Husband Not Helping

LOL, men are like kids...they like to play and hate to work! I made a chore list (I treat mine how he acts! LOL) and let him pick which chores are his. That way he knows exactly what he is supposed to do and it gives him something little every day! Now he even does things that arent on his lisT! Once in a while he will even do a little something off mine to help me out!

Oh my gosh...i feel your stress ... or is that my stress....
Men tend to have a one track mind and it's usually has to do with what they WANT to do, not what the NEED to do. I started a notebook that has the list of items that need to done each day in it. And these are the things that are basics that need done each day in order to not fall behind in the other aspects of running the house. If it's written down then it seems like guys have an easier time getting it down because it's not coming from our lips. You both can sit down and create this together so he doesn't feel like it's just a "honey-do" list.

Then I broke it it down into day sections so the long list didn't seem overwhelming. For instance, Breakfast at the top, then Clean up dishes, unload/reload dishwasher, sweep floor, Bring a load of laundry and begin wash. On the second page: Lunch, then clean up dishes/kitchen, change laundry, kids naps, pick up any toys that kids missed, Fold laundry and either put away or put in pre-determined areas, vaccuum

you can adapt to however it fits you. But start small. we found that the laundry & meal factors were the things that if we got behind there, then we were toast, so if those were the only things he got done, that was great to start with. My kids are 2 & 4 and they actually help quite a bit. when their done eating they know they have to help carry the dishes to the dishwasher. We already have the habit of picking up toys b4 we leave the room. My 4 year old can fold one mean towel.

We made a rule with dishes that no one left a dirty dish on the counter, if they were done it immediately went in the washer, not in the sink or table. I think that it's easy to get overwhelmed and just "shut down" because guys especially aren't sure how to get back on top the pile once it's started.

I don't know that's a "battle" you'll ever win to your satisfaction, but be appreciative of the attempts and strides their are. As a mom we will always desire more done.

Hi I am a mother of two children. This is my idea of this matter. Men can be hard to deal with sometimes, So when you do laundry make sure that you do everyone's but his and let him know that your not doing his laundry any more and that if he wants clean close that he can do it hisself. I don't know what all he doen't do, but really try to seperate things like this. And start taking time for yourself, without him around with him not doing these things even aftor you've talked about it, you probaly are getting very irritated and angry at him so make sure that you are spending time without him so you don't want to pull his hair out. Good luck!

This may sound rough but I had to do this myself and it worked for me for a while but I would suggest that you talk to him and threaten him that if he doesn't help you he needs to find a nother place to live and the two of you go in to couples counceling and get him back in to the house for the kids sake. I had to do that and he would not even go see a councelor to help himself. My ex-husband was so set in his ways that when he got with me he was just wanting a mother figure instead of a wife and mother to his children.

A.
I think that at some point everyone goes throught this with their spouce!! I finally sat with my husband and we made a chore chart to help me out!! I understand that you are BOTH busy but if you divide things up fairly then he won't seem to be overwelmed with things!! Men are usually unable to multitask which is hard for us to undersatnd...So make things simple for him and make sure that he understands that you are not able to do it all. Good Luck- A.

We're in the same boat, A.! I feel your frustrations. This same thing has been going on in my marriage for nearly 5 years. We saw the chaplain about this, and he called me "petty"!!!!!! I also had a "friend" tell me that I basically "had no right" to complain about the husband not doing any housework because he works all the time. She's no longer my friend for good reason. The husband and I nearly ended in divorce a few years ago because he's such a slob. He couldn't even simply pick up his stuff off the floor after I have a C-section, and I tripped over his stuff a few times, and luckily the wall was there to catch me from falling to the floor. He's actually gotten better over time, but he's still messy, and I am going to take some of the advice given here because the situation is creeping back up.

Oh, and I had another friend that was tired of picking up after her husband. She set a large laundry basket in the living room. Every time she had to pick up something of his, she put it in the basket. It didn't matter if it was a dirty dish or whatever, she put it in there. She told me that one day he came home, the basket was piled high with stuff, and he said, "What's all this stuff?" When she told him that it was all his stuff that she had picked up over the past week, he was shocked. After that, he picked up after himself regularly.

Welcome to the world of 99 percent of us women!! Sorry to say, but men typically do not feel it is their responsibility to do "women's work". Sad as it sounds but it's true. I dealt with that when my hubby was the stay at home dad.
Maybe sitting down with him and tell him the things that would be helpful for you, i.e., having the dishes done by the time you get home and the dinner cooked. Maybe he could have the children bathed.....and a biggy for men, they must always be recognized for what they do. oh, it's hard sometimes..but it works. The more I brag on my husband, the more he wants to do for me. Make him feel like he is the "king" of the castle (as much as you might not feel like it)...do a two-week test run....see what happens when you brag him up every single day for two weeks....see if that helps. It does for me....sometimes I have to bite my tongue (HARD)!! HEE HEE
Best of luck and God bless you and your family.
T.

When things get really bad at my house, I write a Honey-Do list. Then, right next to it, I write a K.-do(that's me) list. I try to keep the lists equal, so he doesn't feel like my expectations of him are more than my expectations for myself. He responds well to that. Also, I try to remind myself that when he's home watching our son, that's work too, and it's not always easy for the person with the child to clean. It can be a full-tim job just chasing after toddlers! I try to tell myself this when I get really steamed about the house. Instead of nagging him, I start to pick things up myself, and then I say stuff like "Honey, will you empty the dishwasher for me, so I can put these dishes in it? Thanks, that really helps."

I think all husbands to a degree expect their wives to do the housework, but I have started just telling mine when I am exhausted that I am going to play with our daughter and ask if he will go ahead and do the laundry. Usually if I am playing with our daughter he is willing to do what I ask of him (sometimes I get a sigh to go with it, but I can deal with that).

It's unfortunate, but sometimes we just have to accept that men generally don't see the same things we do when it comes to cleaning. Often they are content with a greater level of clutter/mess than most women (this is completely stereotypical of course). Perhaps you can give him a list of your expectations (keep it brief) and if he performs the tasks, you need to thank him--even if he did not do it the way you would have. I hope that when he realizes if he puts forth a little effort it will make you much happier.

A.,
Give him a choice of a FT job or cleaning the house.

If he gets a FT job I'm sure with both working FT you could pinch up enough money for a house cleaner to come in once a week. If he does not want to do his share, then he is not setting a good example for the kids either.

Stop cleaning and he will have to pick it up. I'm not saying to stop all together. Pick up anything that may be hazardis to your children, but when he needs clean dishes or clean clothes he will do it. Go ahead and do the kid's laundry if he won't but don't do his.

If that don't work us women have a weapon we all could use on a man.....ignor him and do not put out until he treats you as an equal.

I hope no one is offened about that last part, but sometimes that is what it takes.

A.: I am so sorry you are going thru this, too! My husband and I are in counseling trying to work this out (one dirty floor away from divorce) We are trying to understnad eachothers "jobs" this week- and deciding on "jobs" (I'll do this, this, and this...)It is so hard! We have been married for 7 years and have two children (6 & 3 1/2) This is the third time we have been in counseling due to chores. It seems so silly in the big picture but, it really does wear on ya, doesn't it?

Good luck to you! Please feel free to email me to chat or complain-sometimes just knowing that someone else is going thru it, helps.
H.

I went through this when I was married and it even ended up going to a therapist!
Each week he was responsible for doing this and I was for something else. When our son was a baby, we even agreed to get up together with the feedings and it felt as though we were both doing something~together!
Good luck and I hope this helps.
Oh, the therapist even had us do a list of what we expected of each other as well! We sat down and talked about it and it let one another know where we stood.
~~ANG~~

A.,

I don't know if i can help or not. I use to be in the military and worked 9 plus hours a day sometimes 6 or 7 days a week. I took online classes and classes on my lunch hour. then i picked up my kids from daycare and went home and did everything there. Some days i would get lucky and my husband would help me and i wouldn't even have to ask. but very rarely. When i got out of the military and we moved back here to billings i ended up being able to be a stay at home mom which was really nice, because i got to stay home with the kids and my husband went to work. i figured that yeah i was home all day i didn't mind doing all the house work. I went from a 4 bedroom 3 bath house to a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment this would be cake. Well by the time i started school full time in september i felt like a maid. it was to the point of where i was picking up after 3 kids and i had enough. we would fight and really bad, but in the end i still ended up doing everything. But for me it was easier for me to do it and do it right the first time then have to go and do it over just so it was done right and actually got done. Now me and my husband are going threw a really nasty divorce, but now to me its easier, and it took the divorce for my husband to realize that he was treating me like a maid, and if he comes over to see the kids he helps me do everything. so I hope his has shed some light. please let me know.