How Do You Deal with a 5 Yr. Old That Just Won't Listen?!

Hi C.!
Time outs work, but you have to be consistent. Give one warning, if she does it again, time out, no questions asked. One minute each year. Even in the middle of dinner. You don't have to yell. I worked in a preschool for 4 years and was the disciplinarian, other teachers would send their kids that weren't listening to see me! I never raised my voice, but said what I meant, and meant what I said, and the kids knew this. Good luck,
L.

Try the positive approach instead of the negative. Thank her and praise her for doing the things right. Such as putting her in the chair and say thank you for sitting in the chair the right way. Thanks for not steppping on the toys. This really works. Praise not punishment

Hi Christie, we must have the same child! Dealing with the same thing here-unfortunetly. Its so frustrating! This might sound crazy, but its working for me(for now) I sat down with my kids(3&5)and told them THEY had to tell me "the rules" of the house. I wrote down(on a poster board with neon print)every rule. I have 2 jars on my counter with their names on them and every time they are good, (good at dinner, do what i tell them, pick up toys, etc) we put $$ in the jar so at the end of the week they get to pick out a treat at the store(dollar store). If they are bad...I refer back to the list(that they made) & take $$ out of their jar. It seems to be working and my house is much calmer because I don't yell any more...I just walk to the list, point to whatever(they obviously cant read) & say "#3 says no fresh mouth...I'm taking $ out" My hubby & I have been very consistant with this and its making a difference. Good luck Christie :)

In terms of obedience, have you tried tokens (we use a set of poker chips I got at Target for $1). For doing good listening, he gets a token. Then he can earn them (three for a half-hour tv show). They also get taken away for bad behavior.

Something a friend recommended to me also seems to work. If we are leaving the house rather than repeatedly saying "Get on your coats," etc. - I say "I have my shoes on," "I have my jacket on" - it motivates far better, I find.

When my 4 1/2 year old is not making eye contact, I know he's not listening/"processing" what I say. We make a game out of getting him to listen - I say his name, and he has to say "Yes Mommy" - and when he does not, I say, oh, I tricked you. We have good giggles over it, but it is all about getting him to respond.

When I find myself yelling all the time (we all get there...) I sit down with my son and tell him I don't want to yell or be a mean mommy - and that he is making me be mean. I ask if he will be nice (do good listening) so that I can be nice too.

Good luck.

Hi C.,
I am dealing with the exact same thing with my 5 yr old boy (and mimicking 2 yr old). We've done all the same things you have. We recently started a parenting workshop offered through his preschool. We've only had one class but it made me realized I was stuck in a rut of having negative expectations for him - figuring he was always going to do or say something bad, waiting for the next explosion of emotion, etc. I've been refocusing my energy on the positive and we have created a good behavior chart (he earns .10 for each sticker and at the end of the week he can take that $ to the dollar store and spend as he wishes) - he's pretty excited about it too. To start it out, I am breaking it down to 1/2 hour segments of recognizing good behavior and pointing it out to him and giving him a sticker - time increments will increase as we go on). We did this a few years ago when we had similar issues and it worked. It's so hard to stay consistent and focused but I truly believe that is what I need to do. Good luck to you!

Hi C.,
I have a 5 yr old girl as well and she is just strong minded....gets that from her mom:) and just think that is one of her good traits....now to shape that and have faith that all this stregnth is going to be an asset some day but we just have to get through this...try giving her lots of choices (very hard when we just want them to listen) also check out loveandlogic.com it is a lifesaver and will help you to get back some of the control and will also help you to see where you are going wrong, the hard part is taking a look at yourself but the good part is that you and she will gain control over yourselves and start to create some boundries for yourselves and that is the next thing your going to need as she gets older. Hard work but worth every minute of it. Good luck and take good care of yourself first and enjoy her now, this, believe it or not are the best times of our lives:) Check out ____@____.com for a love and logic facilatator that is amazing! love her!! such a great support person.
Hugs,
C.

I had this problem with both of my children who are know 9 and 6. I watched "Super Nanny" and they have this really good tip that they use an aweful lot. When your child is doing something that they are not supposed to, REDIRECT THEM or GIVE THEM OPTIONS. These are best pieces of advise I ever got. For example, your child is turning in his/her seat at the dinner table. You can tell him/her if she would like to continue eating dinner at the table she has to stop. If not, she can eat standing up or sitting on the floor by herself-it's her choice. When they hear 'it's their choice' they feel somewhat in control. Another...If your child is bouncing a ball in the house, tell her that it is not safe to do that and play roll the ball. When you take something away from a child or demand them to do something you have to show them what is okay to do. You can't just say to them they can't do that, but tell them what they can do. It may not work all the time, but you will see you argue and scream less. Good luck!

Having a defiant child is no fun, especially when danger and safety is involved. This is not something that is your fault either.....
Have you taken all of her toys away???
One of the reasons this has not stopped is because she is getting negative attention from you and lots of it.
You need to instill in your day 123 timeout. Now this might take a while to do with her but start small and increase the timeouts if she is still not listening to you the 1st time add 5 minutes to it with the kitchen timer on the 2nd time and add another 5 minutes the 3rd time. i found that sending my daughter to her room was too stimulating there was just too much stuff there.... you need to find a good spot thats no fun, not in sight of the tv, or find her a nice quiet corner to sit in.
You will probably need to do this a good month before you see any results but make sure your spouse is on the same page with you or it really will not work.
I would also start documenting her behaviors and what she is doing each time her safety is an issue, this is something you should bring up to your pedia doctor soon.
good luck to you

Try Parenting with Love and Logic, by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
They claim it puts the fun back into parenting. There is a web site too loveandlogic.com Great ideas and strategies. I am using it right now and like it a lot.
Be consistent. Be compassionate. FOLLOW THROUGH on consequences!
good Luck!
Mom of 4 ages 11, 9, 5 and 3

I have a daughter with down syndrome who would act out in school. The psychologist that worked with her made suggestions regarding this. He says behaviors happen for a reason. There is usually a trigger of some sort. Look at what is really happening during these times. You say she can be good sometimes but not others. Kids like attention no matter if it is positive or negative. My daughter is a comedian. She would do a lot of things because it made people laugh. His suggestion was to catch my daughter being good. it is not that they do not know proper and safe behavior. They are trying to achieve a certain reaction. It could be jealousy that you have the one-year old. I don't know. My daughter could be laying on the floor, but she wasn't kicking the chairs. Good girl, you're keeping your feet to yourself. His approach was to switch the mood around by finding something positive, kind of change the subject. Focus on the good and not the bad.

I don't know if this will help you or not, but you can try.

I didnt know it before but when I started asking around alot of people said the same thing "The odd numbered ages are the WORST" My kids go through stages. It seems like the ages of 1,3,5,and 7 have been rough for me and my kids. I have an 8 year old who just all of a sudden stopped the defiance and fights and is now calmer and listens quite well once she had her birthday. Same thing with my 6 year old. About a week before her 6th birthday she stopped acting out. I dont know what happend. I highly doubt it was anything I did or didnt do. Something just clicks. When they go through their stages I try to keep as consistant with punishments and warnings as I can. I stick to it even if I feel like they are CONSTANTLY being punished. I used alot of positive praise and rewards. It seemed like the rewards only worked in the short term though. I tried to figure out if they were just bored and thats why they were misbehaving. Found out that was not the reason(even on the days that were jam packed full of fun, they still didnt listen) I guess I am not much help to you excpet to know that your not alone. You just have to keep as calm as you can,be consistant and make it through. It will eventually get better as long as you are consistant with positive and negitive discipline. Then you can be happy for a year and prepare for the next "phase" of defiance hehe Good luck.

I have 3 kids and when my oldest start acting up like your daughter did i tryed everything to but what i found was most effective was telling him if he didnt listen to me than i wasnt going to listen to him.. so when he was not listening and then when he wanted me to do something i wouldnt listen he would freak out for a few minutes then i would calm him down and explain to him that he needed to listen and then he got it

hi C. this too will blow over Seems like she is looking for attention and even negitive attention will do. stick to your resolve and put her in time out each and everytime she doesnt listen, remind her there are repercusions for bad behavior and rewards for good, have a "toy box" with stickers and little misc. dollar store items for reward she can go to the "prize box" if she is responding correctly. and keep up the praise when she is listening sometimes 5 yr olds day dream and thier attention span is 8 minutes so just persevere. lol

Hi C.,
I'm going to suggest two books that have helped me with our four children so far 1-2-3-magic and children are from heaven by john gray ( he wrote men are from venus women are from mars). John gray book is wonderful. both books really turned our family life around.YOur daugther sounds like is trying to get your attention even if it is negative attention..... K.

It looks like you've gotten a lot of advice. Whatever approach you decide to take be consistent. Children need consistency. You'll confuse her otherwise.

Children want our attention be it positive or negative. As parents we are so busy that we sometimes fail to notice when our children are acting appropriately or doing what we want them to do (i.e. playing nicely, doing things when told/asked to, etc). Praise your daughter when she does "good". Verbal praise can be great. When she sees that she's getting the attention for good behaviors, some of the not so good behaviors should start to diminish.

Good luck!

Wow, I feel like I am reading about myself. I am dealing with the exact same issue with the same age children. I wish I could offer you advice - I have tried all the same things as you. I feel for you! I'd love if you could let me know whatever suggestions you are offered. Good luck! :)

There is a great book by a woman named Ginger Plowman. It is called Don't Make Me Count to Three. I found it to be very good.

It is very clear that your little girl is testing you. I can remember when my oldest daughter was 5. That was a rough age for some reason. She was totaly a tester and I can remember pulling my hair out.

It sounds like she is craving attention even if your dividing it up between her and your son, girls tend to be more needy than boys and it sounds like she wants attention but in a negative way.

Try focusing on her positives instead of her negatives and use extra praise.When she is sitting nice at the table compliment her like saying" WOW, I like how your doing such a great job sitting there like a big girl.

I noticed that with my girls if I say dont do this or that to many times it just becomes ineffective.

Good luck.

Dear Mom
Have you read the book Strong Willed Child (?) if not you may want to get a copy of it could help you. One suggestion be a persay hands on mom the yelling at her to stop doing is not working when she is going down the stairs backwards pick her up and redirect her and don't forget the padded area God gave us all and God's word does say to spare the rod is to spoil the child this might be that she just does not think you are going to do anything but yell. I will keep you and her in my prayers. God Bless You.
D.

How about trying a marble jar. You get a jar and make lines on it every two inches or so.
Every time your daughter does something good or appropriate without you asking her to do so she gets to put a marble in a jar. So if she sits through dinner without turning around in her chair, or goes down the stairs properly she put a marble in the jar. If she does something helpful for you she gets to put a marble in the jar. Once the marble reach the first line she gets a little treat. I think this will work.
Good luck, A.

I hear you - my boys are 5 and 4. About a year ago things had gotten so difficult that we instituted a "token economy" in which we "pay" the boys poker chips every night based on how their behavior was for the day (7 categories, 2 chips each). Then they need to "pay" us for all of their priveleges, from sweet snacks to TV time to trips to friends' houses etc. It sounds confusing and hard to institute, but we tried ALL the positive discipline stuff and using proactive language and being consistent with rules blah blah blah and were still left with a defiant and challenging 4 year old. Our experience was that within ONE WEEK things made a big turnaround. It was like he just needed that much specificity in knowing what the rules and consequences were. Email me if you need the name of the book we used, or if you want more info.

Oh boy, can I relate to your little people. I've got a 5yr old and almost 3yr old, girl and boy. I've found that there are days when she really needs to test the boundaries, as I like to put it. It's almost like she has to purposely defy me. Some times I do lose my cool and yell, but then I was introduced to a thing called Positive Discipline. Google it and you'll find all kinds of ways to handle them. Or not handle them. Sometimes you can actually ignore them and they eventually stop. But patience is key there so sometimes it's just not an option when you're already up to your eyeballs in the word "no". I've also tried talking to her about these things when she's being good and receptive. Then I can point it out to her as she's misbehaving and it's not so much of a battle. Hope this helps! Hang in there! It gets better!

Hi C.,

I feel for you. My son is 4 1/2 and doesn't listen quite a bit either. I've talked to a lot of my friends and apparantly this is pretty normal. In my case I've found that yelling does no good whatsoever. What I've been trying lately is a reward system. I made up a chart with a few things that he should do everyday such as get dressed, brush teeth, pick up toys. I also have a box for "no time outs". If he doesn't listen, he gets a warning that he will get a time out and no sticker for the day. Once the whole chart is filled with stickers he can get a reward. We'll probably go to Toys R Us and he can pick out something small. It's worked pretty good. He did very well with all categories except for picking up toys. He has a playroom so I don't get too stressed about that. If he won't pick up his toys - fine, but it'll be a long time until he gets a reward. He can also get a sticker removed from his chart too. So if he starts acting up, I warn him that he will lose a sticker and usually this works. I hope this helps.

Jen