Husband Upset That I'm Traveling for Work (Long - Sorry)

Good for you for standing up for yourself!! No offense, but your husband sounds a bit immature. What does he mean by saying that taking care of the kids is YOUR work? Didn't he participate equally (and probably happily) in bringing them into the world? Not to mention that you both work outside the home. I'll never understand why men still have this outdated mind-set about raising children or why they think they can get away with it.

Anyway, I don't have any real advice for you. Just wanted to offer my support. You stick to your guns --sounds like a great opportunity for you!

I use to travel quite a bit for work. Mostly in state day visitations with customers but a few times out of state visits for multiple days. My hubby was always really good about. My travel companion was my boss, guy 5 yrs younger than me who was a total jerk so there wasn't any jealously at all on the part of my hubby.

You've already told your husband about your travel plans. No need to mention it again. When you get the actual dates tell him the dates and times and then make whatever arrangements you need for your children. If he wants to argue with you about it just tell him it's not up for discussion and walk away.

Huh - I think you phrased it poorly.

You did not make a choice or accept to travel - you were asked BY YOUR JOB to travel for WORK. WORK - ya know - the place where they PAY YOU???

Asinine - we have an agreement in my family - if you have to travel for work you have to travel for work - period. He needs to get over it and you need to stop apologizing for being a responsible adult.

Hmmmmm...I wonder what went wrong with HIS day before you called!

My husband has always been supportive of me traveling for work, even when it entails traveling with male colleagues. We work through the logistics, make sure he has all the support he needs (very little is needed though...he's quite adept at handling the situation) and move on. As my boys hit their teen years, my traveling allows "my men" to have a bachelor week and do all sorts of things that drive me crazy, like eat pizza every night, not bathe regularly, never clean the kitchen...guy stuff.

Like yours, my husband is underemployed and has been for a long time. I try hard to not rub his nose in it, but I'm sure it still grates on him (he denies this, but I'm not sure I always believe him). Still, I always do my husband the courtesy of asking, rather than announcing...something like this: "Babe, I've been asked to go to the AP conference again this year. It's a week in Las Vegas with [list 3 colleagues, two males]. Any major objections to my saying yes?" We both know that I'm going, and we both know I'll go even if he says no, but that's not the point. The point is the courtesy. I'd expect the same from him!

Given what you've posted, it sounds like your presentation was too abrupt and blunt for his sensibilities. Perhaps an apology for not involving him in the decision making process would be in order. Asking doesn't necessarily mean you NEED his permission (obviously, you don't). Asking is a courtesy to say, "we're a team and I'd like your support on this."

Just a thought...

God, I can SO relate to you with this one! My husband absolutely HATES when I travel. It doesn't matter if I tell him way in advance...he convienently does not remember talking about it. I have taken all of TWO work trips since my kids have been born and my oldest is 5 and a half. And these were only about 3 days or so each. I do not volunteer to travel EVER...I only go when there is absolutely no way to get out of it. I have a great job in which my bosses treat me very well, so if I have to do a VERY small bit of travel every now and again, then it shouldn't be a big deal. I am also the breadwinner....I am approaching making twice what my husband does. My job keeps the kids fed and clothed and a roof over our heads. Mine works for the State so his salary seriously sucks...he needs to go back to school to get an advanced degree, but he flat refuses because he "just doesn't want to". Before I go on a trip, I make and freeze meals ahead of time so he doesn't have to actually cook. I load up everything that the babysitter will need while I am gone so he can just dress the kids and go. I have everything cleaned and laundry done before I go. It is never enough...he still bitches like I am purposely trying to make everything harder on him. I am frustrated too...I wish I had some good advice.

I think you handled it fine. I disagree with the post about ASKING him or discussing it with him - I think you did it your way because you KNEW he would react badly, and the trip isn't up for discussion. This is all about his ego, about his feeling small and inadequate. And of course, the remark about him being stuck with the kids who are YOUR responsibility is pretty 1950s. I would suggest to him that he has 2 months to develop his parenting skills and I agree with the post about him participating happily in the conception and therefore can at least participate grudgingly in their upbringing. He can either learn to prepare a few simple meals or the whole family can survive for a few days on cereal and take out pizza. Do you think he is jealous that you will be away and perhaps in a hotel with men? Oooooh - I know, silly. But it might be another aspect. I know someone who has been tormenting his wife for 2 years because she works in a company and associates with many salesmen. He is crazy jealous and has become very controlling. He's also in a declining industry and has had to lose his managerial responsibilities to do the entry level work as the company has laid people off. It's ruining their marriage. I wonder if your husband's issues are more about control (or his feeling out of control and like he's not a good provider) than about the kids being a problem.

Maybe get some short term counseling about it? It's a GREAT opportunity for him to bond with the kids and let them see him as a strong and competent family man.

Good luck!

If he's ever displayed this kind of attitude about your job before, I'd probably not have mentioned to him that it was an OPTIONAL trip. I'd just say, "Just wanted to give you a heads-up that my work is having me attend X next month. I'll arrange everything for the kids to minimize any stress it might cause us." Maybe he was not happy with the celebratory tone that you had. My hubby has learned over the years that if he wants to make me angry, talk about how excited he is for his next trip to some sunny destination while I am stuck home with the kids in the dead of a Midwestern winter...if he minimizes his excitement, I am less likely to get upset about it and have an easier time coping. Just my 2 cents.

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I think your husband sounds super UN supportive. I wouldn't tolerate that at all.

I"d tell my husband to get his balls from under the bed, dust them off and be a man, husband and Father. If you stay confident, stern and realistic - he should stop his childish temper tantrum as being held responsible FOR HIS OWN CHILDREN for a few days. If you cater to him as acting submissive or sorry that poor Daddy will be taking care of the kids in your stead - he'll use that as leverage to guilt trip you, second guess yourself, etc.

You can always bring up that if he made better career choices, this may have never have been an issue... and if you can be the primary breas winner AND caregiver every day, he can do at least half as good as you for 3 days.

Sorry if this may seem harsh, but I hate how men are such whiners when women ALWAYS do more than they do between careers, household duties, pregnancy/child birth and being the children's caregiver... grrr

Your household sounds like mine - primary breadwinner, some travel, and primary child and household caretaker....I was a bit annoyed reading he said he'd be doing YOUR work. I think my husband would have to be explaining a black eye if I heard that (totally kidding about the eye but yes, he'd hear something aweful!!!).
I do have to travel a few times per year for work. Usually I know a couple of months in advance and there is some flexibility in dates so when I know I'll be going I'll ask my husband if there is anything going on that week or if i should move it (if I can). There's never been an issue.
Your husband has two months of prep. If he's worried about not being able to handle all of the kids day and night without the extra hands then he has time to talk to someone (any family around; friends maybe) to see if they can come over for an hour or so in the evening while he gets bathtime done or something like that.
I'm sorry - I'd be pretty ticked hearing that response!

I agree that his reaction is probably not about logistics. I don't think it's about the trip at all, really. When the power shifts in a relationship because of changes in career status, it is very challenging for most men to accept and deal with. They can feel threatened and unnecessary when they are no longer the main provider for the family. These feelings can come out as anger, resentment, or apathy.

My ex would switch between being super proud of my success and being very snotty about it, saying things like "all managers suck" when I WAS a manager. He would say that he would pick up more of the house work as my job became more demanding and he ended up working part-time, but it never happened. In the end, I was the one making the money, caring for our children, buying groceries and cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., etc. while he was unemployed.

I don't have a solution for you. Maybe once he's had a chance to cool down over this, the two of you can talk. Maybe you can work to understand the basis for his reaction and how he is feeling about things in general, and not just focus on this one event.

Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it. If my husband were offered a big opportunity and called to say - look this is whats happening, put it on your schedule, I would be upset. I would like the call to go more like, "I was offered a great opportunity. I can't wait to talk it over with you and see what you think." Lets talk at dinner." Then we could have a conversation and come to a plan together. He's your partner. It would great if you told him about it and asked if he would be willing to pitch in for a couple days, rather than telling him this is how its gonna be.

I know what you mean and I am at wit ends myself with that kind of nonsense. I travel for work a few times a year, usually at 5 days a clip. I am on a business trip right now, typing from a hotel room in Chicago, and I went online frustrated to see if any other women put up with BS too.

I am a marketing manager for a scientific manufacturer and I travel to attend tradeshows. We set up our booth, work the exhibition, etc.

He's left home with our 6 year old daughter and 2 year old bulldog. He has plenty of help from his family but yet he's calling me up complaining about all the household things he has to do and how he's so busy and so miserable and this that and the other thing.

I work full time AND do this stuff and up until very recently was the sole earner for the house -- another story.

He yells at me when I don't pick up my phone right away -- uh sorry I'm WORKING.

And as he calls me up to complain doesn't ask about my day, nothing. I finally got mad at him and he pretty much hung up on me.

So now I really feel alone in this hotel room. Fkn men. Unreal.