My daughter will be 4 in December and lately she has been whining about anything and everything. My son never went through this as much. When she doesn't get what she wants, she throws herself to the ground, especially in public. I've talked to her on her level about her tantrums and about using please and thank you words when she wants something. Any advice?
Hi K.,
I teach the Love and Logic classes here in Rio Rancho. Please feel free to drop in on the class Sunday the 15th at 6pm at the Unitarian center on Abrazo. This method allows the parents to be calm and empathetic while letting consequences do the teaching. Kids grow up respectful and responsible and the family dynamic becomes more peaceful and easy. Please call if you have any questions. E. at ###-###-####
Hi K.!
There is hope! =) I have a 6 year old daughter, and we have been through this also. The problem that arises in a tantrum is, they hope to make you so angry you give in and two they are struggling to find an effective way to show you how they feel, and due to the maturity level and the common "want what I want, when I want it" attitude leads to a tantrum.
I have found it most effective to first put a stop to the tantrum, sit down with my daughter and ask her "How does it make you feel when you act this way?" Does it make you feel good or happy? Usually the answer is NO! =) Then ask her if she rather feel upset and unhappy or if she rather feel happy? Usually the answer is "I want to feel happy" Explain to her that not only is she behaving in a way that makes her feel icky she is also pushing what she wants AWAY from her.
Explain that sometimes Mommys say no, but we have a reason why we have said no. Allow her to explain her self... Most of us parents are so programmed to respond with the timeless "BECAUSE I SAID SO" In my opinion as long as we are able to explain why we said no, on their level then why not just do it? The child feels validated and important when we do simple things such as take a few moments to explain. Dont get me wrong, it takes practice and you have to keep up with this, you cant try it a few times and expect it to stick but when you are repetitive with it, I promise you will see improvement, and in the mean time you will be shaping the manner that your child will interact with others. Kids continue this sort of behavior as I said before not only because they figure you will cave but also they have a need to be heard. The best way to completely put a stop to this behavior is to teach her how to talk to you and express her feelings with out being explosive. When she does something one way, simply explain to her how she could have done that differently, and explain to her what the likely consequences would be under each scenario. It is also a great idea to have this sort of talk with her when she is calm, and there is no current conflict at hand. Sit her down and let her know you would like to talk to her for a minute... If she is like mine she will fidget, and look around and play with whatever is next to her... Just gently ask her to pay attention when you notice that she is not, affirm the fact that what you would like to talk to her about is important... Have a talk with her before you go out also.. and just talk to her and let her talk to you. Encourage that she spill her feelings out to you, and when she finds it hard to articulate her feelings... Use your intuition, your a mommy you have one I promise! Ask her, is is that you feel this way? Why do you want this? Communication is the key!
Kids are people too, we as adults just have to remember that.
I use the travel size spray bottles and fill it up with vinegar and tote it with me everywhere I go. When they are sassy or disrespectful, they get a squirt of it in there mouth. That is all it takes. Now all I have to say is want some "Sassy sauce?" and the attitude changes quickly. Good luck. ;)
I had the same issue with the whining with my kids, both right around that age. I would just look at them and say,"I really wish I could understand what you are saying. I can't understand a thing when you whine at me." Then I would totally ignore them until they spoke in a normal voice. It seemed to work pretty well with both of them. As for talking back, I've got nothing for you. Good luck though.
Do her tantrums work? Do you give in? If you do, then that's the problem. If you don't, just keep reminding her that she won't get what she wants when she whines. Tell her what you want her to say and make her repeat it. My daughter has done the same thing and as soon as she realized it didn't work, she stopped. At home, I sent her to her room. In public, I just ignored her. Good luck.
I am having a similar issue with my 2 year old son. He's very whinny and sometimes throws a tantrum when told no or stop. It's worse when we are around other kids. It's frustrating because I see other boys his age and they are not doing this. Any advice would be appreciated.
K.,
I VERY STRONGLY recommend a book by Dr. Kevin Leman:
"Have A New Kid By Friday." It is a great, common-sense approach to dealing with some of the unpleasant behaviors of children (of any age!). Read it! You won't be disappointed!
Also, regarding the whining: My favorite line with my children was "Use the voice God gave you! He gave you a beautiful voice and I don't hear it! I only hear the one you made up, and I can't understand it." For my children, that worked!
Blessings to you!
"1,2,3 Magic" or "love and logic" are behavior training books for kids- my friends have had great results (my kid is only 18 months.).
Ah... the public scene! Kids know we act differently in public, and that they just might have more leverage there.
I second that "Love and Logic" has a lot of good ideas. Authors point out that you are going to have to care less about what strangers think of you as you parent your way out of this new whinny tantrum habit.
Good luck! (I am thanking my lucky stars I have not experienced much of this yet.)
