How to Help Your Mid Teen with Weight and Self Esteem.

She is only 11 y.o. Weight should not even be a matter of concern unless she is obese or on her way....do you plan healthy meals and are you conscious(sp) of high carb intakes and sweets overload???? Protein, a little carb and fruits/veggies should be at all meals. Spring is here take family walks after dinner for exercise get physically involved without the emphysis on weight so much. Do not make her self-conscious of her weight but make her aware of good health, clear skin good personal hygiene and drinking lots of water (this will help with fat build up and clear acne-free complexion and healthy intake to flush out system....but she only needs to know that it is healthy for her)....do not harp about it either (been there done that and my daughter infortunately has had her share of problems and drugs due to low self esteem....because i worried too much about her having a weight problem like i had had when i was young)get her involved in sports that she likes, like league soft ball vollyball youth football cheerleading etc etc......positive input really helps tons......good luck...girls need so much positive input and let her build a great close relation with dad too....that makes a world of difference....he must get involved with her....moms are great but a father daughter relation is awesome when it os a good one.....L.

My oldest went through this and lost a lot of weight during puberty in fact she lost so much it was very scary... She was about the same age and her self-esteem went through the toilet. I switched her to a new dance school which was less focused on looks and took her out of Catholic School and put her in public school for HS to get away from that crowd of kids... Did you by chance see Capuchino HS production of Cat in the Hat a few weeks ago? My daughter was in that show and if you saw her you would know her self confidence is no longer an issue.

P.,
I wouldn't say anything to her, I would stop buying junk food, have lots of fruits and veggies. I would say that your trying to have everyone in the family eat better. Now that the good weather is here try going out and doing active things as a family, such as bike rides, hiking , walks, etc.
Good luck
Amanda

Hi P. -
Although I am not the mom of a teenage girl, I teach them & coach them myself. You have been given some wonderful advice by moms who HAVE been there. As a coach, I have watched some of my heavier set girls really drop some pounds! I coach swimming, and my experiences with swimming are very positive in that none of the other kids really care what the other looks like in a swimming suit...they are all friends regardless - just like a family. The cardiovascular exercise is what causes the fat to burn up - so if your daughter runs, swims, cycles, or whatever - it needs to involve her heart rate going up & staying up for a prolonged period of time.
Good luck!

Hi P.,

There is more to this than just the weight issue, I'm sure. She's feeling insecure about herself because her peers tease her, and that involves a wholesale sense of inadequacy that she needs to heal. My advice is to go for a holistic remedy, that will feed her sense of self as well as help her be more healthy. The absolute best thing I can think of is to sign her up for either T'ai Chi or yoga, or both on different days. It helps your body fitness while also alleviating emotional issues, it gets you more present in your life and increases a sense of strength, balance and joy, and really does help keep you fit. She'll love it even if she initially feels skeptical. Good luck.

Not letting her eat all kinds of junk and having good food choices available IS the way to go. You don't have to focus on how she looks -- it's a HEALTH issue. Good health has nothing to do with weight and how someone looks, although a good weight and better looks will result from a better diet. Just focus on the health aspect of her diet, not the looks part of it. If you need inspiration watch You Are What You Eat, on the BBC channel (162 on Comcast at 8:00 a.m.)

She will not just "grow out" of this. Help her change her eating habits now before she is set up for life to be overweight and unhealthy.

p.s. - This is not about putting her on a "diet". Diets don't work, because the nature of them is temporary. It's about lifestyle change.

As worried as you might be, you've got an incredible opportunity at your feet.

My daughter was stick thin until she hit puberty. She's very self-conscious about her weight and doesn't even like to talk about it with me. I didn't let her shut me out though. We talk about the importance of health. I saw a bumper sticker once that I've never forgotten. "Ignore your health and it will go away." Sure, we'd all like to lose 10 lbs, but what's more important is we'd all like to prevent things like diabetes and heart disease. A good diet and exercise will go a long way towards that goal. The added benefit is that we'll probably lose that 10 (or 50) lbs in the process.

I discourage "dieting" with my daughter and instead focus on making good food choices consistently along with being active. In 50 years, it's not going to matter if she's been carrying around 20 extra lbs all her life, but it will matter if she's damaged her heart and other vital organs in the process.

Hi P.!

I'm sorry I have no experience with this, I just want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this. Our daughter was "blessed" with a beautiful body, so we never had to go through this situation.

Emotions at this age, are all there is in girls. Everything is "real", and VERY emotional. It's hard enough with that, than to deal with what you're having to deal with.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to ensure her that she is beautiful. Keep doing it. Keeping her active in sports will help control the weight issue, so encourage it in a loving way.

Good Luck, P..

:o) N.

I don't know your daughter's personality, but you could sign her up for martial arts. It is great exercise and she'll learn self confidence. That way it is not so much about losing weight...

Maybe your daughter would enjoy participating in a sport or martial art. The activity would help her lose any excess weight, but more importantly, it would help her view her body as capable and functional, not just decorative. If she is already pretty self-conscious, I would avoid ballet or anything else that places a high premium on thinness. Congratulations on being so sensitive and proactive toward your daughter's struggle.

Hello P., I have a 14 year old that was going thru the same situation at age 11. She has been on the "chubby" side since she was a todler so I also figured it was baby fat. A school counselor gave me the best advise ever! She had me contact the Stanford Children's Medical group. They have a 6 month program of education and encouragement that
has changed not only my daughter's life, but our entire family. This really is a life change that is required. It only boils down to changing your daily food and excercise habits. They teach you how to eat what you want or what you can "trade it for" so eat healthier. I was lucky enough to receive a full tuition because of my financial status, but they do offer different options depending on the family situation. Remember, this is a 6 month class. You attend once a week for 25 weeks. I don't have the information with me at work, so if you are interested, I can go home and look up the contacts. Let me know either way.

Hi there,
I know how both of you feel. That was me for many years all through my teens and college.
I was 25 by the time I finally got my weight under control and it has taken me all those years to gain self confidence, etc.
I'm seeing this same trend now with one of my girls. It's heart breaking to see the cycle begin again.
I have just started a clinical trial for my daughter on a product for fat loss that is safe for children. So far, I've seen that she is more satisfied with her meals and not over eating and she seems more energetic - she seems to feel better.
I'm very hopeful. It's not anything that anyone could buy right now and the trial is closed but if you want to keep in touch, I can let you know how it goes and I'm sure they will let us know when it is available - I definitely want to keep her on it when we are out of the trial.
Blessings,
C.

Hi P.,

First of all remind your daughter that she is still beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. What should matter is how she feels about herself. In fact there was a movie out on Lifetime channel called real women have curves. You should try to see if you can find it on video it was about a young girl in the same situation but she had learned to love herself rather than what others have to say about her. I had watched it once and it really got me thinking. I was always the "chubby" one in the family and was always told i wasn't pretty ,thin or good enough for anyone. Now i got a husband who adores my curves and doesn't want them to leave, and i've learned that if i was meant to be skinny- then God would have allowed me to have better genes to where i would have been easy to loose weight. which i don't but hey I love me and your daughter should love herself regardless of how she looks and what others say. she's special no matter what and don't ever let her forget that! remember- Real women Do have curves! Best of luck to you and your daughter.

~M.

I too grew up on the chunky side and was teased about my weight. My parents were also worried about my self esteem and wondered how they should help correct this issue. I was 13 and weighted close to 200 lbs and only 5'5 tall. The best thing that they did for me was sit me down (just my parents and my self) and told me how much they loved me and told me all of the positive thing about my self. They then went on to say that they knew what a struggle my weight has been and encourage me to make good food choices. We also talked about making the right friends and having friends that will love me for me.
I am now 26 years old and looking back, for me the turning point for my weight loss was that talk. About 8 months after the "talk" I able to drop my weight to 140 lbs. For me I need to be told my positive points and needed to be steered into the right direction. I can't thank my parents enough and I know that the talk was hard for them but they did it and it paid off.

you might want to take her to a specialest, my best friend had trouble w/ her wight all her life, she is a about a year younger then me n she is still very much over wight, i think it had something to do w/ her heart or something, i love her very much, she is my high school friend, the only one i kept in touch with. she dose try, but has a very hard time loosing wight when she tryed, or trys. we know the most inpeortent thing is that she loves her self, n i dont know where i would be with my meloie! n she knows i love her like a sister, n i always will. so good luck n hope thing get better for you both, best of luck, you two are in my prayers...love ____@____.com

Hi P.,
I'm so sorry your daughter is being teased. Perhaps the two of you could tackle this issue together as a supportive team. Maybe you could have a joint appointment with a nutritionist (or several appointments if need be) to understand what meals and snacks are healthy and what appropriate portions look like. I would not ban any foods because then they become special and even more tempting. It's about moderation and understanding what moderation really means. Also, go for walks or bike rides together. By working together on healthy habits, as opposed to banning certain types of food (feels very diet like), you might be able to help your daughter reach a weight where she is more comfortable without reinforcing the message she is getting from her peers that she is fat and, therefore, not okay. The two of you are just working together to be more healthy. It sounds like this is the direction you're coming from anyway, which is wonderful. Perhaps you can also include an activity that helps her see her worth as a person regardless of what she weighs. Volunteer work is a wonderful way to do this. Maybe her teacher can help you think of age appropriate ideas.
K.

How much of what's inside is junk food? We have to be reasonable, we also have to see that our choices are our power - to do, and be anything we want. The body is just a vehicle for our spirit, but if we feed it trash, we are telling it that we don't plan on being here very long and what we are doing here is therefore unimportant. WE are SO important, and we are here for a reason. You can help her understand that she is important and that you are important! It doesn't mean you can't have treats, but they are not the whole deal.

Also one of the quotes that I heard from Wayne Dyer that has stuck with me is that when someone tells you their opinion of you that it is none of your business. What they think is all about them. You can't allow other people to push you off your center in other words.

Check out EFT http://www.emofree.com
If she learns how to tap her wrists together when no one is looking she can stay centered so much easier. There is a free manual there. It talks about all the finger points, but if you just tap the wrists together it is another shortcut.
Love, L.

Hi P.! You are so right about letting your daughter know looks aren't everything and not wanting her to have a complex. It's hard nowadays with the media stressing all girls/females to be skeletons. My daughter went through the same thing as yours and two of my friend's put their daughter's on diets. I didn't. My daughter is 14 years old now and my friend's are the same at 13 and 14 years old. The difference here is that their daughters are much heavier than they were and my daughter has actually lost weight. There's no secret here. It's that you have to keep giving her daughter support, confidence and self-esteem, along with a lot of sports and keeping her active. I cook everyday and don't stress about her eating junk food now and then. The more you stress and get on her about her weight, the more she'll feel stressed out and want to eat junk food or even sneak it behind your back. I've seen the other two girls I told you about, sneak junk food and candy like it was a drug and didn't want to get caught with it. It's so sad to see but I've seen it with my own eyes. As long as her siblings aren't teasing her too, your daughter won't have a complex. What I used to do when the kids teased my daughter, I told her that they're jealous and in some countries it's a sign of wealth. When kids came right up to my daughter and told her how fat she was, I told her to tell them, "Oh, so you're NOT blind." Or "Yeah, everyone can see that! I like to eat!" Somehow those kids over the next month, stopped? I'm not sure why but my daughter kept her focus on school, sports and was known to give out the best snacks at school and sports, that no one noticed her being overweight. Also, get to know your daughter's teachers and office staff. They can tell you a lot about what's really going on at school and can help with your daughter when she's being teased. Just keep doing what you're doing, support and love her. In the end, that's all she needs and nothing else matters!!

Get yourselved bikes and ride together, keeps you fit and helps her loose the weight. Plust it is great bonding time and sets you up in the future for boy talks or any bad habbits that could start like drugs. If she has that time with you she will share more. One on one time on the bikes is great. My daughter now 15 was able to slim down and maintain her weight. She can eat some things bad but she prefers the good. My kids now try to snack on apples and carrots instead of candy or cookies. I makes her more health concous not self concous.

M.

If your daughter is a little on the heavy side and she is aware and it bothers her, then maybe a fitness program and diet program would help. It is better for her to learn early how to eat healthy and excercise. When she sees the difference in herself, her self-esteem will naturally improve. It will become a positive cycle. Good luck with your beautiful daughter.

Dear P.,
This is a tough situation. My M. was worried about my weight and started putting me on diets at about this same age. It didn't help and I did wind up very self concious of my weight. I'm 50 now and still overweight. I don't blame my M. but I think the strict dieting did more harm than good.

I think maybe the best approach is to look at your family lifestyle. I know it's hard, I have four kids, and I didn't always provide the healthiest foods for them, but instead of putting her on a diet, try and have the whole family eating the same healthy food.

More important even, is activity. Maybe your family could plan fun things like bike riding together, swimming, walks, etc.

I have started, finally, to drop weight at a decent rate and this is what I've done. You're right not to pressure her and wind up giving her a complex. I'm sure she is beautiful and just keep reminding her of that!!

Good Luck,
M. M

Hi P.,

I think you're doing the right thing by cutting down on junk food and also emphasizing that looks are not everything. However, your daughter has very valid questions. I would start by asking her what her goals are, and telling her you are there to help her and support her. This gives her ownership. You can encourage active pursuits like sports or just outdoor exercise... hiking or going to the beach as a family, etc. If her goal is to lose weight and gain more muscle tone, make it a family project. You may also want to get the support of a professional. I happen to have a close friend who is a nutrition counselor and helps all sorts of people (me included) with their health goals. She is particularly good with children and has helped several. She is wonderfully caring and non-judgemental. Here is her contact info:
Diane Fukuda
Nutrition Educator
Healthe Solutions
826 N. Winchester Blvd.
Suite 1C
San Jose, CA 95128
Phone: ###-###-####
www.Healthesolutions.org

Whatever you and your daughter choose to do, you are already doing great by giving her unconditional love and support. If teasing at school is in the category of bullying, don't hesitate to talk to school administrators. More and more schools are realizing that they need to take a zero tolerance stance on bullying. Good luck and best wishes,

K.

hi P.:
what kind of activities do you share with your daughter? does she play sports on a weekly basis? what is her body type? bone structure? does she look n the heavy side , or is her body mass index on the heavy side?
what does her doctor say?
i have three boys, the two older ones are tall and thin, the youngest one is tall with a large bone structure, and his bmi is good for his age.. so he looks thick and tall for his age. he knows his body type and keeps up with his daily activities with out thinking or fighting his body type... people might think that because he is a boy is easier, but is not so.....
we all play soccer, swim, go for walks, play tennis,cook, clean together, besides going to school, and work...
your daughter is 11, so she is in the prime time to learn self discipline, and love her self..

best wishes,
sandy

P., I completely understand your situation. I have a 14 yr. old daughter who is 40 lbs. overweight. We have tried many things such as seeing an endocrinologist,a summer long teen healthy eating class and even changing the households diet. I feel that I walk a fine line, wanting her to feel good about herself and at the same time encouraging her to lose weight. My last attempt was changing my own habits in hopes being a role model for her. As a result, I lost 15lbs over the year and she gained 10. I firmly believe she has some sort of metabolic disorder that causes her to hang on to fat however, I have no medical confirmation of this nor have I mentioned this to her. I say that because I prepare her meals, I see what she eats and her activity level yet, she does not lose weight. We are fortunate when these efforts allow her to maintain. I know that it has had an effect on her self-esteem. I tell her how beautiful she is every day and somewhere inside I think she believes it however, she also sees how her friends have many boys attracted to them now and she does not. I wish I had an answer for you. What I do have is empathy. It is a tough situation and very frustrating. If you want to talk, feel free to email me.
D.

This is so hard. And it's not her fault. Our society loves to blame the overweight and portray us in the media as constantly eating, it's simply not true. I eat less & healthier food than me 118 lb sister (at 5'5" after 3 kids, mind you). You can tell her we're all different, which is what makes life interesting. Keep telling her she's a beautiful girl and try very hard not to make her diet. Try just putting out healthy snacks before she asks. My daughter leans toward junk food, but I find if I put the carrots or fruit in front of her before she thinks to ask, she just eats them. Good luck, I know it's hard. Also remind her that everything changes after school is over, life is really not always like this. Kids are mean.

Have you had her thyroid checked. My daughter is 11, but when she was 9 I had her blood checked because my husbands family has diabetes that runs in both his mom's parents. I also noticed that she was gaining a little weight. While running the blood tests for the diabetes come to find out that was not the case.....it turned out she has Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

Hi P.,

I can relate to your daughter as I remember being teased about my weight as a pre-teen and teenager. It hurt and I felt very ashamed. Unfortunately, food was my main source of comfort, so I just kept eating. However, when I was really motivated to lose weight in college, I started watching what I ate and exercising more and I lost the extra weight. Since it took me about a year and a half to lose those 75 pounds, I changed my eating habits and continued exercising and I am still at a normal and healthy weight many years later. This has lead me to focus much of my hypnotherapy practice on weight loss as I know it firsthand.
You're right in thinking that many of our weight issues are really about how we feel about ourselves and sometimes a need to protect ourselves from teasing and other issues. I would start by finding ways to help her boost her confidence, so she feels good about herself. Maybe there is some activity she is interested in that doesn't involve competition that she can start. Also it's important to be aware of what we say to ourselves or self-talk, for we always want to say positive, affirming things to ourselves. As her mom, you can model saying kind and positive things to yourself and encourage her and your other children to do the same.
I hope these brief tips help. I would be happy to talk with you further.
C. Walters, Clinical Hypnotherapist ###-###-####

well i have a 10 year old, and i know what u mean, it's all in the way you speak around her and about her, and there are way's that i apeak to my daughter, and she know's she is 10 pound's over, so am i, so we walk together, and we eat healthy, and we give ourselves reward's cause it's a hard thing to do, and we both are senitive to way we talk, and we know we are beautiful, and we have alot to be thankful for, so we journey together and when other kid's make fun of her yes it hurt's but deep down she know's who she is, and that her family, keep's being positive in what we stay and how we talk about each other, so when your family is tight, so secure everything friend's say is just a rebound, and as a single mom were there for each other, it's ok to be all different sizes as long as your healthy and u love yourself thats what matters, if your daughter need's a friend she can talk to my daughter..

Hi P.,
My son a lil overweight too, but he is only six.
We don't make a big deal out of it and he eats better than most kids we know (and adults) in that we don't have junkfood in our house or sodas, he loves water and for the most part, really does have a good diet. Our dilema is and was.... he needed more exercise. Again, we don't make a big deal out of it and say, WE ARE GOING TO EXERCISE, but instead, we have been going on family walks after dinner and on the weekends. now, if you don't want to take the entire family out on a neighborhood walk, this could be a good way for your daughter and you to bond, why not try suggesting that you and her go out for a a 20 min walk after dinner? its now staying light longer and that 20 min could make all the difference.
additionally, with our son, although he wasn't eating candy and chips and junk like that, he was getting TOO MUCH white flour products such as pasta. I truly think you can make SUBTLE changes that would not only benefit your daughter but the whole family. Again, it may just be that she needs a little more exercise. good luck to you!!

Dear P.,
My daughter has a similar situation. I agree that it is difficult. I took her to a nutritionist so that we could both hear what is considered a healthy diet. I try to select meals that are healthy. We have increased the amount that she exercises. I try to be a good role model. Eating right has been a lifelong challenge for me, and it may be true for her too. Good luck! B.