My daughter, who is 12 yrs old, has this classmate that has pretty much turned into a bully. Over the years, this girl and my daughter has had an on-again/off-again friendship. Basically, when this girl doesn't get her way, she treats my daughter badly. My daughter can be too nice and has given her way too many second chances. She has finally put her foot down and decided she is done with her. Now this girl has gone too far and turned all of my daughter's friends against her. Every day, she comes home looking depressed, sometimes with tears in her eyes. I feel helpless. Any suggestions?
Hi Everyone! First, I would like to say thank you to all of you! Everyone had such great advice! So here's what happened. My husband and I talked about how we want our kids to be independent but to always feel like they can come to us for anything. So I decided to let my daughter handle it her own way and told her that I'm here if she wants to talk. One day after school, I asked her how her day was. She stated she finally knew who her fake friends were. She has one very good friend outside of school who she hangs out with alot. She is now volunteering at the local humane society and loves it. I decided I will just step back, even though it breaks my heart that she is going through this. I told her to let me know if this problem gets worse and if she wants me to step in and contact the school. So far summer is going well and she says she's not going to let that get to her anymore. I'm very proud of my daughter for not letting that girl, that bully, get her down.
another post to suggest school counselor. If the classmate is being a bully the school needs to step in and stop that before things get worse.
Hopefully, after a summer of of not seeing these girls daily, things get better. and maybe next fall there will be new kids to hang out with.
My daughter is 24 and went through hell during school with mean girls (and boys).
Be there for her, support her, listen listen listen, involve the school counselor and principal. We had to go as far as involving the police it was so bad.
My daughter was a good athlete, captain of the varsity cheer squad and had 4.0 GPA. People are just mean and you figure out who true friends are.
On the flip side... she was asked to speak in college and she addressed the hell through school and said the adversity made her a stronger person. I do believe it did make her stronger but as a parent, it was heartbreaking to see what was going on and not being able to go wring some kid's neck. I do believe in karma.
We discuss this to this day.. My daughter hated school because of the people, then in her first year of college her dad (my husband of 26 years) dropped dead suddenly, then in 2016 she had heart surgery.
A lot of people would give up, we sure have felt like it but she has not let it stop her. It has been a motivation for her and I am proud to say she is in her dream job with a very sweet deal for the last year and has just purchased her dream car (Tesla S). Her dad is smiling from heaven!!
I only told you details of our story so you can see the brighter lining at the end. We are very close and tight and the issues we have gone through have brought us even closer.
Hang in there and I am so sorry for your daughter and all of the other girls (and boys) who hate school because of ugly, mean people.
In these groups, there's often a queen bee and someone who challenges her, and then a bunch of followers. That's how it was when I was a kid, and also in my kids' groups.
I was a follower (with my school group friends). It was easier. I then had enough in junior high, met my real friends, and moved on. I'm still friends with those gals to this day.
I hope that happens for your daughter. I suspect it will.
The thing is, the followers are forced to pick sides. They are seeing what happens when that happens. They don't want to be bullied either .. so they picked the alpha girl's side.
I'd just explain that to your daughter. It sucks, but that's how the group dynamics work (especially school groups).
It's too bad your daughter didn't just drift in a way - rather than a standoff? Was that it? How did it go down?
A lot of girls (mine included) don't like drama or showdowns. So they would side with the girl who didn't cause the upset in the group. It may be that too - if your daughter finally had enough and changed how the dynamic is.
I suspect they like your daughter still - just don't want to get involved. Remember - maturity levels are super low at this age. High school is much better.
They probably feel are in a pick and choose situation here. They don't see it as they can be friends with both.
I would just encourage your daughter to be involved in other things, seek out some new friendships (or maybe hang out with one of the girls she's closer to), or a friend she's pals with outside of the group. Getting one away on their own can really help - maybe suggest a movie date, etc.
In a week hopefully it won't seem to so bad. I just listen .. because they just want to get it all out and know that they can talk. Good luck :)
You bolster her. You help her find inner strength. You work on helping her understand what it means to be a true friend. You work on helping her understand that her true worth comes from within, not from the value judgments of others. You help her understand that people who need to form alliances and turn someone else into an enemy, who are into ostracism and public humiliation, are saying more about themselves and their own self-image than they are about her. You help her understand that those who "seem nice" or "act happy" aren't always.
Without critiquing her motives, you help her investigate her need to give and give and give, whether it's 2nd and 3rd chances or special favors, without equivalent giving on the other side.
This is important for many reasons, not the least of which is that guys will flatter her, then start demanding more and more, then reject her. And teen girls (and older women) fall for it because they don't have enough of a sense of worth. God and Mother Nature gave her 2 feet to stand on, a spine to hold her upright, two eyes and two ears to see and hear what others are doing/saying, and a brain to figure it out. She also has a heart and she's clearly got a big one, but it's not her only organ.
Get her some help from a counselor on a short term basis if you don't feel her depression is lifting. Resist the urge to get involved in her friendships though, and instead encourage her to start to take charge of them.
Sometimes the best thing a kid like this can do is to look around and find someone who would appreciate her gifts and talents. While she was focused on this group, she was missing out on other, rewarding friendships. And encourage her to hold her head high. When the other friends are treated badly by the bully ringleader, they may need a soft place to fall.
If the bullying is significant and widespread especially, alert the school counselor. But the goal is not to get your daughter back in that circle, but rather to ward off more of this.
J.
welcome back!! it's been a long time!
Your daughter has just learned the definition of fake friends.
The school year is almost over. If it's that bad, have her go to the counselor at school and talk with him/her about it.
Get her involved in sports and other activities where she can make friends and who have things in common with her. Encourage her to branch out and find people who aren't so easily swayed.
This is such a rotten age. Just keep listening and offering support. Encourage her to seek out new activities as a way to meet new people. Our middle school offered lots of clubs and intramural sports that anyone could sign up for. Remind her that REAL friends are there for you no matter what, and if these girls can be turned against her they aren't really her friends after all.
I know it's hard but most of our kids go through this at one time or another. It DOES get better, and the friendships they form in high school and beyond are so much better, stronger and more mature.
ETA: also encourage her to talk to the school counselor, that was a fantastic resource for my youngest. And of course if you think things are getting beyond what your daughter can handle then make an appointment with the counselor yourself. If these girls are making your daughter depressed or feeling unsafe the school needs to know.
We just went through this exact situation and my advice is to talk to your daughter as often as she is willing to talk to you about it. Take her side and support her, but don’t blame everyone else. Open a polite conversation with the other parents. Ask for their advice on the situation and don’t blame their children without acknowledging your child’s role even if it is just circumstances and not their intentional actions that are causing the problem.
We just moved to a small town and my outgoing daughter unknowingly posed a threat to the resident queen bee. Things came to a head when my daughter received an “anonymous” nasty letter on her desk.
I talked to my daughter and with her permission, I contacted the parents of the two girls involved and their classroom teacher. I was very careful to not blame the other girls entirely and to acknowledge that my daughter is not a wall flower and was responsible for her own actions, whatever they might have been.
The queen bee’s mother (a teacher/coach at the school) was awesome. She contacted me immediately and addressed the issue with her daughter right away. The follower’s mother (also a teacher) never contacted me, but did speak to her daughter and their classroom teacher was pretty wishy washy about the whole thing. “They need to work it out themselves, but I will keep an eye on them” was her response.
My daughter and I, talked about how the Queen Bee probably felt replaced and threatened and how hard it was on the other kids to take sides. I encouraged her to walk away and find other things to do and that things will eventually settle down. She was not a victim and did not need to tolerate the bad behavior, but she did not need to engage in it either. It was devastating to see her start to dread school days.
The Queen did try to take friends and there was one minor case of actual physical bullying, but because my daughter stayed neutral and the other kids took her side. That more than anything changed the game. Having even one friend chose her gave her her confidence back, so I would suggest you encourage more one on one time with some other students to build those relationships.
My daughter now is now tentative friends with queen bee, but she knows that this girl is not a close friend and likes to cause drama. She even asked if this girl could come over for a play date this weekend “while they are still getting along” 🤪
It turned out to be a great life lesson and a good bonding experience for the two of us.
It's a tough age.
Many friendships change up around/just before middle school.
If bullying is happening the school needs to get involved - they should have an anti bully program.
Your daughter did right in being done with this friend.
It's a shame her other friends are following this ex friend but they will probably learn the hard way about what happens when this person flips out on them.
Get your daughter involved in activities after/outside of school.
It's good to have some friends that go to different schools and have other interests.
Girl Scouts, taekwondo, sports, craft classes, cooking classes, art classes, dancing, etc are all great things to get involved with.
you continue to work on bolstering her inner strength and stamina so that she can let the snipes of the bitchy ones bounce off. then she can work on building a better network of real friends.
that doesn't happen through bashing the bitches or drowning her in platitudes. it means asking her leading questions such as 'was today a bad one? what happened? what advice would you give someone in your situation?' and allowing her to work out for herself what coping strategies are actually useful for her. and this involves some trial and error. some that work well for you may not suit her.
but she needs to figure it out. not without you, but with your guidance.
you can't fix the other girls for her.
khairete
S.
My daughter just went through this, I told her to stay to strong and the girl that is now the bully that stole all her other friends, those weren't her true friends..I have her meeting up with a guidance counselor 1 a week and I also let school know what is going on because bullying is not tolerated at our district in anyway shape or form...I also encouraged her to step outside of the box and start talking to new girls to become friends with and she has bonded with a few new friends...I know middle School is the worst!!! This age is the worst!!! They form friendships in kindergarten and kind of stick with those kids all the way through and then one becomes a leader and they all follow, well someone eventually gets sick of it like your daughter, well her other friends that followed the bully are soon going to realize what the bully is all about and want to be friends with your daughter again and the bully will be all alone...that is what happened in my daughter's case and when my daughter came home and asked me what she should do, I said did they apologise and she said they did and I said then accept it but it happens again, I wouldn't accept it again...now my daughter's bully is hanging out with bad kids...I hope it all works out for your daughter!!!
So sorry for your daughter, and that this situation is so common. My daughter is younger and going through it as well. Every day, there's so much frustration because the other girl is telling the teacher lies about her repeatedly. I encourage my daughter to write in her journal - every thought she has, whether it be mean or sad. Helps her to know it's ok to feel emotional, but to control her emotions at school. Be strong for your daughter, it's a rotten part of school. Keep her as busy as you can with other activities. She'll make it through.
My good friend just had this happen with her daughter...well it has been happening for years but her daughter finally decided she had had enough (she's in 8th grade now). The exact same thing you are talking about...her daughter was just too kind and this other girl was always like a "frenemy" and was definitely the queen bee in their group of friends. She started spreading lies and it got so bad my friend's daughter was stressed and puking and sick. She decided to quit dance (where she sees this girl every day) even though she loved it and she is staying away from her at school. This is very hard since they have the same friend group. She has joined a new sport and is now making a new set of friends. My friend tried talking to the other girl's mom quite a few times but she only believed the lies her daughter told her and only would stick up for her bully daughter. The school got involved and they both had to go see the counsellor together and alone, but the bully girl also lied the whole time to the counsellor. I hate it that this thing seems to be so common. I hate it when I take my (much younger) daughter to dance and see this alpha girl there surrounded by all her beta friends/fans.. It's like she got no consequences for her bad behavior and it pisses me off. Grrr. Talk to your daughter about what a true friend is and encourage her to drop this bully friend and make new friends and just stay away from her...life is too short to have people like this in it making you feel bad every day.
I would contact the parents and let them know. Have them talk or what ever to their daughter.. and if they didn’t. I would tell them my next step is calling the principal. Tell them she is a bully and it is not acceptable!
But she can not possibly turn all friends against your daughter. Tell your daughter to be friends with those that have their own brain and not follow the other girl. Maybe have a sleep over at your house with pizza and movies.
Sorry you guys are going through this!
