How to Explain to Kids About Lost Pregnancy?

I'm so sorry for your loss - I know how upsetting it can be, and having to comfort your other children just adds to the frustration.

First, stop and think about their level of understanding when it comes to how babies are grown, and go from there.

Your 8 YO may have a clue that the whole conception/pregnancy process is intricate and more complex than just "a baby growing in your tummy," and if she does, take time alone with her to explain better what has happened. You don't have to go into *everything* about how babies are made, but just a little more detail than what you're giving. Your 5 YO will need less explanation, and will probably be content with fewer details. And, don't forget to reassure them that Mommy is going to be fine, too, and you're not the only family this has ever happened to - sometimes things just happen and we have to deal with it and move on.

Also, you might start looking at some books. It may be the right time to let them see things like "A Child Is Born" - which has FABULOUS photos. Being a doula, my 8 YO has been fascinated with all of my books as long as she could pick them up - the pictures were interesting to her, even if she didn't truly understand what she's seeing. She's not afraid to ask questions and she's not afraid of the process although she does grasp that it is complex. Taking the mystery and fear out of it can help them (and, in turn, help YOU).

Being one who has had to deal with many losses (not ectopic, but 9 miscarriages), I would stick with the facts. I would get a picture of the female organs and show while explaining that when the baby forms inside you it is suppose to stick to the inside of the uterus. This baby didn't do that. We don't know whey this baby didn't do that, but it stuck to one of the fallopian tubes instead. God made a womans body to grow babies in the uterus. There is no room in a fallopian tube for a baby to grow. Look at the uterus. It is like a balloon. It gets bigger as the baby gets bigger, just like when each one of your children were in there. That is the place God made for babies to grow. So this baby died because he accidentally got stuck in the wrong place. It would only scare them to know more detail than that...like the risks an ectopic has on your life because then if something unrelated were to happen to you they may go back and think this baby did it.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know this must be very tragic for you as it will be for them to deal with something they can't quite understand. I think a visualization will help with that. You may have to reiterate it and I know this will be even harder for you since in a way you can't emote in front of them. Hang in there! I am sure it is even difficult for you to understand...at least I know there are always a lot of why's when it comes to such losses. Whatever you do, try not to take it personal that this happened to you, feel your emotion and let it out. It is okay for you to show that you are sad, but I would also probably do most of it away from the children if possible yet still allowing for them to grieve with you. You will then be able to better get through this as will they. Crying is not a bad thing and your kids should also know that it is okay to cry. I am thankful for you and your family that you are safe. That is a blessing in itself, because things could have been worse. I am glad your dr was on top of this and was able to discover it soon enough. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you though. You and your family will be in my prayers. Good luck and God Bless!

B. :)

Jenn,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I think your son is probably worried about you more than the baby. To most five year olds if something is not living then to them it is dead, whether you used that word or not would make no difference. He is probably worried about what that means for you. Even to a five year old having something that is not living inside you would sound bad.

If I was in that situation I would explain that not every life that gets started gets to finish growing. It's like a flower garden, just planting a seed doesn't mean the plant will grow. Everything has to be just right in order for something wonderful to happen. As for the eight year old I would be honest and say that you don't know why this happened. I would also explain that you are sad that your family will not have a chance to meet this baby, but that the doctors are helping you get better. Let them ask questions about what is happening, just try to keep the answers simple. Your doctor might even have some ideas about how to help your family cope with what is happening.

You and your family will be in my thoughts this Thanksgiving.

I'm so sorry for your loss. First, this is a grieving process and you may need to take all the time you can get to deal with this on your own. I know how hard it is to take this news. The constant blood tests and responses that aren't reassuring at all can be hard to take in addition to the pain you feel.

For your daughter I would give her a visual aid. Show her a picture of a uterus and explain what an ectopic is. Tell her how "very rare they are and that makes that baby a very special angel. It's like planting a seed in the desert. You know it won't grow but if it wants to try you're going to give it a chance to try. You commend it for the effort and send it your love and prayers for peace." You could name the baby to make it easier for her to talk about the trouble Baby E caused you. You could even tell her that "unfortunately babies can't be transplanted but that she or one of her friends could be the doctor that learns how to do it and saves women from ever experiencing this pain again."

For your son I would tell him, "No, the baby is still in there. Occasionally women do have to have their dead baby removed but most of the time your body can do it on it's own and it's better for you if you do. That's what makes a woman very special, she can clean up her insides when things go wrong."

They're going to grieve and you all need to take all the time you need to do that. It's rough and may take a long time but you can get through this. You can even have another baby but you'll have to wait until your body is ready. That's the hardest part the waiting.

Many prayers for an ease in your physical and emotional pain.

I agree with everyone. Tell you kids the truth, they understand more than we give them credit for. Let them know that the baby wasn't growing the way it should have been, so it went to heaven. Reassure them that mommy is fine, and that it is okay to be sad and to even cry. If you open up to them, you may find that they will be your biggest support in your grief.
We are all so sorry for your loss.

Jenn -
I think the best thing is to just be honest. Kids are extremely perceptive, as you know. :( Just let them know that there was a baby growing in your tummy, but the baby died before he could come out and live with your family. Honestly, I think this is the best way to handle it. They obviously already know what happened.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My now two-year-old daughter had a twin we lost at 16 weeks, and we were just devastated. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with a little boy, and have started an online support group for those trying to get pregnant or pregnant again after a loss. Let me know if you'd like more information.

I'm so sorry for your loss!

R.
____@____.com

Mom, Jenn,
Kids are smarter than you give them credit for. Tell them the truth and let your emotions flow so they will know this is serious and you will miss not having that baby come home also.

You're their mother, so you'll know how best to explain this to your children. I agree that truth, in appropriate doses, is the best approach. I liked J.'s (I think it was hers) image of the garden and everything having to be just right for the flower to grow. If it was still only a few weeks into the pregnancy, that might be the most appropriate way to describe it for your children, so they don't worry about an alert, conscious baby getting stuck or something. Your affection and attention will be the most important thing, and trying to keep life as regular as possible until you all get through this pain. I'm so sorry this happened to you, it must be terrible. You'll be in my prayers.
-A.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Maybe u can go to your local libary and see if there are any books about this kind of thing to help them understand what happened.

I am sorry to hear about your loss. As for the children all i can say is to try what i do with my children anytime someone dies. i tell my children that god needed another angel so he pick that person to be his angel. and that his angels see everything and protect us.

When my pregnancy was ended so early, we explained it to my sister in law that sometimes God really wants to hold a baby. That heaven is full of people of all different ages and that the baby was now an angel watching over all of us. I hope that you are coping okay. If you need anyone to talk to you can contact me. I have been through a lot in the few years I have been parenting, and I still grieve the loss of a child I barely knew I was pregnant with.

I think Erin is right on it. Plus, explaining that the baby was growing in a part of you where it could not survive and it would have made you very sick is probably the most simple explanation for now. If they have more questions when they're older you'll be able to give a more accurate explanation. I'm sorry for your loss. Your family will be in my prayers.

I am sorry for your loss. My sister had a still born baby a year ago. She told her 9 year old what happened and that the baby died and God kepted her. She let him hold the baby if he wated. She did not tell her two year old what happened. She did not let him see the baby. I would tell your 8 and 5 year old that the baby was growing where there wasn't enough room and the doctors couldn't move the baby where it could grow. If this baby had growen it would of hurt mommy and so they took the baby out to save mommy. Then answer the questions they have. If it is something you can't answer take them to your OB and they maybe able to help explain it to them. I don't think your two year really needs to or is ready to deal with it howere when she gets older you can tell her.