How Fair Am I Being?

Hi S.,
I'm 45 and have a 16 month old girl and 1 year old triplets. I was not ready to be a Mom in my 20's or early 30's. I'm on my 3rd and last marraige and went thru many years of fertility treatments. Never thought I would have to do that. Now in my 40's..I've done all the traveling and having fun that young peole do and I was so ready to have a child. I'm not selfish or sad because I have pretty much done it all and now I can concentrate on my children and what they need. I don't need to go out at night and party, but it's nice to go out once in a while. We do have someone who helps us out in the day so that we can go out and have lunch, do errands, and have a few hours to ourselves. We are so happy to be where we are. Wish we would have done it earlier, but it is good now.
Good luck

I had my son when I was 40. I can say I was much more ready for him and had my daughter at 36 going on 37. Why would it be unfair to the child?? I mean women in their early forties are having babies a lot more frequently. If you are in good health and you have discussed it with your OBGYN and it is TRULY what YOU want then go for it! If it is something you are doing to please someone else then I would really sit down and put a lot more thought into it.

It is a big committment as you know and if your youngest is 9 then basically in 10 years you will have kids out of your house. You said "new man" so if it is new why would you even consider having a baby with him right now? If you are not married to this man or plan to be and have a child and something breaks up te relationship, then are you prepared to having a child at home to raise as a single mom again?

I say you settle in to the relationship and see where it leads and if he is "I want a baby or no more dating you", then I would nicely open the door for him and walk him out of it.

I don't think you're focusing on the most important issue here. You are newly separated (you didn't say divorced), and you have 2 children already, one of which is a little more work than the other. Of course, I don't know the reason for separation, but don't you think you have already turned your kids' lives upside down enough? They now have to VISIT their dad instead of having a safe intact home with both of their parents, and now you want to bring some new guy (yes, I see you have known him a while, but he is still a new guy in your home, not their dad) into this mess you have already created, and you want to add another baby to it. WHAT? In my opinion, which is very strong, you ought not be dating at all until your children are up and out of your home. You really should be focusing on raising your children, not what makes you or some other guy feel good. Think about it, you start a new family with this guy, and pretty much force your kids to deal with it when they probably only want their mom and dad back together, and all your attention will be focused on your new stud and the baby, not your children you have now. What a crummy thing to do to your children. Excuse my emotion about this, and I'm sure it will get me lots of nasty personal messages, but I don't think you have any right to put this kind of thing on your children. I'm sure they have been through enough drama that they don't need more. You really should be thinking about them.

S.
I think all the advice in the world will not help in this decision. This is truly based on your maternal instincts and what you are feeling with this relationship and with yourself at the time you are deciding on whether to get pregnant. In fact the more advice you receive the harder it may be to make a decision. Go with what you and your new partner feel is right, and what you want to do.....and that will be the right answer. Your other two children will be just fine either way.

I was 35 when I had my last baby. My other children were 8, 10, and 12. As far as the pregnancy, everything seemed pretty much like the others. My kids adore their little sister and go out of their way to spend time with her. (She is now almost 9 and the only other one left at home is graduating high school.)

The hardest part for our family seems to be that she has a hard time accepting being a kid. She resents having to go to bed on time and other things like that that single her out as being "little". She wants to be "equal" with her now grown siblings.

I'm the youngest of three and my mom was your age when she had me - my sisters are 11 and 13 years older than me. I think that I got somewhat lucky - my parents were better off financially when they had me so I got to experience things my sisters didn't. Plus I always had people I trusted to turn to for advice when I needed it - since my sisters had already gone through the sorts of situations I faced (that we all faced) when growing up. My mom's pregnancy was higher risk b/c of her age, but they alo didn't have the same medicinal advances that we are blessed with today. Hope my viewpoint helps a little - I don't think you would be unfair to the new child as long as you love him/her and do what you can to help him/her have a great life with loving and supportive parents!

Wow, some harsh advice and judgments out there... What is good for one is not always good for another.

S., if you want to have a child with your new man, everyone will be just fine. I have a daughter from my previous marriage, age 12, and I also have a 20-month old with my current husband and one more on the way. I'll be 37 this year and life is great. I really did my research on potential sibling problems in blended families and we did everything we could to make sure those problems didn't exist. Open communication is important. Asking the older children about their opinions and feelings can really give you a feel for whether this is the right thing to do for your family.

I can't say that having babies this time around was easier because the older you are, the harder it is to bounce back from the lack of sleep! But I can say that I made decisions based on experience and a little bit of hard-earned wisdom. That in itself was very rewarding.

I would strongly suggest that you do NOT have another baby. Your two boys need your full attention now that you have separated from your husband because their world has been torn apart. It would probably be best if you didn't even date until your younger child is 18 and on his own. Raising the kids you have should be your main concern, rather than bringing a new sibling into their lives with your new man.

I'm confused...is he just letting you know he would like to become a father in the next year or so to let you know what he hopes and expects in his future? Or is he asking you to get pregnant in the next year or so, married or not. If he is asking this of you right now without being married plus he's a new person in your life, then yes, definitely unfair to your children.