How Do I Prove I'm Not a Bad Stepmom

Hi N.,
In my eyes, just your post proves you are a good stepmom. The fact that you said you hubby doesn't criticize the way you parent your other children, and that he's always afraid his daughter will want to go back to her mom, leads me to believe that he knows you're a good mom, and that his actions/criticism toward you are just an inappropriate response to his fear. Have you sat him down and explained to him how you feel when he says x, y, or z? And that you don't feel supported? That you consider his daughter yours as well, and that you feel you and he need to be united on your approach to parenting her? If you are keeping it to all "I" statements, that should ease some defensiveness on his part. Also, I'm sure it would be helpful to get some counseling together, as a couselor can be more objective and thus better heard, especially where there's resistance. There's no doubt about it -- stepfamilies can be tough, but it sounds like you are doing a great job. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you.

Hi N.,

Can you tell a little bit more about the situation? As far as, is your sd complaining about you to your husband?
Do you and her get along?
Is it coming from her or just him?
She is 14, so this is a tough age for a girl to be and also a tough age for a father to watch his daughter go through, she is growing maturing and stepping out into the world - so he may be confused and making this about you when it isn't, it's hard to tell without more info what the real problem is.

Step families can be tricky but here is what I think about them: forget the "step" you are her family. You are not her mom but you are there and you are a mother figure. Whenever we use labels like "step" it sets us up for trouble, because it sets the children apart. Who wants to always be introduced as a "step-daughter?" I wouldn't.. and I have, and I don't even know if you do this... but I just feel like families are so mixed and blended these days that we should get rid of the labels and just call eachother family. But anyway if you give some more info I might have some other suggestions.

For all of us, it is much easier to critique another person's actions or behaviors than it is to model the best behavior! It's much easier for your husband to find fault with what you do that to do it himself. Your SD is in those confusing teen years, and he may be worried about her going back to her mother, but he may also be worried about losing "control" of her in other ways too. Of course, the grass is always greener so Mom's place may look more appealing - and I agree with the other posts that judges will start listening to the child regardless of what the current legal arrangement is or what the mother signed over. I went through this roller coaster with my husband and 2 SDs some years back. If you can avoid the lawyers and the courts, do so! You have known this child for many years so you should have as much of a handle on her as any parent does - but the teen years are hard for all of us. When they have another "option" about where to live, it complicates things. That may be why there are no "complaints" about your parenting skills with the younger ones, or it could be that the oldest is, obviously, facing situations for the first time, which makes HIM insecure, whereas the issues facing the younger ones are easier to handle and not the first time around. The biggest problem it seems is that you and your husband are not on the same page. That is the place to start. If he overhears you, he worries that it's not the whole picture. Even a "nanny cam" doesn't tell the whole story. And this smart 14 year old is well aware that he doesn't trust you or doesn't trust her, and that can fill her with insecurity as well as give her openings to play one against the other. I think the absolute first place to start is with family counseling - probably just you and your husband to start. If he won't go, go without him. You have to get some perspective, some skills, some strategies in place. Everything you read is something YOU have to tell HIM about - he's not going to hear it. You might consider a male therapist if you feel your husband will listen to another man more easily. It's really important that your SD has consistency and solidity in your home - and it's good for your marriage and your own sanity. Good luck!

Is it possible that your husband feels some guilt with this child due the split with the mom and this is how he shows it? It doesn't sound like you are the problem it sounds to me more like it is his issue. I would sit down with a therapist and try to work this out. SD must notice that you and he disagree over her, which is not the most helpful situation in my view.

Blessings on this,

L.

Ok here goes, hope this helps?!
I am the child of multiple step parent relationships (mom is on third hubby, dad on second wife). I am now 28 and a mommy myself.
Sounds to me like your husband needs to hear from you how much you love your step daughter over and over again.(he is a man remember, just like a kid... repeat, repeat, repeat! haha!) I think from his perspective he is worried that although you have full custody of his daughter (and for those of you that keep saying she is this posters' daughter, she is SORT OF, but really isn't techniically, which is the problem) he is probably realizing himself what a hard age 14 is for a girl. As the daughter gets older she is going to start to pull away more and the parental units are going to be less "understanding of her misery" in her mind (she is at the begininng of being a teenager! remember how confusing high school was?)
She is also going to start to become that age that a court would listen to her no matter what the custody agreement is. Let's face it, she can say daddy is mean and mommy is mean and it is chalked up to "well they are your parents, you don't have to LIKE them all the time!" BUT if she complains about YOU and has examples that even though well meaning to YOU could be bended to be bad in any way.... a court could grant her request to go back to living with her mom any time. Let's also not forget too that in a lot of states when a child turns 16 they can attempt to become an emancipated minor.(!!)
So it sounds like your husband is worried about losing her due to her age and rights and so that is why he is "policing" you. Of course I am not sitting in your living room during each and every disscussion/fight about this subject, so I could be totally wrong. This is just what I got from your post. Hope it helps in some way! Good Luck!
Wait until you get to the girl's wedding later in life.... what a time THAT was in our family!

Dear N.,

I have a stepmom, a son, a husband and I also have a very good friend of mine who is a stepmom. I want to share some of my experiences and observations.
It took me a long time to be able to recognize that my stepmom was someone I actually loved and got along with well. It is hard to say so as a teenager because you feel that you should dislike your stepmom in order not to hurt your mom...
The problem seems to be more with your husband. He is probably transferring his insecurities about his relationship with his daughter to his relationship to you which feels more secure.
From my experience, fathers never really get over the guilt from the divorce regardless of who was at fault. Most children - especially daughters learn to use this to their advantage.
Yes you need full support from your husband. More importantly you need his trust. I would talk to him. It may be you need a neutral party like a therapist to mediate.
I would also suggest that you don't encourage his insecurity by letting him or suggesting to use a nanny cam. You need to express what you feel to him in an environment where he is going to listen to you.
He also needs to realize that he cannot control every conversation you have with your stepdaughter. It may help to try to talk to her together but if he doesn't trust you to talk to her it is going to make your life much more difficult.
Also, I have to say that a 13 year old will understand much more than we give them credit for. You may want to suggest to your husband that he take a daughter-dad afternoon and tell her how happy he is that she is living with you and that he wants to make sure that she knows that she can always tell him if she's unhappy and why. Don't give her ammo such as "let me know if you ever want to go live with your mom" since she could then use that to do emotional blackmail.
I firmly believe that husbands can develop wife deafness. This happens to my friend sometimes. As soon as it's a friend or someone else who suggests something that their wife has been talking about for a while, then they listen! Go figure.

I am not sure if this helps. I guess I just want to say that being a stepmom is probably the most difficult parenting job and hopefully someday your stepdaughter and your husband will say thank you.

good luck,
A.

I would ask your husband what he is afraid of happening? And, why doesn't he trust you? Where is evidence to support that what you are doing isn't the right thing? (if there ever truly is a "right" thing)
He needs to find a way to trust you are doing your best and the best for your family and take a deep breathe and stop being critical. That must really hurt you, I am so sorry!
He wanted to bring you into the family as well as have you be the mother figure since she lives with you, so it really was his choice and he can't be second guessing everything that goes on. It undermines your family cohesiveness if you have to be paranoid he might be listening.
Maybe a conversation with a counselor is needed to help him see this. Good luck to you. (I have three stepkids, so I can't imagine if my husband wasn't 100% with me on everything I say/do)

I am the step-mom to a 14 year old girl. (I also came into her life when she was 4) It is different for me because she lives with her mother. First of all you sound like you are a good step-mother. I do have to agree with Amber that we are not their mothers. As much as I would love to be her mother, as long as her mom is in her life it will never happen. (it doesn't matter how stable or unstable her mother is, she is going to love her) As for your husband, this is not a problem that I have had but I say communicate. Find out what the issue is and what exactly he's afraid is going on/going to happen. Does he feel these conversations are pushing her away? Again I believe Amber is correct, she is getting to the age where she can choose for herself where she wants to live. If you feel you need to, go to a therapist. Good Luck.

Hi N.:

Oh, how I sympathize. I had three step-daughters who are now grown with children of their own. The best advice I can give you is this: Don't try to be a mother to your step-daughter and do not try to discipline her. That truly is your husband's job. And it sounds as though he wants it to only be his job. And that's okay. She is his child. The best thing you can do is to be her friend. An older, wiser, mature friend
that she can turn to if she needs to. I know how difficult it can be to live in the same house with a child and not feel you have much say about them, but if I could have had this advice 20 years ago it would have saved us all a lot of pain and anger. Being a step mom is one of the hardest jobs out there, but it sure sounds like your heart is in the right place. Best Wishes,
P. B.