How to Balance Extended Family with Our Family Time with Dh's Homecoming

I am very interested in your question. While I have not been in your shoes, I will be in a matter of months. When my husband returns from his deployment we will have a brand new baby at home, and our son will be 19 months old. All of our family lives in the same town, so sometimes it is hard to escape from them. I want our family to come first, and allow my husband to connect/reconnect with our kids without having to fight for his attention among everyone else and I don't think it is too much to ask.

The only advice I have right now is to let everyone see him outside the house. Go out for dinner, go visiting etc. That way once he has had a few minutes to visit, you can decided it's time to go home and you don't have to wait for people to leave your house. Or, as someone else suggested, dedicate a day to celebrate the graduation. Let people come and go all day to see your daughter and your husband, and once the day is over you can let everyone know you guys want to be by yourself for a few days.

Like I said, I haven't been there. Good luck and let me know how it turns out. Thank you, and your thank you to your husband. His service is greatly appreciated by so many of us.

We just did this in Sept. While I love my in-laws they can be very controlling and often take over, they did this with his leave. But lucky for us, when it came to this, his parents and I agreed. His siblings were a different matter. I too wanted to be selfish. I talked to my husband to see what he wanted, after all he was the one that had been gone all this time. I had decided that since he was the one that was absent, we would do what he wanted. My husband came home on a Wed. our son's b-day. We decided, even his parents, that anyone could come with us to meet him off the plane. The rest of that day, and through the weekend was for me and the kids. No one even asked about coming over for our son's b-day, my husband's parents made it very clear to his family that we were to be left alone. The weekend came, everyone got together, then they all pretty much left us alone for awhile.

Of course, alot of this was my husband's doing. In order to keep me from looking like a bad guy, and to make sure he got what he wanted, he had told his family ahead of time that he didn't want anyone bugging him. He wanted to be alone with us, his family. And he wanted to see and get to know his kids, who had grown a year and a half in his absence. My husband wanted to put a sign on the door telling everyone to leave him alone. While he didn't do that, he did make it very clear that h didn't want to be bothered.

Talk to your husband, see what he wants. The two of you communicate and comprimise to make sure you both get what you want. And decide which one of you is going to tell everyone else, and enforce it.

I hope all goes well for you. Good luck.

C.,
I had that same problem when my husband was deployed to Iraq, he was coming home, and he is and was really close to his family. With respect to that, I talked with my in-laws, and found out what their expectations were when he got back, as well as telling them what I wanted- to have him all to ourselves for a while. They then told me they just wanted to at least see him home at the airport and we compromised. The first day he got back, we spent at home, getting used to us being together again as a family, and we went and visited the extended family after that. I can understand wanting to be selfish with him, and I'm sure if you explain to your in-laws your feelings and that you do plan on setting a specific day aside for them to spend time with him, then things will work out. How does he feel and what does he want? You could always tell them it's in his best interest, because it really is. Also, from past experience, don't throw a surprise party, and as for the graduation, I'd be surprised if he wants to be in a large crowd for the 1st week when he gets back. Anything you can do for him to avoid stress for him makes the transition easier. Let me know how it goes!
Qandryel

I would make the 17yr.olds graduation into a family party and allow that entire day to the family and friends time, but respectfully tell them that there is a family that needs time with their husband/dad. I would do so very nicely and explain that his transition may require time to just relax. I would tell the family and friends that you love and respect their feelings and you don't want to hurt them in anyway, but that you don't know what to expect at this point and would like time to find out what his needs are before you worry about everyone else's. Allow them to see that it is for him not that you are being,for lack of a better word, selfish and I don't mean to imply that you are, because I don't at all!!!

I would have this talk with his mother first and go from there and see how it feels. I believe you are doing the right thing by thinking ahead. Good Luck, and thank you for your family's service to our country. Yes, I said FAMILY'S! God Bless you all.

Take as much of the 3 days as you can. Let the extended family know how you feel, I hope they will understand. If you can communicate with him, perhaps let him be the one to tell them, "hey, I want to spend time with my wife and kids". Still try to be patient with the moments you have to share him. Keep your head clear so you can draw him away with a happy smile when you catch a moment.

I completely agree with Wendy L. She is right on with how this can be handled in a kind way. I too think that if you frame it in the context that you would like to feel out what your husband NEEDS after what he has been through, the rest of the family should be on board with that. My main reason for responding is to thank you, your husband and your kids for the sacrifice you have made for our country. Your husband and all others serving in our military are heros in my family's eyes. And it takes a very strong woman to be married to a warrior. You have to be the rock at home for your kids while you are scared to death about your husband. I'm glad to hear your husband is coming home safe. Give him a big hug for all of us who support him.