three boys instead. He is missing out and now that you have another man in your life they will get some dad attention. I would stop beating yourself up and just find other ways for them to get some attention from their new step father. Nothing you say or do is going to make your ex toe the line and be a good father. Look's like he is just manipulating you, don't give him that power. My kids are all teenagers now and they see my ex for what he is, they still love him but they value their step father more. I know that its not right for the kids to be hurting and you just want to bash your ex for it. Explain to your son the best way you can that his father loves him but is going through a difficult time. Meanwhile get him excited about doing stuff with your new love. Also give him loads of attention, shower him with love!

Wow, most dads are fighting to see their kids and your ex is fighting not to. Very sad indeed. I would let it go. Let him make the call to see his son. Do let your son know what you are doing. How involved with your son is your fiancee? Maybe that is what needs to be done...your fiancee can be a dad to your son, especially if your ex isn't being one right now. Talk to your fiancee and see what he would like to do. If he doesn't want to be involved with your son then you may want to rethink your marraige to him...just a thought. Sounds like your son will need a dad and the one he has is dropping the ball. Thank you for your hard work serving our country. Good luck and God Bless.

I wouldn't push visitation, I know it is h*** o* your son, but it is what is best. Also documnet document document...everything that is said, write it down, every cancellation write it down, any phone call...time, date etc.
One day you will be glad you have all this documented...that way he can't come back and say you kept him from seeing your child.
I am sorry for this, your son has one loving parent, focus all you can on him and don't trouble yourself with why your ex is being a jerk...do what is best for yourself and your son.

Is there court ordered visitation? You may have to get a mediator.

Lots of luck
B.

My ex and i were alot like you guys! Until the step mom came into the picture. Have you thought that maybe she is running the show? I found that all i could do was try to make up for the dad not being there and write down every time i called him to see if he wanted a visit or when he didn't show up for one. You will find that keeping a journal of what happens will be very helpful in the long run. My girls are now 21 and 17 and haven't seen their dad in a few years but not by their choice by his. We live an hour away from him and even if he can't reach me by phone he can always call my dad who has had the same phone number for 40 years. Anyway i hope that things come around for you but if they don't keep a journal. It comes in handy in court.

Write it all down. Dates and times. Keep a good journal of everything related to your ex and visitation. Add any details about when your son comes home from time with dad and step-mom...comments that aren't quite right, etc. Also write down the good stuff...Just make a habit of writing down stuff as it happens. I made the mistake with my ex and never kept track of this kind of stuff (I was told to and didn't think it was that important)...Well, it came back to bite me. WE had some problems come up with the kids and, long story short, he was able to twist facts to make it look like I had tried to keep the kids from him (I most certainly DID NOT!). All you can do is offer the extra time. If he chooses not to take it, write it down that you offered and he said no. He may have had a solid reason for not being able to, and it really isn't your business as to why, however, if it becomes a pattern you will have written proof of that. Be honest. Don't add "I thinks", just add what you know to be factual.. For Example:(March 17, 2009: Offered son for the coming weekend and father said no. or March 9, 2009 came home smelling bad and commented that he never saw dad the entire time he was there....or March 23, 2009: Really enjoy going with dad to the zoo...). If you keep track, if he suddenly decides to be a dad and he sees that your son isn't comfortable with it...Dad will blame you for turning him against him... You'll have written proof of why it really occured... and if you ever end up in court you can show proof...Times and dates mean a lot...so make sure to keep that information. As far as worry about what dad is doing when he isn't with your son, or even when he is...unfortunately, you can't do anything about it unless your son is in physical danger and even then you have to prove it... I was very optimistic about the "system" taking care of things and that "system" failed me... Love your son and learn to let things go in regard to your ex...When he gets older he'll see for himself what happened and you won't have made him to see things through your eyes...Let him learn it for himself. Hard lesson I know, but in time it will all come out who really took the time to be a parent and who didn't. Good luck.

Val,
Because I have fought the same situation and desire to keep the father of my children in their life for years... I have an opinion or two on the subject. Val, I suggest that you just focus on being mom. You are going to have to let your ex go and do what he pleases and stop pushing your son on him, he isn't the dad he used to be at this point. It is your ex's loss. You just raise your son. I would be better for your son to have a very solid mom then to have the rejection of his dad constantly in his face. Your prayer should be that eventually come back around, but it sounds like bitterness has set in and you shouldn't expect ANYthing from your son's dad. Don't allow yourself to get emotional about it because I doubt he will change so accept it and be the great mom that you are.

First of all I am a military wife and yes most people in the armed forces are players. He is most likely planning something else for that time your son has spring break. But to automatically say he is a bad dad or unfaithful husband is a leap. Just be thankful you have custody of your son. Love him like ther is no tomorrow. Have a great engagement. When your ex starts his whinning remind him of the time you said he may see your son and tell him he made a choice, and you know per his commander that he was lying. Have a great day, thank you for your service to our country

How does your son feel about visiting his Dad? Does Gabe like his step mom also? I would let Gabe decide if he wants to go and explain to him that you are trying to let him see his Dad, however, his Dad is not responding. I hope your son gets to see his dad before he goes on a TDY mission or if he is being deployed for a year.

Hi V.,

Instead of me writing a long response, what I'd advise you to do is take all the ideas from Casey, Ruth M, Carrie B, and Mo B. and write them all down on a sheet of paper and follow it. All of what each of the four said is sound advice. You'll find out it'll make life easier.

I've dealt with my share of junk that my former spouse has thrown my way. Now that he's moved out-of-state, he's not in the picture as much. Now my new husband, (of 4 1/2 years) is trying to adopt my 11 y.o. daughter, (which she wants by the way).

Good luck and congratulations on your engagement!! Give Gabe a BIG HUG for me!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME IN SERVICE FOR OUR COUNTRY!!

GOD BLESS YOU!! ls

It doesn't matter why he's doing this, and you don't need to understand. This is what often happens in divorce. You have no control over your ex-husband, and your child is suffering because he is not a nice person. You should explain to your son that his father has been dishonest and is not a nice man. You can tell him that you don't know why he is like that, and you are sorry you did not choose a better father for him. Then tell him you know it makes him sad, and that it makes you sad, too. But this is the truth, there is no changing another person, and your son needs to know now so he will suffer less in the future.

I would also suggest that you do not remarry or date until your son is grown. Don't you think he's going through enough right now? Introducing yet another man into his life who may leave is wrong, and having more children will only make him more unhappy.

The key here he is your EX! Now go enjoy that you are no longer attached to this man(child) he has not grown up yet and he is alredy moving in on another marriage-how long do you think that will last? Nt that yo should careat this time. You can enjoy your upcoming new marriage-think carfully is he like your EX? If not it should be long with many happy years. Don't play into your ex-simply talk to him as you might talk to a oh lets say a 9 year old-they think a little bit more han 6 yrs olds. Make sure his new wife will be present to take care of Gabriel-as he really does not sound like he acs at all with him-it may be something he uses on his new wife to get her attention. Don't go after it-let him come to you when he is being honst and not fooling round with schedules-that is what you must stay on and let him know that too.Your son is old enough to talk t a childre's counselor-no in school go private and it will stay private. Tell your son he is loved but Daddy has some issues to deal with that is not his (Gabriel's) problem. Tell him it may take Daddy a long time to understand himself and please understand he is not the problem! Get a counselor before it tunrs into a behavior situation. Good luck and enjoy your new life-you need it!

sounds like he is very unhappy and maybe he doesn't want your son to be around to see how unhappy his life has become. His new wife has probably brainwashed him against you and possibly made up stuff if you have talked to her at all.
Write down everything in a journal so if he ever decides to take you to court for custody then you have everything written down and accounted for as to how many times you have offered for visitation and he hasn't taken the opportunity. Work out a plan because it isn't fair to you that he gets visitation for all holidays. I know with being military it makes it harder as you can't plan too far ahead as plans change. I know they did for us when hubby was in the Army for 20 years. There were times we had to pay for events months in advance and wasn't anything planned but when that month came we didn't get to go because he had to go to the field and we paid for reservations and were not able to go. He was infantry for 20 years and wasn't always home on holidays so we learned to adapt around military schedule and sometimes had Christmas 2 weeks before and if he wasn't home for other holidays, we planned to visit family or got together with the other families in the unit.

Hope it all works out for you and your son.

I absolutely disagree with the advice you are receiving about confronting your ex husband, that would not make things better for your son, which should be your ultimate goal. It could be that your husbands new wife has problems with him visiting his son and is making his life miserable over it, or it could be that he is struggling with other issues in his life that you really have no idea about.
Your first and only issue with him should be your son, his welfare and peace of mind. First of all, please, PLEASE do not let Gabriel see or hear any of the negative feelings that you are having towards his Daddy right now. I have seen children that have been pushed and pulled by battling ex spouses and it is so harmful to the child. You say that things used to be going smoothly between the two of you, so do everything you can to get back to that point.
Let your ex know that you will work with him to make visits as frequent and smooth as possible, then back off. Don't fuel the fire by "checking up on him"...it only makes you feel more negative towards him and how do you think it would make HIM feel if his Commanding Officer or NCOIC happened to mention to him that his ex wife was calling and checking up on him?
Concentrate your energy on making your son feel as loved and secure as you can. Help him do things to make him feel like he is in touch with his Daddy....write letters, make calls, etc. It will pay off in the long run with a happy healthy little boy in the future.
Good luck and thank you so much for your service to our country. God Bless You!!!

As for dealing with your son's feelings about not seeing his dad, this is what my mother told me when I was very young and it released me from any ill feelings for a very long time. She told me very truthfully and matter-of-factly that my father was not responsible enough to take care of me (which was why I could not fly out of state to visit him). She clearly communicated that he had some problems, and the problems were his. Knowing that my dad had issues kind of made me feel a little sorry for him, but more importantly, I never felt that him not being around was my fault. A lot of kids feel abandoned, or that daddy must not love or like them, otherwise he would be there. But I could shrug it off as my dad had problems and he was incapable of having a relationship with me in any real way. And that was the honest truth. I understood that while still in grade school. It sounds like that's pretty much the truth with your EX. Right now, he has issues, and is not capable of being a really daddy right now. And he may never be.

I would first confront him about why he was lying to get out of seeing his son. Then tell him you arent going to call him anymore to give him the chance to see his son, hes a grown adult and should make his own decisions on when he wants to take the time out of his busy life to see his son. Its not up to you to tell him when he can see him (unless its court ordered) let him call you when he wants to see him, and when he says I will be there on such and such a date to pick him up, dont tell your son he is coming just in case he changes his mind last minute you dont want to get your sons hopes up that daddy is coming then to have his heart broken if he dont show up. Seems like he plans on taking his son then something better comes along. His son should be one of his priorities in life and if he doesnt know that then he will be missing on alot in his sons life.

Children are more observant than their adult counterpart. You believe that it is his dad that is tearing him up by his acting too much like an absentee dad. You are at least half right. Your son feels the tension between you and his dad and he knows that he is the reason for it. A suggestion; Leave dad alone. Let him sing or swim as a father on his own. Use the time to spend with your son as he will need more of your quality time since he has no relationship with his dad. Get use to doing this as there is no gaurantee that your son will bond with his stepdad to be. If the dad wants to have visits with his son in the future even though the requests may be spotty be open to him without hostility. Do nothing to discourage your son from loving his dad. You do not have to go out of your way to do this but encourage your son to love his dad at the times when it comes up naturally. As I have no degrees or certificates in this area you must take what I have said with a salt shaker full of salt. R.

Well hes not your husband so I dont know why you are calling and checking up on him. If you have done things like that in the past, I can see why his new wife would have problems. No, hes probably not cheating on his wife and whos business is it if he is? The only really subject you guys should have together is your son. I wouldnt confront him about you checking up on him because it will probably make matters worse. I would let him know, if you dont have plans with your son and its ok for him, he is always welcome to have visits with him. Thats really all you can do. Getting into his personal life is just going to cause more problems with you, him and his wife.

Hi V.,
My only other thought is that maybe your ex is playing you against his new wife. If he only argues with you when his wife is around, he may be telling his wife that you won't let him have Gabe when he wants, but really you are. This happened to a friend of mine. I would confront him about his lie. He should tell you the truth why he truly will not spend time with his son that week. I truly feel for both of you, I hope your ex realizes the precious times he's missing with his son.
Good luck and God Bless,
C.