Husband Going on Another Vacation with Friends

Tell him that you and he are going on vacation and that is fact.

Then tell him all the extra money is for this vacation.

If he wants to take a MONTH off work and go on a vacation with his buddies he's going to have to find the money and time to take off work somewhere else besides the household income budget.

That would piss me off in so many ways that he'd never have a doubt in his mind that he screwed up.

If he insisted he was going on this vacation then you can bet that, before his vacation came up, I'd be gone on my own vacation and I would be gone just as long if not longer. And I'd spend anything I wanted to spend without saving anything for him to use for his time.

Sounds like you don't communicate well. You need to start, and if you're not comfortable initiating the conversation then find a marriage counselor that can facilitate them.

IF you can afford him going for 9 days and you can afford for him to go 4 weeks, then why doesn't he go for 9 days with the guys and the rest somewhere with you?

Although the accountant in me is flummoxed how he can 'afford' to take a month off of work after long term un/under employment.

I'd like to point out to those of who are assuming her husband is planning to take a 4 week trip that that is NOT what she says here. She says the trip is IN four weeks, as in it begins in 4 weeks, with the assumption that it will be the same length of time as last year (9 days).

L., it's definitely time for you guys to sit down and talk abut this more. He waited to tell you about this trip, and that's worrisome even if he is typically a decent guy. Basically, he kept it from you for almost a year. He should have talked to you about this upon returning from the last trip, since that's when he planned this trip. Let us know how it goes. You guys deserve a long trip together before he takes one alone again, that's just my two cents.

We live on a tight budget and have not been able to take many vacations as a family - so we do the camping thing, visiting relatives, etc. and making the most of it.

So I get the not having extra funds for going away.

My husband is an avid fisherman. About ten years ago, he was asked to join a group of fishermen on a weekend long (long weekend) tournament. He does this yearly. It doesn't cost him anything other than the $30 or so to contribute to food.

I will tell you - he gets excited by this to no end. He looks forward to this getaway for weeks ahead of time. He comes back renewed and relaxed. So I get you - on supporting them getting away.

However, it doesn't come at the cost of us getting away. We take a long weekend and getaway. That's what we can manage at present - but we do. It's not one or the other.

I would feel exactly as you do in your shoes.

If it were me, I'd plan a vacation for the both of you. I take the lead on our trips because my husband just doesn't think about this stuff. The tournament/fishing weekend is planned by the organizers - and it's not far away (they can drive). Maybe your husband is clueless. Mine sometimes can be. I just take the lead.

I should add - you both made assumptions - and communication wasn't clear. If he held back the info precisely because he felt you'd be upset - that's kind of a bigger issue.

I would be frustrated too.

If I were you, I would talk to him about your frustration and expectations - not in a nagging, complaining way but to let him know what you are thinking and feeling so that he can't say later that he didn't know. Then let it go for this trip.

After the trip, you two need to come up with a budget that includes travel and plan together what that travel will look like for next year. Surely he'll understand that using the entire travel budget for this kind of trip is unfair, and that some should be allocated for a vacation together (or for you to go on a trip without him if that's what you'd like). if he wants to go on another fishing trip that's beyond that budget, then he can figure out a way to fund that - perhaps with extra work, or selling some things he doesn't need, or whatever. But when a budget is limited, it's not right for one person to fund leisure time that excludes the spouse.

Friend trips, particularly ones that involve something challenging like this, can be a very healthy part of life, but they need to be balanced with wise budgeting of money and time also spent with a partner.

Men can be clueless...like he may not think of this as a "vacation" but a camping trip or guys getaway. He may even in his mind be thinking we can't afford a vacation like Hawaii or Europe but boy am I glad I can afford to go fishing with the guys for a few days.

You have to visit with him and look at the possibilities of the two of you taking a trip.

Costco has a travel agent and I don't know if you have to be a member or not but they have European vacations for a couple thousand dollars that include airfare. It would be worth the membership fee if you wanted to book one and you can online.

Maybe find the vacation you want and print it all out and when he is in a good mood to talk, present it to him and work on saving the money to go together.

Just start budgeting now for this same fishing trip every year because it sounds like a new regular thing he will want to do...so save the same amount for yourself and go to a spa for the weekend that he is gone. Good luck!! Then you both get a get away apart and together. Win-win.

You'll feel better if you just TALK to him about it.
I mean, he's probably clueless.
Have you ever brought up the idea of taking a trip together? Men aren't mind readers, you need to communicate your feelings clearly and directly.
He's happy to go fishing again because it's fun and his buddies are making it happen.
If you want to do a trip together then TELL HIM and start planning something!

My husband and I sometimes do things with friends separately, but not at the expense of endangering the household financial stability, and not instead of doing things as a family. He recently had the opportunity to go out of state to an event that would be perfect for his area of interest. As soon as he heard about it as a possibility, we talked about it. Once we got the details we learned that it cost much more than we had disposable funds and it wouldn't be possible to make it happen in the time allotted. So he didn't go. Disappointing, yes. But logical, mature, and drama free.

You and your husband seem to have a communication problem. He told his friends a year ago that he would go, but didn't mention it to you until now. That means he was intentionally avoiding a conversation. He knows he is being selfish and immature (whether he would admit it or not) but he still wants what he wants.

Of course you're upset. You should be. You should be telling him, bluntly, that committing something a year ago to other people and hiding it from you for 11 months is not acceptable. He needs to be told that you're disappointed that you don't have vacations together, and you want that to happen first, before any more expensive solo fishing trips.

You shouldn't assume things about what the two of you will do either. Talk openly about what you want and what you need. Discuss couple-vacations ideas as they occur to you.

You need to rock the boat, L.. You've been married for 20 years, but your marriage is not all it should be. There is no place in relationships for secrets and silent assumptions. You have to have the conversations even when it is uncomfortable, hard, or you worry someone might get upset.

I can understand your frustration. I know you say "he is not a selfish person in any way" but isn't he being that way now? He got a 9 day trip and now wants a 4 week trip, and you've had nothing. He's spending a ton of money you don't have to waste - it was several thousand dollars for 9 days, and so what does that mean for a 28 day trip? At least 3 times as much, right? And if this is a no-frills trip in the rugged outdoors, may I ask what it is that costs so much money?

And he is confiding in his friends but not in you. So what does that mean to you? He either knows this is wrong, knows it will upset you, or he doesn't care. Any of these is a huge red flag.

Is your husband perhaps suffering from some depression due to many years of financial hardship, so now he wants to kind of "run away" from his problems and pressures? What does it mean to you that he happily will spent 4 weeks away from you with a bunch of men who also don't have to work or who have so much vacation time lined up that they can be away that long?

No matter how generous he was with your children, he has an obligation to you - to be honest, to communicate, to share financial burdens, and more.

I think you need to express to him exactly how this makes you feel, and stop trying to diminish your feelings by saying you aren't angry. I think maybe you are, at least a little. If you are the sort of person who wants him to take these trips and is willing to "make it work," then why isn't he the sort of person who wants you to be able to go on vacation with HIM? If he remains uncaring, then I think you should get some counseling to work on how to express your own needs and see that they are met. Perhaps you should meet with a financial counselor as well to talk about ways to protect enough of your assets that you are not left in later years with absolutely nothing because your husband continues to spend willy-nilly.

Good luck!

I think assuming anything usually leads to disappointment. I agree with the others that talking to him and expressing yourself without anger is your next step.

I am a sensitive person. My husband isn't. I sometimes interpreted his reactions to things that he didn't care as much as I did. Then I figured out it wasn't that at all. We are wired completely different. I have to tell him what's going on in my thought/heart in order for him to realize. What I thought he should just know, because after all we've been married 25 years, he didn't know because it's not how he looks at it. These differences in personality actually compliment our family. He can be very logical and take feelings out of the equation while I can soften some of his edges.

Please talk to him. Not giving him the opportunity to know what you're hoping for is unfair. If after you've expressed to him what you're wanting and he's unwilling or puts his friends first, then there's issues to be worked out.

I think also it's not that he's going for 4 weeks, it's that he's leaving for this 8 day trip in 4 weeks but only recently told you about it when he told his friends last year at the end of the trip he'd like to go again.

What happened to a vacation for you both together? Did you talk about that with him? What did he say? Did you remind him that you haven't had a vacation in years, and now he is choosing his friends over his wife for one?

If you didn't, why didn't you?

His answer to you will tell you whether or not he's a selfish person.

If your children are grown, then what do you and your husband spend your money on, other than your own happiness? He is taking a chunk of cash to find his happiness - why not do the same for yourself? Treat yourself to a spa getaway, visit a female friend who lives far away, buy that purse you've been eyeing...something like that.

It sounds like you are saying that what would make you happy is a vacation with your husband. But it also sounds like he either does not know or does not care. So, for now, while you are dealing with trying to explain that to him, also try to find something else to buy to make yourself happy!

(Also - if he is a "good caring man" and "not selfish in any way", you are lucky to have him! So just plan your own trip or your own purchases and let your totally unselfish good caring husband enjoy his!)

You and he need to communicate about your vacation expectations.
Tell him you thought you and he would be doing something together this year and ask him why that's not happening.
Also ask him that he not do this trip again before you and he have a vacation together.
How are you/he going to afford an even longer fishing trip this year - and sheesh - 4 WEEKS?
Shenanigans or not - I'd be using that 4 weeks to see a marriage counselor.

Did you tell him that you wanted to take a vacation together this year? If not, then how is he to know that that's what you had in mind? If you haven't mentioned a vacation, then he may not realize that you want to take one together. Men are clueless sometimes. And I don't think he "confided" in his buddies; he told them at the end of the trip last year. I know every year hubbie and I say "we're coming back here next year" and then don't so he may not have realized that everyone was serious when it was said at the end of the last trip.

Talk to him.

No,no,no I wouldn't accept that. The first trip was a treat, and you were kind. You are not working to send him on a vacation anymore than you are working to send him out to a strip club at night while you stay home and darn socks. Just an example, not a real fact for anyone getting confused. If he wants another vacation with the guys then he can figure out how to make the money to do that. You and he deserve a vacation as a couple. End of my litany.

I guess because my husband and I have vacationed separately many times, I don't see the problem in that part. He takes fishing trips with his dad and brother, I take sun/fun trips with my mom and travel to see our kids who do not live close. Partly due to finances and for us, we have special needs kids who do better if one of us stays home. I think I would worry more about solving this for future rather than be angry about the upcoming trip since that is unlikely to change anything (being angry about things that you can't change is pretty emotionally wasteful in my opinion).

Right when he gets back from this trip (not before), sit down with him and ask him "are you going next year"? If so, start a fishing vacation fund so it isn't a big hit on your finances when the time comes around. Also, ask yourself if you would rather have a vacation with him or without for your turn. Don't feel bad if it is without. With no kids at home, you guys spend plenty of time together - vacationing separately can be a good thing :) Then open an account for that vacation as well. If finances are a problem for two trips, it sounds like taking on a part-time job or cutting some frills in the household budget for each of you to get this extra treat each year would be in order.

Good luck!

I would be upset too - but did you actually tell him that you wanted to go on vacation with him this year? If not, then I can see both sides here. It is completely understandable that you want vacation time too, but he can't read your mind and if you didn't tell him...

When you talk this out with him, make it clear that he can go on this trip if he's already committed, but he shouldn't commit again because the next trip will be for the 2 of you. And then make that happen!