How to Break Prideful Behavior, i.e Teach 5Ry Old Son Humility... HELP!

Hi H.,

Maybe he is just embarrassed and ashamed rather that prideful? I haven't seen his behavior so that might be a possibility. I would try talking with him about not needing to be embarassed.

S.

Hi H.. Remember, that kids are ego beings. You are doing a good job it sounds like. If it would help, maybe help him write a letter or note of apology. Let him say what he wants and help him write it, if he knows his letters. Just let it be in his own penmanship. I used to assistant teach daycare kindergarten. We would do this often. If they felt bad about something, we would let them write it out on paper. They would compose it, I would relay it on paper with a black marker and put a piece of tracing paper on it, tape it down and they would write it and sign their name. Such relief for them! They learn by example. They see the world with new eyes and he will grow up learning what you teach. It just takes time...S. D.

Hello H.,
Wow, you've gotten some pretty judgemental responses, as well as a few helpful ones. I guess people are entitled to their own opinions, but wow, to respond in such a way to criticize your parenting skills...that's not cool...and I will pray for these individuals. :) You are here looking for guidance and encouraging suggestions...not to be told to "run" to parenting class or counseling. We are a Christian family too and have the same beliefs you do as far as sinning, forgiveness, spanking, etc. We also have similiar "issues" with our 3 1/2 yr. old daughter when it comes to saying sorry. She has NO problem telling me, my husband, or her sister sorry and asking for forgiveness...BUT has a really hard time telling her friends, strangers, etc. She knows she needs to, but says that "I'm too shy" and starts to cry...wanting us to do it for her. And like you guys, our daughter does see us modeling the appropriate behavior (saying sorry, asking for forgiveness)...so that's not it. I'm not sure why it is...maybe it's age, maybe it's fear of rejection (the other person not accepting the apology)...I don't know. Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to respond and let you know that I think you are doing a fabulous job, and handling the situation appropriately. So...keep reading your Bible, living according to God's word and His will...and as you know, you will continue to raise a wonderful little boy. :)
"Train up a child in the he should go, and even when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

Have a Blessed week!

Hi H. - From how you've described the situation, it sounds like your son might feel very overwhelmed at the idea of apologizing, especially since he probably feels shame for having done it. I wonder if the best tactic given his intense response is to help him take it "one step at a time" which would help it to feel less intimidating. (you might already be doing these things) For example, some suggestions you've already gotten sound good...like having him practice at home talking with a toy bear. I wonder if it might also help to explain to him what will happen when you go over to apologize together, and talk about what he is scared might happen. Encourage him when you go that it's ok to just say the word "sorry" and hand the toy back; let him know that for now it's ok for Mommy to do most of the talking for him (after all, he's only 5!). Be reassuring and encouraging to any steps he does towards apologizing, and in time he will get used to it. After all, it's uncomfortable for adults to apologize to each other, so I can only imagine how overwhelming that discomfort must be to a young child. I wish you the best...

I think you sound like a great mom. There is nothing wrong teaching your child we all do wrong. That is why Jesus died for us. My son is now 8 and there were times I had to walk him to the neighbors crying and all because he did not want to apologize but it got easier for him. He sees us daily apoligizing and being kind to eachother- using positive words. After all the crying my son gave me when having to go next door and say sorry I told him how proud of him I was. At bedtime we chose a story about right choices.

I'm not sure what you've tried in the past to get him used to apologizing other than just telling him to do it, but I guess I'd suggest starting by going with him to the neighbor's home and, if he says he absolutely cannot do it himself, speak for your son. Maybe start at home by asking him if he's sorry he took the object. If he says yes, ask him if he could tell the neighbor that. If he says no, then tell him you can apologize for him and he can just stand next to you while you do it. When you "apologize" to the neighbor, tell the neighbor how you were talking to your son and how he said he was very sorry for having taken the fan without their permission and would like to give it back. Maybe say how he was afraid to speak to them himself because he was ashamed at what he did and thought they would get upset with him. This will hopefully open up conversation with the neighbor so that they can thank him for bringing it back and "apologizing" (even though you were the one speaking for him).

I think it's better for him to be there with you when you speak to the neighbor so that he knows exactly how they react and sees that they're not upset. Also, even at 5 years old, kids often can't find the right words to explain their feelings so trying your best to put their feelings into words is very helpful and validates what they're feeling instead of implying that it's wrong for them to feel that way or belittle it in any way. (Not that you're doing that, it's just easy to forget that their words only touch the surface of what's going on in their little heads)

You can also teach your son the sign for "sorry" so that he can "say" it without having to speak it - it might make it easier for him to apologize for the time being and help with transitioning him into saying the right words next time. The way you sign "sorry" is by taking your fist, putting it on your chest and making a circle around your heart. You'll still have to translate for people and tell them that he's saying "sorry" but it might be easier than having him spit it out!

Why don't you start with a different way of apologizing? Discuss the situation with him and then allow him to draw a picture of what he could have done, or write a short letter/sentence saying sorry. Then have him give that picture/writing to the person. When he gets comfortable with that have him say sorry and do the pic/writing and then eventually eliminate everything but saying sorry.

What i've read is not to force an apology... but to make sure he gives the item back. An apology should be from the heart. I ask my son "what can you do to make it better" and we talk about the options. One option is to say they are sorry, another option is not to do it again but to ask if they can play with it, etc Sounda like he's embarassed. I don't believe in the spanking at all, but i just do things differently. good luck : )

I'm sorry, I understand you are entitled to your "Christian" beliefs, but regarding your child as a sinner is very damaging to him. I hope you will look in your heart and read your New Testament about what Jesus actually taught and you will have a different idea in how to approach your child. (aka forgiveness). Of course he must be taught right from wrong, but he is too young to treat like a little criminal. The problem is you are shaming him, which will actually make your belief that he is "bad" into a self fulfilling prophecy. I also don't see how an apology that is coerced is a real apology. You might suggest instead that he try to understand how he would feel if someone walked off with one of his toys. He may or may not get this yet, but it is a beginning of understanding for him, perhaps.

hi H.,

My 5 yr old has similar issues. I believe she thinks an apology means she was wrong and the other person is right, which is true, but it's too h*** o* her ego. It's difficult to explain the meaning of an apology to a 5 yr old. They can, however understand forgiveness. Rather than saying "I'm sorry", we ask our daughter to say 'will you forgive me?' there are good bible stories about forgiveness you can teach your son about and asking for forgiveness instead of saying i'm sorry I think kind of makes our daughter feel like she's receiving something special (forgiveness) instead of giving something up, and I believe it does instill humility - hope that makes sense.

They are prideful at this age, just a normal part of development - need for autonomy and all that - they have a need to feel like they are able to make their own decisions for themselves on some things - not a sin, it will subside as he matures a bit more.

best of luck to you,

w.

First of all does your son really knows what sorry means?? To many children under the age of 7 they do not actually know what sorry means it is just a word and they seem to begin saying it with quite frequently. I think there are other ways he may ask for forgiveness. One would be to draw a picture for his friends, shake their hand, or give him/her a hug. THe number one thing to do is forbid him to play outside or with others until he follows your rules. I have a child care and five children of my own and I really believe if he is truthful about things you are doing a wonderful job. Positive discipline has been researched to be the prper way to discipline. Being consistent, involved, and positive which you seem to provide, will lead to a better outcome in any situation.
Good luck and take care!!

H.
I have mot read any responds but to help your son with forgiveness and empathy you have to help see the other point of view in many forms. In calmer moods have a chat with him and ask him questions about this subject. Does it make you feel better when you are apologized to? and the like
Good Luck!
J.

I just gave this same response to another mother, but I think it also applies here...Best wishes!

"I usually hate to give advice about things like this because I don't want to sound trite, but I feel compelled to ask because of a book that I'm reading...do you think your child has an anger problem (angry, frustrated, withdrawn lately, etc)? If so, PLEASE get a hold of "how to really love your angry child". "

My daughter (almost 5) has always had a difficult time apologizing, except to me. She generally will do it, if I tell her what will happen if she doesn't. Even then, she wants to hold my hand and then hesitantly whisper it into the offended person's ear. I think she's a bit embarrassed about what she's done and having to apologize. Pride may play a part, but I think she's a bit young to worry about that.

Since your son has such a difficult time with it, perhaps you could have him practice. Start by you pretending to do something to him--take a toy or pretend to break a crayon. Then tell him you're sorry and ask him to forgive you. Try to get him to do the same for you, and then see if he'll do this practice with Dad and big step-brother. I'm also pretty sure you could find Christian children's book on the subject to read to him. When you have him pray at bedtime, suggest he pray that it becomes easier for him to apologize. If he has a hard time doing it, you pray that out loud for him.

It'll come. I work at a preschool, and it's common for some kids to have difficulty apologizing. Oh, make sure he sees you and family members apologizing to each other, even if it's just over little stuff.

Please seek counseling for parenting help if you can right away. Children learn best from POSITIVE reinforcement -- praising what they do right! All children are GOOD, including your son. Please tell your son what he does that is good and GODLY. Your child will thrive on your love, kindness, positive suppport... God created your son in His image -- perfection -- just like you. Please love yourself and love your son. That's what God wants.

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/

My daughter was like that, but she didn't want to apoligize because she felt embarrassed, even if she accidentally hurt someone she could hardly speak a word to say sorry. I think it's a matter of maturity. You need make him understand when he should be sorry and he needs to apoligize but sometimes the feeling of being sorry takes a while to come for little kids. As he gets older you can teach him more about humility just by talking about it and through example. Just don't make it a big deal and say things that make him feel bad about his lack of humility. I really believe it is a maturity issue. God bless you!!!

Our son was much the same way at that age, still is to some extent. The root of the problem was my son's shyness. I don't think it has anything to do with humility, that's not something most kids that age even have a true understanding of.

This is something that takes a lifetime to teach. We are also a Christian family. I have two adult stepsons and three of children still at home from 14 to 3. I am also a teacher -3rd grade for years and now 5th at a Christian school.

At 5 it is difficult for a child to see himself as doing something wrong. I have had third graders who have hurt their friend by ACCIDENT and still can't or are slow to apologize. In the case of an accident you would think it would be easy because when it's an accident we really feel sorry. If we hurt someone on purpose we actually may not be sorry! I always wonder if we are doing the right thing insisting children apologize before they actually feel sorry. I try to take time to help them understand why they should feel sorry for each individual circumstance or offense, what it means to be sorry (they always need a reminder, esp. at 5), and then talk to them about how to show that they are sorry - saying it included. It is important to realize though that when we say sorry, we are still in control. When we say, "Can you forgive me?" We are giving the power to the person we offended. They can forgive us or not. I feel it is more important to ask for forgiveness- giving the power over to the other person. Asking for forgiveness implies sorrow and this is what we are to ask of our Savior when we sin against Him. I also ask the children to seek God's forgiveness and mercy first, then they have strength and power through Him to seek it from the person they hurt.

Remember, this is a life long goal. Some children find it easier than others. It sounds like your son has a streak of stubborn. Take it slow and easy. Remind him what Jesus did on the cross. There are lots of books and movies in the Christian bookstore to help give the message your son needs to recieve.

Here's the hard question:
Also, does your son see you, your husband, and your adult son say sorry and show humility?

Don't allow your son to play with the neighbor or go to their home until the apology has been taken care of. Please don't refer to him as a sinner and that children are born sinners or he'll continue with the bad behavior thinking that's what he is...very confusing for 5 year old children. Original sin is very different from the things kids do to test you or anyone else to see what they can get away with.

Hello H.,
I would urge you to not strike your son under any circumstances. Being a woman who was repeatedly spanked as a child, I can tell you that it doesn't work. All it did was make me angry and more rebellious.
Its interesting to me that you say that your son lacks humility. I think this is totally age appropriate behavior. I'm happy to hear that you praised him for telling you that he took the fan. Praising is always a great tool with children.
In this situation I would have praised him for telling me he took the fan and then asked him why he took it. Was he too shy or embarassed to ask to borrow it? I have taken things from my aunts when I was small because I looked up to them, but found it just too difficult to ask them to borrow the item out of fear that they wouldn't have let me. Then I would have said that we have to go over and ask if we can borrow it. And explain to him that these are the rules of life. Also, I would be super compassionate and say things like, "We have to ask when we want to borrow something so that the person knows where it is if they need it." And then maybe- "How would you feel if someone took your (favorite toy) without asking?" It would make you mad and sad, wouldn't it? "Because you might be looking for it and you would think it was lost".
I know you mentioned about your own humility. You might want to look into times and places when your son was with you and you had to practice it. How you model the behavior is very important for him to see. If you view humility as shameful or embarassing, then he will too. But if you just apologize and move on with a sort of- I'm human, I make mistakes attitude- he'll see that and maybe his view of apologizing will change.
My son can be extremely oppositional and these are things that we do to help him get through situations like these. And if he gets upset and screams and yells its ok- he's allowed to feel his feelings and be upset, but he also has to learn how the world works- and clean up any mess when he's done. :) I hope that helps.
blessings,
J.

People saying sorry doesn't make them so and not saying it doesn't mean they aren't. Forcing kids to say the words without regard to whether they mean it or not basically just teaches them insincerity and how to stay out of trouble- you can't make someone feel sorry. That comes from within and is cultivated through talking about feelings, honoring their gradual development of empathy and modeling sincere apologies yourself.

Regarding modeling: modeling appropriate behavior by apologizing when you do something you regret is great, but infinitely more important and powerful is what you model in your treatment of *him* in your attempts to guide and facilitate his behavior. Do you model grace, love and understanding toward your beloved child or forced obedience and punishment toward a "little sinner"? Which sounds and feels more like Jesus to you?

I used to have a similarly confused understanding of what so-called Christian parenting was. Fortunately I found the website Gentle Christian Mothers (gentlechristianmothers.com) and the information there not only transformed my relationship with my son, but with God as well. I urge you to check it out.

You have some wonderful caring responses here. I'm glad mothers have this resource to help and be helped. I am a therapist and fully support much of what is said here. Take some time to present this lesson lovingly. The time spent now will pay off big in the future. Drawing and roleplay (even with toys) are great suggestions to help him desensitize to the fear he is likely feeling about apologizing. Help him talk about the feelings (anger, sad, hurt, fear, regret). Modeling sincere apologies on a regular basis at home is ideal. I agree that just saying I'm sorry may not have him really understand and make it an empty action rather than a learning opportunity. If possible go to him with curiosity to better understand what was going on in his mind when he took the toy and what goes on in his mind when he thinks about apologizing. In my work I have seen how the words we use as parents can be "heard" by children differently than we intended. Be sure he gets the message that "I did something wrong or bad" NOT "I am wrong or bad". Keep his innate goodness (God made us in his likeness) in mind in all correction so he does not move to feeling like Jesus could never love such a child. You might try asking him if Jesus would want him to apologize, or would apologize if He did something wrong. Then ask him where in his body he most feels his loving connection with Jesus. Ask where in his body he most feels the "not wnating to apologize". Then have him breathe the Jesus love to the wounded place in his body to help him forgive hinself so he can ask forgiveness of another. Patience and loving manner are important.

It's developmentally normal.

If it turns out that your child is the stubborn type (as he gets older, I think 5 is too young to tell), turning everything into a giant conflict is just going to be counterproductive and tiring for all of you.

There was a story I read in Guideposts about 20 years ago, but it stayed with me. It was called "let your knots hang loose." It was about when you have a tangled necklace and you yank on the chain, the knots just become impossible to untangle. When you relax your grip, the knots unravel almost on their own. Some problems in life are like that too and a more indirect approach is called for rather than forcing the issue right at that moment. Pick your battles, and set your kids up for success - don't try to catch them being bad but give them lots of opportunities to be good. And don't take everything so personally. Every person, even when they're five, is on their own journey. Not everything your kids do is in relationship to you or trying to be defiant of you - sometimes they are just dealing with internal struggles we are only dimly aware of as parents.