Help Teenager Not Motivated

You could start by sitting him down and talking to him. Try a little bit of threatening by telling him you'll send him to military school if he doesn't straighten up. If there is no change then maybe you should consider letting him live with dad for a while. Maybe dad could do the trick and get him on track. At his age he is rebellious and he wants to do what he wants to do. This is a point where some tough love may need to come into play.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

I was in a similar situation you are. One of my hubby's kids from a previous marriage was unmotivated, didn't help around the house and was disrespectful. The reason for his behavior was that he was on the internet playing games every waking moment of his life and his world was the internet not the real world. The best thing that could have ever happened to him was moving in with his mom. She had her ways to jolt him into reality and he woke up from his "stupor". Yeah to mom. I would say that if you can handle being separated from him, let him move in with his dad. At least for the summer. If it doesn't work out betw the two of them, he can always come back at the end of summer...

Hi R.!

First let me tell you that I empathize with you and that I'm wishing you all the best! Dealing with teenagers can be quite a hefty task, let alone when you've divorced and remarried. I don't have any particular experience with this, but I was a challenging teen and I did leave my mom's house to go live with my father for about 2 years as a result of all that teenaged craziness! ;)

My suggestion is that if you think his father is able to take good care of him and give him the guidance he needs, maybe it will be a good thing for him to go spend more time with his father, contingent upon the fact that his dad is willing to let him come. I had a friend who worried that it might make her son feel as though she was giving up on him, but it actually worked out great. Maybe you can talk it over sensibly with your husband, your son, and your son's father to see if you all can't come up with a reasonable solution that will be comfortable for everyone.

GOOD LUCK!

I'm a 71 y/o G'ma of 4 great-grandchildren and just want to tell you that, not only did I watch my 4 children go through this teenage 'stuff' but my 7 grandchildren!!!!! My youngest grandchild who just turned 18 two months ago is just now starting to get his act together!!!!! He's been a real pistol and nearly has driven his mother (my eldest daughter) to slit her throat!!!!! I know this is extremely h*** o* you, but in hindsight, I'm here to tell you to grit your teeth, clench your fists, and pray for your sanity - "this, too, shall pass!" If his Dad in Virginia can take him, I advise your letting your son go to him. It will give you and your new husband a much-needed break, to say nothing of giving your son a break! EVERYBODY needs a break from the frustration right now. Please consider letting your son go to Virginia - new environment, new school (if his stay there lasts through the summer), new friends, his dad - believe me, he'll be back - you will NOT lose him!!!! He's just being a 'teenager' - he WILL mature and grow up eventually!!! Please don't be afraid. If you are considering letting him go to his dad, then I think you should definitely try it!!!! Even if it doesn't last very long, it will still be a break for everyone, and a wonderful chance for your son and his dad to "bond" some more!!!!! Keep your chin up and remember that God is his REAL father - let God handle this situation!!!

Hello,

I have a 15 year old daughter who is the same way. The more I give to her the worse she is. She treats her step-dad terrible, does not listen to me and she is failing school also. She helps out with her baby brother(premature with some problems) and then acts like she has done so much.
This teenage thing I do not understand either, I wish you luck. I am trying to get her into something this summer and hope that this helps. I just went back to work and really need her to help, but it is just not in her.
The father thing may not be such a good idea, but it depends on the relationship that you have with him. He may not help a at all and make things worse.

T. L

This is typical behavior for a teen, but still very frustrating. Give him a time limit for his chores. If not done, ground him from TV, video games, phone and friends, for a2 days. Next time, ground him for 3 days, etc. He will soon get the picture. If he gripes about chores, tell him he can complain all he wants, but he will have it done in one-half hour or appropriate time, or he is grounded for 2 days, then walk away.
Same for failing classes. Anything below a C (or B if you think he is capable), then no video games or TV until the next report card.
As for fighting with your husband, you need to let your husband have control. If he is trying to get your son to behave, let him. Stand up for your husband and tell your son he must listen to him. Respect of adults is a must. Kids will play their mom against their dad if they think it will get them what they want.
Good luck. (I raised 3 kids, 2 boys)

You MUST have consequences and TALK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES for EVERY thing that he does or does not do. Dr. Phil has a book called LIFE STRATEGIES. I think the subtitle is something like..DOING WHAT WORKS, DOING WHAT MATTERS. Regardless, it talks about the CONSEQUENES FOR EVERY choice we make, positive or negative. If he won't do it alone, you need to do it as a family.

If he refuses........let him go. Don't ruin your own marriage or allow him to make you miserable in the process. Sometimes it's the best thing that could happen.

R.,
I can totally relate. My oldest (now 25)went through this kind of thing too. I think the new guy in your lives has a lot to do with it. It did for us.

My husband is not my son's father. We got married when he was 8. We spent many years with counselors. My son often would not answer or speak to my husband. The final counselor was the best, he specialized in underachievers, although he helped immensely with the family dynamics situation too. We had two more boys by then too. His advise to my husband was to find a project the two of them could do together (just them, not mom.) This was when my son was 14 and really 'being a teenager'. My son has an obsession with Deloreans (because of the movie back to the future, which he saw at just 3 and LOVED..)anyway, we obviously couldn't get a DeLorean, but my husband was very comfortable around VW Beetles. so we bought one as a project car for them. A 1972 super beetle, it didn't run, and needed lots of work. they spent over 2 years working on that car. The day it was finally ran was such a joyful, proud day for my son (& husband). And there had been LOTS of problems.

A project should be something they both enjoy, but more so your son. Maybe they could learn something new together.

My son is now totally into the VW's and rebuilding one on his own for show. He also bought an old VW (1970's) van and STILL loves the DeLoreans.

Good Luck
D.

Hi R.:

I'd love to hear the responses because my 14 year old daughter is always complaining too and not helping. Her father always calls her lazy. Will you post the results?
Look forward to hearing other moms feedback.

P.

my kids are under 6 so i have not dealt with this first hand but i can tell you as a child of divorced parents myself, he may really have a need to connect with his father, let him go if there are no concerns to safety and well being. boys definately need their dads, you will not be failing as a mother and you will not be losing your baby. consider a trial while schools out at least and see what happens, good luck!!

the best parenting book I have ever read is Dr Mike Bradley's "yes your teen is crazy" I wish I had had it when my kids were younger but I did read it when my youngest dd was 17--I tried one of the suggestions he had in the book during an arguement and to my absolute surprise (and hers I think) it worked! I also like Dr John Rosemunds approach in some ways--they are very different in approaches but I have used what works best for us from both. First, I would look very carefully at how your husband is behaving. It is too long of a story to get into but I made a major mistake of marrying the wrong man when my oldest was 12, she went to live with her father in NC at age 14 and then got pregnant a year later. I should never have let her step father treat her the way he did. I later divorced him when I saw the same pattern startign with my second dd and he started getting more and more abusive to me. I have been with a wonderful guy for 9 years now(they do exist!) my younger girls were 11 and 15 at the time(oldest was 19 and married by then) and he is always supportive but left the parenting to me--which is the only way to do it (unless the child is a toddler or younger and bio parent is not involved). Here is one example that we still laugh about: my partner was at home and i was not--middle dd had been at home for a couple hours after school and got a a call from a friend inviting her somewhere, she asked John if he thought it would be okay with me if she went--he knew that I was completely comfortable with this friend and her family so knew that would not be a problem but he said to her Well, I wouldn't want to be here when your Mom gets home and your chores are not done! He did not try to stop her or order her or yell at her for not doing her chores right after school--just reminded her of what the rules are in a non-threatening way. Even if the problem lies more in your son's behavoir than your husbands he still needs to be supprotive of you--not trying to be his parent--your son will only resent it. Try having rules and chores that everyone agrees to--a list of who is to do trash, dishes, lawn etc each day for you, husband , son and other kids if any. If it is all written down it makes it more objective. Then let him know very clearly what will happen if he does not do chores or follow rules--and then YOU must be the one to enforce them --NOT your husband. And you must be firm--don't give in no matter what--if you do then he knows he can manipulate you. My middle dd only had to lose something important twice to learn--youngest took a few more times(LOL!) But eventually they get it. Just don't make a big deal out of it. For ex, middle dd wanted to go to a special school event and she did not do her chores and she did not go--she begged and pleaded and threatened but she did not go. You can bet the next time something came up she did her chores! With the youngest it was more school than chores--if she did not get her school work done and good grades than I did not drive her anywhere she wanted to go. My sister takes away video games when her boys don't do their chores--my girls are not the least interested in those--so you have to find what means the most to him and take it away--with no anger--just be very matter of fact about it.
Also, I agree with the Mom on here who says to pay for grades. I don't think that is the best way but it can motivate some kids. The way I put it to my kids was that it is the parents job to work and pay the bills and organize the household and the kids job to do well in school so that they can be self-supporting as an adult(cause they are on their own then!) and everyone in the household has to do chores to keep the house running smoothly. I sat my girls down and showed them my budget--how much I made, how much for bills, how much I saved for emergencies, and then how much I got for allowance and how much they would get for allowance. I said if I don't work or do my chores I also won't get spending money or get to go out! They thought that was pretty funny that I would say that, and it helped them to see that they are part of the family. I was a single Mom for 4 years after the last disaster of a marriage and by t he time I met John I was really ready for a relationship and though it has not always been easy it has paid off--all of my girls appreciate and love John and are happy that we are together. They are very respectful of him.Though oldest dd did not get to live with him she is glad he is in our lives too-he is also good with the grand kids!

i think the lack of motivation and complaining is a natural teenage thing. I have a 14 year old daughter and all hell broke loose when she turned 13. She failed every class...was skipping class.....getting suspeneded...and to top it off she couldn't get along for even a moment with anyone in the house. We tried everything including therapy. The best thing we ever did was move her out of our home and in with family friends. Her grades became all a's and b's. She also has toned down the bad additude. Sometimes letting them see the grass is no greener on the other side does alot of good.

Welcome to the wonderful world of teenagers!!! Aren't they just the most fun people in the world??
Now, all kidding aside, I will be serious too, because I know you are suffering a serious problem.
First you have to take away all privelages. He goes nowhere, does not use the phone, can't use the internet, no video games, no CD player, MP, or television, and has assigned chores that must be done daily. You may have to invest in a child care provider who is willing to enforce your restrictions.
It sounds like depression and he may need therapy. Some of his actions sound like he is getting back at you for remarrying and taking away his right to be the man of the house.
I don't know what your relationship with your ex is. I would call him, tell him what the situation is and request his help in talking to your son. If he is a concerned parent the failing in school will get his attention. He probably isn't concerned about the relationship between your son and your new husband. It might be that spending a month with your ex, if he will enforce the no privelages, etc., method with your son and make it really tough on him while he is there will work in your favor.
I would see about getting him into a summer education program and if he doesn't do well he gets additional chores, no money, and his friends can't come around.

I will be praying for you.

Dear R.,

Send him. Only with age will he realize that his request may in fact have been the worst idea he ever had. However, as long as the "go live with dad" fantasy is in his head it will beat anything you can offer in the real world. It will also give you a measure of peace with your new husband :~).

God Bless,

S.

R.,

I have been told and I believe that there is a reason that God gives us children in the form of cute, cuddly babies...if we had them in the form of teenagers human race would long ago have been extinct!

I have had a teenager under my care since 1990 when my first son turn 13. My youngest will turn 20 in 2011, four kids the first three are boys so almost everything I learned I am now relearning the 4th time around. But there is one thing that is the same with all four of 'em, I can't change the inside, the feelings, the lack of motivation. I can only change the behavior. Hopefully by changing the behavior the inside will eventually come along with the outside. You know, the ol' you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink technique.

Sit down with him and tell him exactly what you expect from him and exactly what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow through with your expectations. Make sure your husband and his father are in on it. If you don't think your son will actually listen to you without a battle beginning, write it out, it might be a good idea to have it in writing anyway so it can referred back to later on. There won't be any, "I forgots". Be realistic about your expectations and your consequences. Is he really an A student? Or maybe a B- student. Is it more important to have his bed made everyday or the dishes washed? Pick your battles. Make the consequence appropriate for the offense and make sure it is something you can follow through on so you're not punishing yourself in the long run. If you want to ground him for three weeks make sure you can follow through for three weeks and not give in after 10 days. If you think you can only hold out for 10 days then only ground him for 10 days to begin with. The actual length of time isn't as important as the fact that you follow through with what you say and be consistant so he knows what to expect from you.

As for going to live with his father if that is what you and HIS father determine what is best, not your son, my suggestion is to make it clear to him that your homes do not have a revolving door. That he is to stay there a predetermined amount of time and then the issue of where he will live will be discussed again. Don't let him think HE is going to be making the decisions in his life. Remember, he is only 15.

Good luck. None of this is gonna be fun whatever you decide to do. One because you'er dealing with a pain in the butt teen age boy and two you're dealing with your X.

J.

Hi R.,
I've been there with my son who is now 18. I sent him to live with his father when he was @ the same age as your son.. He had started cutting classes, not turning in his homework, and he staying out at night! etc... I too have a husband that isnt his father...but he never disrespected him- talking back- fighting or anything like that... he barely spoke...

so I sent him to live with his dad in Mississippi. it was a culture shock! he said that his old school was live "heaven" compared to his new school. there was not a lot to do where they lived and they did not have open campus at lunch time like his former school. they ate lunch with their class! LOL!

His dad kept him real close and it was almost like bootcamp, no freedom at all compared to when he was here.. not that he had a lot of freedom but there was a lot more to do and to get into here.

send him to live with his dad. they always think the grass is greener on the other side. if dad is a responsible person, and you can trust him.. send him... he will see a dad that isnt always giving him fun times, when they visit, but one who is a disciplanrian. he will most likely have to do chores, and be more respectful and obedient. he will come to appreciate you and his step dad more once he spends time there. also hopefully his dad will reinforce him going to school. send him!

my son came back last year more respectful and appreciative after spending almost 2 years away... he did end up sliding back into the old habits though...not doing his homework and messing up that way... with just 1 semester left in school! but..he is graduating this thursday... . he does plan on going to community college in the fall...so I cant be too disappointed...I still havent figured out a way to motivate him..I am considering asking someone to mentor him... like a big brother...that I trust and admire as a big brother for him...

I hope things work out - send him! let me know what happens

God Bless!

D.
email: ____@____.com

I have a 16 the same way....helphelphelphelphelp!!!!!! I don't know what to do!!!!

He must be upset and acting out over something. Have there been any changes in his life? Has he experienced a loss of a friend or relative? Is he having a hard time with peers at school? Do you think he's failing at school because he doesn't apply himself? Perhaps there's a bigger issue behind his learning. If he has trouble reading, he may have a form of dyslexia. I think there are about 75 different kinds that affect reading, comprehension, listening, etc.

I would try getting him into family counseling. There are sliding scale therapists and often they will cut you a deal or help you with a payment plan if money is an issue.

I might also suggest getting him involved in things in the community. Perhaps by giving back to others he can learn he is important and has value. Sometimes volunteering or getting a big brother from Big Brothers Big Sisters helps. Try getting him involved in community events like SOCAP, helping the MDA, working with children from foster homes like Knoll House or Crossroads, etc.

Ahhhh, I understand so well! Mine is nearly 14 and is already like this. I tell him to take the trash out he moans, I tell him to put his laundry away he moans. Moan, moan moan about evvvverrrrything! However, I do know I was the same way and turned out okay, I can remember many arguments with my mom because I did not want to vacuum or this or that. And although i may be razzed for this I believe a child should earn money for their grades, school is a full time job for our kids and I think they should be rewarded for doing well. Have you tried paying him for his grades? We went through the grade issues when our son began middle school, we took him around town and showed him where he may be when he is grown if this path was what he chose for his life. We drove passed McDonalds and pointed out the middle aged man pushing a trash can to the dumpster and some other places where we knew low income workers would be, each time we explained to him about what we thought they may be earning for their job. How much of that money that person would have left after he paid his rent, etc. Then we drove through a neighborhood and showed him where he may be living one day if he continued on that path. I have to say it worked very well!! He went back to being an honor roll student and has been since. He understands that if he wants to do well his entire life then he starts with his grades. Now about the laziness with chores, etc. i can't help you with that but when I find the magical answer I'll let you know. But maybe you should give allowing him to live with his father some thought, he is at that age where he really needs his dad. Wishing the best for you!

Obviously I don't know your situation, but maybe at this age living with is father would be best? I had a friend when I was younger who was acting up and her parents took EVERYTHING but a mattress and sheets out of her room. She couldn't watch TV, she couldn't see her friends, she had a few books they approved of, and that was it. After a week she got a few things back but she had to help around the house and couldn't complain about it. It was a long process, but it did change her.
We have a friend who had to go as far as taking his son to look at military schools before Julius realized his dad was serious and started to get his grades back up. The damage was done, there's no way he'll go to anything but a community college for a year or two, but at least he's going to continue his education, a couple years ago, that didn't seem to be a prospect.

Good Luck:)

hey R.

if you have tried talking to him the maybe u want to lookin to him at lest spending summers with is father tell him he needs to improve his grades and attude and will be talking with his father about it/ our just let him go but i would work with him first. my older sister went horugh the same thing but he left after high but he did go for summers before at a time a young boy just want to and need there father not saying that his stepdad is not doing a good job but he wants his realy one even if it hurts them the need to understand life as they grow and if u want to send him this summer have him do summer school before he guys so u know that the main oal is to improve is education before its to let pray about pray over him, he wil come home dont worry i hope that helps good luck

I R.,
I don't know if I can really help out, my girls are ages 12years, 10 years and 2years my two older ones are harder to get motivated unless it comes down to something they want to do or just want. When school just got out, they immediately wanted us to put a pool up for them. The pool we had was all torn up so we told them if they want a pool, they have to work for it and earn it. They did chores and their grades were doing great, because they had to keep them up ahead of time, they went and had themselves a few lemonade stands, and they paid for their own pool. They want and need other things, I told them that they have to keep on working for it. This is the only way we can make them respect and take care of anything they want. It gives them pride and makes them feel really good about themselves that they did this, that they are capable of taking care of themselves. All my other sisters have boys and a few are adults now, I remember how most of them were really lazy and wanted "MOMMY" to do everything for them, now "Mommy" can't and they have to do it themselves. 2 of my nephews used to play mind games with my sister, one is 17 now and the other is 13 and they both have gotten into trouble with the law so they can be sent back to their dads or get into trouble with their dad or at their dads to be sent back home to their mom. Just because they didn't get along or like the person that their parents were with. Its just a trip and they will play as long as you let them. Always keep your feet planted and let them know whos boss, when I was like that with my nephews they knew that I was for real and nothing was gonna change my mind. My girls try a few things to have me give into them, but I know once I do, they will hold it against me and will really try to play h*** o* my heart. I let them know I care and I love them and I will listen as long as they do. But one thing for sure is I am MOM and I know what is usually the best of choice for them. When they turn 18 is when they can make their own choices other than college of course. So other than that they know that they can't push me too far.
I hope some of this helps...Good Luck!

R.,
That's my middle name spelled the same way. To cool! I am 34 years old newly married for two years, I have a 19 year old daughter. Teenagers are not at all motivated! My daughter does work a part time job and goes to college part time, so when she comes home she whines and moans if god forbid I ask her to unload the dishwasher. I don't ask much but when I do she moans and complains usually wjile she does it. Have you ever thought that he is acting out because of the new husband? When my hubby and I first got together she would try to argue and fight with him. At our wedding 7 years later she was happy and loves him very much. She did not have a father to run away to. Have you tried talking to him and asking him what is wrong. Teenagers have to feel like no matter what they say you are going to listen, understand, and care. You can not get loud,judgemental, or parent like. My daughter and I have always had a open relationship. I always told her she was a person to who has feelings and opinions of her own and I want to know what they are. Second you have got to stop your husband from arguing with the boy. That just makes him hate him more. I never let my husband punish or argue with her I would not do that with his child I'm not her mom. Your son is thinking in his head he don't have to listen to your husband thats not his dad. Your husband should respect that and get to know the child and let the child get to know him if there is a confrontation between the two you need to handle it. Be fair and honest about whos in the wrong you may have to act like they are both kids. Sometimes husbands are stupid to. Adults don't know everything and it helps to admit that to children so they knowyou are a person to. It took my daughter 5 years to start liking my husband now she loves him! Try to get his father involved in getting to the bottom of his issues to. If he sees everyone cares he will come around. Good luck and don't ever give up on your kid.

You have only been married for 1 year. I don't know how long you dated first but your son has been yours for 15 years. How long were you with his dad? Did you all live as a family? When you answer some of these questions, that may help with the situation. Did he take care of you before this other man came into your life? If none of those things are the issue then would letting him live with father for a summer or school year be too bad? Sometimes we don't miss what we had/have until we are faced with a new situation. If it could be any of the issues above, I would handle that first before I allowed him to go with his father on a trial basis. Good luck with your situation and I hope this helps....even a little.

Hi R.. Welcome to the teenage club. I wish there was an easy answer. I have a 13 yr old daughter that is so far a straight A student, but not motivated at all and complains about helping out in the house. I also have 2 stepsons. One that is 20 and another 17. The 20 yr old lived with us off and on throughout the 4 yrs that we have been married, but 100% for about 6 months. The 17 yr old is a totally different story. He lived with us 100% for about 6 months and it was horrible. He was failing out of school, didn't do anything in the house and made everyone's lives miseareable. We ended up letting him move back in with his mom. He is still doing lousy and not doing well in school, but ultimately, he made his choice and now has to live with his decision.
So tough love is really the only answer it seems with teenagers. It is h*** o* everyone involved, but when they grow a bit, they will come to realize the errors(s) of their ways and appreciate you more for it.
I hope this helps and you get through it!!

Oh my dear, How difficult these years can be. I will pray for you and your family. Is your son resentful of your new husband? Does your husband argue back? (Not to be mean but arguing with a teenager is rather like arguing with a drunk, it is pointless. It won't happen overnight, but do you have an adult family friend whose wisdom and counsel you trust who can spend time with your son? He needs some kind of mentor and/or perhaps counseling. Teenageitis is common and difficult but there are things to do. It is very important that your husband not respond in anger to your son. Dont know if this helps but I pray it will.

You got married one year ago. How did your husband and he get along before you got married. Did you make sure that he was okay with the marriage before you tied the knot? Did you ask him what he felt, give him input, because you were BOTH marrying, not just you? Forgive me if it sounds a bit personal, but a family member got married without considering her child and it affected the child greatly. You did not say how long you have been divorced, but if you allowed your son to step into the role of the man of the house, your best friend, someone you leaned on, then consider how he must feel now. I am of the complete belief that when parents with children want to get married, they have to make the child or children the priority in that process. Just because you got married doesn't mean instant family. If there are children from his side, doesn't make them his automatic siblings. They are not related. He perhaps feels that you have left him behind, especially if your husband is controlling, or is trying to be the father. Take your son out, just you and him and allow him to be honest without consequence, even if it's not what you want to hear. Tell your husband to stop trying to be the parent. Period. Because he's not. Any discipline you need to be the one to ground him, not your husband. Look, you have three years and he will be gone. Do you really want those three years to be a negative memory for him? Is this yours to fix? Yes.

I have a friend who had the same problem with her daughter. She got tired of fighting her and sent her to her father's. She lived with him and his current wife for little over a year and then was back with her mom. Things were not as green on the other side as she thought they would be. Maybe that's what you need to do. Explain the situation to your ex (if he is not aware of it by now, and ship your son off to him, if he would have him.

I am a mother of 3 boys and a girl. My boys are 25,15,and 10. My oldest went through what you are describing and is now in the last few years "growing up". HE is now in the air force and about to become a father in September. His high school years were awful. We did not know what we were doing. We tried working with the schools. They did the bare minimum and still will only do the minimum today. My husband is not his father so that probably played a role in it. He never knew his father (he is alive). He was diagnosed at 20 with ADHD but now wew are not certain if that was a correct diagnosis. He has obstructive sleep apnea which may have contributed to it. We made a lot of mistakes with him and now am dealing with another difficult 15 year old. I ahve tried to look back at what I did with #1 and learn from those experiences. I have learned a lot but each child is different and boys are different than girls which it makes it hard for us mothers to understand our boys. There are 2 books I am recommending that will help you see your son in a different light. The first is Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax and other is The Mind of Boys by Michael Gurian. Both can be found at the library. If look at my high school, the majority of kids on the honor and merit rolls are girls. More and more boys are becoming turned off by school. Thus is also happening in the work place. This isn't something that has happened overnight. This goes back many decades.(Late 50's to 60's) Schools are more appealing to girls than boys. Girls respond by pleasing someone. Boys don't care about those things. I would not send your son away to his father with any unfinished business where you are. These 15 year olds are still kids who are learning how "this world" works and think they don't need us but deep down they are crying for help. If you are part of a church find a good family counselor through them. It is good to have a mediator who will help each one of you understand what is going on in the family unit. My friend went with her family (w 2 boys) and it has helped her boys be more "thoughtful" and more accountable for their own behavior. I could go on about this topic. I am very disturbed that schools are not recognizing that more boys are disconnecting from school than ever before. Graduating rates are dropping and they are mostly boys. There is hope. PLease do not give up on him.