How Often Do They See Grandma and Grandpa?

My dad sees the kids once or twice a month. I think they see their paternal grandparents at birthday parties and holidays only.

They can see then any time they want, they just have to call but that is kind of where it ends up.

My parents both died before my kids were born. My husband is sort of estranged from his dad, so the kids have only seen him once in the last few years. My mother-in-law lives near us and drops by for a visit about once a month. She works and has a very busy social life.

Well, I'm a grandma and I see my grandchildren several times/wk even when or I should say even more when my daughter is not working. Each grandchild stays overnight with me one night a week at different times. My grandson stays overnight with his other grandma one night a week during his Dad's parenting time.

I would be heart broke if I wasn't able to see my grandchildren often. Being with them isn't a competition between my daughter and myself. We see each other as friends who both love the children and want to spend time with them.

I can see how spending time on two separate days when they grandparents are 40 minutes away would feel more time consuming. Perhaps you could have her stay overnight and thus have an afternoon, night, and morning with them. You'll have more time to get things done. And.....what has helped with my daughter and her husband is that doing this allows them to spend some time together without the kids. The night my granddaughter spends here is also the night my grandson is with his Dad.

In reality do you spend all the time your daughter is with you with her or is she doing other things while you do your work? I suggest that you could schedule time for just the two of you to do things together and that would meet your need to spend more time with her without keeping her from being with her grandparents.

You do need to work this out so that all of you are in agreement. Try to understand your husband's and your in-laws reasons and feelings. There is a way for everyone to be happy if you are willing to compromise.

You are a real stay at home mom. You are still in charge of your children's well being. You are taking care of their home and even their needs when they are away from you. Letting them visit grandparents is providing for their well being. Try to look at motherhood in a wider, more encompassing way.

i think you have a problem i wish i had.

You have a lot of emotion coming through. Not all of it is good.

My kid's grandparents live down the street. We maybe see them once a week. Some weeks more, sometimes its two weeks.

From your post, it seems that you are resentful of the time they spend with your daughter. You don't think you are being a real stay at home mom because she is with them while you job search? She is with them so that you won't have to be home. You are blessed with two days to job search? When my hubby and I were out of work, I still sent both kids to the sitter down the street each day so that THEIR routine wasn't interupted. This allowed us 6 hours a day, 5 days a week to apply for jobs, set up interviews, etc.

As for your daughter starting a school program, I would change the menace behind your phrasing. Just tell them, that she will be starting a school program so she will only be able to come one day a week. Again, just state facts, without the feeling.

Is there a reason you don't want her to be there other than you want more time with her? Thinking that she spends "too much time" there isn't a reason, it's a feeling. Wanting her to have more time to play with kids her age - that's a reason. If you want to spend more time with her, that's fine. If you want to enroll her in something, that's also fine. But don't say, "you only get to spend....". That just sounds super confrontational. If her schedule needs to change, let them know her schedule is changing.

ADD: I'm not sure what you mean by using your daughter as a pawn. It sounds like you're implying that your husband does this. You also refer to your husband as overbearing. A better question might be "how do I make things better with my husband?" because if he is overbearing/using her as a pawn, or if you just think he is, something is off with THAT relationship and it needs to be worked on. It doesn't have anything to do with the grandparents - it's the parents that need to be focused on.

If GM & GP enjoy having her over, why should their time with her be curtailed because you are going to enroll her in a school program? Sometimes parenting is about deciding what is best for your daughter, not what is best for you.

Be careful not to ruffle feathers with the grandparents. Mine have proven invaluable in providing drop offs to daycare, and "aftercare" now that I am back to work.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I'm confused. Do you resent having to look for work? Job hunting is a full time job. It's researching companies, networking, and hand crafting a resume and cover letter for each employer. This consumes more than a few hours a couple times a week when done properly. My son's grandparents all live on the other side of the country, so he only sees them once or twice a year. I would be thrilled to be offered the help that you've got.

Wow. You are lucky. My Mother in law lives 5 minutes away and she spends one hour with two of my kids once a week. She doesn't ask for any more time and picks them up from school as her way of seeing them for 5 minutes a day. My Father-in-law lives up north and spends no time with my kids. My Mom and sister also live up north and never come to visit. So my kids don't have a great bond with their relatives. We are all they got.

It's nice that you want to spend more time with your daughter but unless the grandparents are mean, I say let them have as much time as they want with your daughter.

We live half a mile from my parents. My kids see them at least 2-3 times a week, usually just for an hour or two at a time, but sometimes longer. I LOVE having them so close. It's great to be able to call them in a pinch or when I just need to run a quick errand while the baby is sleeping.

My in-laws are about 15-20 minutes away. My kids spend probably 1-2 weekends a month with them; sometimes for one night, sometimes for two. Again, fantastic!

We moved to where we are specifically to be closer to family. I think it's great when kids can grow up with loving, involved grandparents.

My mother takes my 3.5 year old son 1 afternoon a week (he's usually home with my hubby Mon-Thurs) for a few hours. She also volunteers in my daughter's kindergarten class 1 afternoon a week then takes her to McDonalds and home from school. On Fridays, she picks her up at our house because hubby is at work and I cannot leave work that early.

We then spend 1 day with them on the weekend - usually Saturday lunchtime - dinnertime. Then Sunday we see them for church and lunch. (Hubby is working on the weekends).

They see his family usually 1-2x a month if we go to a family dinner or if his sister babysits them (1x a month we pay her). Not that they wouldn't help us out more, but I usually go to my parents first as my mom is retired and my MIL has two daughters at home still and FIL works nights.

Growing up in a military family, we did not have the benefit of seeing grandparents except maybe 1-2x a year. My mom is very excited to be such a big part of her grandchildren's lives (she will volunteer 1x a week in my son's preschool next year as well) and tries to help out where/when she can with school functions and anything else school/kid related. As they get older, we plan on having grandparents 'weekends' where they stay there and summer camp where they either go daily to their house for a week in the summer or spend the night for a week during the summer. I'm excited that they get to have that bond/connection and memories with my parents!

My daughter is 18. Her paternal grandparents are both dead. My mom and step dad and my dad are all a plane ticket away, same town. She sees them about once every 2 yrs maybe.

I grew up VERY close to my grandmother (both of them actually). I spent countless hours with my maternal grandmother and I was closer to her than my own mother.

While my mother was divorcing and making her new life, I was bonding with my grandmother and to this day, my mother is resentful of the bond I had with my grandmother and my favorite aunt.

My mom sees my brother's children, same town about twice a week and they sleepover with her often. She is much closer to his children because she is with them more.

My choice was to live a plane ticket away so I have no hard feelings.

My grandmother and I had a very special bond and it means the world to me. I am glad my mother never tried to stop me from spending time with her. It does not mean I love my mom less, it is just a different relationship.

Best wishes.

Wow, I bet a lot of SAHM would relish that much time to get other things done. I think you're really lucky, and would think about not only the grandparents, but also you're daughter. She may like having that time with grandma and grandpa and also need a break from mom :) Don't be too quick to make a decision, talk about it with your husband and the grandparents and see what they say as well. Remember kids grow up fast and grandparents don't get as much time as we do with our kids. My husbands parents literally live 5 mins away and don't see our kids but maybe twice a month. My mom lives in the same condo complex and has them overnight at least every other week and probably sees them at least once or twice a week in addition to that, which I think is great.

They spend quite a few days with my MIL and sometimes spend the weekend with her. Sometimes all 4 of the younger ones at once and sometimes only one or two at a time. Some days she'll have one of them, then the next day 2 of them.

Whatever works, she likes having them and they like going over. I can remember spending more time with my grandma then my mom sometimes, because I liked being there and now that she has passed I am very thankful that my mom was okay with it. Hence why I am okay with it for my own children.

It was this way even for my older kids (I have 8 the oldest is 21 and the youngest is 3). I've always been a SAHM, but that doesn't mean my kids have to be around me everyday of the week. Even with all the hours my kids spend at my MIL's I see them more then she does. I could never and would never limit her involvement (unless she was a danger to them) because 'they are my kids'.

As long as she is able to be involved, is as long as I will allow it. I think grandparents are as vital as parents are. Each set brings a different world view to our kids. they are the link to our past and our heritage. Then way day they are gone and we fill that role for our own children's children. It's a circle.

Honestly, my oldest child spent a day or two (a full day, not a few hours) with my parents each week while they lived her. The day after her third birthday, they retired and moved across country (couldn't take any more MN winters), and we miss them terribly.

Now, my children only get to see them twice a year when they come to visit, for about 7-10 days. My youngest child has NEVER had the benefit of spending a day with them, and she's almost three. She will never develop the bond that my first child has with them.

If it's for a school program, that's one thing, but don't deprive them of their special time together. Of COURSE you are the primary caregiver. You shouldn't feel guilty about fostering a wonderful relationship. Count yourself lucky. I miss my parents a lot and I wish they were still here to take my children even ONCE a week...not for me, but for the children.

My kids haven't seen their maternal grandparents in over two years...and that was because there was a wedding.

My kids saw their paternal grandparents in April 2012 at our vow renewal. My in laws come and visit once a year (or at least try to).

You should be happy that you have people that love her so much and want to spend time with her. My kids have that, but they're not related. My family doesn't seem to give a rat's bottom about my kids (or me or hubby for that matter). My in laws care so much about my children, but sadly live so far away. We have created an adoptive family here in Texas that care for our children as much as we do. We know that if something were to ever happen to my husband or I, we have so many friends that would surround our children with love.

I understand if you want your daughter to start this school program so she can be with other kids, but make sure it's for that reason and not because you don't want your daughter at your in laws.

I lived with mine full time 3 months a year (summer vacation). Navy family, we'd all fly back with my mum and stay at my grand parts from school out until school in.

My son's schedule with MY parents has changed a lot over the years.

10 hours a week while I was first in school (5 hours 2 days a week, or two hours 5 days a week).

Then Mondays from breakfast to bedtime while I was working.

Then 1 afternoon a week when we were homeschooling

Then 1 weekend a month while I was writing (I can do about 100p in a weekend that's totally empty).

Now its 2 days a week every OTHER week afterschool to dinner.

IF I get this job Im trying for... They'll either have him every morning before school, or every evening after 7 (depending on which shift I get). If not, then it will depend on my school schedule.
_____

My son is extremely close with my parents.
I was extremely close with my grandparents.

2 radically different childhoods.

Kind of hard to relate here, I guess. When my kids were little, I worked hard to get them to the grandparents, while working full time and having full time daycare. When we moved 14 hours away, I would drive home with the kids to see them, often, even though I hated the drive. I felt that it was very important to give my kids lifelong memories of their grandparents. (And of course, the opportunity for them to be with my kids.) Living overseas, we came home to see the folks instead of going on another type of vacation, and those were expensive trips.

My kids are mostly grown and I still take them to see their grandparents. The day will come when the grandparents will no longer be with us and then, there will be nothing BUT memories.

I understand you wanting her to be with other children in a school-type atmosphere, and that's a good thing. I also understand you wanting to spend time with her. However, I don't really think that's the real reason you want this. It seems to me that this is more about asserting your authority over your husband and his family.

Unless your inlaws cause trouble with your daughter, don't take care of her well, or teach her bad things, they are family that mean a lot to her. She will be fine only seeing them once a week - that's not the problem. The problem is that you are jealous of their time together, and you really shouldn't be. (You asked for our thoughts - those are mine.) A few hours twice a week, as you have said, is not too much time to make memories that will last a lifetime.

Dawn

No where near enough. My husband's mom lives in Mexico so none of my kids have ever met her and speaking to her is limited since they really are not fluent in spanish. My parents are here but it is hard to go visit. My dad is in a nursing home and we have not been able to visit since last May. Since my van was stolen in Dec, I don't really have a way to get them there. But we did spend Christmas with my mom.

When my older kisd were little, we were there every other weekend.

My kids see my in-laws twice a year. We always go out to see them in Arizona over winter break and then they come here once a year for about 3 or 4 days. Yes, 3 or 4 days. Also, in that time they spend time with their friends. Keep in mind that they are retired and go to Aruba for 3 weeks in November and also go away in June for a month. Can you tell that I am a little bitter? I’m not bitter because I want the break it is because I feel sorry for my kids.

My parents are only about 45 minutes away and we do see them quite often. However, they rarely just take them to spend time with just them. They stay the night there only a couple of times a year.

I know that you miss your kids, but let them spend time with their grandparents if possible. I wish I had that problem. Lol

My parents live literally three minutes (not even a stoplight between our houses) away. We see them about twice a month on a good month...and maybe only one of those times do they interact with my kids. They never keep/babysit my kids. They are in their 60s, both run their own businesses, and have very very active social lives...they don't even get home most nights until after my kids are in bed.

Now my aunt and uncle (actually great aunt and uncle) live a few minutes away as well...and they see my kids two to three times a week. If we haven't been over to visit in a few days they call and ask us to come over. They have a play room for the kids and lots of cookies and treats. They like to listen to them about school and see their work. I feel they really are acting as the stand in grandparents for my parents. They would love to keep my kids/babysit...even over night, but they are in their 80s, so it isn't always very practical unless they are both home...so sometimes for a few hours I might leave them, but not very often. I am there for our visits and get a few treats as well.

All our other family lives thousands of miles away.

I am glad you have active and interested grandparents...I had two sets of active and interested grandparents...I never spent a Friday night at home that I can remember in elementary school...I was always over at their house. I love love love those memories of my grandparents!!

You can do what you want to do...but if they are good people who love your daughter and take good care of her...I would let her have some awesome memories of them. And one day a week would be enough for that...

I definitely can relate to wanting to spend more time your child and feeling selfish, I too have felt that way. This happened when my son was at his previous school and Grandma would just show up once school was out.. She did this to visit with him ... At first I was taken back and thought, now wait.. this is MY time with my son , I am his mom after all.. Then, once I took a step back I got to thinking... I will still be his mom and nothing will change that.. Also, my son loves his grandmother so much and vice versa... Why not allow him to have such valuable time with her, not to mention, she is the one providing all the details about the "old country" which my son LOVES to hear about... It's tough at first, but consider your daughter... does she love being with grandma?Not every child is so blessed as to have their grandparents around... In my opinion, it's so important that kids be around their elders.. that is time and love you just can't ever get back or enough of..

I read your Update:
Okay... you have to deal with your Hubby about this "problem." Since you said he is so overbearing and controlling.
Put down your foot.
He can't be a Mama's boy, forever. And then try to control your child as though she is a "pawn."
-------------------------------

I think the issue here is maybe, that your Husband wants your daughter to spend more time with them or all of her time with them??????
Or that, his parents are TELLING him, that THEY want more time with her... and he may not be telling you that. Therefore, he is "hinting" that they would take her more often. Or that... he wants your daughter to be with them more, so that he has more time sans child and more time with you???
But as it is, you both seem to have lots of time for yourselves. Some parents don't even get, 2 days a week for a few hours... sans their child to do what they want.

With them taking her you have more time for yourself, and/or with your Husband. And you have that.

Then, does your daughter see your, parents??? Or are they nearby? Your daughter can spend time with them too.

Fortunately, your In-Laws do not mind... babysitting your daughter. Some grandparents, do not, or cannot, due to their age or health issues.
So at least you have a set of Grandparents, that can watch your daughter and want to.

Then, your Husband does not HAVE TO "please" his parents and what they want, per letting them have your child over there.
I mean, he is married now and not a "child" who has to please their parents.

You are the Mom and you have a right to see your daughter and not take her over there. Fine. But, it should not be resentful if your daughter is at your in-laws. They have willingly babysat for you. So that you can do your own stuff. That's nice, right?

AND going to Preschool is normal. And fine. And at a certain age, a child needs to go to Preschool and they learn a lot there and get social interaction with kids their own age. It is, beneficial. But Preschool should not be a thing that is used against the Grandparents per visits or babysitting.
It is something, that most kids do do... at a certain age. And it will help the child get ready for Kindergarten. I am a SAHM and both my kids went to Preschool.

You say yourself, that you are lucky to have 2 days a week to yourself. Because your In-Laws willingly babysit your daughter.
But then you don't want your daughter to spend too much time with them???
What is the jealousy?
Or, do your in-laws disregard you as a Mom and disrespect you and your wishes/rules for your daughter?
If that is the case, then you have to make sure that problem is solved and that your Husband, backs YOU up.
Because the other problem is, it seems your Husband rather please his parents, than you?
Or does your daughter seem to really love being around her Grandparents and that makes you feel "jealous?"
You are her Mom. That will always be.

A child or grandchild, is not an "object" to toggle back and forth or an object to "please" someone else.
Your Husband, needs to do what is according to you and he. Not only about his parents and what they want with your child.

My kids, have no Grandpas. They are dead. My kids have a Grandma (my Mom who lives here), and their other Grandma lives abroad. So they don't see her and she will not, ever, come to visit us. Even if she could have. She won't. She is selfish. She only wants us... to take our kids to her. And she has LOTS of grandkids already, where she lives. My Mom only has my 2 kids as grandchildren. But still, my Mom doesn't want to... "babysit" a lot nor even sporadically. Only seldom, will she.

So there are many scenarios to this, conundrum.

No matter what, a child or grandchild should not be an object to compete over.
And you are the Mom. What you say, goes.
If the Grandparents are the type that takes over and are overbearing, then you need to talk to Hubby about that, too.
But if they are nice normal respectful grandparents, then they should understand the changes in schedules, of your daughter and her going to Preschool.
There should be no competition about that or how much the in-laws see her or not.

My mom lives 10 minutes away and she sees them maybe once every two weeks. Usually only for about an hour at my house 100% supervised by either me or my husband. She's totally self absorbed and only sees them so she can go to work and say she spent the weekend with the grandkids to her co-workers. She also does some other things that would make us never leave the kids alone with her. She is almost 70 years old.
My in-laws are amazing but live several hours away. If we did live closer I guess we would see them more often but not enough to set up some sort of regular babysitting. My sister in-laws live super close to them but I know they don't see them more than once a week and only on a drop-in basis. They are also super close to their parents.
I think it's great that you are able to utilize your in-laws so you can focus on your job search. It's wonderful that they are able to help out like that. But if you are uncomfortable with it then it's time to put your foot down and speak up.

My parents are involved with my kids quite a bit and I love it. I would welcome my husbands parents to be involved too.

My mom use to live around 35 minutes away and my husband and I work full time so she used to take them 2 days a week, but most times would take them the night before. They are both in school full time now, so she still has them 2 days but for only a couple hours then we eat together on those nights.

My In-Laws only take them when we ask for them to be watched or for them to help out.

My dad LOVES my kids and actually if it works out that he doesn't see them for more than 4 days gets antsy to see them again. My kids adore their grandparents too! I wouldn't have it any other way!

Well, we currently live 11+ hours away from my daughters' grandparents, but I can give experience from when I was a kid.

We saw my mom's parents once every two weeks when they came down to visit us on Friday evenings. They lived about 40 minutes away. They probably would have come every week, but they split weekends between our family and the only other family that didn't still live in the same town that they did.

We saw my dad's parents once every week. They lived about 25 minutes away from us, but only about 5 minutes from where we went to church, so we always stopped by after Mass.

i think it's wonderful that your daughter has had so much precious one-on-two time with your in-laws. it's not a matter of selfishness. you're her mom and that's a relationship that won't change. but so many kids get little or no time with their grandparents, and for most kids all the time they DO get is with their parents present. the dynamic changes when the children are there with them alone. it's so wonderful.
it sounds as if there's a little jealousy going on, which is natural if you are letting her spend time with them that you'd prefer to have with her yourself. but since that time has been well spent, it's probably best to be generous about it. it definitely sounds as if the issue is more with your husband than his parents.
but clearly if you want and can spend more time with her, it's only natural that the in-laws will have their time reduced. once a week is still pretty wonderful.
my kids never got that much time with either of their sets of grandparents, which is a pity.
khairete
S.

Our daughter sees my MIL 5 days a week; she picks her up from school and she stays at her house until we get off work. My parents live 2 hours away and we see them every few months or so.

I think A LOT of grandparents would like to see their grandkids for a few hours, one day a week. Especially since you'd like to enroll your child in an educational program, I think that's a great compromise. To me. I'm sure grandma and grandpa will miss that extra day, though.

My parents live about 20 minutes from us. We see them about once a month at family get togethers. They don't ever just "take" the kids for fun.
I am not quite sure why, they are not that old! My mom is only 55 and my dad is 57.
My kids love going to their grandparents house. When we see them they have a great time. My parents come to their soccer games and school functions, but we just don't make "play dates" at abue and buelo's house.
L.
(I can't imagine having my daughter at my parent's house twice a week! My boys are both in school. I wouldn't know what to do with myself!)

Realistically, since my ILs cannot babysit (health concerns) and my mom is too far away, maybe a couple of times a month DD sees someone. I used to see my maternal grands nearly every day b/c they watched us after school and for a long time we did Sunday dinner at their home.

I would simply let them all know that DD's schedule is changing so the new schedule will be 1 day a week. If you are struggling with changes in your own world, try to deal with those as their own issue.

Sorry - my kids haven't seen MY parents since July 2010...they live on the OTHER side of the country and flying a family of 4 across the States is NOT cheap. Yes, they are retired, however, they care for my 96 year old grandmother so it makes travel h*** o* them as well.

My husband's mother is dead. She died on Mother's Day 2006. His dad? While he only lives 8 hours away - hasn't seen them since October 2011. I REFUSE to go to his house - it's disgusting. Yes, we could stay at a hotel - but what a pain in the rear!!!

I WISH we lived close enough to even have to consider "cutting back" to one day a week!!

I would cut back too....you need time with her as well!

My kids' grandparents live 5 hours away. So, they only see them when somebody travels. A few times a year.

Well, it's a little different in my case, seeing as my grandma lived literally about a football field away, so I was there a LOT! Now, I just had a child, he's 6 weeks old, and since he was born, his grandparents have visited us a lot and he's been over there EVERY weekend! This is mostly b/c my husband and I are in need of their help financially (I didn't get paid maternity leave), so we go there every Sunday to pick up money...not the only reason, except now I believe if we stop going every weekend, they will think we only used them. Still, I know that grandma asked me even while I was pregnant how many days of the week she could see him, lol.

I can see where you are coming from, b/c I don't want my child growing up spending half his time there...mainly b/c I know she would do everything opposite of what my wishes were for him.

Your husband should realize that grandparents don't need to see their grandchild all the time. In fact, he should be happy to have them home more too. I totally know how it is...my husband wants to please his parents too. It's frustrating, but he should be by your side, not theirs. He needs to break that tie with them b/c he should be supporting you more than them.

my kids see their grandma and grandpa almost every other day. every weekend they take one of the kids (they alternate between the two) out for the day. and once a month (usually on a saturday) they take both kids for the day and night so me and my fiance can spend the day together. sometimes i want to knock them over the head because they dont listen to what i want done.. but we sit down and talk and (usually) they see my point of view and try changing what they did the next time.. and when they think theyre right i have my fiance talk to them because hes their baby boy (the only boy) and they listen to him..