Husband Deep into Self Pity, Does Not Have a Career and Not Providing...

He does sound depressed. Some therapy might help him.
When I was dating I had a boyfriend who was a nice guy, fun to be with, had a brilliant mind, was head of heels in love with me, but there were some things that just bothered me. When ever something didn't go his way, he always blamed some external thing or person. He never could say 'this happened because it was my fault or I didn't work at it hard enough', etc. He couldn't take personal responsibility for his actions. I suppose it was a character flaw, but I knew it was one I couldn't live with. I married someone else. He married someone else, but he blames me because his life went the way it did. In this case he might be right, but I didn't want a partner who had to be pushed and prodded all the time (and I didn't want to take on that role). With all the good things he had going for him, I knew he just wasn't a good match for me.

Give him an ultimatum and if he doesnt want to stick to it.. get rid of him for a while so he can get his life together. Maybe he'll learn his lesson. And if he still doesnt change than there is NO hope. Move on.

My husband went through this a few years back. I was the sole provider and he couldn't get it together and "everybody and everything" was against him, etc. He also was "sickly" and always tired needed naps, "from what" I used to say "you aren't doing anything to need a nap for". Then it hit me. This man is a functioning depressive. He gets up goes about his day yet he was full on depressed. He let me make an appointment for him with a therapist. He had a lot of pent up anxiety and other stuff. For 2 years after we discovered that yes he was depressed I invited him to be a stay home dad. I did this becasue at the time I could afford it but also it would give him structure and feel like he was doing something for the family even if it wasn't monetary. Then last year I lost my big money job and I said "honey it's your time, what are you gonna do?" He got a job. And he is the sole provider right now, he is exhausted and overworked, but he doesn't complain, he says he feels so good taking care of us and feels like a man. Get hubs checked out. If that isn't the case than you my dear have an unmotivated man and that's a hard nut to crack.

I believe that your husband is depressed. He has all the signs of it. First, make an appointment for him with a doctor to rule out a medical cause for his lack of motivation and energy. Go with him and ask the doctor about prescribing an anti-depressant. I suggest that it might work best for your husband to be unaware of you wanting to ask about depression and medication. Depressed people often insist that they are not depressed and many people will not consider taking medication When you bring it up with the doctor, your husband may be better able to hear what the doctor says than what you say.

The first thing you need to work on accepting is that you cannot change your husband. The only person we can change is ourselves. Also accept that being angry and pushing him by yelling, demanding, etc. only makes the situation worse.

It may be that you will be better off without him. I suggest that you get some counseling to help you figure out what you can do to take care of yourself and the children. You cannot change him. You may be able to learn how to live with him as he is, but I doubt it. A counselor may be able to help you figure out a way to motivate him to get motivated.

When I faced difficulties in my marriage, both of us had several years of counseling and we eventually did get divorced. Some things are just not possible to fix.

I was brought up the same way. While it made me a tougher or stronger person, it also made me lack patience for the nonsense. It made me rough and rigid when it came to other peoples feelings or concerns. It made my appearance to others that I was better than they were or that I thought of it that way.

This is 2010 and there are plenty of families struggling to make their mortgage, put food on the table, and just make ends meet. If you are working part time to help out, good for you, you should be. You married him knowing what his abilities were and you still loved him...I am assuming. My husband has always made more money than I have and this year we are about the same. We are in this together and have to figure this out together. If you want him to be more productive, go to work full time and send him back to school. In 4 or 5 years you can stay home and hopefully the education will pay off.

I think the only thing that you can really change in this situation is YOU...you can change how you react to your husband....try to be a little more positive and affirming...see if he would react positively to that and start stepping up to the plate a little more.
I agree that it sounds like he may be suffering from a mild form of depression..and if that is so...a lot of this is not being done deliberately, if he is depressed he truly cannot be more productive, he can't stop complaining...and the more he tries...and fails...the more depressed he gets. Would you be angry with him if he had a physical issue that kept him from being productive and active? No...you would be sympathetic and understanding , wouldn't you? I am not telling you that I think this is something that you should just smile and go on....I know it is hard...but what I am saying that your attitude with help tremendously..both in the way you feel about things...and how you react to things...AND hopefully in the way HE feels and acts!!
I am speaking from personal experience about how attitude can change things...I have been overweight for years....and I hate it!! But the more my husband fussed at me...and more my daughters ( adults) said things to me about it...the more depressed I got...and the more depressed..the more I ate...and the more I ate...the more I gained. Do you see how it is a vicious cycle? I am not in the process of getting myself into the right frame of mind for really starting to watch what I eat and starting to exercise again. My husband has quit saying anything about my weight..he just tells me that he loves me no matter what... ( Just like I love him even though he has lost all that glorious HAIR that he had when I first met him 45 years ago!! lol) . Attitude is everything...it really does effect every waking moment of our lives...and since you can't change your husbands attitude the only option you have to work on changing yours and see if that makes life a little easier for you!!! Everytime you get upset with your husband...stop yourself , before you react to anything...and think of at least 2 things about your husband that you LOVE!!! What atttracted you to him in the first place??? His sense of humor....his gorgeous eyes....the way he holds your hand when you walk together??? Maybe you could start each conversation with him out in a positive way...."Honey...it always makes me smile when I see you playing with our little ones...I wish you would play with them for a while this evening so that I could get the kitchen cleaned up". Do you see what I mean? I am not saying this is going to be easy...it is going to take some work on your part...but isnt' your marriage worth working on?
Good luck to you....I wish you the very best!!
R. Ann

I am hearing alot of anger and hurt feelings and dashed expectations from your post. I agree he is probably depressed. it is hard to be the partner of a depressed person, because you can't "see" the illness. Depression is a malfuncion of brain chemicals, just as diabetes is a malfuction of the pancreas and insulin production. I would make a dr. appointment for him and drive him there myself. men usually listen to an "authority figure" like a dr rather than their wives. Also, I would tell him what your need, using "I" statementments rather than "you" statements such as "I need more help with the kids" rather than "you don't help at all." I would suggest therapy for each of you induvidualy, and also together as a couple. good luck to you

Well for pete's sake...you really believe it's okay to be so dang judgmental about your husbands part-time job when you are working part-time? I'm sorry. Being a stay at home mom is something many people would love to do but never will. Working part-time is a step above that and it's still not a RIGHT of every woman to work part-time just because she has kids.

What you describe about you working more than he in the home is just normal. It's the complaint of the ages and none of us get sick days as mothers. Men will never look at mothering as work when we do it. It's a lot of work when they do it. I get treated that way by the mothers I work for in my daycare. Many of them prattle on and on about needing time to themselves when I work 7 days per week. It's a pretty normal human weakness to think we have it tougher than oh just about everyone else.

As far as money for school, I assume you mean college. That's not a mandatory thing. Most of us just simply can't. We can't. I could never do for one and not for the others and we have 4 kids. Even if we only had one we still wouldn't have the money for college that some people feel entitled to. I don't know where that ever got started. People don't appreciate something that's handed to them on a silver platter. We should all work for our own lives. It is enough to provide them a loving home as they grow up.

Well, if you have these "naggy" conversations with him every day it probably is exacerbating the problem. He needs help obviously. Sounds like he feels beat down. You are his loving, caring life partner. Set aside some quiet time for just you and him where you can both talk about how to get out of this rut. I think you need to do more listening so you can determine how all of his negative feelings on life got started, and try to go from there to help him see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You are his wife and helpmate. Don't let your frustration make you forget what your real role is here. He needs your positive attention right now, not negative attention. Try helping him with love and kindness instead of anger and bitterness and if that doesnt work you may have to separate for a time to see if that will help him get back on track.
You didnt say how old you are, how many kids you have, how long you've been married. Young family life is the hardest time during your marriage, it's a hurdle that you will eventually jump over and put behind you. Don't give up too soon. It's easy to throw in the towel, it's hard to make it to your 50th wedding anniversary, but's it's good to get there.

Your situation cries out for marriage counseling. You two need new ways to communicate and your differences are causing too much strain to handle by yourselves. I strongly recommend that you go to a counselor together, and if he won't go with you then go by yourself. Good luck.

Hi K.,

I was recently in a very simlar situation and am now going through a divorce. I am not saying that is the answer for everyone but I am a much happier person now. I begged my ex for years to better himself and to seek help for his depression. He just kept saying that he was fine that he would be fine. I am like you where I just pick myself up and keep moving. Once my son came along I realized that my time and energy outside of work needed to be given to my son and since I was doing most everything myself what the heck did I need him for. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I now have more time, more money, and more energy for myself and my son. You have to make a choice...if you want to raise three children or just 2. I do know that everyone I have talked to that was a product of divorce the earlier you do it the easier on the children. They can adapt and get used to life with mommy and life with daddy. I know for me I did not want my son growing up watching his parents argue all the time in a loveless marriage with no respect. Once you loose respect for someone it is very hard to come back. It sounds like you are a strong woman and you will do what's best for you.
When I finally told my ex that I wanted a divorce (for the third time) he said, "I can't believe you are just going to give up on me." I looked at him and said, "you gave up a long time ago."

Good luck!

K.:
I could not believe when I saw your post. I did not realize there were so many people in the same predicament as I was. My situation is similar except I am not married. My boyfriend is my second child's father and at the time our son was born, due to the many medical problems we agreed he would be the stay at home father and I would continue working and providing. This of couse blew my family's minds and they never approved. All was going okay for the past 3 years but then I started realizing that although I was the only one working that the home stuff was getting done but not really and I still was doing the majority of it. The fact that I tried to get him to start working again was difficult and he came up with excuses too. Unfortunately for us, I lost my job as of June and now neither one of us has income for the past 3 months. I told him it was now up to him to step up and fend for us. I believe this was too much to request.
All my friends say I should leave him, that I would be better off without. Some say force him to start fending for his family. My family says get rid of him. As such you can ask for as much advice from people that you want and use it as you can, but all in all, you can only choose what you want to put up with and how long and for what reasons you decide.
I sometimes think we are placed in these predicaments because we are supposed to meet different people and find help in other ways.
The fact that you wrote this and I and many others are or have been in similar situations tells me that we can survive this. What you do, what I do and what everyone says you should do are things to ponder, reflect on, and ultimately share with your other half if you can.
If you would like to stay in touch more, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com call me at ###-###-####. If anything, maybe just chatting with someone in the same boat at the same time will be a point in both our lives that we can breathe and maybe even get a laugh in at some point.
Stay strong and know you definitely are not alone.

T.

K.,

Have you ever tried encouraging him out of his self pity. Sometimes in that state of mind, all a person needs is a boost of self confidence, not ridicule and condemnation. Try boosting his ego, let him know how much you appreciate the contributions he does make and help get him out of the self pity rather than expecting him to get out of it by himself. You have the key, help him get past whatever has gotten him depressed. Some people needs constant encouragement to reassure them that it is going to be ok. It's like being loaded down with rocks and nobody takes the initiative to move them, just pile more on and say to the person underneath, "Get up"..well sometimes, they may not have the strength to do so based on how much rocks they are under. Give it some thought.

alright well first off: been there done that. a few months back my hubby went through the same thing granted not for so long but still... anywho what i did was well ... NAG! i told him to stop being stupid a lot of people were going through the same thing and they werent giving up and hes got kids and a wife who depend on him he didnt have the luxury to give up period simple as that and everyday (NO MATTER WHAT!) he needed to go put applications in every where he could and if he didnt all day i would make him do chores no games no tv no sitting around feeling sorry ( at one point i turned off the power to the house and told him it was a blackout just so hed do stuff) the activity gave him endorphins which made him happy and before i knew it (figure of speech it took about two weeks) i had my old hubby back i hope this helps but everyone is diffrent so... good luck

I agree with Marda P. I would immediately stop running him down, because it's not working. I hear your frustration and honestly, I would probably be doing and saying the same things. K., this situation cannot be fixed by you alone--you need professional help from 3 people: His regular doctor, a psychiatrist, and a marriage counselor. You need help for him and help for yourself. I would take him back to his doctor to give/get an update on the ADD meds, and also to mention/discuss the depression & ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. And make a marriage counseling appt. for yourself. The counselor will be able to help you sort out your feelings. I don't think your husband is ready for marriage counseling right now--he needs to deal with the ADD/meds and his possible depression first. When he is feeling and functioning better, hopefully he will be receptive to marriage counseling. Once he starts seeing a psychiatrist and is feeling better, then hopefully his outlook with be positive, and he will be able & willing to contribute to your marriage and to the kids, and to your future (college, retirement, etc.) But K., it sounds like he's sick right now, and needs professional help. The marriage counseling for you right now would help you to deal with him better and also reduce your own stress and anger. Thank God for your parents being there to help out with the kids! God bless you and let us know how things are going.

K.,

I know you are frustrated. I'm so glad to hear your husband has gotten on ADD meds........is it helping? If not........try a different one. He may need an antidepressant as well.

Let me ask you this? Do you think you and your husband could work well as a team. If you were his organizer do you think he would do better? In my experience sometimes an ADD person will do a lot better if they have someone to set up their day and be their reminder. Why don't you sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband. See if he is willing for you to do that.

Is there something he just is really interested in? If yes then try and find something in that vein. If not there are options out there. I own my own small business. The two of you could start something like that in regard to your interests if you think you each have strengths that would help you succeed together. One of you good a paperwork, marketing, the other good at talking to people for example.

If you want to hear more about what I do let me know. You can do research on your own in regard to your interests to find something similar, and hopefully that includes something that would "ring his bells."

K.,
I totally get where you are coming from but it sounds like your husband may be either a manic depressive or just lacks huge confidence right now or both. Have him see a doctor and maybe a prescription will help. You are so fortunate to have your parents around to help out. One of my friends had this problem with her husband. She ended up going back to work instead and told him that he had to watch the baby. After one week of parenting he was motivated to get off his bum and look for a job. The other angle you could try would be some career counseling or last result say you are leaving him until he gets a job and gets his stuff together and stay with your parents.

One thing is certain K., and is that you are not going to be able to change him, just as none of us can truly change another person nor can they change us unless we want it for ourselves.

Sounds like your husband is stuck in a downward spiral which ends up just feeding on itself and reinforcing itself so in a very real way it's likely not something he is all of a sudden going to be able to talk himself out of. It's a tough place to be in. That is not at all meant to sound condoning of the rut he is in, but perhaps it can give you another perspective.

The one thing you can do is take care of yourself for several reasons. For one, stress is bad for your health although we take it for granted that we are 'just stressed.' Aargh!! The stress in these situations also robs of us the clarity we need to handle life's challenges in a more balanced way so we can find real solutions. The blame game doesn't go anywhere (but so glad you shared it and vented a bit!!) and becomes part of the cycle that continues to feed on itself. The stress created also, obviously, is a huge take away from joy and passion and fulfillment - all the things we dream of for our lives.

It starts with you - and I say that with great compassion. I know in the darkest moments of my life, and there have been some dark ones, I found in the end I had to be the source of the changes I wanted and needed to make - while getting the support in various ways from people around me.

Hang in there. You've got a full plate. To share something my father said when I'd had long nights up with my kids - "it won't last forever." I was still deeply tired and knew there was more to come, but his words of deep care soothed my soul. --- ( check out my profile if you'd like to learn a little more :)

Tell him to put his big boy pants on and be a true partner! Start helping in the house because this is whats needed to run a house. I would tell him to get his butt moving on a better job and take the one that makes the most money for now Stop pouting and work on having a loving marriage where you both are partners. Good luck!

Tell him to get it together and start provided for his family the way a man should!! Sounds like he is lazy with alot of excuses and fake "ailments!" I don't understand men who don't provide appropriately for their family. My husband drives one hour to work everyday! His full-time job is away from our home and he provides well for us. My full-time job is him, our children, our home, etc. I handle everything at home. We are equal!
There are no miracles out there and if it sounds too good to be true, it is!
Bottom line, he nees to pull his head out and get movin' on taking care of his family before he loses them!!!
Your ultimate job is your children and yourself! If he is not listening and has no interest in providing for his family then it would be time to move on. The last thing you need to worry about it an adult man who feels sorry for himself and doesn't have the backbone to do anything about it!!!!
Do what is best for you and your children!! Good luck!

Hi, K.. I remember your last post. the bottom line is you can't MAKE your husband do anything. Like the saying you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. so it sounds like it's time for you to make some decisions. either stay with your husband knowing this is what he's like and knowing he's not going to change or leave him. I know that sounds harsh, but it doesn't sound like he's going to change so you just have to decide if you're willing to stick it out. If so, you'll have to figure out a way for you to live with it and be happy. Maybe a trial separation would help; let him see what he'll be missing if he doesn't step up to the proverbial plate!