How to Deal with 18YO Teen Issues ...

Heh well that sounds like something that I did almost. Im 18 and Im dong my best to be a adult but sadly Im still in school and Im my moms house. It's hard for us to be a queen bee and have to live under another queen. She is trying to find herself. If she is out of school then maybe you need to help her find a place of her own and move on with her life. As far as the nose thing. If she does it then she does it you really cant stop it. You can be mad all you want but if you get mad about it then it will only fuel the fire and she will be more willing to do it. I promise I did that. I dated a guy that my mom hated but I dated him because she hated him. So the only thing that I can say to help you that I wish that my mom would have done is support her and help her find her way and then let go. Good Luck.

I think you are doing the right thing! I have a pretty out of control 15 year old right now! They all need to be held accoutable for their actions and if their not made to be how are they going to learn ?

My children are young so I really don't have any advice except that to let her know if she pierces her face and then takes out the ring when she is tired of it she is going to have an ugly scar. I pierced my belly button when I was 22 and now all that's left is an ugly scar.

Seriously you are willing to give up on a relationship with your daughter over a hole in her face. Seriously!?! I am 39 years old and lost my relationship with my mother 6 years ago b/c she was abusing perscription drugs and basically did damage to her brain. I miss her. I missed her when I gave birth to my 3 children and she wasn't there it help me like she did my sister and sister in law. She can't function anymore and how I miss her. Or my friend who lost her mother to cancer this past year. We can't get our mothers back and you are willing to disown you daughter over a hole in her nose. She will learn the "I told you so" lesson later and will come to you for comfort. It is your responsibility to love her through good and bad (a mother's love is unconditional). Don't give up on her over her desire to have an extra hole in her face. She may look different on the outside but she is still your girl on the inside!

W.,
The first thing I see is that by law your 18YO is not a teen but an Adult. If you do not treat her that way she will never become an Adult. It seems by your letter you have been making all your daughters choices for her throughout her life. What is your need that she has to live by your ideals of life. She needs to learn who she is and be that person. Why do you have to like or agree with all that she does. As a mother you should love her no matter what she does. There are things I don't agree with my children do in life but I have always been there to support them right or wrong.

DID I UNDERSTAND CORRECTLY!
You don't want her "living her while sticking it up our noses". You rather have a bolt instead of a piercing? Is that YOU talking about your daughter? You rather have her dead than a pierced nose. It sounds like control issue with YOU!

Have you thought that in the line of profession that was chosen for her it would encourage clients frequent her and seek her out more often?

I have 2 over 20 now and understand that it is hard to let go. Mine have the added disadvantage of MR. But both are out living on there own and doing well. Yes I am there to help often. Help not do for them. I still allow them to make there own mistakes. (ie My daughter now has a large phone bill that she is having to make payments on because she did not limit her long distance time as was discussed.)I feel bad for her but we she did understand that this would happen and knows why it happened but thought as she said "Mom would make it OK." She is now understanding that she has to correct her own mistakes and I am confident she will start monitoring her long distance phone usage.

Your duty as a mother is to let her know the consequences and allow her to make here own decision. Not to tell her how to live your life. You will and cannot be there for her the rest of her life. She has to learn by her own mistakes. If loosing your daughter over a fashion fad is worth it to you, then continue on your path. Remember not only will you be loosing your daughter but future grandchildren also.

Unconditional love is just that. Let her know how you feel. Discuss consequences with her. LET HER MAKE HER OWN DECISION!
This is an important time in her life when she needs to learn how do on her own. Otherwise you may have you daughter living with you when she's 30. Letting you tell her how to live her life, how to be you and that her opinions don't matter in this world. I really hope that is not what you want.

By the way if the younger children see her mistakes then they will be less likely to make the same ones.

Ask your self; Do you follow all the rules your mom set in her house?

W.,
My suggestion is probably not what you want to hear. But, my daughter is a freshman at Texas A&M. Chemical engineer major. In highschool she was honor society, Student Council, National Science & Math merit award winner, National Spanish Honor Society, placed top 15 in the Miss Teen Houston pageant and was Miss. Congeniality. She loves children, has a dynamic personality, works 20 hours a week, is not on drugs and is not pregnant. At this time she has two tattoos on her back, a belly button, tounge, eyebrow and two nose piercings. I believe around that age girls are trying to find themselves and express their individuality. They are also trying to show their independence and seperate themselves specifically from their mothers. Think back to when we were that age. I know it is hard to let go, but the bigger deal you make of it, the more she is going to want to do it. Also, they need to know you accept and love them and trust in their decisions, no matter what they look like. Piercings will close. Pick your battles and let her express herself.
A little about me....I've been a single mom most of my daughters life. Was married for 4 years to an abusive man and am embarassed for what I put my daughter through and what she saw. I put my foot down as far as drinking, drugs, sex, school and respect. I was a very troubled teen. Into drugs, sex, stealing etc... Honestly, I think with our children we need to prioritize what are the most important things and be flexible with the rest.
Thanks for taking my point of view into consideration.

I too went the Cosmetology route while I was in College. I was very successful as a cosmetologist, color specialist and make up artist for 10 years. I was brought up by a very southern Christian mother who objected to tattoos and piercings. Needless to say I have six tattoos and have had a number of piercings. Thank God my mother was mature enough to realize it was my heart that mattered. I have always been a little "out of the box" and it was because of that that I was successful in areas that other people were not. I am now a stay at home mother of three boys with only my ears pierced.LOL My mom and I are the very best of friends because she allowed me to be "me". I'm stunned that you would say you would want nothing to do with your daughter over a piercing. She is still the same person that you watched take her first steps. Still the same person that would scribble on a piece of paper and think it was the most beautiful picture in the world. Still the same person that after you kissed her booboos could get up and carry on. Nothing she does to the exterior of her body changes her heart, her mind, or her soul. Isn't that what you love about her after all?

Don't force her out of the house. She will never forgive you or her father. You will be breaking the foundation of all relationships--TRUST--and even if you can mend it in the future, she'll never fully trust you not to turn your back on her again. Let's face it, yes the law says 18 year olds are adults, but a true adult knows that real maturity comes in the mid-20's. She still needs *parenting* (NOT scolding, not lectures, not restrictions). Now is the time to transition from "I'm your mother; I know what is best for you" to "I'm your mother; I want the best for you and I want to help you succeed".

There are many internet resources with documentation about the adverse effects from piercings (scars, scar tissue, infections, fatalities...) Educate her. Can you afford a 30 minute consultation with a plastic surgeon or dermatologist so they can tell her about the long term effects? Can you introduce her to a modeling agency (I'm sure there are some in town) and have them tell her about what physical attributes will and won't work in their industry (even if she's not into modeling, if she wants to work as a make-up artist or stylist, there are certain looks that an agency want their staff/consultants to have, etc.)

If she won't listen to your advice, then *show* her the opportunities she has. Don't just tell her about it... Make an effort to show her the potential ways she can succeed.

My 2 cents.

fwiw...my opinion.
I have a 21, 20, and 15 year old.

My oldest two have done things I asked them not to. But this is how I look at it. I told mine once you are 18, out of highschool, have a job, car, etc. then you are an adult. Now they had to pay for that car, find that job and finish school, plus turn 18. I told them then they are an adult and can make some decisions about their life and the course they want to take with it.

Remember many 18 year olds do not really look 5-10 years down the road and think how decisions now will effect their future.

I personally would rather my kids try things out while they are in my home and I can help them....rather than have them move out where I have no idea of they are doing or what they need to do to take care of themselves. For instance on the piercing--I am against it. But the 20 yr old did it when she was 19. She lives at home, goes to college and works 2 jobs. She is a good kid. But she wanted to do this. I had told her she could make her own choices after my requirements--so she made a choice. By having her at home I was able to make sure that once I found out she had done it, she was medicating it so it would heal properly. I had done research showing her how it could take up to 9 months for some piercings to heal. She kept it clean and medicated, realizing that I would really be all over her and then be rushing her to the dr demanding they remove it and get her well--if it does not heal you have infection possibly.

Think about the big picture and your life and relationship. Do you want your dd to learn to make choices and see how some were not so good? Do you want her to come to you a week after she has done it and say, "I think this is worse/better than I thought it would be, but would you help me medicate it?" Is your relationship and her health worth making this an issue?

Think of all the other things she could be doing! Think of where she could be, who she could be with! Sex, drugs, gangs...it all assaults our kids daily. I don't take mine to get things done and I don't let them do it before 18, finished highschool, etc. but I want them to learn from their own mistakes and not be trying to make them fit in my mental 'box' of how I think they should look or act or think. That will just make us all miserable.

Good luck

As upsetting as the piercings and tattoos, it is extremely important that you have unconditional love. It is not changing your mind, and saying it is OK. It is saying that I love you and will always love you.

It's so very hard to do. You mentioned praying. That is how you are able to do this.

Ask questions rather than lecturing. What are the consequences? What kind of attention will you get? Is that the kind of attention you want? What is the motivation for doing this? Can it be accomplished another way? Can you imagine yourself 10 years from now with scars or tattoos that you can't hide?

A little about me:
A 54 year old mom of 4 girls(women) and 1 boy, ages 27, 25, 21, 19, and 16. The girls are all out of the nest, but the one with nose piercing and 3 tattoos lives nearby with her husband. She knows what I think, but knows our door is always open.

Dear W.,
My daughter wanted a second earring. I told her I thought they look ridiculuos and I refused to pay for it. She pierced her own ears in her own bathroom. They got infected.... go figure. I bought her hydrogen peroxide and kept my mouth shut. I grounded her from her hair straigtener chi for a week.At least that way she had consequences for her actions.
Now, we have an arrangement whereby she can wear the second earring when she is out of the house. Not in front of me.
I had to really struggle with trying to detrmine what is my ultimate goal in raising her. Honesty? Kindness? Being good to others?.... What would my punishing her accomplish? In your case, what would kicking your daughter out of the house accomplish? How can you instill your morals and values if she is not living with you and learning by your example. I find that it helps me to think about the punishment ahead of time. That way I don't overreact.

As the mother of 3 (24,22,20) I have lots of experience with this. Just give the rules that you are prepared to live with. Tell her that if she does the bolt or the buttons in the ear or any visable with clothing type tats (if that is a hot button for you, it is for me!) then she has made her grown up decision. When one is able to make those decisions then one must be prepared to take on their own life. You stop paying (OK I KNOW THIS IS HARD!) for school, for shelter for anything. NO anger here. Just this is how life is when you are a grown up. Your mother set you free at some point to go live your life and you must set her free. It is VERY hard but hold your nose get tissues and have your husband hold you and set her free. But first tell her that you would love to help her succeed with her school and help support her but that she must abide by your rules. If you are the piggy bank for her needs and her sheltor then this is what you require. Tell her you respect her feelings and her new found freedom of age 18 and how she can now go make it on her own! HUGS and KISSES - no anger. Why should there be any? Just mean what you say (the others are watching and learning how to make your life a living hell!)

My son went of to college and played way to much!!! We had to yank him back and tell him that he no longer is on the "you play and we pay plan" and so here are the rules. If you want to go to school, it will now be a local school and he pays up front and we reimburse his success. He would have to work a certain amount of hours and must be in by 2 so that we do not loose sleep all night long with all that worry as the hours go on. That there are NO missed classes, no tickets. What I expect from him for rent and help in the household. It did not take long when he decided against school and joined the Marines. Not anything that I wanted!!! Served proudly for 4 years and when he got out was able to suceed on his own and has done just fine. Tough love but I have a grown son who stands on his own. I have many friends who have kids at 24 that still can't pay their own cell phone bill, many that have graduates who can't make it on their own or don't keep jobs. Though yes but I am proud! College grad, no! I wish he were but that is just not him.

Just one families perspective!

If you need any support-feel free to email me directly and I will hold your hand and talk to you on the phone or in person as much as you need. She will do what she wants to a certain degree it is just that you do not have to support it! Your insticts are right - follow them!

D.

If she wants to do it she is going to but..it is your house and your rules. Having said that if you tell her that she will have to leave if she does pierce be ready for what follows. She is not old enough to know the outcome of her actions. Are you really willing to not see her if she does it.
I have an 18 year old who is pregnant and I rather have her home with me where I know she is safe than out there on her own doing who knows what. Once you build that bridge between you it may be hard to knock it down. God gave you a gift when he gave your daughter to you dont throw that away no matter what she decides to do.

You have a right to your rules. I do find it extremely sad that you could write your child off and not have anything to do with her over body piercing or tatoos. That is the equivalent of a 50's mom not having anything to do with her son for growing his once clean shaven hair out to a stringy hippy mess in the 60's. I don't particularly care for all the piercings or over bearing tats myself, but just because this interests her doesn't mean it will your other children.There is actually no telling what might be hip and that is a scary thought! LOL

Here you have this child that is about to graduate high school and cosmetology school and works. SOunds pretty responsible considering the teens I know that won't even get up and go to school. You make her being a cosmetologist out to be some blow off career because she couldn't do anything better. It is hard work! I happen to have my license. You stand on your feet all day covered in hair, trying to satisfy people. I have had creepy guys that came in to get their hair shampooed just so my boobs would be in their face! It is h*** o* your feet, back and your body. YOu have to have good customer service skills, accounting skills and be an artist. Cosmetologist in the right salon can make lots of money. You get out of it what you put in to it.

After I grew up and started having babies, I quit doing hair and went to school for other interests. She could very well do the same. She could actually use her cosmetology license to pay her way through some other career one day.

You should be proud that she has accomplishments and be proud of her for the person she is no matter how decorated that person may be. Be proud she isn't afraid to be the person she is instead of worrying about not doing something because of a 'what will the neighbors think' mentality.

If you do choose to not have anything to do with her because she pierces herself it will cause more heartache and grief in the long run because one day, when this phase has passed, she will remember that. It will strain your relationship with her and with any children she may have. Just something to think about.

Good luck...

W., I'm going to be right out front with you...is the nose ring issue really and truely worth allienating your daughter over? Sit her down in front of the other kids so they understand that you and your hubby DONOT agree with her chioces and that if she does go ahead and go through with it then she is disrespecting your wishes and setting a pour example for her syblings. But in the end she needs more than anything to know that you will still love her unconditionaly like you always have. When she "grows out" of this stage and into something "bigger" than nose rings she will need to know she still has a mom to help her back up. And who knows maybe she will regret it anyway and that in itself will be the best way she may get the lesson of makeing wise choices. I have teenagers too and I know and understand that much of the frustration comes from the "kmow it all attitude" that they have and the " I'm grown, I can do what I want know"..but they are really still learning and this too is part of the process for them to truely grow. And wouldn't it be better to love her through it and when she does grow up she will look back and remember how awfull she was and what a great mom she had to always love her anyway. Hang in there. And remember all the other fayses she went through growing up this far...well they all came to an end at somepoint to didn't they?

OK... I was going to leave a really long response to what you're going through, but I can condense this and make it short(er) & sweet. You can have whatever belief structure you want about anything in this world & beyond... and that's a great thing. The tricky part is trying to convey those beliefs without hurting & isolating your daughter. You have to really sit down and ask yourself why you feel this way about piercings/tattoos and then find a non judgemental way to talk to your daughter about this... which is always inherently difficult given her age. Just remember that pushing too hard with this issue can lead to her leaving home and ending up living who knows where, with who knows what type of people, doing who knows what.

Plus, piercings are pretty tame compared to some of the things popping up in that subculture for those who need something more extreme: metal implants, scarification, surgical manipulations. Your daughter may become so angry and hurt that she resorts to the most extreme to make you angry... which can hurt her in the long run emotionally, physically & in the workforce.

Just remember to convey your ideas by trying to stay objective & calm. I know it's extremely difficult, but you have to remember that she is still your daughter and even if she won't admit it (or even doesn't realize it), she still looks to you for advice because she loves you. Try not to lose sight of that... imagine how lonely & difficult your life would be without your daughter's love & smiling face around.

Hello Mother of three girls......Welcome to the "THREE GIRLS CLUB"! I have three girls(22, 21, 18)also, and really its not as crucial as you think! DON'T PANIC!! I have been there and done that. My husband and I have been married for 23yrs and yes it is a challenge raising three beautiful girls. They are from a good strong family christian oriented home also, but we realized if you laid a good solid foundation in them they won't stray too far. Now, our two oldest girls have had piercings: both have second holes in their ears,but the second oldest has a nose pierce which I forget she has one because it is not obvious. she wears a "pin-drop" stud in her nose that my husband and I can live with. Also, both has tatoos, BUT in very unnoticable spots and they are not BIG tatoos either...Most importantly about the whole thing is...that they came to discussed it with us about them. They did not do it without us knowing it. They wanted our approval and the only way that they were going to get our approval it that ALL of US come to an agreement to what they were going to do and how it was going to be. Once that was settled, my husband and I took them to get it done! Yes, if it was going to be done, it needed to be done right and safely. As my husband talked with the guy who was going to do it, I walked and talked with the other to see how they sterilzed and how the procedure is done. After that, we were satisfied and allowed everything to be done--and THEY PAID FOR IT!! To us, it is important that the line of communication stays open at all times with our daugthers. Because in doing so, you can still have a hand in steering them in a right and sensible way...Plus, our girls want to do things that we will approve and be pleased with. We are very proud of our daughters and they have told us that they would not do anything to disappoint us. Now W., if you choose to kick out your daughter and choose not to have anything else to do with her...that would not be the right thing to do because what little relationship that you have with her you will destroy and as your other daughters watch what happens that could very well alter your relationships with thm and instead of them coming to you, they will do it behind your back! It is wise to talk with her and you all can come to a sensible agreement and at the same time talk to all of them. My 18yr old wants a 2nd hole in her ear, but has not been in a hurry to do it. I believe that she does wants a tatoo along with her sisters in honor of my mom who passed away 5 weeks ago. They showed me the tatoo that they created in her honor. Its very nice SMALL and in good taste. So, we will see. Hopefully, you will take everything that I have shared with you and make a wise decision how you and your husband will handle it. I will pray that everything will work out well with you and your family.

i might be reading too much into this, but it sounds like this is about waaay more than the "piercing her face" thing. however, if that's the only issue, then you need to ask yourself, is it really worth kicking her out over what she wants to do to her body??? there's far worse things she could be doing, like drugs! my parents tried to place strict restrictions on me even after i turned 18 but was still living at home, restrictions about what i could do with my free time, etc. all it did was push me further away from them. and all of it was over stupid things like what movies i was allowed to watch OUTSIDE the home! is that really worth your relationship with your daughter? i totally agree with certain things like if you don't want her doing certain things AT YOUR HOUSE. but if it's just a matter of aesthetic differences (i.es. her face), i really think you need to just suck it up, unless you want her to resent you for a long time

I don't really have any advise to offer you but I wanted to atleast tell you I agree with your Tough Love stratagy. My husband and I had a simlar experiance with his 16 year old Niece whom we took in so she could go to collage early. We joke that she was broken before we got her as she came from a rough family life in a small town with only her 68yo grandmother as a parent. She came to us with a pierced lip and wanted to get more piercings done but I was totally agenst it. Our only rule for her living with us was she needed to get a job to pay for her extra stuff as we paid for her room and board. Needless to say she couldn't find a job. I finally had to tell her she could do what ever she wanted to do with her body when she was 18 and out of my house. It didn't work out for us as she ended up dropping out of school and going back home, making some really bad life choices along the way. But like I said she was broke before we got her and she didn't have the same morals and values we have.
All you can do now is hope and pray the guidance you've given her all her life will pay off and she'll make good choices. Sometimes you have to cut them loose to allow them to make they're mistakes and be there when they come to their sences.
I'm sure you're going to get alot of different responces to this but you have to make the best choice you can not only for your older daughter but for the younger ones too.
Stay strong.

Coming from someone who did not get along with her parents very well in the teen years, just try talking to her objectvely and without having an upset tone in your voice (not that you do, but just try to stay calm). Easier said than done, but ultimately, she wants to be able to express herself. Maybe have a day where you set up something specail for you two to go and do and try talking with her as an adult and not as an authority figure. Just some friendly advice.

I'm a mother of 3 boys..8, 4, & 3. I remember wanting a tatoo when I was 18. It helped that my mom said she didn't like it but it was my choice. I understand your anger & frustration..it's her pretty face. Perhaps showing her pictures of what girls look like with it done & how unattractive it is,or how the area will scar,or that she is simply too young to decide something of this nature. But I wouldn't do is threaten any punishment. Then she will have to do it. Simply ignore it & say things like "It's your face, you can do what you want..but if something goes wrong I won't help you fix it". If it's that important to her & that's who she truly is..you may have to just ignore it. My brother is the sweetest guy alive with a wife & a child...they're both covered in tattoos & my mom has never said 1 word about it. The bigger deal you make out of it the more you'll push her away. At the end of the day is that what you truly want? She's testing herself, her beliefs & you..remember 18? Let her spread her wings a bit & test the waters...but always remain the rock she can come home to. That's what a strong mom/daughter relationship is really about. In 10 years non of this will matter.I know it's easier said than done..but I remember 18 & how my mom gave me a little more freedom than she probably wanted & we are so close now & she's been involved in every aspect of my life. I'm a married stay at home mom w/ 3 kids..I grew up alright. Just love her..

You know....if I could've, I would've choosen a pierced nose over what I had to deal with. Don't take such a hard stance over this minor issue. Tell her that you love her whether she goes ahead with this or not. Tell her that she is becoming an adult and needs to make responsible choices all of the time not just when she wants something she knows that you dissapprove of. Ask her if she will compromise and just get a little diamond stud in her nose which is still feminine and attractive. I would save the threats of kicking her out. It is such a heartbreaking experience between a child and a parent. Good luck. Be strong, mom. Our kids are worth it.

My heart goes out to you. My daughter is now almost 30 with an 11 year old daughter and they are ok and thriving. I went through so much grief when she was a teenager. I completely understand your feelings about wanting her to support herself before she makes these drastic decisions; please do not turn your back on her though. She wants the piercing because it has been forbidden. I think that you realize that she is 18, of age, and even if she is still living with you, she can do what she wants. Sit down with her and tell her you trust her, you stand by her, you know that she will make the right decision and wish that she would wait to do the piercing but it is her decision. Remember that acceptance is not being in agreement with, or in any way condoning her actions but you must accept that she is legally an adult. I really think once you take the "forbidden fruit" out of the equation she will change her mind. God bless you and hang in there, everything will turn out ok and just how it is meant to be. She needs to find her own way and if you just let her know that you love her, no matter what, I promise you she will come around. The more you try to put restrictions and your opinion on her, the more she will rebel. Trust me, I know. I'm not saying that she should not have to deal with the consequences of her actions, but she needs to make her own mistakes. I personally hate piercings but it is not by far the worst that could happen.

Oh kids! They just never listen. How she will so regret having that done later in life, but you can't tell them. Of course she is 18 years old and is old enough to make her own decisions, but as long as she is living in your household she needs to follow your rules. I would tell her this and tell her once she has moved out and is on her own then she can do what she wants to do but until then she has to follow the rules of the house and that includes not having that tatoo or "bolt" put in her face. Doesn't she realize how horrible she is going to look? Either way if she insists on having it done then you need to insist she find another place to live. I know it is hard and you will always worry about her, but she has to learn that rules are rules and also has to learn to grow up. She will also find out that living on her own is not all that it is cracked up to be and is very expensive. She will realize how lucky she has it at home and probably come around to your way of thinking. If not, then she is on her own.
You only have two choices here and it is the above or accept her for who she is, but it seems you are very against the tatoos etc. and of course you have other children as well that are watching how you handle this situation. If you let her get away with it be prepared to do the same with the other children if they grow up and decide to do the same thing.
I had a simular situation when my daughter was that age, she moved out and of course I worried sick about her but 4 months later she was home and all went great after that. She realized how good she had it at home and how hard it was living on your own. It wasn't over tatoos but it all comes down to the rules of the house and they either accept them or not. Give her the choice but you have to stick with your rules. If you give in then you have no more room to complain.

It may sound harsh but you should remind her "your house, your rules!!" I agree with you that if she insist on breaking your rules she should find somewhere else to live.

Wow, you have quite an Amazon tribe. Fortunately for them you remember that you are the parent and not the other way around. I don't think you're being harsh at all. However, I do wonder if you've sat her down and asked her what is driving this need for body pierciing and whatnot. Find out her motivations and get her to slow down enough to actually do a little bit of thinking about what she's planning. She needs to accept and respect you as the authority figure in your own home.

You and all your daughters, not just this problem eldest daughter, need to bond. Find a common activity to become engaged in together. You may even want to consider volunteering on somebody's campaign since there's so much actitivity going on right now. Hopefully, she'll become aware of how many serious issues need her attention, and will any luck it'll be enough to snap her out of this selfish/rebellious mode. A little physical exhaustion could also help, so consider Habitat for Humanity.

Peace,
B.

I think that since it is your house, and you are still the parent (no matter her age) she has to follow your rules. You need to make that clear to her. If she chooses to disobey the rules, she has to deal with the consequences. State those clearly to her as well. If she chooses to still disobey, she is showing an utter lack of respect for your rules. She is also showing the other girls that it is ok to disrespect mom, and if you don't follow thru with the consequences, that she can get away with it, and that they will too. It isn't a matter of her being old enough to get the piercing without your permission. It is a matter of her being old enough to make choices and still respect you. She is old enough to move out, take care of herself, and pay her own way, but if she chooses to still live at home and take thing an easier route, then she needs to be mature enough to follow the guidelines that you set for your house. You aren't singling her out, these are the same rules you have for the rest of your children. That is my opinion. If you let her violate the rule, then the other children will see that it is okay and you will let them too.

im responding to this because i went through the SAME thing with my parents. The one thing my parents did wrong was that they forbade me to do it, and threatened me with what they would do if i did do it. Which only makes one want to do it even more. Talk to her one on one, let her know that its not something you like and that if she does do it, it will disappoint you more than make you mad. That she has the rest of her life to do what she wants with her body. If you talk to her one on one rather than talk at her, you have a better chance of getting her to at least wait a while. But if shes's as head strong as I was, things might not go so well. GOOD LUCK! (a good way to deter facial piercings if she does go through with it, tell her she has to take it off inside the house, it'll be such a pain to take it in and out and it'll hurt, she'll probably just give up and take it out!)

I would let her go. I have a sister which was very attach to my parents and she wouldn't do what they suggest, she was a brat, my parent left the country about a year ago and my sister didn't want to follow then so she got her own appartment and believe me she is a new person, very responsable, she works and study and she's only 19.

Can I suggest counseling? If she gets her face pierced you won't want anything to do with her? I think there are some issues that this forum cannot address. And I think those issues have been going on for a long, long time. There are many wonderful family counseling centers that your whole family can go to and get some help.

W.,

I have a 19(soon to be 20) son, 17 yr old girl, and 2 others under the age of 9.

First remember, prayer helps. God can change the heart of anyone. In my case he changed my heart. I decided that my kids relationship with God was more important then anything else. Sooo…. Here is my story.

When it all boils down to is what is important to you? I don't care what others think because the reality is they will not be around the rest of my life. My kids are the most important in my life. I allowed my son to get his tongue pierced because I did not want him going behind my back and doing it. I've had several friends that their kids did it behind their back and they never knew. That truly is a slap in the face to me. My husband and I sat with him and asked him why he wanted this. Was it because of everyone else? After making him wait and think about his decision he came back with good enough answers that we decided to go with him and allow one piercing. Then my daughter 17 yr old wanted her nose pierced I fought it for a long time and then went with her to do it. They forget to tell the kids that the holes close very quickly. My daughter took hers out one day and within the hour it was closed. So, no more piercing!  My daughter wanted a bigger gage (gage is the size of the piercing, but, I asked her to stick with the normal size because you don’t notice it.) But, regardless of all that - what I got out of it was a strong relationship. My kids will tell me anything and everything now. They trust me. I hope to have the same relationship with the younger ones. Funny thing is no one knows that they have had this done - just me and my husband. They are not allowed to get tattoos while living under my roof, even though they really want one, and they can only have one piercing. They are willing to wait and are respecting my wishes. If you were to meet my kids you would not think anything bad of them, you would not notice anything different about them. Your daughter having colored hair would probably stand out more then mine would. I say this because as it turned out for our family it is not a big deal like I thought it would be.

I think one thing for you to consider is that if you take a harsh stand with this daughter your other daughters are watching and will not trust to tell you anything. They will hide behind your back for fear of being "disowned". Your daughter is not a grown up and this will not make her one. I just ask that you stop and consider your decision. Is this worth risking the relationship for the rest of your life? I’m not telling you to go against your beliefs just consider your punishment. Let the punishment fit the crime. I think if she goes behind your back there should be a harsh punishment. If she bucks up to you and behaves in an inappropriate manner then consider asking her to move. Explain to your other girls that you do not approve of this and this is the consequence of her decision. I hope everything works out well for you.

I totally agree with Alicia and Janet. If it is only about piercing her face, what exactly is it that she is wanting to pierce? I know parents have rules and they are there to help us, now that im a parent i see that, but there have been things like this that have pushed me out of my parents house at 14 and we still dont speak that often, every once in a while she will call and see how the kids are doing, but before we had an excellent relationship, since my mom had 4 kids and we were both more of night people then anything, we would stay up all night cleaning the house or sitting down or whatever we could find to do together, my mom was one of those that you could talk to her about anything you wanted without judgement or fighting anything, until i started asking about tatts and piercings and more detailed sex. I think alot of what was done and said was to test my parents i wanted to see if they could see me the same way as before, i mean really what changed, nothing, my attitude didnt nothing changed just what i had done to my body, now how could you think so badly of the person you loved and cared for so much, just because of one hole you are willing to risk everything?? Remember i said i was 14 when my parents kicked me out well im almost 25 now married and have 2 beutiful boys that hardly know them, they didnt come to my wedding or to the hospital when i had their only 2 grandbabies. So is it really worth losing all that?? Maybe if nothing else sit down and like adults calmly talk about it maybe you can reach an agreement like to wait until she at least graduates from high school and then let her do what she wants, im not sure if she is in public school or not but if she is most schools have a policy about peircings, and if she got it done, i believe you have to leave it in for a few weeks before you can start taking it off, if so then she will have some problems because if she took it off before that time is up the hole will close up and she will have to do it all over again. If i were you i would think very hard about this before just jumping and kicking her out. I wish you and your family all the luck and i hoped i helped out.

When my oldest turned 18 he too wanted to do the eyebrow piercing and he did. When he came home and I saw it, I made him remove it right away and let him know he just wasted his money. Everytime he came home with it, I did the same thing. He came to understand that as long as he was under my roof he would respect my wishes. I am a single mother and have my children through the stepfamily situation. The same went for tatoos. My oldest is now 24 and living on his own, he has gotten tatoos, but has found that the the piercings are over rated. He is is very funcitonal and has a great job. And my other two have seen that the rules are the rules. Now my daughter (14 y/o) and I have issues on hair coloring, solar nails, and tanning. My comprimise with her is manicure/pedicure and spray on tanning when in season once a month. No hair coloring at her age. We do go toe ot toe and my boys look at her shake there heads and assure me she will learn.... Hope things go well for you!!!!!!

Hi W. I dont think that you should go thru such harsh measurements,just let her know that if she pierce her face up then she will not be able to wear it in your house.The more you tell her not to do it the more she will want to do it.Go easy on her and things will go your way.My 18 year old wanted tatoos and my husband said not while he in our house,but I told him he could get them because I didnt want him to go off to school and come back with them.I was a little upset when he came home with both ears pierced,but he really look handsome with his earrings.B. F.

God bless you. I've been through two teens and the last will be 18 in Oct, I know what you mean. I really have to encourage Tough Love. If you're truly serious, you have to stick with your beliefs. Its' got to be firm and loving, but you pays the bills. It is YOUR house. That was always our position. It may be their home, but it's your property. If you have anyone you and your young people can comunicate with, a cousin, church member, family friend - in the 25-30 age bracket - that's usually where we were most successful in getting a message across

W., sorry to hear about your daughter and her desire to get face piercings. Although I only have one 13 year old daughter ... I have lived through similar problems with my 23 year old niece.

STAND FIRM!

You need to continue up-holding your house "rules". My daughter knows (through watching her cousin who continually makes bad choices) that her personal choices have consequences. Her choices not only affect her, they affect her family and all of the people who love her.

So you can tell your daughter that if she "chooses" to pierce any part of her face -- that's her right because she is an "adult". However, since she is living in your house she needs to follow your rules. Let her know now, up front, that if she decides to do a face piercing, that she needs to make arrangements to live somewhere else before having the piercing done as you and your husband have chosen NOT TO live with anyone who does that to themselves. You can even help pack up her things so she won't have to do it along.

Let it be her decision and follow through with asking her to leave if she decides to get it done anyway. You have two other daughters that need guidance and they will "test" you if you allow your oldest to go against your wishes.

Remember ... Everyone has choices.

Remind her too that if she wants to be a beautician and work in the "public eye" that most people do not like to look at face piercings ... whether it's through the nose, tongue, or eye brow. Personally, when I meet someone that looks like that, I remove myself from the situation and ask the manager or owner to have another employee work with me.

You are not being harsh. I don't blame your not wanting to be around her if she does this to herself. So you need to stand up for what you believe in and not try to second guess yourself because you think you are being too harsh. YOU ARE NOT.

Good luck! I hope in the end she decides to do what is right.

L.

Hi W., I have been there and dealt with that. My daughter is now 20 and has not gotten any tattoos or piercings. The thing that I was dealing with with her at that age was clothes. She wanted to wear real short dresses and have her chest out. I prayed a lot and sent positive people her way to talk to her. We are also involved in church a lot and that was a big help for me as well.A lot of times they want to follow what their friends are doing. Just keep praying. I also have another daughter who just turned 17, I thank the Lord she is headed down the right track so far. I hope this helps - I am a single 43 year mother of 2. Be Blessed W.

W.,
As long as your 18 YO daughter is living in your home, she WILL follow YOUR rules. As she is a part of your family, it is her duty to be a positive part of it. If that is not good enough for her, then sit down and calmly explain to her why she will follow your rules and reiterate to her that if she wants to make grown-up decisions then she can except the grown-up responsibilities (this is called personal responsibility). Follow through, and by all means, make an united front with your current husband (it is his home, too, isn't it?) and your daughter's daddy (if he is a positive, active part of her life) and show her that you love and support her, but, will also let her take responsibility for her actions, regardless of what she may think is right or wrong...after all, you are her parent and have a few years in wisdom on her! and definitely, don't vilify her, just calmly show her (and your other daughters) that certain actions (piercing noses in your home) will hold certain consequences (perhaps, paying a fine to you and your household for violating said household rule AND not permitting her to WEAR the offending "bolt" in your home...something that fits the crime.) I, personally, think that since your daughter is 18, earning some money, she should contribute to the household expenses ie rent! I hope this helps!

Congratulations W. for standing by what you believe in. I don't think you need any suggestions, you are doing fine. Just keep on being consistent and don't waiver. If she takes advantage of the situation, then let her leave or ask her to leave and find out on her own how difficult this world can be.
She is not setting a good example to the younger two. I know how difficult it is to let them leave and all the worry and concern you will endure, but we have to let our little one grow up.
And whatever you do, don't feel guilty or let her play that card. I am sure you are a wonderful mom; what does your husband say to all this. I do hope he is involved.
Wishing you a blessed day
K.
P.S. I am a mom of four. (3 boys and only 1 girl; God had mercy on me and I am so greatful.)

I have an 18 yo son and 16 yo daughter. My daughter wants the belly ring but I said nope not till your 18 which will be one month before her graduation date. I have some cousins whos kids 4 to be exact all got piercings and tatoos. One was an honor student went to college and finished in three years and she got past the "phase". They had the nose piercing and eye brow and tatoos also and she got past the phase as well as the two boys. Two of the others are one year away from college graduationand the last is in the Coast Guard. These kids are just trying to figure out who they are and "express themselves" I guess. Your daughter sounds like she is a good kid, if she wants a nose piercing let her do it after graduation-- its not like she will have it when she is taking her kids to school one day - right?

I know the step family thing very well and I know you are getting opinions there also.

I sympathize with you, and personally I'm against face piercings as well. That being said, please try to keep your cool. Yes, she is 18, but if she is living in your house she needs to abide by your rules. She can do "anything she wants" when she is grown up enough to support herself. I agree with that. I think the manner in which you approach her will make all the difference. Sit down with her and have a rational conversation. Explain to her calmly how you feel and why you feel it. Let her know she's free to disagree, but she's not free to act on that feeling until she's able to support herself. I think if you approach her with an attitude of respect for her feelings, then that will make a big difference. Hope all turns out well.

We are supposed to love our children unconditionally. They are not here to live their lives for US, but for themselves. I'm not saying I agree with what your daughter wants to do. I would hate that too, if my daughter decided to put holes in her face. But I wouldn't disown my child over it either. I love her no matter what. That's unconditional love.

Hi W. - I 100% agree with you. As long as she lives in your house, she follows your rules. I take it a step further and say that as long as you are supporting her, she follows your rules. If she does not like your rules, you can still love her but not support her monetarily. I had to do that with my daughter when she decided that she wanted to live with her boyfriend her first year of college (she was 18). I told her that if she decided to do that she would be on her own and I would not pay for anything. She did it and ended up leaving for college with no money, car or any financial support at all. I told her that I loved her very much and she was welcome to come home anytime. She found out quickly that she had made a big mistake and had a very difficult first year. She is a very responsible 21 year old now, a senior in college and I am paying for her school but she pays for everything else by working. Except for the first few months, we maintained a very good relationship and she completely understands why I took the stance that I did. It made her a better person! Stick to your guns, draw those boundaries and let her know that she is on her own if she chooses to cross them but remind her that you will love her no matter what!
Good Luck!

DANGER DANGER DANGER! W., which is worse, a nose ring or an unmarried, drug addicted or alcoholic, pregnant daughter? I know that sounds extreme, but it is a real possibility if you make that girl move out. There are a lot of really crappy things out there in the world. I was lucky I survived them, but not everyone does. Your daughter needs the safety of your home. Your other kids need to know that they are always welcome in your home no matter what and that your love is unconditional.

Your "baby" still needs her Mother whether she thinks so or not. You need to treat her like I do my 2 year-old son who wants to be independent. Let her make choices, but let her make them within the boundaries of your rules. She is pushing you, but you need to let her know you ARE THERE AND THAT BLOOD IS STRONGER THAN PIERCING!!!

Bargain a small and hidden tattoo for the face piercing? Belly ring instead? Show support for her desire to be "grown up" and make decisions on her own, while protecting her from making really bad choices. Have her experiment with hair color...green if she wants, because that is reversable...piercings leave scars.

I have an e-mail of some really disturbing piercing images, if you want to e-mail me directly at ____@____.com, I will send them to you so you can sit together and discuss what she really thinks of people like that. She may also be looking for attention and approval from you, whether good or bad. Tell her what you told us, that she is good at cosmo and that you are proud of her.

I have 16 yo twin daughters. The subject of piercing their tongues came up recently. We have allowed the ears and now recently the nose--but THAT's it!! We tried to do belly buttons, but you have to have a certain type (who would have known) to pierce successfully. When the tongues came up, we said they were welcome to do that when they were paying for their own medical insurance. Somehow this seems to have held off the wave for the moment. Good luck!!

I've already raised a couple of boys through adulthood and I can tell you, the piercing and tatoos was something we always had a rule about in our house. "Nothing done permanently to your body until you pay the bills for yourself." By the time they were out on their own and thus able to make that decision, it never materialized. We did have a couple of situations when the piercings did show up and we immediately asked for the jewelry and confiscated it. Had to do this a couple of times with one of the boys, but they eventually got the message. We also had younger children in the house and we had to enforce the rules. "If you want to live under our roof, you have to follow the rules." Otherwise, move out, make your own rules and pay your own bills. They are both close to their thirtys now and neither one of them have facial piercings or body tatoos. Enforce the house rules and stick by it, otherwise your rules won't hold up. Be firm and consistent! And good luck! These years are the hardest of them all but if you maintain your rules they will respect you and in the long run, you'll be teaching them how to raise their own children.

Being a mom of teens is tough--on both mom and child. One question I think you have to ask yourself is why are you so opposed to your daughter's piercing? Is it a moral issue? Is it because it will embarass you? Are you concerned about what other people think about people with piercings and how that will affect her future? Another important thing to discern is why does your daughter want to do this? Is it to fit in and be hip? Is it rebellion? Hopefully you know your daughter better than anyone and can discern her heart. The most important question you need to ask yourself is this: is this worth ruining a relationship over? Some of your comments ("if she's so grown up she needs to be a grown up on her own") seem to indicate a deeper issue between the two of you than the piercing, and maybe that needs to be explored. When my daughter wanted to get a piercing, my husband and I discussed it and decided that it was okay. We knew her heart, which was not rebellion, and decided this was not a hill to die on. We went with her and made sure she went someplace that did piercings in a safe and sanitary way. I think our support has made her trust us more. One thing about piercings is that if you change your mind, you can remove them and there is little evidence. If you really can't bring yourself to allow it, maybe talking to her calmly and explaining your reasons and reminding her that soon she will be on her own (doesn't she graduate in May?) and that when she is on her own is the time for her to express herself in this way.

She's doing what most 18 y.o.s do. She's really testing her boundaries and pushing the limits. She needs to know that you will push back on the important things. Choose your battles. Stand firm on the biggies -- the things that impact her health and safety, for example -- and make your feelings known on the other stuff, but also let her know that ultimately, the decision is hers (because it is).

I'd rather my 19 y.o. be pierced or tattooed, have a purple mohawk, etc. than getting pregnant before she's ready, or using drugs.

Let her know you're not thrilled about the way body piercing looks, but leave it at that. Don't worry about her siblings. They will take their own path when it's time.

I once felt just as strongly as you about this issue and others...but now my only daughter has schizophrenia, and I would love to only have your problem.

Hi W.,

I know where you are coming from , trust me. My 17 year old son pierced his lip when he was 16. I hated it and I let him know that I hated it. In fact, I'm still letting him know. But....and this is just my opinion....I wouldn't advise you to throw her out. She's 18 and just wants to experience things...like doing what she wants instead of what she's told. I too have other children in the home, 2 teenage boys and a 3 yr old girl. Yes, they thought it was cool and wanted it too but I just asked them to wait until they were 18.

I told them I needed time to prepare myself for the piercings and tattoos. lol

Trust me, it won't change who she is even if it is hard to look at. My son graduated at 16 and got a job and moved out at 17. Yes, he still has the piercing but he knows when to take it out out of respect to various situations too.

Anyway, just my two cents worth.

Thanks for listening,
S.

Hi W., I can understand a bit of your frustration and seeming helplessness. My oldest is not 18 yet but as a Mom I think I might understand a bit.

I would like to encourge you to try the PRAYER ROUTE!

God gave her to you and is more than willing to help you with her and the others.

HE is able to touch her heart and turn it around when no one else can. The Bible says that the hearts of kings and rulers are in HIS hands and HE turns them wherever HE wills. If HE can do that with Kings' hearts HE sure can with your 18 year old.

In case you are not familiar with the "prayer thing" I will like to recomend a book "The Power of A Praying Parent". It is a great book with prayers at the end of each of the 30 chapters for us to pray for our children. You will love it.

Have a great day, week and I pray that God will give you peace as you turn your 18 year old to Him.

Bless you,
J.

My daughter, now 19 moved out when she was 17 (her senior year in high school). She did not want to follow our rules regarding her new boyfriend. Now she is back home, graduated from high school with a good job. She was a huge brat & I could not believe that she would move out away from me. What I am trying to say is.....whatever your decision, if it is to make her move out....she will come back to you. She will realize how selfish & stupid her actions were. We have younger children in our home also & you have to think about them. We held steady and it was so hard sometimes, because I missed her so much. But, in the end she respected us for it. I will be thinking about you. Hang in there.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, but you sound a lot like my parents which is why I was out of there as soon as I graduated high school. We arn't exactly close now either. You don't want anything to do with her just because she gets a pierceing? It probably doesn't have anything to do with you, she might think it'll look cool and thats it. She's 18. Why don't you just try to grin and bear it, tell her she looks ridiculous but its her face. Also there are different kinds of pierceings some are those goth ones with like a bolt(which are scary looking) and some are little studs you can bearly see. Maybe you can compromise she can get a little stud in her nose or something, if she promises not to get anything else.

My oldest is 8yo, so take my advice with that in mind.

1) She needs your love no matter her appearance.
2) If she is living with you, she needs to abide by your rules.

No, they are not mutually exclusive. She is 18 now and, if she thinks she is ready to be in charge of her own life, she needs to be. Now - before the peircing happens, sit her down and acknowledge her adulthood and her ability to make her own decisions. But let her know, the moment the peircing happens, she needs to find a new home. The locks will be changed and her "stuff" will be on the porch, if needed.

All this is said, in love, of course. And she should be welcome to come visit, but guests go home at night.

Now, on the religious side - you mentioned you are praying, so I will assume you are Christian. If you are not, ignore me on this point. The Bible commands us to honor our parents. If she goes against your wishes to spite you - or whatever, she is not honoring you and is sinning. 18yrs old (or 40 yrs old) does not free us from our responsibility to honor. You cannot keep her from doing what she will do. But point out the heart issue to her during your loving discussion.

Then, let her make her decision and live with the consequences. And plead the blood of Jesus to protect her and keep her from making choices she will regret the rest of her life.

I have 16yo and 15yo daughters and we have been through this already.

My 16yo got her tongue pierced on her 15th birthday. It was after much debate and much research by her on the internet. We did have to make a decision on the battles we chose with her. She is also a big fan of coloring her hair often.
On her 16th birthday, she chose to have her lip pierced ( which is not allowed at school and has become a major source of contention with her principal) but it was her Christmas gift. I can think of worse things to deal with from my daughter but otherwise, she is a great student, a great help at home with my 9 month old twins, a studious worker and sister to the 15 yo. She wants additional piercings but this was the last one she will be allowed until her 18th birhtday. If she chooses to get anything else, it will be paid for by her in full and if it is something that I am opposed to in public, it will be switched to a clear plastic item or she will not be allowed with me or her siblings in public. She and I have already come to this agreement and there is no gray area for us. She gets what she wants and so do I. As it is now, even the little stud she wears in her lip does not get worn out with me, it must be replaced with a clear one or she is not allowed to go.

As an adult, if she wants to make those decisions, then she has to abide by yours as long as you are paying the bills. There are many things they could be involved in, drugs, alcohol, the wrong type of people and etc. Good luck on dealing with this, it is a personal issue and never easy to deal with for me. I see it as a form of expression and a way for them to express their current feelings. What I have tried to impress on my daughters is that body modification is often times permanent and not always easy to change. Remember once a fad is over, it is also very expensive to change those fads and it would have been easier to wait them out.

We are also in a step family situation. My two older daughters are from my previous marriage and the current marriage is only two years old with 9 month old twins.

Oh my you have your hands full! When my daughter reached 18 and I knew she had been talking about tattoos and piercings we simply began pointing out people around town who were "older" and the holes no longer looked good. Or much "older" individuals with tattoos in which the tattoos no longer looked appealing. (provided they EVER did) Asking questions like, "I wonder how much it would cost in plastic surgery to fix those when you get older and you no longer want that look?"

With my younger children (young teenagers)I pulled out several photos of people dressed in many different ways. A policeman, a grandmother, a hippie, and a nice looking young man with many tattoos and piercings. I asked them to pick out the person that would be babysitting. (the 2 yr old foster baby we have been raising) Not one chose the young man. We had a very long discussion in the way you present yourself to others. I asked them if it would be ok if I got a tattoo. They all yelled NO!

On another note...my daughter now has a very small tattoo in a discrete location, and my oldest son has chinese symbols tattooed down his back that he got right after basic training! No one has any holes!

P.S. My children chose the hippie as the babysitter because they knew she would be fun and feed him healthy foods! LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mother to five beautiful children. Ages 21, 19, 15, 14, 12, and a two yr old foster baby who is the joy of our life!

Hi W.,
I went through some similar things. My daughter was about 17 when she wanted her nose pierced (she's 20 now). I didn't like it, but I let her do it because I knew it wouldn't last....and it didn't. I myself, was in Cosomotology in high school and yea, we wanted to experiment, but that's all it was. My son also wanted to pierce things, but I forbid what he was wanting to pierce and told him when he was 18 and old enough to make his own decisions, and was not living in my house, he could do whatever he wanted...and he did. I did let him get his ear pierced, but that was it. He is 3 years older than my oldest daughter. I also have a 10 year old at home who wants to do things like her big sister, but I just tell her no, that she can do those things when she gets older. Just let your daughter know that you love her and you only want what's best for her. Hope this helps!

By the way, I'm also 42, remarried with 3 children (23, 20 10), 1 (17 almost 18) stepson.

So the words my dad told me still ring in my ear "Pierce your ears, nose, tongue whatever...you get a tattoo and I disown you!" He said piercings heal, but tattoos last forever and I am not going to let you ruin any possible chances in the future because of some phase you are going through now.
Now here I am 24 years old...once had a belly button ring, nose ring, and five piercings in my ears...but NO TATTOOS! :) My dad and I had a great relationship and I thank him for saying that to me! A tattoo is definitely something I would have regretted now that I am in the corporate world. It is your job to tell her your rules and expect her to stick to them .... one day she will thank you too :).

She may be looking for attention, or it is her way to rebel. If she is a good person and generally respondsible than tell her you are proud of her for those things. Don't threaten to throw her out..That's just empty threats and she knows it. My daughter peirced her nose and when I dind't make a big deal of it she took it out. Go Figure.

Whatever you do, do it in love, no yelling, or kicking people out when your yelling. Talk to her, if she gets loud then she's looking just to get her way, don't stoop to that level. With the world as it is today kids need to know they are safe at home,somewhere to rest their head, but not be bumbs. My oldest daughter acted the same way she turned 18 and did the little diamond in her nose, she didnt get a fuss out of me I was tired of having the conversation, she is very strong willed since 6 months probally younger really but anyway she would only do one thing at a time her belly button all the cheerleaders were doing it so her dad took her another story, then she wanted her nose, so then she did that for a year took it out and did her tongue, let that grow up and did the little diamond in the nose some time or another she wanted that tatoo on her lower back, she was 19 then, now she is 20 and the only thing she wears is the earings in her ears. Sad to say the tat on her back is here to stay. I felt the same way you did but when she saw that I was going to love her no matter what then she out grew all the stuff. I don't know the best answer but I would talk to God to give you wisdom and guidance on this one, and do your best to talk about. Tell her she's precious to you and you want the very best for her. Its great that your daughter has the cosmotology underway, she later may want to choose to do something else to make a living and its great that she can do hair on the side and make extra cash.

I can empathize completely. My own children are older but I also have steps still in school. I raised my own from the cradle with the notion the an "adult" pays their own rent somewhere. Age does not an "adult" make. Thank God my brainwashing worked and I did not have to face the issues your talking about with my girls. The steps live with mom or are out of the home and are tatooed and pierced galore ( so is mom) But the truth is that it is against school dress codes in most schools. I work at A high school and have kids in detention for failure to remove piercings. To do such a thing while in school can be a great waste of her money as she will not be able to leave it in while at school. Maybe this knowledge will help your daughter to delay her body altering until she is out of school. New piercings need to be left alone for weeks to heal and she will most likely be out of dress code with it in.

What I have to say will probably NOT be popular and will sound harsh BUT you have to establish household rules and enforce them or there is NO use in having any rules at all. Our rules are very similar to yours. If my kids do not like it, they may leave. If they do NOT want to follow the rules, they must leave. I will not have the younger ones ruined b/c the older ones do not want to mind and follow the house rules.

I do not think it has anything to do with a facial piercing or a tattoo. I think it has to do with SIMPLE DISRESPECT. Disrespect for you and herself. We have several young (1, 2 and 15 yo) and grown, (23, 25, 28, 35). Only one of the grown ones could not / would not follow the house rules. He got to leave at 18. The others have done well.

Like I said, my views will not be popular but that is the way I run my household.

well i dont have an eighteen year old(my baby is 3)... however i have been a hairstylist for 19 years.. i was raised in a very conservative family who didnt allow tattoos ect... my mother gave me the boot when i was eighteen. I ended up living in a delapidated run down apt with not so great roomates( who might i add, were not good influences on a eighteen year old who thought she new it all but still needed her mothers guidance...) I ws the oldest of my siblings and my parents became a lot more understnding with the younger ones.. I have alot of asssociates that i have know through the years who have gotten involved with drugs ect... mostly people who didnt have good parental support.. I was lucky, i am a strong person and wasnt the sort to fall to peer pressure, but i can imagine what could have happened with the roomates i had if i didnt.. The salon industry is a hard business.. it will take her years before she makes any money, however for myself it has become very lucrative,,,, i am VERY lucky.. you can succeed at this business if you work hard...
Bottom line, if i was you (which i am sure i will be in 15 years) just be supportive of her. I mean no one is going to die from a pierced nose. Let her know you dont approve but its her nose or whatever.. i have to honestly say out of all of my associates, i dont know one who still has Bolts through there nose..I am 37.. The worst thing you can do is send her out to the sharks too young!!!! she is very easy prey right now and she needs you more than ever to show her you love her even if she makes decisions you dont agree with.. Its just another phase.. hope this helps...L.
)

Hi W..
You are not being harsh. Stick to your rules. I feel as long as she is living under your care, she needs to follow all your rules and be respectful to all family members.
I lived with my parents until I was 22 and even though I was working and paying my bills, I still was living under their care; college tuition, health insurance, car insurance, household expenses; mortgage, utilities, etc. Therefore, I did not take advantage of them. Being in college I understood how expensive living on my own would be. I was very grateful. And although I was of drinking age and of age to go out as I pleased, I still made it a point to come home at reasonable hours. Even though I was "an adult", I still considered the fact that they would probably be on "alert" for my arrival. That's just what parents do. I just didn't want them worrying until 3,4,5 o'clock in the morning.
Anyway, if those are your rules, then she should abide by them.
Take Care,
D.

Hi. My name is Shaena. I'm going to give you a mature opinion on the other end of the spectrum. I'm 21, and have two kids. I was recently 18. Haha. I, unfortunately, have 8 tattoos that I regret. At the time I was 18, I was pierced up and down, but upon the birth of my first child they became painful from him grabbing them, of course.

My father was very leniant with me with the expectation that I paid for all my work (tattoos, piercings), and my car with my own money. I had already graduated at this point.

Now I see and completely understand why you feel she should follow your rules and that's that..but you may should teach your daughter that there should always be room for compromise. I'm not saying that she should follow in my shoes and get 8 freakin tattoos. That was obviously a bad mistake on my part. BUT maybe, just maybe you should give a little way and agree upon a tattoo that she would want that you like...in a place that you can't see, as long as she pays for it and keeps it covered up. The same with a piercing..as long as it's not right across her face (something I never did, honestly). Maybe she'll get tired of it or learn her lesson early

And I want to end this saying that I'm NOT judging or disagreeing with your parenting style. Besides, I've never been the mother of an 18 year old, but like I said, I was one recently. I learned from my mistakes but that doesn't mean she will.

I hope I've been of SOME help at least. If not, I apoligize. Please forgive me!!

Good luck!!

Hi W. - I'm with you. If you're living under my roof you follow my rules! At this point allow her to finish school (you wouldn't want her not to)but let her know that her choices will come with consequences. If she chooses to do something you do not approve of and that will negatively influence your other girls, then she is also choosing to live on her own after graduation. It will also give her time to decide if this is that important to her. Then - Stick to your guns and follow through! Good luck.

C.

She's looking to express herself and its probably just a phase. Pacify her. She will eventually forget the idea. Or maybe she won't. Just be clear to your other kids that they are not old enough and its not allowed. We are to love and support our children no matter what. Check the definition of unconditional love. You should not put boundaries on that..

Have a dentist talk to her about infections that can occur from those piercings. An infection that occurs there can quickly become systemic and head for the brain. Very scary. I have a friend whose dentist gave this talk to her daughters, and they are no longer interested!!

W., I know how you feel, my daughter is 15 and she wants the same things. I don't know what I would do if I seen her with a piercing or tattoo but I know I will love her jsut the same and accept her for who she is because she is my daughter. Kids will make choices that we don't approve of but we, as parents, need to accept them for who they are and love them for who they are. What she does with her body at 18 should not have any affect on the way that you love her. God loves us the way we are no matter what....no conditions. I know you want her to understand being an adult and making the right decisions and I do not know the full story of your home but if she is paying her way at your home then she should be able to make her own choices as long as she is not disrespecting you or your home. I know about the other girls seeing this but they need to understand that she is 18 and can make those choices, this does not mean that the other girls will make the same choices. Just thought I would spill, hope I did not offend you.

When my grand-daughter wanted to get her tongue pierced my son said there would be no more college money, and she knew he meant it. She is now 27 and is still Unpierced.

W., If being 18 means to her that she is an adult and can do as she pleases then yes she can stick something in her nose if she wants to, but then she can find somewhere else to live where the rules of the house will accept nose rings. If she is living in your home whether she be 18, 25 or 31 she has to respect the rules of the house, particularly if she is not paying rent. She considers herself an adult then she can start paying for her own food and for living in your home. You will have to be very firm with her and tell her how you feel about the nose ring and that if she wishes to live in your home then she cannot pierce her nose. As soon as she moves out on her own then she can do as she pleases, but while she is under your roof that is what is expected of her. She might be 18, but she is still young and when living with others she must have boundaries and rules. It's called respect and you have every right to expect it of her. If she pierces her nose anyway then I would start packing her stuff and give her a date when she is expected to be gone. Sometimes it is very hard for us parents to be this strict with our kids, but sometimes it's the only way they will learn. I suspect if you tell her how you feel and set down the rules, she will not pierce her nose. Good Luck!

I'm not going to read all 100+ responses so I don't know if any of what I will say has been said b4. I can feel for you. I have told my children that even though they may turn 18 while still in HS, they are still under my house and rules. (They don't even have a life until they have that diploma. :))

If they feel that they are big enough to be on their own, so be it, but they are not to ask me for help - including money. If they want to grow up so fast - no matter how well I've taught them - they will have to learn on their own. I can't stop them and the law is on their side. My oldest thought he was "Old Enough", now he realizes how smart I was back-in-the-day.

Your 18yo is not my daughter and I'm not in your shoes, but I can feel for you. I don't agree with the tattoes and excessive piercings myself, but kids will do what they want to do. Mine did and do. All we can do is love them - we don't have to like them.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Thank God your daughter is healthy, active, and able to start thinking for herself. It's just a piercing. Is that all it takes not want her in your home? Legally she has become an adult, but think about when you were 18. Were you really ready to be out on your own? Were all your decisions the correct ones? I thank God for my mother who let me know her opinions and reasons for them and allowed me and my other 3 sisters to make our own choices, deal with the consequences, and learn from our own mistakes. More harm is caused to your other children if home becomes a war zone. Love her unconditionally and be there for her. She will always need a mom's advice.

Dear W.--I know the frustration you must feel. But I caution you about telling your daughter to move out. There is so much trouble she can get into out there on her own. Obviously, she's not ready to make major life decisions. About the piercing--if that's the worst thing she's doing, consider yourself blessed. I know it will be an irritation to you, but it's part of her trying to cut the apron strings and think for herself. Legally, of course, she's perfectly within her rights to do this. I would try to speak to her as calmly as possible and tell her how you feel about the piercing. Try to do this when you can communicate rationally, and don't let the conversation turn into a power struggle. COMMUNICATION is the key goal here. (I think it's gross, myself. My daughter came home with a belly-button piercing and I almost died!) If you explain your objections, like the health risks and the fact that others will consider it strange, and she opts to do it anyway, at least she'll know where you stand. (By the way, when my daughter got engaged, her fiance insisted that she remove her belly-button ring and let the whole thing grow back together. He was grossed out, too!) As for the message that this is sending to your other daughters--they will learn that even though you disapprove of a particular behavior, that you will always love them. After all, they are your girls!

Hi I dont have a teenager yet but I have a niece and have worked around teens so you may have already done these things but just a couple of thoughts I thought i would pass on. Well when i first read your post I thought shes 18 however you have two younger daughters and I totally agree with you. You younger daughters dont need to be exposed to it. I think maybe sitting down with your oldest and not getting upset (i know easier said than done) explain that yes you dont like it and yes shes 18 but that she is still living in your house where her 2 younger sisters are and that you dont want your younger daughters to be exposed to that. I think if she really loves her sisters that she will understand and if she doesnt just tell her that when she moves out and pays her own bills and rent then you wont have a say so but honestly while she is living under you roof I believe you do. hope this might help Good Luck and try to stay CALM!!.

I'm a control freak myself, so I can totally understand how you feel, but I really think you'll regret it if you make ultimatums like that. She needs to know you'll love her unconditionally, and that although you don't approve of her actions, she's always welcome in your home. That's more important than a silly face peircing that she'll probably get rid of in time.

Stand your ground Mom. I have 2 15 yr olds & 10 yr old at home. I've made it clear, I pay the morgage, clean, etc. My house, my rules. I love you, always will, but if you are going to live here this is what is allowed. I get all time when I'm 17 or 18 I'm going to....ok but if you are living here my house, my rules. When you have your own house I will respect what you do and your rules. They know that after high school they will pay rent. Now the amount will depend on what you are doing. Its teaching them to take responsibiltiy for their actions & thus their life.
It's not harsh, its tough love. She may be 18, but is not really an adult if you are living, eating, bathing on your parents bill.
Also ask her to take a good look at people at their jobs, including Spas/Salons. How are they dressed and groomed? Where does she want to be in 1, 2, or 3 years? Tattoos are permanent so think about what you want to have seen. You may not get to where you want because of what you had to have done today.

I totally understand. I don't know the right answer but some things to think about. Explain to her, if you decide to let her make her own bad choice that you want her to find a safe place to have it done. Then, and I am sure you can find plenty of visuals on the INTERNET or from a Doctor, show her what can happen with or with out using a very sterile environment (piercings gone bad, infections, rings getting ripped out etc..) then share with her some of the comments made here. "Just wanted to let you know honey I was chatting with several of my friends and they were saying let her go for it, she'll regret it anyways and remove it in a couple of weeks or months" and ask her "are you sure you want to go thru the pain of having it done just to get rid if it in a few weeks or months? And have the scar? Also share with her that yes indeed people do think, treat and respect people with certain piercing differently. Some are tasteful and some are not. Same with tattoos. I'm not saying it is all bad. But ask her, what do you really want the people at Church, school (teachers) parents of the kids you babysit? Your customers to think of you. Ask her "seriously dear what do YOU REALLY think of someone the first time you saw someone with a stick in their nose or their ear stretched with a huge hole. Sorry to me it was "gross, not cool at all" But on the other hand sometimes it is done very tastefully. Hope it helps. Oh (I have trouble with this part) try to stay cool with your temper. I know I know its VERY hard. As a mother of a 14 year old know it all. Blessings

I am trying to think of the best way to approach yor request...
It seems like you are wanting your daughter to make good choices but feeling like you have less and less control over her.
My advice is to come to terms with the fact that you have less and less control over her and take an honest look at the situation as far as what you want your future relationship to be.
I don't know you , so I'm not quite sure of your motivation,
are you getting more and more embarrased by her behavior??

Some kids grow up to be exactly like their parents,
and some kids work hard to make sure they are completely the opposite of their parents,
That could be because they were forced instead of supported in their lives with their parents.

I really want things to work out between the two of you.
I'm sure you will do the right thing!!

I would really suggest support instead of conflict if you want your relationship to work out long term.
She is becoming independant and if she feels supported instead of rejected by you then she will come to you for counciling at the tough times.
Remember, she is going to grow out of this and you don't want it to have driven a stake between y'all.-A.

Are you seriously going to kick your daughter out for getting piercings. All I have to say is if that is what makes or breaks your relationship with your daughter then your the one with the issues. Holes grow in. I really hope you think through on this one. I hope you realize how lucky you really are for her even having a discussion with you about it at all. It could always be worse.

I would give her that limitation... the minute she steps through your door with a piercing or tattoo she will pack her stuff and leave. I don't think it's too harsh it's setting limits while you are footing the bill.

Now, once she leaves your house you can't control it but at least you can while she's under your roof.

Please tell her, from someone with piercing experience, that people DO judge you if you have piercings and tattoos. I don't mind them so much, but when I had my nose and tongue pierced people would actually stear clear of me even though I am clean cut otherwise. And my husband litterally scared people with an eyebrow, tongue and labre piercing. Now that he has taken them out he has a much easier time in society.

Best wishes,
TV

p.s. for you only: at least if she sticks with piercings vs. tattoos, she can take them out with minimal effect later.

Hi. My children are 27, 24, & 17 and believe me when I say we've been through some crazy times with them. It's always the hardest with the oldest one because it's all new to you. I used to think that once I got them to 18 I was home free but I now know that the years between 18 and 25 are the absolute worst. I also know that despite the crazy stupid things they do, you can't push them away. They really do need you now more than ever -- they just can't admit it. Keep on loving your daughter - yes, even if she pierces her face or gets a tattoo. Remember, that you love her, not her looks. Parents like to talk about unconditonal love but it really is hard to SHOW it, especially when you see your darling children turning into something you don't recognize. You have to show her that you love is unconditional. You do not have to support everything she does. She's going to do things you don't like and don't agree with. All you can really do at this point is express your dis-satisfaction WITHOUT ANY EMOTION and move on. Don't disconnect. You can explain to your other daughters that you don't like what Susie Q is doing but that she is old enough now to make her own decisions. You really don't have control anymore, you lost that a long time ago. Right now you only get influence and she gets to decide how much influence you get. Just like you get to decide whether or not to let this posting influence you. The goal here is to keep her talking to you and try to gain influence. You only get to put your foot down so many times. Save them for things that will really hurt like alchohol, drugs, and sex (ADS). If she knows you love her, even with a bolt through her face, you will gain a little bit of a foothold that you can use to influence the really big decisions on ADS. She'll come back around in time but it just may take a while.

What a tough one! I have three girls: 9, 15, & 18. It's not easy to say the least. Let's consider this: when we are dealing with our teens on issues such as this - it's not so much the outward issue, such as wanting a piercing, as it is a matter of the heart. What is the real reason why she want to pierce her face? I think when you begin to take time (and make it positive) to talk with her you will soon realize what part of her character needs some work. You can then begin to work on reshaping some character issues.

I also think our children need to know that our "yes" means "yes" and our "no" means "no". They need a healthy respect for those answers. It is not unreasonable to say that body piercings are a no in your family, and this is why....Then think of something you can say yes to. Or remind her of the things you have already said yes to. She needs to know that if she goes against your word, there will be direct consequences, and then list the consequences. I know you are afraid of rejecting her and wanting her to go somewhere else, but just love her. God loves us unconditionally, receives us with opens arms, and never rejects us. That doesn't mean there are not consequences for what we do. Your daughter needs to know you love her, and will always love her and be there for her. That your love for her is not based on what she does or doesn't do. But do not cave in on the consequences if she does go out and directly disobeys you. She may be 18, but she is living under your roof and she is a role model and example to her siblings. Pray for her faithfully. Power of a praying parent is a good book to have when you are raising children. It's written by Stormie Omartian. I will be praying for you and your daughter as well.

W., I think those things look gross too, but it's a matter of taste, not a moral issue. Talk to her, let her know how you feel, and that she may regret it later, because you can't undo a hole in your face. Ask her what kind of message she thinks it sends to people if she has her face pierced. (Not in an accusing tone, but as a concerned mother. If she blows it off, ask more probing questions.) Have a calm discussion with her about what you expect from her once she graduates high school. Do you want her to support herself? Live with you and pay rent? Ask questions, let her come up with some answers, and work on solutions together. If she stays at home, she has to agree to abide by the rules of the house and be a good influence to her sisters. I don't think you should carry on so much about the face piercing, though. If she does go through with it, let the younger girls know you don't agree with it, you hope they don't do it, but sometimes people make decisions differently than you'd make yourself. Don't talk at them - engage them in discussion too.

Hi, W....Im 27 with an 8 year old daughter and an 18 month son. My fiance gets drunk every other weekend and sometimes doesnt come home till 4 AM....Now, I also am anti-tatoo/piercings. I love to be able to tell people that I dont have any. By the way, I never continued my education after HS. I am desperately trying now that I see the importance of it, but with my family situation, it's very difficult. My point of all that is that it seems to me that your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and I am almost certain that you would not kick her out because of a few holes in her face. My boyfriend's niece is 16 and she has a 2 yr old daughter. You can imagine what that was like when the 14 yr old said she was preg. But I'll tell you one thing. If anyone touches that 2yr old baby girl, that person will have a body part in each of her family members hands because they will tear them apart. In other words, if a mother can forgive her 14 yr old for getting pregnant, then surely you will be able to forgive your daughter for a couple of piercings. Try to become openminded about it though. Compromise. Tell her that if she gets a tatoo, it has to be where it will be covered and she has to show it to you...(that way she doesnt try to hide it. Ya'll will still have trust) and if she gets piercings, she cannot wear them at home. Tell her that if you are willing to respect her "style" then she has to respect your rules. Now, her first words of defense will be that she has to keep it in or it will close....there are clear ones that they can use to where it isnt that obvious. And if you decide you truly cannot stand it, then tell her that she is an adult and that she is now making her own money, so she needs to start looking for a place. And this doesnt have to be said out of anger. Get up one day and say, " Hay! I've got an idea, lets look at some apartments, just for fun." Make a day out of it. Good Luck....T.

I agree with you. If she is old enough to make decision that are against your home rules then she is old enough to support herself. At 18 you have pretty much done all you can to raise her it is really up to her to make her own decisions now and to face the consequences of those decisions. Let her know that if she wants to do things that are forbidden in your home then she will need to make other living arrangements. That is not harsh, that is a lesson more parents should teach their childern...there are consequences to our decisions. And like you said her actions will set precedence with your other children.

Mother to 3 girls that also has rules.

We, too, have certain things that are "forbidden" (including tattos and piercings) and "required" while our teens live at home. But if the emphasis is always on what is forbidden and required, then you miss the relationship!! No one, adult, child, or inbetween, wants to be seen only for what they are on the outside. And teens want to know especially that their parents love them and accept them for who they are. I think that is a huge reason so many teens do the tattoos and piercings: they want to know who in their life will see THEM and who will only see the skin stuff. This is your daughter for (hopefully) the rest of your life. What do you want your relationship with her to be like in five years? Do you want a wonderful adult friend who cuts your hair and calls to ask you what to do about her boyfriend and helps you cook the Thanksgiving turkey? Then start working towards that now. If you feel you already have a good start on that, with a relationship based on mutual respect and trust and ever-increasing freedom for a teen, then I think you can gently and without name-calling or sarcasm firmly tell her that, as long as she lives in your house, she cannot wear face piercings. But if you want that relationship and know you are far from it, then I really think you should step back and decide what is truly important. Show her in the most tangible way possible that you love her through thick and thin, good decisions and bad, that she can never do something that would diminish your love for her or make her unwelcome in your home or arms. You can accept her without ever giving your approval about the piercing. THAT is what your younger daughters will see. Then they will avoid piercings not because they fear losing your love, but because they know there is no way possible to lose your love so why put it to the test?

Hey W.,

Tell her "Okay, we've decided that you are right; 18 years old is in fact what the law considers as 'adult'. And we're glad you want to begin handling responsibility in this regard.

Making the decision to pierce yourself though is only one of a lot of other things expected of a person acting in the capacity of an adult. New priviledges come with adulthood, but so do new respnsibilities. If you choose the ADULT PRIVILEDGE of making the decision to pierce yourself, are you also ready to accept these ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES that will be expected of you also?:"

* Pay us a weekly or monthly rental amount.
* Pay for your own food.
* Pay for your own car, gas, upkeep, insurance. etc.
* Pay for your own clothing.
* Pay for all your own entertainment. Movies, eating out, etc.

If she says yes to all these things and begins to actually fulfill these adult responsibities, then step back and let her do as she wishes regarding the piercing. Anything less than that on your part is the act of CONTROLLING and will be met with justified resistance on your daughter's part.

Also, which is easiest for you to handle? A daughter with a face piercing who in every other way is a good kid - or a daughter who gets into really bad things because of being overly thwarted in expressing her sense of her own identity, that is par for the course for her age, usually mislabeled as 'rebellion'.

Also, ask yourself honestly just why you are so bothered by her being pierced. Is it fear of infection, fear of possible job opportunities being denied her, fear of how she'll feel about herself in having regrets of being a 50 year old with holes in her face? Or is the real reason, your pride - as to how others may percieve what your daughter has done as it reflects on you?
(Find out by the way, if the skin of pierce holes grow back together if unused &/or in the aging process. Or if the holes are just not really visible in old age.)

Also, it could be your daughter just hasn't really thought through the consequences of piercing mentioned above.

If you can't talk to her about all this without things getting explosive and getting her all riled up, write her a letter about all this (or show her this response).

By the way, by way of qualifying myself in this response, I am the mother of 2 sons, age 18 and 20.

Also,tell her most responsible adults give themselves 'think on it' time of at least a week when making major decisions.

Hope these ideas have been helpful, W..

Hang in there!

Oh, just thought of something: ask her to seek out others who have pierced - her age and older- who are NOT happy with their piercings and why. (Probably right now, she is only hearing the 'pros' of it by her buddies - and she needs to hear the 'cons' also, to really make an informed decision. Another 'adult'thing.) This can really have a big impact, because it's coming from those who've 'been there. Someone from the outside, not Mom or Dad.

S. G.
Friday, March 7

Has she ever thought about being a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant? That would definitely give her the chance to make MONEY at what she loves to do, she can experience what's it like to OWN her own business, again, at doing what she likes to do and lastly, it will surround her with positive role models and other women to help her along the way. I am proudly a Mary Kay Consultant and I love doing it! I would love to talk with her more about the business!!! We are having a conference call tonight at 9:00 pm that i would love for her to listen in on. Mom, you can listen as well. Give me a call ---T. Leach-----###-###-####

And if anyone reading this would like to earn an extra $1500 -$3000/mo. then you you need to give me a call. After all, if it don't make dollars, it don't make sense!!! I will be looking to hear from all of you who have the vision to make a difference!!!

T.

WELL, I WOULD HAVE TO TELL YOU TO FOLLOW DR. PHILS ADVICE... PICK UR BATTLES WISELY... IF A PIERCING IS ALL... THAN BE THANKFULL... THERE R SO MANY PARENTS OUT THERE WORRYING ABOUT THERE CHILD BEING PREGANT AND UNWED... OR ON DRUGS... OR EATING DISORDERS... LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY... LIFE IS SHORT... YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU ARE HER WILL BE HERE TOMORROW.. DO U REALLY WANNA WASTE IT OVER A PERCING?? i WOULDEN'T I LOVE MY CHILDREN TOO MUCH... AND OH BTW I AM GOING TO BE 54 IN JUNE AND WHEN MY 31 YR OLD WAS 18 AND WANTED HER BELLY PERCIED... WE DONE IT TOGATHER... AND WHEN MY 22 YR OLD WAS 18 AND WANTED HER TOUNGUE PERCIED WE DONE IT TOGATHER...i GAVE AND LET THEM GROW AND IT BROUGHT US CLOSER... AND BECAUSE, I (THERE MOTHER) EXPERIANCED IT WITH THEM... IT BROUGHT US CLOSER... ALL'S I AM SAYIN IS PICK UR BATTLES.. LIFE IS WAY TO SHORT.... HAVE A BLESSED DAY

W.,
In the end you will end up doing what you feel strongly about. However, please keep in mind that for the past 18 years, you have supported her, loved her, clothed her and even made sure that she did something in school to help her after graduation. 18 is a tough age cause some kids are mature enough to survive out there, but I would have to say 90% are not. It sounds as though you feel she is in the 90% group. Are you willing to throw out all the hard work you did over the past 18 years over a piercing? It's just a piece of jewlery that she, perhaps fashionably, decided to place on her face. Every generation has its own extreme fashion statement and perhaps this is hers. Talk to her, and I mean talk. Listen to her, and I mean listen. No yelling, threats or interruptions can be made. There is a chance that you can either talk her out of it or negotiate something with her. Sometimes it takes the parents support and being stronger than the strongest to allow their children to make mistakes and learn from them. Its tough love. To her it is not a mistake, to you it is. Be positive and continue to teach her great values and morals. She will pick up on them even though right now you don't feel as though she is. You will be surprised how much she will grow and mature in these next 2-5 years. Sure, there is a chance you may have to see these piercings day in and day out, but if you talk to her and allow her time to digest it and come to a conclusion (on her own) that you are giving her this right and freedom to do this with your support, as long as she followed some simple rules. The rules can't be outrageous like, never in the house, cause then there will be no buy in. She will argue it will close and be upset. Perhaps start off not wearing it around around your friends or colleagues, or on Sundays.

Lastly, she is 18, do you know how many 18 year olds come home having to tell their parents that they are pregnant? She came home wanting to express herself. Do what you do best and support her. Don't push her out because you do not agree with this one ridiculous choice she has made. These piercings can be taken out, so see it as a temporary situation you have to live through until she finds another alternative.

Good Luck!!

W...... Take a deep breath...... This is coming from someone who has a piercing ( or as you put it BOLT ). Tell your daughter, that even thow you DONT approve of it, if she is going to do it, at least get it somewhere that can be hidden. Mine is in my tounge, and they have clear "BOLTS", so I can go out amongst the "normal" people... Tell her that in the work place, almost ALL piercings, ( minus ears ) are not allowed. At least the jobs that will make her good money. You dont want to put her out because of this... There is MUCH worse that she could do that would make you want to put her out...... Be glad it is this, and not the "Mom im prego" speach!!!!!! P.S. Tell her that I said IT HERT LIKE HELL!!!!! AND YOU TALK LIKE A DUMB ASS FOR ABOUT 2 WEEKS UNTILL IT HEALS!!!!!!! Let me know...

You are right, you do sound harsh. It also so sounds like this is about losing control but, in the end you will be pushing your daughter away. There are worse things your daughter could do and get involved in then body piercings, tattoos and colored hair. It is like you are stereotyping people who like these things as being bad or a negative influence. These things are really looked on as an art, individuality, a way for people to express themselves. Maybe that is all this is about, your daughter wanting to express herself. Maybe she has kept things bottled up inside (with the step family issue, etc). And so what if traditional school isn't her thing right now; at least she has something that interest her. Try to understanding the things she is interested in and why they interest her. She is an individual and has her own opinions. Look for the positive and don't dwell on what may be perceived as a negative.

Well, I also have an 18 yo in cosmo for the second year with freedom issues -are you looking in our windows at night?? ha ha Although, she is not the one with the piercing ideas- it is her brother who is 17. He has spaced his ears to a half-inch. yuk!! He keeps his hair long so you really can't see it all the time, but still gross just the same. Before we knew it they were already spaced, not like I inspect his body from head to toe every day, so we missed it. I say a fad that he will regret big time later. After all he is only 17. We have sat down with our daughter and son about their freedom to do as they please, because the fact still remains that we support them and she works also, but is not made to contribute to our home with $$ yet. She also understands that WE still make the rules in OUR home. She is given rules and knows that she can make her OWN rules when she pays her OWN way on her OWN. Why don't you sit down with your daughter and tell her to wait until she is on her own to pierce her face. Discuss the pros and cons of piercing and depending on the way you communicate with her, she may wait. But if you are not wanting anything to do with her, sounds like you have other issues. She is 18, and can do things to her body that you can't control, but she also will have to deal with the consequences of that, (Stares, snubbs, judging, etc...) Piercing doesn't make her a bad kid, it just is different from the way you and I grew up. I am also 42. Again, SHE will have to deal with that, you don't have to. I think it is probably a fad and she might grow out of it, and as long as she knows why you don't want her to (your other kids getting ideas) I think she might think it would be better to wait until she is on her own. She is testing the waters now that she is 18, but you don't have to bend the rules for any of them. She needs to know that. Discuss it like ADULTS. You might get a better reaction than you think. Good luck--V. n.

Let her know that her sisters are looking up to her as a role model and that her decisions affect the whole family and not just her. Even if she is 18 she still needs a mom to teacher how to be a woman. Sounds like you did a good job at raising a kid, now your job is to make her a responsible, respectable, hardworking woman out of her. Now, when she is an adult and can leagally do a whole bunch of things we as parent don't want them to do, is when you should have the greatest influence in her life. Hang in there, God gave us our children, we have to keep working with them.

I understand that you do not want your daughter to pierce her nose. But, it does sound like you are being a little harsh on saying that you want her to live somewhere else. This is just a phase- hopefully that she is going through trying to find her own identity. There are parents out there who have lost their children or who have sick children - what they would give to have a well child who wanted to pierce their nose. I hate to be the Devil's advocate here, but she is your daughter who once was your sweet baby. Try to remember that when she gets you so angry. Hope I did not step on your toes by saying this. Let's be thankful for our children that God has blessed us with. God Bless and Good Luck!
T. T

I don't know if you're still reading but were you more concerned about how your daughter looks and what people think of your parenting? You make it clear that you don't approve but don't really give a reason why, have you given one to her outside that you just don't want her to do it? And please keep an open mind on the rest of what I say because my intent is not to criticize and I do want to share what I have learned with my children and my stepson, the latter is 29, my kids are 16 (girl), and two boys, 13 and 9. And I realize by now that something could have changed with the situation you described in your update but you have two more daughters coming up and these types of issues are likely not over.

As parents we make decisions when our children are pretty young and/or as we raise them about when we expect them to be adults, i.e. if we will support them through in your case the cosmetology school and I assume for at least a while as she starts actually earning money in the profession so that she has enough for a downpayment on an apartment, or to find a suitable roommate situation, etc., or through college or are they out when they are 18, period.

My stepson wanted a tattoo. I told him to wait until he was 18 because unless you wish to undergo a painful procedure, a tattoo is forever. He did wait until he left home, probably more because he didn't have the money for the tattoo than truly respect for our request but he also told me that right after he got, he wished that he wouldn't.

A piercing is not the end of the world in the realm of things that could go wrong. I have a stepdaughter who will shortly be 18. Last spring she called my X to ask his opinion on a tattoo or a belly piercing. He asked her what her mom thought, she had said ask your dad, I think hoping he would definitely nix the tattoo. He told her that the belly thing was probably not that big a deal but she should probably wait about the tattoo until she was older and was sure it was something she wanted for life. She got the piercing and seemed happy to drop the other issue, which is what I think her mother was hoping for.

If your daughter pierced her nose or her eyebrow, one piercing is not that big a deal and she would likely decide at some point she didn't want it, take out the earring and would have a small scar to show for her youthful experimentation that would remind her for the rest of her life that she wants to think really hard before she makes these kinds of decisions for herself.

As far as the other kids go. I would have asked that she wait until she had moved out for the piercing but unless you want her to never speak to her sisters again, what is the point of kicking her out over a piercing? I would also have asked that if she could not respect my request, that she at least only do one piercing but also that she would be required to find another place to live as soon as she graduated cosmetology school.

Kids need to experiment and have a sense of expression. Thankfully, my daughter doesn't want anything pierced that is not on her ear (she is double pierced and wants a cartilege piercing as well), and she has been told that like the first two, that one will wait until another graduation date which is a year away. She has not wanted pink hair or anything else that was horrifying but she is also not doing drugs, drinking or having sex so in the realm of things she could be doing, if she was adamant about a facial piercing and the result of my digging my heels in was her leaving home totally unprepared for the world, I would probably give it some really long thought about why I was so hell bent on her not doing it.

If it is merely a power struggle, what is the point? Do you think a facial piercing signifies something evil or implies that she is not the type of person she is underneath? I think they are tacky and unattractive and I also espouse the notion that you are not doing it until you are 18 but then what?

We continue to help our children when they are "grown" because they need our guidance so that they can make some mistakes while we are still around to pick them up and support them. If you push them out of the nest too soon you forego that ability to continue to guide how they grow and the choices they make. We aren't going to like everything that our children do but they have to figure things out for themselves and all we can really hope is that they remember our guidance and that the Lord will look after them.

I guess the bottom line for me is would Jesus love her any less for putting a hole in her face? If He would continue to love her why would I presume to behave in an unloving way because she makes a choice I don't agree with? Of course, there are some situations that are much more difficult decisions if it is something much more damaging than a piercing but there is a big difference between something I don't like and doing something that is totall detrimental and seriously against the values we have tried to instill.

W., I have 3 daughters, 32, 27 & 22 and raised them with my second husband. Our rule was no body piercings, tattoos, etc while living in our house. Then my oldest went and got a tattoo in a discreet place when she turned 18. This was not what instigated her move, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. We discussed with her the need she had to make her own decisions in spite of our rules and came to a joint decision it was time for her to move. We helped her into an apartment and she moved.(She had a job so she footed her bills herself) It was all done as a positive step. Although I disagree with the tattoo, I have always let her know I loved her and was there for her. I think this is very important. Since then she has been in the Navy, got another tattoo, belly piercing and tongue piercing. Again I let her know I disagreed, but I still loved her. Now she is out of the Navy, has a great job and will be obtaining her Bachelors this December. She doesn't wear her tongue ring (it's unprofessional) and doesn't wear her belly ring (maybe again after a few pounds come off). The tattoos are there to stay, but all in all, she is one terrific lady. All this to say, if you have determined the rules you have set are important to you, then stick to them, but don't let a tattoo or a piercing determine your love for your child. After raising three, believe me, this is the LEAST of your problems! Another thing, if your convictions are strong then stick with them. Children have a way of going as far as you allow them to and then sometimes, there's no pulling them back. I am dealing with those issues with my youngest girl right now. (lesson learned a little too late) But I am praying God will pull her through.

My son is now 19 and out of the house working for our country in the USAF. However, he was a senior in high school when he turned 18 and he had things he wanted to do that were against our rules/wishes and felt that we could'nt do anything about it since he was "18". We told him that as long as he is still in high school, lives under our roof and is financially supported by us, he WILL follow OUR rules no matter how old he is. We told him that if he chooses to disobey/disregard our rules, then he will be required to buy his own food, his own school clothes/shoes. We said we would take away his cell phone that WE pay for and we would strip his room down to the bare necessities. We also told him that if he wanted to go on the senior trip, have a senior year book, senior pictures, and participate in graduation (all of which cost us, as his parents, lots of money) he would have to come up with the money himself.

I am not sure which one of these actions we took made the impact, but he began respecting our rules again and everything went smoothly. He got to enjoy his bedroom, cell phone, clothes, and participated in all of his senior events. He abided by ALL of our rules including maintaining a B average in school! Now, he has been in the USAF for just over a year (his 1 yr anniversary was on 9/11/08) and he is working on his education so that he can become an officer and enjoy a great career in the USAF as a Jet Mechanic!

Oh and by the way, we too, are living in a step-family situation. So, good luck to you and your daughter. I hope things turn out ok and she begins to respect your rules.

It seems to me that if she is of legal age (18) and pays for the piercings with her own money, then it's her decision. I actually think it would be a good thing for ALL of your girls to understand that when they are of legal, decision-making age and are paying for something with their own money, that it's their decision. They also should understand that they are responsible for the consequences too. For instance, if they get a tat and decide later that they hate it - they are responsible for the money and effort involved in removing it. A piercing is not so bad... she decides she hates it, she can take it out. If it going to effect if she gets a job, then that is a consequence that she will have to live with. I think that it is an extremely foolish thing to kick your daughter out about. And all that will show your other girl's is that their mother doesn't love them enough to stand by them if they decide to do something that you don't agree with. And really, if everyone agreed with one another and did the same things, theis would be an extremely boring world.

PS - I got a tattoo and belly piercing when I turned 18 (with money I had made myself)... my mother wasn't terribly pleased, but she understood it was my decision what to do with my money... it actually made me grow up some more knowing that she would treat me as such. Hope this helps :)

I am a Cosmetologist myself of 23 yrs. And I am 39 yrs old. Instead of telling her no, try telling her the conseqences, this is what i do with my 18 year old daughter, whom is bipolar and getting her GED and doing very well I might add.

For ex: (I'm not going to sit here and tell you no, no, no, (because they will do it any way and find a way to do it behind our back, hell we did, remember?) this is the real world and infections and diseases and the fact that some salons may think that pireceings maybe unprofessional and make you cover it up with a bandaide or even take it out, (unless you work in Hot Topics)(I was a manager at a salon and I had my staff take them out), customers will not appricate the gothic look. But you know what, you have you're own job and you are 18 yrs old, yet you live under my roof, do you feel this is fair to me when I've told you i dont like it, if this is the way you want to look than dont let the door hit you on the way out, when you are living on your own then hey im all for it, but you have to think about your other sisters right now and Im not allowing it, do we have an understanding?)

And tell her in a calm but firm voice. I told my daughter when she had a job and kept it and turned 18 if she still wanted her tounge pierced I would let her and she waited and finally got it done, but I dont love her any less and they do grow up and get a mind of thier own but so did we and we turned out just fine. She will not stick it up your nose, just remember though they always find a way to do the things we dont want them to, just find another way of telling her, no. I am a single mom and have been doing it alone for many years (12) and I get overwhelmed sometimes and I only have one I could only imagine with 3. It will be OK I hope this may help.

At least she is not pregnant, I'd rather her have a piercing.

She can not follow rules then she is not old enough to drive her car/ or other things she like doing, About the tattos and nose rings the more you don't like it the more she is going to it. It is a stage

I would discuss with her the pros and cons of body piercing. Also discuss the fact that when she is living on her own as an adult, she can make her own decisions. Until then, while living under your roof, she has to follow your rules. This will give her some thinking time and hopefully the urge will wear off.

Honestly,
you really don't have a choice. She is 18. If you are going to kick her out for this then remember, if there are other decisions and issues going on in her life she probably wont come to you for motherly advise. The way I see it is the situation could be way worse than bolting her face. At least that can come out and the hole will close up. She could do worse.
She could be impregnated, strung out on drugs, dropped out of school, on well fare at the age 16.
If you look at the youth of America today and the amount of children that are dropped out of high school with children of there own then you could realize that piercing your face at the age 18 isn't as bad as you think.
I think putting her through Cosmetology is wonderful. It is a big money making industry, and even at the age 18 she can rent out her own station and be her own boss. Basically owning her own business.
Oh and I have a child with a stepfather here at home and I couldn't ask for a more wonderful family. We are all very different which makes for a very colorful home.
Its not the nose ring that is going to make an impression on her little sisters. Its being successful at her career.

If you clearly lay out expectations and consequences, it would seem crazy not to support your decision to let her be a big girl and let her take care of herself. Stick to your instincts on this one. You've got support!

You are right, she is old enough to make her own decisions. She is also old enough to get out on her own and live however she wants to, and I suggest that if she cannot abide by your wishes, she should do just that. jsbgran

Actually, at 18 your daughter is a grown up. Regardless of whether you feel she is properly prepared for life as an adult, legally she is one. That being said, she can also rent her own apartment and pay her own bills with a career in the cosmetology field. However, she'll learn really quickly that not every salon wants to hire a human pin cushion (as I so lovingly refer to a pierced friend of mine) to work in the visible areas of their business. On the other hand, if she wants to experiment with her appearance isn't this the best time to get it out of her system? Will she be going away to college after graduation or will she be living at home and attending a local school? If she's going to be with you for a while you really need to be willing to compromise if you honestly love her. You also are not giving your younger girls enough credit. As a teacher who works with 11-15 year olds, I can honestly say that your girls more than likely understand that your eldest is simply "being a crazy teenager."
Years before I was "teacher of the year", I had pink hair and was in a band that was known more by the local P.D. than the local audiences. (We were LOUD.) I too was the oldest kid and just wanted to break loose and be myself for a change...before joining the rat race. Relax and give yourself a break. While you're at it, think about some possible compromises. For example, under YOUR roof certain things will be accepted given that ALL of her grades are satisfactory. Give her a carrot so to speak. No piercings, but maybe a fun and unconventional hair color or style upon earning respectable grades. (Not everyone is "Staight A Sally.") Be thankful she's not on drugs or worse, opting for tattoos and plastic surgery at her age. I see it happen all the time. Piercings heal and hair grows out. And as I tell myself all the time...this too shall pass! Good Luck and God Bless!!! -L. R

UGH! Not and easy issue to face at all... I don't look forward to the teen years, and I have a son!

I would suggest that just the two of you go someplace nice and calm and quiet place (restaurant, park, etc.) where you can talk. Really focus on staying calm (so much harder to do then to say I know) and tell her your concerns. Also, you should make it clear to her how much you love her and will always love her. You need to also make it clear that while she is living under your roof and you are supporting her that she is expected to follow your house rules, no exceptions.

18 can be such a hard stage especially when one wants to be of independant yet they are still so immature. Hang in there and maybe see if being more affectionate and attentive helps. Maybe this is a way of her getting your attention... I wonder when they ever grow out of that! ;-)

GOOD LUCK!

If a nose ring is her biggest rebellion, then I would praise God for that. Nose rings can be cute, if the right one is selected. I would go with her and be part of it. This is a time when you can either grow your relationship with her, or let it fall apart. At 18, I rebelled and ended up pregnant. If my family had just supported me a little, I definately would not have rebelled so much. A nose ring is not so bad...in my opinion.

Hi,
Unfortunately we only have a couple of hours a day to influence our children, and the culture and society has the rest. It seems to me the more we disagree with them the more they want to do something. Piercing her face is not permanent like a (tatoo). What is important is how your relationship is, is she smoking pot doing drugs, etc. Don't you remember when you were that age, what stuff were you doing. I think we should not sweat the small stuff, we need to love them and get them through this rough time, she will grow out of it.

Hi,I think you are on the right track but you need to be clear abouyt the consequences of her choices and then - the biggie!- be prepared to follow through. If she does get a peircing, and you have explained the consequnce will be that she leaves your home, then you need to be prepared to follow through with this. Your other daughters need to understand that there are consequences for choices and that when mum says something, she means it! Good luck!

I have a teen as well, well he is 21 now and we have been through some stuff. Seems like kids at that age want to do things to make themselves unique. The piercing stuff is like a fashion trend with the young people I think. When I was 18, it was fashionable to have a "tail" and I got one and died it hot pink which my parents hated. I would try not to over react to it and perhaps try to educate your daughter on the dangers of this piercing stuff. For example, the piercing of the eye brow frequently tends to produce scar tissue and will leave a long term mark or disfiguration. I personally, in my 30s, for whatever reason got a small stud in my nose. I don't know why I wanted to do it; again, I think I was just trying to make a personal statement. I liked it but it was short lived because it was a pain to deal with as was the belly ring because it was always getting rubbed by my jeans. The piercings are on the surface and if at all possible, I think you should try to influence your daughter, but not take a harsh stance against it which will put the two of you at odds. You want her to talk to you about things she is considering doing which it sounds like she does and you want to keep it that way. I do understand the issue about your daughter being a bad example for younger siblings. I went through this as well with my oldest son. He dropped out of school and then wouldn't go to work or anything and so we had to take some action on that and told him if that was the way he was going to live, he could not live in our house and he could go stay with his biological dad. He did end up moving out and currently lives on his own in California. He is still trying to find his way, but I feel that the issue we were having was material and I couldn't have my 10 year old thinking he could drop out and not work. Anyway, I know this stuff is hard. I would just see the piercing and tattoo as an "accessory" that is popular with the young people and usually they may do it, but later just cast it aside, but if you make a big deal out of it they are definitely going to do it. Again, especially with tatoos, let your daughter know that MANY tattoo places are not clean and you can get serious fatal diseases from this. Well I remember when I was 18 I thought I was invincible and that "wouldn't happen to me".... it is just the age.

Hi W., I'm sure that you probably have been to counseling with you girls already if you are working with a second marriage, but in case not, and even if you have, I think that going with or without your daughter on this issue may be in your best interest. At this age, I'm sure that you are aware, kids feel that they are very capable of making their own decisions and that anything that we parents have to say or think is just "not understanding". I recommend The Woodlands Family Institute for counseling. There are several counselors accepting various insurance plans as well as a coordinating psychiatrist--the one counselor we have used is Veronique Vandencourt but I've also heard good things about Joe Wise. If nothing else, to get ready for being strong (even though you think your ready and strong, having someone else helping you to be strong and come up with a strategy while being objective and a professional really helps at times). If she is involved in a church youth group, you might get the youth leader(minister)to assist with engaging her in discussions about the potential piercing and how unwise that is. Also how about articles off the internet on piercings "gone wrong" or bad after effects of such activities--like in the future scaring, etc.) the youth leader may be able to "pull them" from his/her files while having the discussions.

Just suggestions. I have a daughter (mid-20's) and son (early 20's). I had practically no concerns with the daughter, but the son has had several issues--some of them continue to bring us concern. Going to counseling with and without him has at least given us support that we are not alone and ideas on how to handle the problems.

Good luck and stay strong.

P.

When my oldest turned 18 he thought he could do anything he wanted because he was a "man". I agreed he could, as long as he didn't live with me. While living with me he had to adhere to my rules. It was a battle for a short time, but his younger brothers were watching, it saved me a lot of frustration with the younger boys to set the first one strainght. I did relax his curfew as long as I knew where he was. Take a deep breath. You could tell her its fine to pierce whatever, but before she walks into your home it comes out, she can put it back in when she leaves. This wont work because the hole closes, but she may not find that out until its closed up. Also, sometimes if we make a big deal of something it inflames the situation. What if you said to her, ok, that will be interesting when you are out on your own you can do that. Much of the time the issue passes without their taking action on it. One of my standard answers when they ask a question that I want to give a firm no to is "we will see", much of the time it doesn't come about and I didn't have to be the heavy. Pick your battles carefully.

Hi W.,

You mentioned she is a Senior in high school, is she planning on going off to college? If so, and you are planning on paying for it, then you can use that as a "carrot" to dangle on respecting your wishes. However, when she does go off to college she will probably do it anyway. My oldest daughter, who is now 24 did it off at college, knowing we were going to be upset, but she was 18 and wanted to "express herself". She had it for about 3 years, but she recently graduated and has "grown up" in her thinking process and knows to get a good job, that wearing one is not "realistic" in the business world. She removed it about 6 months before she graduated and are we happy! If she really wants to have it done, she probably will either way, with your blessing or without. Just remember she is young and this too will pass. Don't throw in the towel, I'm sure if you look at the big picture, if the worse thing she ever does is get this piercing, you will be very proud and lucky to have raised a decent young woman. K. (mom of 8), 24,21,19,18,18,14,14, and 11

when my son was 17 he wanted to perce his eye brow, my husband and i talked it over and said go for it. then a friend and him did there tongue, the tongue lasted 12 hours and he took it out. the eye brow lasted until he got shingles, and the dr. said oh dear that eye brow thing has got to go, you will keep getting shingles everytime you get near a child who has chicken pox, so that ended our our time with this fad. he no longer is even interested in it. his school was a small privite school that had strick codes and they wore uniforms. he is now in a great university studing civil engerning and is doing well. we always gave our boys the opertunity to explore and decide on their own who they are and what they will be. if you have faith that you did right when they were young continue to have faith in your kids. mother of 6 grand mother of 14. D.. ps i do not live in usa. that might have made it easier for us.

Your daughter is now 18.. she is old enough to learn, understand, and respect that it is your house.. your rules. Also, that if she can't abide by the rules there will be consequences. It a nose ring now, but whats next?Remember that your other children are seeing her actions. You don't want to expose them to what you feel is a negative influence. All children go through a rebellion and make bad choices(I know i did!!). Sometimes the more you fight them the more determined they get. She is 18. She can legally do as she wants, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with her choices or support her financially. Sometimes our children must fail and fall on there face before they realize that we do know more than they do. It is hard for us to stand back and watch, but sometime it is the only option.

I wish I had read some of this advice before my dd got her lip pierced last May after she turned 18. She waited to trn 18 because she knew we wouldn't give permission. But I sorta looked at it as her expression as we did as teens with our long hair and faded hip hugger jeans. But it was her attitude that bugged me...the "I am the adult, now" attitude that I needed to nip in the bud. She is in college locally and pretty much on her own. We pay for college, the car and gas/insurance but her expenses are hers...For what it's worth, she uses a clear retainer at her job and understands the prejudices over it. Frankly, I didn't make a big deal over the piercing and hardly see it now. Again,it was the bad uppity attitude that needed piercing more than her face!

Saying you don't want anything to do with your daughter is being just a little bit over-dramatic, don't you think? I understand your disappointment but she is 18! If I were in your place and felt this strongly about an issue, I would sit the girl down and tell her that if she believes she is old enough to do what she wants, then she must act grownup and begin paying room and board. If she wants to be an adult, make her own choices, and be responsible for herself, she must begin to act like one and start being responsible for her own needs. Otherwise, it's play by my rules.

I wish my parents had been stricter with me once I started working and still lived at home. When I left home, I was very immature and irresponsible. I treated my own daughter differently and she was much more mature and sensible when she left the nest.

I read a bunch of the responses before I decided to write. I agree with what seemed to be the majority of those who responded with the re-acurring message of accepting your daughter, loving her un-conditionally and keeping her in your life! this isn't rocket science! We are to love our kids! My son as soon as he turned 18 (not sooner, because I wouldn't let him) he pierced his nipples and his septum (big ring going through his nose) and he got a tattoo! I didn't approve but he waited till he was 18 so I didn't try to stop him. Yes he lived with me and he had his hair long and pulled into a ponytail with the bottom half of his hair shaved short. He wore all black, lots of ugly jewelry of skulls and such, and wore black nail polish and eye liner! That was his signature look, and although he didnot have an easy time finding work and some people looked at him funny, that was who he was and I loved him very much anyway! I dated a guy once that told me he was ashamed to be seen in public with my son, my son stayed, I made the guy leave! and I was discusted that he could not see through my son's looks to the big hearted person that he really was! My son now is in the army in Iraq defending our freedom! I am very proud of him ,as I have always been! He is a christian and has one of the biggest, most generous hearts that I have ever known!
Please don't judge your daughter because she want's to be her own individual! You will regret it for the rest of your life if you put a wedge between the two of you and show her that you do not love her enough to overlook something so small! Gosh what would happen if she actually did something bad? You are sending a message to your other two girls too! One that ..your love for your children including them, is one that is only offered when they are in compliance with what you approve of! Christ loved us and gave his life for us while we were yet sinners! Our love for our children should resemble Christ's love for us! Don't be foolish, don't make a huge lifelong mistake! Love your daughter! Don't kick her out of your home unless she physically endangers the other girls. A piercing is hardly cause for the actions that you have proposed. Think and lOve your kids!

When I lived at home, I knew there were certain rules that I had to follow to live there...and when I went off to college there also were certain rules I had to follow for my parents to keep paying my tuition, housing, and some spending money. It was a mutual respect and I knew those rules were set in stone. I didn't mess with them. No drinking while I was under 21, no staying over with the opposite sex, or having sex for that matter, watch my grades, when I was home I attended church with the family (at school it was up to me, I didn't go very often). But it worked so very well, because I had a relationship with my parents and could talk to my mom about anything. If she told me not to do something she explained the "why" behind it. She didn't want me to do anything that could change my future/or ruin my plans for life before they even started. I think she could have handled a piercing, it isn't permanent and can be taken out. A tattoo, was a big no-no, it is permanent and who knows if you will still even like it at 30, 40 or 50 years old (or when you apply for a job). Gosh, I would think if your answer is NO, then it is NO...but explain why it is NO. Is it wasting the money on a hole that she might let close up a a month or two...is it health reasons the chance of catching hep A, B, or C, a staph infection that could be antibiotic resistant, or any other type of infection, or it might leave a scar on her face. Sit down and talk calmly about it and tell her when she CAN get it done. When she can support herself financially and is living on her own as an adult in a few years. If she is going to work as a cosmetologist, that is something she can be doing a year or two and be supporting herself. Also, clearly explain the consequence of what will happen if she decides to go ahead and do it now. Will you no longer pay her expenses for certain items, car, insurance, spending money,...or will she no longer have a car or access to a car??...will you really follow through and make her move out? She has to know that if she makes this "adult" decision then there are "adult" consequences to her action. Being an adult is hard and some days it really sucks!! Wish I were 18 again...*sigh* Good luck and let us know how it turns out!! {{{{hugs}}}

I have older children, too, and a step relationship...the whole nine yards. What I told my two daughters was that as long as they lived under my roof I had 4 requirements: no tatoos, no piercings other than one hole per ear, no credit cards and no living with the opposite sex. As long as they could follow these rules, I would pay for their living expenses and college (provided they made A's and B's - that's another issue). At the point where they couldn't follow these rules, that would be the sign to me that they were grown up and ready to pay their own way - for everything. My daughters are now 24 and 25 with no piecings, tatoos, credit cards and one is happily married. They both have thanked me for not letting them get in debt or make a stupid lifelong mistake due to childhood ignorance. Good luck!

I have a 19 year old, that went to college last fall. We had some of the same issues, as far as "You can't tell me what to do, I am 18 now". Okay, we told him, please feel free to do it your way, just without us. We had kept him safe and protected for 18 years and now his opinion was, what we were telling him was no longer in his best interest. We had told what we could do for college (this is my stepson, we had paid over 150,000.00 in child support over 13 years and mom had not saved any money for college), dorm, extra expenses, etc. He wanted a new truck, apartment, new laptop, the works, when he would not accept our offerings we pulled it ALL. We explained that we have two younger kids in the house and we were not going to show them that his manipulations worked. If we gave in, we would have three kids doing this. There was a 3 month or so period where he didn't have much to do with us (mom gave in and gave him the stuff he wanted)., however, he did come back and ask for forgiveness and we are on the road to healing. I always tell ask my kids, "how many times do I tell you to play in traffic?" My point, is that I would never tell you to do or not to do something that would hurt you. As far as piercings, I know you are thinking infection, scarring and if she changes her mind one day and decides not to stay in such a liberal industry, it could hurt her new career choice. Science tells us that the frontal lobe doesn't fully develop till the age of 25, this is the part of the brain that understands consequences. This is why 15 year olds think having a baby will be "cool" or a 18 year old want a 4 inch screw sticking out of her eyebrow! I really would suggest sitting her down calmly (think...I having an adult conversation, with another adult) and tell her your concerns, your worries over the other kids in the house, explain the rules. Then give her a choice...keep the all the great stuff she gets while living at home, without a piercing or good luck making it on her own. Tell her the door is always open when she is ready to go by the rules. However, like we told our son it is not a revolving door...you get one time to come back and go by the rules.
Good Luck and keep us posted,
K.

She's old enough to vote, Mom. Tell her that you expect her to move out after she graduates and gets a job, and how proud you are that she has prepared herself for adulthood by training for a job she enjoys.

Be grateful. A lot of 18-year-olds have NO idea what they want to do for a living. Her lifestyle choices are now her responsibility, not yours. And she should not be in "someone else's house" -- she should be in her own.

You can offer to help her move. In fact, as soon as she gets a job, start bringing home boxes.

Cathy

I had to kick my 18 year old out when she turned 18 due to non compliance with our rules. She immediately went out and got her eyebrow pierced and wore provocative clothes when coming to our house, to check in once in a while to see her child we have since adopted. I met her at the door with a bandaid to cover the piercings no m atter how many and she could not wear the tongue ring at our home. I alos met her at the door with one of my husbands shirts and made her put it on and button it up. If she chose not to do these, then she didn't get in. She quickly realized I metn business. And My Little one was not subjected to those atrosities we did not approve of.
Hope this helps.

We have always had the policy that "if you live in my house, you follow my rules". You should tell her ahead of time that if she chooses to pierce her face that she will have to move out. If anything is offensive to you, she should respect you by not bringing that into your home.

Tell her she can do what she wants. She is going to anyways. She is just acting out and is trying to be independent and wants you to tell her no. The more you just tell her to do whatever she wants the less she will want to do. Good luck!!!

W.,
Hello, first off your daughter needs to know the dangers of any piercing any part of her body, I am 49 yrs old and a couple of years ago I was dared to do something like this on my eyebrow, needless to say, it got infected and know I have
a big indentation where the ring was. I would not recomend this to anyone, because I always kept It clean and it still got infected. Lots of luck and God Bless your family.

____@____.com

I once heard a Christian family counselor say (about teen rebellion) that "if it will fade out, grow out, or can be removed, eventually it will."

Even if she pierces her nose or eyebrow now she can always remove it later, if you damage your relationship with her now by rejecting her it may never be repaired.

You are very much entitled to your opinion about piercings and tattoos but show your children that you value them above your opinions.

Been there.. done that! That is such an awful power struggle!! If you are firm in your decision about the piercings etc then you are going to have to not back down an inch for her to respect your home. Especially in light of the fact you have another teenager coming up right behind her! She's pushing the boundries.. that's her job, but if you back down now she's going to expect you to continue to back down in other areas where restrictions are placed. And then your younger children will expect that as well.
That said.. I am 42 yo mom of 4, all living with 2nd husband. It has been a challenge.. but kids play on any source of weakness they see. I chose my battles carefully, and for me I was not going to argue about the piercings. All 3 of my girls got something in their face pierced at some point. The novelty wore off faster than an argument between us would have and none of them have kept any of it. Even the hair is back to natural colors. They learned quickly that it wasn't just that mom "didn't like it", but it would affect people's impression of her.
Is there any kind of compromise the two of you could come to? Either way, don't let the lines of communication break down. One of the most important things she can learn is how important it is to keep talking even when there is a difference of opinion. And pray (duh).. Even though she doesn't see it yet, and would probably never admit it, she is continuing to learn from you and still needs you to "mother" her.
I don't know if that helps or not, but I do sympathize!
Good Luck! S.

I have a 19 yr old and a 17 yr old daughter and they both want piercings and one wants a tattoo! I say stand your ground. My 19 yr old asked what we would do if she pierced her tongue and we told her that she could do it when she moved out and was on her own. She has not done it because she knows we mean it. Teenagers don't think about the long-term consequences or about how others view them with all of their piercings as trashy, rebellious kids. I told mine that you don't see anyone over the age of 25 with facial piercings because they have grown up and out of that rebellious stage. Sometimes, they just want to see what you will really do. It only sounds harsh to those who do not or have not had teenagers. If she lives in your house and you are supporing her, you have the right to make the rules!