Home Birth with a Toddler

I had two of my children at home. My mom was there to entertain the kids while I was in the bedroom giving birth. She would bring them back to the room to see me. But mainly she entertained her and fed her basically just kept her busy. My oldest daughter was 4.5 when my second daughter was born. My family and the midwive's kept her busy in between contractions and helping me. The best thing to do is to make it a happy place around the house when you are in the back going thru everything. My favorite story to tell everyone about having a birth at home is when my second child was born my husband and one of the midwives had to break away from having a good time in the kitchen eating rotel dip and other snacks to come back and help me when my water broke. My daughter tried her best to stay awake because she wanted to see her sibling but she didn't make it since she was born at 2:30 in the morning. It was a wonderful experience and something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. The real kicker was the next morning after I had her and I needed to go the bathroom for the first time and I couldn't get anyone to come and help me because everyone was passed out. All I could think about was I was the one that had the baby and they are all worn out. Too Funny! Best of luck!

this may not be an option for you but have you thought about her not staying there and seeing it at all? I can't imagine she would be ok with it and it may create more problems than you want with a new baby. I would think it might scare her to see you hurting, screaming, moaning, etc. Unless you want her there for sentimental reasons, I would recommend not having her there at all. Not to mention you and your husband can have a night of alone time to recooperate with your new baby and then you can get your daughter back first thing in the morning. I think if she were older, maybe 5 yrs old, she could understand but at not even 2 yrs old, she will not understand what is going on.

Good luck to you and congratulations.

W.

Hi Becka,

I am a homebirther as well and have homebirthed the last four of our eight children. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with our ninth. The ages range from 1 to 11.

I hear you on the "should I have her present when I am in pain or not." I think it is wise to keep a friend on hand to do whatever it is you want with your daughter. I have wanted to have my children present during my labors and deliveries, but every time, at the last moment, I have chosen not to have them there. Not because I was afraid of how they would handle it, because they would be fine, young and old. You just never know what you are going to want during delivery...and that's why it's good to keep your options open. When I have been in labor, all my previous desires of having them present go out the window and I have felt the need to be completely alone. Apparently, I labor much more effectively if left alone...which is too bad because when I am not in labor, my dream is to have all my family present...but like I said, labor can change all those desires in a heartbeat. You may be one that really thrives off having people around and it may not be an issue at all. Your daughter will be fine either with you or without you during labor. If she if present, it will not traumatize her as long as she is reassured that everything is fine and that "baby" is coming, it just hurts a little (lie, a LOT!).
I wish you the best....and I hope a little of what I have said helps..if not, well, it was fun to write about! If you have anymore questions at all, or you just want to talk, you can email me @ ____@____.com again, congratulations!!

T.

My daugher had just turned 2 when her brother was born at home. We talked a lot about what would happen and watched a lot of home birth videos. (Like another poster said don't waste your time with hospital birth videos since they are totally different.)
I actually made some of the noises that I had made during her labor so she would know some of the sounds to expect. I said mommy is going to have to push really really hard to get the baby out and it might sound like this... I even had her make some of the noises with me. I would ask her to help me practice!
I never used the word hurt or pain when talking about it. I stayed away from any negative words. I said things like try really really hard, and very hard work. Kids will take so many cues from parents. If you seem nervous about them being at the birth they will pick up on that.
My birth went well, there was no stress and my daughter was fine. We did have someone there to take care of her should she need to get out of the house but it was fine.
My daughter was 3.5 and her brother was 20 months when I was in labor with their sister at home. Again we had talked a lot about what labor would be like and the sights and sounds of labor. We watched videos. I was much more concerned this time around since my son was/is so much more attached to me and not as mature as his older sister but really he was fine with the whole thing too. He knew it was time for the baby to come out and as much as a 20 month old can understand he knew what to expect. He had met the midwife and assistant. I had a friend here for each of the kids if they needed them.
I think the important thing is to let them lead. If they want to be in the room that is great but if they start to show signs of stress or get uncomfortable it's time to take them out of the situation and if they want to come back later let them.
Please don't listen to people that say it's bad for kids to see birth or to attend birth especially the birth of a sibling. It is such a wonderful thing for them to be a part of. It's natural and kids have been part of the birth experience of their mothers since the beginning of time. It really is a shame that so many peoples only exposure to birth is what they have seen on TV and they thing it's a loud scary painful and traumatic event. How lucky we homebirthers are to know how beautiful and peaceful it can be!
As long as you keep your cool about it, give positive cues to your daughter and have someone special around just for her she'll be fine!
Hugs to you and lots of wishes for a beautiful birth!

Becka,
I just want to commend you on the home birth. How awesome!!! I wish before I die I could witness a birth. The whole process from beginning of life to the birth is so incredible!!!
God bless you. As for preparing your daughter, I have to say having your friend as back up is a great idea.
Good luck to you!

I'm not a home birther but my dd (23 months at the time) was there for most of the labor and part of the pushing with her little sister. I was at a birth center. My daughter did really great through the labor, she understood that mama hurt but she also understood that it wasn't scary and that it was ok. I found as long as I stayed calm then so did she. She nursed right before I started pushing and then dozed off on the bed. I unfortunately did end up with an emergency hospital transfer and she didn't go with us for that (the ambulance and the actual way the birth went probably would have been traumatizing for her). My mom was at the birth center and stayed with her until after the baby was born. We did a lot to prepare her. She watched a lot of birth videos, we talked about what would happen and gave her little jobs to do (rub lotion on moms belly, rub my back, color a picture for the baby, etc).

i know a girl who has 3 kids under the age of 4. her last was a home birth. both of her other 2 were at the house while she was loboring and delivering. the middle child slept through the whole thing, but the oldest(3 at the time) was awake. they had had explained before hand that momy would be having the baby soon and for her not to worry. but when the time came she was a little scared becasue she could her mom graoning and crying. but her grandma was there with her and explained to her that mommy was just working very hard to get the new baby out of her tummy and everything would be ok in a little while. that seemed to satisfy her and all was fine.

DD was born at home when DS was about 3 yo. He was totally not interested in it so he stayed far away (but in the same house) with Grandma. I am pretty sure he could hear my noises, but we had talked about what to expect a lot before the birth. That it was normal and not to be afraid for mommy. We even watched a couple of videos. I think there are some books for kids to help them understand whats happening too.

And good luck. Home birth rocks! :)

i think that having an "out" for your daughter would be helpful. have someone at the birth, who could take her for a walk, or to the park, if she wanted to leave. also, prepare her for what she might see and hear. "mommy might make a lot of loud lion noises, because it is hard to get the baby out." something that will let her know that no matter what mommy is doing, she is okay.

My older son was 19 months old when my younger son was born at home (you can read the birth story here if you have any questions about some of this: http://womantowomancbe.wordpress.com/2008/05/30/seths-bir..., and it was no big deal. My labor was 24 hours long, but the contractions were every 7-15 minutes. Most of the time I was completely alone (waiting for "real" labor to start, I didn't call the midwife, nor did I want to disturb my husband while he was asleep), yet that wasn't a problem to deal with my toddler. He was asleep for a large part of it (slept probably 12 hours at night, and took a nap of another couple of hours starting at noon), and when he was awake, the ctx were so widely spaced that I could easily deal with him and then be somewhere else when another one hit, or just work through it moaning softly. He loved watching "Little Bear" and I let him have a marathon -- watching as many as he wanted.

However, everybody's experience will be different -- you may have a short overnight labor and your daughter will sleep all the way through and wake up to her new little brother/sister. But I would have somebody at your house or at least "on call" to be able to watch your child, because some kids get a little freaked out by all the commotion (having a stranger [the midwife, assistant, doula, whoever] in the house, mommy making funny noises, walking around in little or nothing, etc.) and they may become needy right when you require all the attention from the midwife and your husband. In fact, my first midwife had that as part of her policy -- that if the woman had other children at home, she *had* to have somebody devoted just to them, so they weren't too much of a problem -- in the way, demanding attention, getting into the birth supplies, etc. Although your daughter may or may not be that way, it's still a good idea to have somebody there just in case. Otherwise, there may be a time when your husband will have to take your daughter somewhere else (even if it's just into the other room and stay with her, but possibly take her out of the house), and then what?

And I'm echoing the other suggestions that she watch birth videos (youtube has lots of homebirth vids, which I would suggest instead of any hospital-birth ones, because it will look quite different to young eyes to see only women trussed up in stirrups and sterile drapes on her back on a table, compared to the typical home-birth setting of a woman birthing under her own power, in her living room or bedroom). Make sure she sees videos of women having contractions (so many hospital-birth videos show only drugged women who do not show reactions to contractions), and "translate" it for her -- "Oh, look at this lady, see how strong she is, and how she has to close her eyes and push really hard and make noises to help her get the baby out" sort of thing. Get her familiar with the sights and noises, so she doesn't flip out.

And if she doesn't want to be there, that needs to be an option for her -- she shouldn't be made to feel like she has to be there.

I have two best friends who both did home births with toddlers. They both made plans to have the toddler stay at a close friend's home during the latter part of labor and the birth. They felt it would be too much to expect their toddlers to deal with - they certainly cannot understand really what is going on, and that way you and your husband can just focus on enjoying the birth. Also, you can feel free to scream or cry if you need to without worrying about "freaking out" your other little one. Good luck and congratulations!

i think you are right on to have a friend there. i deff wouldnt let the toddler see you in pain and giving birth...very traumatic for a little one. good luck hope everything goes well

One obvious suggestion, which I'm sure you've already done, is to tell her over and over that it will hurt mama for awhile to get the new baby out of her, but that it's okay and that she doesn't need to worry. Tell her that it was like this when she came out, and look how well everything turned out. I'd also watch some of those TV shows that show babies being born, and point out that those ladies are hurting awhile, but when the baby comes out they are okay.

Hi, Becka.

I was the friend who hung out w/ the toddler for my friend's home birth. From my perspective, I think it is a great idea to have someone on hand. It never hurts to be prepared. My friend's daughter was just shy of 2 years old when the sister was born at home. Things went very well, both for the parents and the daughter. One thing that eased their minds was that I would be there should something unexpected happen and they would need to go to hospital. They wouldn't be able to leave their toddler at home, and trying to find someone to watch her at a chaotic moment like that would be even more stressful. The other thing that I was able to do was be in there with the daughter and take pictures for the parents (of course, the daughter did well and was happy to be there, not fussy or anything). The midwife also wanted someone else there with the child for the same reasons, something unexpected happening, or the father needing to help the mom concentrate or be a support, etc. I would highly recommend having your friend there. And don't worry about calling in the middle of the night (I got my call around 11pm, and I was there until 3am). I was thrilled to help out in any way that I could. I took a few books and quiet toys to play with, as well as a few light snacks for the daughter should we need them (we didn't).

Best wishes to you for a safe and happy L&D. I know you are anxious to meet your new little one.

I have had 5 homebirths with toddlers/other children present. Young kids are not preconditioned to fear birth, unless they get their fears from you, which I assume they won't or you wouldn't be planning a homebirth. They pick up on your fears, not society's. While I was pregnant, I showed them Lennart Nillson's beautiful book, "How I Was Born" showing photo's of prenatal development. We followed our babies development along with the book on a regular basis. I also showed them pictures of births, and demonstrated the noises I would be making while I was working to get the baby out. I told them the noises I would be making was a sign I was working hard, just like one might grunt as they picked up a heavy object, but that that they shouldn't be scared by my noises. I also preparted them for the blood that comes when the placenta detaches, and showed them through Nilssons pictures how the placenta worked, so they would understand that the blood loss was also a normal part of birth. I always gave them the choice of being present or not, but they all always chose to be there. I did have a childcare person there just in case (and actually did have to use her once when I started to run a fever in labor and transferred to the hospital.)
My kids are all adults now. I have 11 grandchildren. Two of my daughters & one of my sons have kids. They all handled labor and birth like old pros. Although they didn't make all the same decisions I did, they knew what their choices were and made intelligent informed decisions. None of them got pregnant in high school. I think being part of their siblings births gave them a good perspective on the responsibilities and repercutions that come with being sexually active.