Help with Teenage Son.. - San Antonio,TX

My now 21 year old daughter was (is) a softball player since she was seven. She was in rec ball and travel ball but it wasn't until high school that we were not permitted at tryouts. My daughter's high school had over 4,000+ students with such a limited number of spots on the baseball/softball teams teams. The competition gets tougher, not that it will make him feel any better. I don't believe he didn't make it because you were not there, if he was a superstar at 15 he would be on the team. It's not easy to take but he can do track in the spring and keep up honing his baseball skills or play in another league and try again next year.

Sure teenage boys have puberty hormones. But it sounds to me like your son just has his first big disappointment in life, and that can be really hard. I would encourage you NOT to confirm to him that he was cheated. You have no idea what how the other kids played in comparison to him. You were not there. And reinforcing that will let him dwell on the disappointment longer.

Instead, I would encourage you to encourage him to think about what he wants to do next. High school baseball isn't the only baseball out there. Does he want to play in a rec league? Does he want to try a new sport that he hasn't tried before? If he's as athletically talented as you think he is, then he could easily translate those skills to another sport.

How a person reacts when they don't get what they want says a lot more about that person than how they act when everything is going great. Support your son while he figures out how he will react.

You've got two issues to contend with-
allowing him to take responsibility for things.
dealing with his not making the team.

As for the first. If his job is to take out the trash. make your expectations clearly defined. i.e. you will take out the trash by or before XX time. Let him know in advance what the consequence will be. i.e. if the job isn't done in the manner specified, or timely, I will do it myself, but it will cost you $XX. Then step back. A few instances of enforcement will help to motivate him.

As for baseball, seems like he defined himself as a good ballplayer. Without that as an anchor, he is adrift. He's going to have to learn how to get over it, and not let his life fall apart. Speak with the guidance counselor if you don't know how to get him to focus on other areas which still need his attention - i.e. classwork, and good demeanor.

Best,
F. B.

It's important to learn we don't always get what we want and we learn to deal with the disappointment gracefully, move on to Plan B, do something else, help the team in other ways, etc.
Learning this is part of growing up.

As for the reminding - I get tired of it too but if the freaking trash bin is stuffed to the brim and over flowing and he CAN'T SEE that this means "TAKE OUT THE TRASH" with no one else mentioning it then what the heck is he thinking?
Yeah I'm going to mention it.
Bummer Dude but it's your job and you haven't done it - GET TO IT!

Our son is 16 and just lately will do some things without being asked.
It just takes awhile for all this stuff to come online.
Be patient as much as possible.
I made it clear to our son early on that when it comes to pitching fits - I can out 'fit' him with one hand tied behind my back but it's a miserable way to live and we Just DON'T WANT to GO there.
He chooses to believe me and is very cooperative, thank goodness!

It's highly unlikely that your son didn't make the team because his parents weren't at the tryouts. Don't be that parent, who tells her son that he was "cheated" and makes excuses for why he didn't get on the team.

Your son might be very talented, but maybe the others were more talented. Your son needs to learn to persevere at what he wants, not to feel entitled and whiny, and therefore suggesting to him that he was cheated is a very unhealthy thing for you to do.

I've seen parents over the years misdirect their children when they (wrongly) felt that somehow their child was unfairly kept off the team, or the squad, or whatever it was. Situations like this are where your child builds character and tenacity -- and character is WAY more important that one season on the team.

I hope you have kept your feelings to yourself, and simply told your son, "Son, I'm sorry you didn't make the team this year. Maybe you can play on X rec league until you get the opportunity to try again next year. Maybe you can ask the coach if you can practice with the team, so you can stay in the loop, and prove to him what a great, hardworking player you are."

Say something like that, NOT "You were cheated because we weren't at the tryouts and the only kids who make it are those whose parents are at the tryouts." That is not only a bad message to send to your son, but probably erroneous.

As far as moodiness and refusal to do chores -- give him a reasonable amount of time to complete the chore, and a consequence if he does not. Don't remind or nag. Once he gets the consequence the first time, he will probably do the chore the next time.

I really don't have advice on the baseball part of your post, but as for the other part (reminding him, the alleged "nagging", forgetting or ignoring things he is supposed to take care of):

My son was a lot like that when he was about 15. I told him a million times, he protested, he accused me of nagging, he forgot the simplest things. I know a lot of new things were in his life: high school demands, girls, activities, hormones, etc. And we all were frustrated. So finally, instead of telling him, for example, to take the trash can to the curb, I wrote it. I handed him a simple note or I put it on a white board. I only wrote it once, and sometimes I'd write the consequence. "Take the trash can to the curb by 7 am tomorrow. If you miss trash pickup, you'll also miss going out anywhere tomorrow evening." This way, it's indisputable, it's not nagging, and often, a written notice makes more of an impact than a voice they've become accustomed to tuning out. It solved a lot of problems for us. One written direction, plainly posted or handed in person, one simple consequence, done.

If necessary, you can have him initial the white board reminder, or check it off, and then if you need to ground him, fine him, or otherwise hand out a consequence, there is no room for that "I didn't know I was supposed to do that" nonsense.

High school is a big wake-up call for a lot of kids. They are expected to be able to handle their work & assignments without constant reminders from teachers (and from parents). They often have a new set of friends and classmates, either from several middle schools coming together or from new groupings based on class "teams" and choices.

They also find that they are trying out for teams with a limited number of slots, particularly for freshmen. I am not sure what the custom is in your district - sometimes parents are expected to show up at tryouts as one poster mentioned below, but at others (like mine), helicopter parents are discouraged and looked at warily. Coming to games and meets is one thing, but attending tryouts would not be valued by coaches, and it might be seen as overkill. If your district is like the one Mum4Ever describes, I'd be shocked - but it's possible. But going to the coach would be seen in most districts as interference. Your belief that your child was "cheated" out of a spot on the team may show a blind spot about your son's ability (what coach wouldn't want such a talented athlete???) or it might be perceived as a challenge to the coach's ability (never a good idea). Isn't it possible that the other kids selected were either more talented or a better balance with the existing talent, especially in a sport where players have different skills for different positions? A team doesn't need 4 left fielders if they are short on pitchers.

And thousands of kids come from homes where both parents work, and team acceptance is not in any way based on whose parents show up for every tryout. That would be a horrible way to choose a team. (And we have at least one example of overzealous parents who have actually been banned from games and practices!)

Instead, work with your son on having only one plan - baseball - as being unrealistic. He's a freshman, and he's tried out against sophomores, juniors and seniors. It's a limited size team. So he could show his interest by volunteering to be an assistant manager or equipment manager (not glamorous, but that's the point).

He could also work to get in good physical condition in some other way. For example, in our high school, the track & field team is open to EVERYONE with no tryouts at all. Freshmen, in particular, are encouraged to come and experiment with different events, and to participate in training which builds muscle, coordination and endurance. The head coach doesn't even like for new kids to feel pressure about what to compete in - they should just work with different assistant coaches and get exposed to the many possibilities. Not everyone has to run fast - the shot put and discus athletes aren't fast at all. But the smaller kids (frequent in pubescent kids) may do very well with sprints or other events despite not having a lot of upper body strength. Moreover, a ton of athletes for other sports in other seasons use spring track/field or fall cross country as ways to get in and stay in shape. SO these sports are full of soccer players, tennis players and baseball players in the off season. Participation gives them a chance to be reviewed by coaches who may communicate their impressions to other coaches.

As for the chores and nagging - stop. The nagging isn't working. Having a written list might be just right, as suggested below. Choose, and prioritize, the chores you want done and the timetable. There have to be repercussions/consequences too - kids always want something, whether it's a ride to the mall or an allowance or a cell phone or time to play video games. Tie those to what he has earned by being a responsible family member.

Also work on your expectations for his grades - I'd suggest that his effort is more important than just the letter grade - so if he's lethargic and non-participatory in class, that's a red flag. Set up a teacher conference and discuss where he's falling behind and what he needs to do - after school help is free but up to each student to seek out.

I think every kid needs to learn how to deal with disappointment. Is it possible your child has had everything work out for him (acceptance on every team since he was little, for example)? Perhaps his grades have come easily for him? Perhaps he hasn't had to develop a sense of responsibility because you always keep after him to get work done? It's time to upgrade your approach based on his age and maturity. I know you'll always think of him as your "baby boy" but he's not - he's turning into an adult. That means he has to learn that things don't always work out perfectly and they aren't easy. But one disappointment shouldn't send someone into a tailspin if he has other areas in which to succeed and excel. If this is not something you can turn around on your own, getting some good family counseling with someone skilled with adolescents would be a great short-term solution to get you all on the same page.

My oldest daughter is turning 13 soon. I think in terms of overall development, 13 year old girls are about the equivalent of 15 year old boys. :) In any case, my daughter (who lives and breathes for ballet) badly injured her ankle just before Christmas. We've been to several orthopedic surgeons, a physical therapist, and a podiatrist, and none of them can seem to figure out what's wrong with her - but she can't put weight on her left foot at all. It has been four months that she hasn't been able to dance, and as such, she missed out on summer program auditions, and now has to re-audition (whenever she can walk again?!) for her spot in the pre-professional program she was in. In short, IT ISN'T FAIR! Things happen in life that are really heartbreaking and unfair. She has really had to come to terms with this in the past several months. She and I have cried many tears over this (separately and together), and we also dealt with her defiant and cranky attitude as a result of all the disappointment.

But the long and the short of it, for us anyway, has been this. She is a member of our family, and if she wants to continue to enjoy the loving support of her parents, she can be cheerful and helpful around the house, and not be a cranky snipe to her sister. If she persists in the pissy attitude, we will send her back to the neighborhood public school (she's homeschooled because pre-pro ballet programs run 20+ hours per week), we can stop paying for and driving to ballet, and we can take away the iPhone, laptop, etc. And she can sit around and be cranky all she wants. OR, she can put a cheerful face on and enjoy life with the rest of us, including the many privileges she has.

She gave this some thought, and decided that being helpful and cheerful was the way to go. She is still pretty sad about being injured, which is totally understandable, but she has started to realize that it's just a whole lot easier to, for instance, vacuum the downstairs without being asked, than it is to have her dad and I taking away privileges, and then having to do the vacuuming anyway! And when she does things without being asked, we make sure to notice, and thank/praise her. It's a work in progress.

I guess at the end of the day, it's hard to realize that life is just not fair. Sometimes other people have it way easier than we do, and we have to work much harder to achieve the same things. For your son, that means he will have to hit the weight room, work on his skills for another year, and try out again. For my daughter, it means lots of doctors appointments, having her foot in a cast for months on end, and then months of physical therapy before starting all over in ballet. But if they want what they want badly enough, and put the work in, they can achieve anything they set their minds to. They have to get past the pity party long enough to see that, though. Meanwhile, we can't let them ruin the mood of the entire household. It's hard. But I think it's possible. This is just a tough age, and I think the days when they were our innocent little babies are coming to an end. :-/

Ditto Elena B's suggestion of writing. My son is nearly 8; we have found that checklists work best for us.

If you have the time, do yourself a favor and get Faber and Mazlish's "How to talk so kids will listen...and how to listen so kids will talk". It's an easy, fun read and there are loads of tips for more effective communication instead of 'nagging'. :)

I have a 15 year old son. He just turned 15, 2 weeks ago...

He's been having hormones for 3 years now!! LOL!!

My son didn't make the baseball team either this year. He too has played for years. He was TOTALLY upset. I told him it was on him and this is life. You have to work hard for things you want. He didn't like my answer but he went back to the coach and asked what skills he needed to improve upon to make the team.

Whether or not you showed up to the try-outs? It wouldn't have affected him making the team. It's how the coach reviewed his skills.

This is life. You will win some and you will lose some. Just because someone has "lived, breathed and played every season" doesn't mean the coach will view his skills the way the COACH wants to see his skills.

With my son? I get one-on-one time with him. After LAX games? We go out to dinner - just the two of us - and we talk...sometimes he'll loosen up and get stuff out. It's a challenge. Don't crowd him, but PAY ATTENTION to friends and WHAT he says as well as HOW he reacts.

IF his attitude sucks? Tell him to adjust it. I know I have to do that. I tell him "I don't like your attitude...adjust it" and he will shrug his shoulders. It's tough because I WANT to get mad and yell - but I know it won't help the situation. So I breathe and maintain calm...I do get sarcastic and I do raise my voice with an "EXCUSE ME??"

Good luck!!

I have a 16 yo son and yes, there are pubescent hormones raging through his body, which makes him edgy, and not know his own strength, and sleepy and pulls away from parents is a big part of it. I suggest you research teen boy and maturation and what the hormones do to the brain.

The saddest part of your post to me is the mindset that he should figure out HS baseball tryouts on his own. He must have felt a tad abandoned with all the other parents hanging out and cheering on and him just alone. I would also venture to guess that the coaches are watching who comes from supportive homes, at this age, as your son does not drive and if you're going to choose to be that detached it puts a huge burden on the rest of the team. So your intentional lack of involvement probably backfired on his baseball tryout. I don't disagree that he should want this, but you already know that, as he has proven that he loves this sport, but he's not independent enough, say as in college, to get himself to and from practices and games. Mom, it's highly likely he was cheated out of a position on the team, but I think you are a big part of defeat.

I suggest you speak with the baseball coach about him being an alternate and that it was a lapse in your judgement to not show more support. I am curious, how do you think you son performs if you are present versus not present? Both of my kids are nationally ranked competitive athletes, and my presence at their events is a huge part of them feeling supported and therefore more successful.

Alternatively, your son is not that talented in baseball as you describe, otherwise he would have most certainly made the team and you need to help guide him into a new and different sport to help burn up those pubescent hormones. You've got a situation that can spiral downward very quickly if you don't take some immediate steps.

GL! I hope you stay engaged until he's bit more independent, say age 21.

My siblings with older kids (now grown, some older teens) said that they went through similar things with teams at high school - their were favorite parents, and parents with connections, and parents who coached simply to get their kids on teams ... it was VERY frustrating. So I think you could be right.

That could really upset a kid. One of mine was really upset when he wasn't able to play a sport any more and he just became irritable. He was snapping at us, and it took a while to put two and two together, but not all kids can verbalize or communicate what's bothering them.

So I think you're probably bang on.

It's too bad. Is there another team he could play on (outside of high school)? Not the same I know .. but at least something?

Good luck :)

He sounds like he's being a normal 15 year old. Mine sometimes needs his space and has no desire to have his mom ask about his feelings. He talks when he's ready to talk. So as long as he isn't closing himself off from people entirely I wouldn't be alarmed.

Not making the team is quite a disappointment for a kid his age. It happens a lot in the first year of high school. It would help him now and later if he asked the coach(es) for advice on what to work on between now and next year's tryouts. It will show dedication as well as make him known to them.

Yes, the moods like you're describing are normal. So sorry.

Is there a city league you could take him to? Try that.

This is a really difficult age for boys. My son is just one year older than yours and decided to stop sports in middle school after seeing who got on the teams and who didn't. In our area it's very "political" - and it's almost easier for a younger brother whose older brother was atheletic since the coaches know the family already. Some really good kids don't make the team while some kids get on the team for the wrong reasons.

Teenage boys handle things so much differently than girls. My older child is a girl and she would come home and verbally spill everything about her day, the teachers, coaches, other girls, cute guys, etc. I get NOTHING from my son.

These are the few things that I learned that might help:
While women need to be loved, men need to be respected. Your son is a young man and he wants desperately to be respected. Not making the baseball team is a big "dis" in his life - so he is not only disappointed about not making the team but also feels he's been disrespected. Find things about him that you can respect. Tell him about the different ways people can handle rejection the bad and the good - tell him he handled the situation well and that you really respect that. He will, almost instantly, stand a little bit taller.
Find things that he can work hard at, and see accomplishment. Whether it's fixing computers, or coaching a little league team, or helping out with an elderly neighbor's minor home repair nudge him to do a difficult thing, and make notice of the accomplishment. Tell him you're proud of him. It sounds corny, and he'll roll his eyes - but he likes to hear it.
Find time with him alone while driving somewhere - it's a way to be side by side, not looking at eachother and you can talk. If it's dark outside even better. That's always a time that I can get some decent feedback and when I can share my admiration of him, provide some small advice, etc.
When surveyed teens say more than anything they want their parents to listen to them. So we need to shut up. Ask a question then close your mouth. It is SO hard to to! We want to share our years of experience and wisdom. They really don't want to hear it. Instead, ask questions that will lead them to come to smart conclusions on their own.
I volunteer in our church high school youth group - we have about 50 kids who come regularly and all the parents of boys say the same thing - it's hard to find out what's going on in their lives, they get sullen and moody and there's never a point where we ever find out what it was about and overall 14-16 is a tough time for guys. If we can point them in the right direction and coach them through the tough times, and discpline them appropriately when they mess up they can get to the other side in good shape.
My son will be 16 this Summer, this is a kid who really struggled in school - he could barely read until middle school. Now he has a passion - computers - and fortunately our school has an excellent IT program and he's earning college credits, has been accepted to an IT academy within our school and will get out of HS with a few different certifications in networking, robotics and computer repair and a semester of college credit. So since that's his passion that's how we motivate, reward and show him respect. But we also require that he volunteers, does chores, and earns money when he wants to spend it. And we've had to discipline him severely too - taking away computer privileges, cellphones and getting grounded... He still goes through those sullen period where as a mom I am beside myself trying to figure out how to "fix" the problem. But so far he seems to be coming along. Ask me again in a few years!

Good luck mama - this parenting stuff is not easy - particularly in the teen years! But acknowleging the tough period and wanting to address it the best way is half the battle! He will do well and you'll be able to look back on these years and smile.