Husband Wont Work

Is he possibly depressed? What does he do with his time, is he productive or does he just lay around? It's hard to advise without knowing why he refuses to even try to get a job. The fact that he quit a job because he "couldn't handle the new boss" would make me wonder does he not get along well with others or was the boss unreasonable and difficult to get along with? Typically one doesn't quit a job without having a new one to go to, so whatever his reasoning, low self-esteem, refusal to play by the rules, whatever, it may have just snowballed within him and brought him to the point he doesn't want or is afraid to try.

At the very least I'd suggest marriage counseling for the two of you to try to determine the problem.

omg, what a nightmare.
i just have no patience and no excuses for a man who won't work.
i'd be out the friggin' door.
khairete
S.

Responsible, independent adults don't quit their job and leave themselves with zero income simply because they don't like their boss. He's found his meal ticket. He could do any sort of work. Now, I know that the job market is terrible, but he should have known that before he threw away the paying job that he had. This is not a time when we can be picky about our jobs. Since he quit and was not laid off, he isn't even getting unemployment. He is not working due to choice. Kick his sorry a** out or find your own place, depending on whose name the lease is in.

Explain to him that he can either get a job or lose a wife. Period.

I agree with Dawn. This doesn't smell good to me. The timing is suspicious. It sounds like he waited til the marriage was legal and you were "stuck" with him. Now you are too busy and too tired to do anything about his refusal to work.

You're working 60 hours a week? That's not sustainable. Save your sanity and your health. Quit supporting him which will cut your expenses so you can cut your hours. Use the "time off" to get some counseling for yourself. Because you'll need help to stay strong when he promises to get a job if you take him back, or gets a job til you do, then quits and puts you through the whole cycle again.

He's going to get out of the house - either into a job, into counseling, or into his own place. Stop enabling him. He may be clinically depressed and need some therapy or medication or both. You need to get some counseling to find a backbone. Stop the screaming - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results.

Start tomorrow with a separate bank account that he has no access to, and tell him you are renting a storage unit in 2 weeks so you can start moving his stuff out. Divorce may be your only option - but actually, how much worse could your life be? You don't have a marriage now - you have a dependent who yells at you. Get some good advice from a professional about how to protect your assets and how to guard against someone who uses you. If he takes some positive action, great - but it has to be sustained and he has to make a commitment to you, to your marriage and even to himself. If he won't do that, you have your answer.

My husband is currently at home. We moved our family across the country for my career and to be closer to my family and he's "job hunting" (very actively) right now.

Having said that, he is very much the stay-at-home parent right now, but that was not the case initially. He's been in FL with us for two months now and the first month (while he was renovating our new house), I cut him some slack b/c he was at the new house EVERY day ALL day. Then... we had to chat. It wasn't a "fun chat", but bottom line is that until he gets a job, being a SAHD IS his job. Neither of us has ever really been a stay-at-home parent so we had to define those expectations together.

Bottom line, if he's home while the kids are in school and doing nothing... that's a real problem. If you come home to a clean house, laundry done, homework finished and dinner started... that's not really a huge problem. Talk with him (not AT him) and define your expectations and give him a chance to meet or exceed them before resorting to a divorce. I assure you that route won't be "easier".

The longer you live like this, the longer it will take him to straighten out his life. He won't get spousal support just being married a year, so tell him either get out of the house and get a job, or it's over. He might not believe you, but you have to MAKE him believe you.

Sometimes people don't do what they have to do because someone else does it for them. Unless you want to continue working 60 hour weeks, you need to put a stop to it. I have a friend whose husband did the same thing 6 months after they married. They've been married 20 years now, and he STILL does not work. SHE is a neat nick and he won't pick up a thing. She does ALL the house cleaning and he doesn't lift a finger. When I asked her about having children, she told me that her husband is a large child and she doesn't have the strength to do all the work for a small one too. (Plus hold a career.)

And no, she didn't see it coming. He worked until she was legally his wife.

Don't let this happen to you...
Dawn

Is he doing the child care, cooking, cleaning, taking care of family appointments (dentist, doctor, school), etc? If so - he has the same 'right' as any stay home mom. If not, perhaps counseling (couples) would be beneficial. Being out of work can be very difficult and the process of looking for work can seem like an unending series of rejections. He may be clinically depressed and need help for this.

Of course - I don't think any adult really has a 'right' to stay home (mom or dad) just because they prefer to. But I suspect you would be getting way different answers if you had posted something like - 'I quit my job because I hated my boss. Now that I am home, I realize how much I love being a SAHM. My husband is screaming at me to go back to work. We don't have a lot of extras on his income but we are getting by and I love the time with my kids'.

My husband doesn't work either. If you can figure out a way to get yours to work, please let me know.

Does he clean the house while home? Does he make dinner, take care of the kids, do the shopping, take care of the yard? Is he contributing to the family in any way?
If so, he is doing the work that many SAHM do. Does that make it any less stressful? no! (I just point this out that if a man was writing that his wife doesn't work, but does the above, we may answer this differently)
But the bottom line is, your family need $$ and no amount of help at home can bridge that gap, sounds like an honest discussion needs to take place. You need to find out 1. what are/is his fears/perceived roadblocks about seeking a new job 2. What support does he need to overcome those roadblocks 3. what time frame can he give you for getting back into the workforce.
"Listen, honey I care about you and our family. It concerns me that you have 'given up' is something going on that you need to share with me? I am here to help you, but the reality is I need some help understanding your decisions."
If he is unwilling to seriously talk with you about all this without getting defensive, then lay down an ultimatum.
good luck!

No more screaming matches. Nobody is listening when screaming is going on. Is there someone you can move in with (parents, aunt, or sister)? I would move out when he is not around. If he calls you, calmly tell your husband that this is not the marriage you took vows for. No ultimatum, no argument. Just a sad statement of how this is not bringing out the best in the two of you and you need to get away for the sanity of the both of you. (He needs to see what life looks like without you - don't tell him that.) No divorce, just separation, but don't tell him that either. Just say that you need to get away because it is too hard.

What he does next will determine if he is husband material. If he gets a job (not just applies - anyone can do that), then you know he is the man who wants to be your provider. If he doesn't, then you know that he is not the man you thought you married.

You must stay calm and get your sanity back. Then you will be able to make the decision after some time.

I'd tell him how you feel including that divorce is the only way you can think to handle this. Use I statements. Don't accuse him of anything while telling him how it's affecting you.

Fighting is emotionally exhausting. Fighting is not helping and so I'd refuse to fight.

Do you have any idea why he's not looking? Perhaps counseling would help him gain more confidence and courage. Also there are groups for those who are unemployed. I see one advertised in the paper that meets at the library. They provide support and give lessons in how to job hunt.

For your own sanity, stop expecting him to find work. Accept that he's not looking and stop asking him about what he's doing or commenting on what he's not doing. Find a way to accept him as he is while encouraging him to do specific things. Tell him you know it's hard to find a job and suggest that you'll focus more on helping him than criticizing him. Perhaps circle job opportunities in the paper. Find a group for the unemployed. Find a class at the junior college.

If he yells at your suggestions and won't go to counseling then my next step would be to plan a way to live on my own. There is no point living with someone who is not a part of the solution.

You may qualify for state aide. In your circumstances, I would only work 40 hours and get outside assistance.

After reading GrammaRocks, I suggest that you try to get him in to have physical exam. It's not likely but there may be a medical reason for his behavior. And I'd definitely consider that he's depressed and ask that he consider an antidepressant.

id flat out tell him to get a job or move out. you cant be the only income in the home. give him 2 months and when that 2 months is up he will either have a job or move back in with mom and dad. it sucks to be the person to have to give and ultimatum but he may need the wake up call.

my husband doesnt help a lick with the electric bill or groceries and i pay 300 of our rent. so i had to apply for state aid and hes mad because i wont give him my ebt card. i flat out told him no i will not give it to you because this is for putting food in the house not getting you soda chips and cookies. he says hes moving out and i said fine go. that was 2 months ago im still waiting for him to leave. :- /

Sounds to me like he's dealing with depression or a combination of other mental health issues. Make an appointment with him for a good counselor who specializes in career counseling - but is a certified social worker. Take him under the pretense of working with someone who can help you figure out what kind of job is best suited to him. Tell him it's a deal breaker. Part of a marriage is supporting eachother through the rough times. He's having a rough time. But - he also has an obligation and that's to be your partner, the provider and protector - and he's not keeping up with his responsibilities. There is no way you should be working 60 hours while he can't deal with his mean boss. That to me is the indicator that there's a mental health issue going on. If he won't go then go without him. Too bad you can't get a script for antidepressant that you could slip into his food.....

Good luck mama.

ADD: Re. men and depression - often they withdrawal but don't seem "sad". And when we get depressed, it's hard to try because we assume we'll fail. If he's at that point, it could be a problem. The local employment offices may have resources he can use.

Original: Do you have kids? Is he doing the work of a Stay at home Dad? If yes, then that may be useful in itself depending on how much he made prior. Is he clinically depressed? Unless the boss was a total trainwreck, "not being able to handle" might be a red flag for something.

If no kids, then talk to him as Jim below said. Make your decision from there. You have more flexibility to leave if you don't have kids - that's if he just doesn't care. If you have kids and it's an "I don't care" thing, you can change the locks.

Hopefully it's something you can fix. Good luck!

Love Dana's and Christy's answer and so agree!

I don't feel it is fair of any spouse to put all the financial pressure on the other but understand that sometimes it is counter productive with daycare costs. But once the kids are in school-you should both be pulling some financial weight.

Slowly start moving things out to a friend's garage or rent a storage unit. Start saving. Place a deposit on a GATED apartment in a far part of the city. Then in 30 days leave.

Don't tell him that you are leaving as he may fix it where you may stop breathing...

I think it gets easy to stay at home and not have to face rejection over and over.

He needs a swift kick in the hiney...lol. One that will tell him it's time to be actively looking.

If he does NOT have any sort of education that would benefit him in having a career he loves then school should be an option. If you are just making ends meet then he should be able to qualify for some sort of financial aid. IF you live in a town that has a University with married student housing that might be an option too. It's usually very very very affordable and all bills included.

It could be a break for you to live in a place where there are no housing stresses. It would also be a time for him to contribute to the household by learning and becoming a better provider.

Hi, N.:

Is there a Co-dependency support group near you.
Check the web at Coda.org.
Go every day/night until you learn how to take care
of yourself.

You have a problem of believing everything you hear.

Good luck.
D.

The first thing that hit me about your post is that you've been married almost a year and your hubby quit his job last year. Sounds to me like once you two got married, he figured you were on the hook and he didn't have to work anymore! Talk to him calmly - say "I don't want this to turn into a screaming match but I am stressed out, we are barely scraping by and this can't go on." If he doesn't respond to that, suggest marriage counseling. If he doesn't respond to that, you might have to give him a date of when you will be leaving if he doesn't have a job and stick to it. You are certainly in a tough spot. I'm sorry. Good luck.

Men have sensitive egos. It will be difficult but try & talk to him after you've been well rested not on edge after work... He very well may be deoressed etc. Dont forget to use "I feel" statements to not put him on the defensive. Please dont throw in the towel aka divorce. Ppl are so quick to forget the through the hard & poor times part of our vows. If you two cant afford traditional counseling google CPrep classes in your area @ a local church, its a classs to help you two communicate & not end up in screaming matches.. Also the church may be able to help with employment/job searching for him & other cheaper/free counseling.