"He Had a Vision"

He's a control freak, like my husband. What you said about cooking clarified it for me. I would point out how ridiculous it is to have a "vision" for an Easter basket. My husband constantly criticizes my cleaning. He redoes it, basically putting things into OCD piles. I don't think overreacted at all.

If my husband told me I was ungrateful, a spoiled child, and was looking for a fight I would have told him to shut up.
And I wouldn't apologize for it.

It sounds like you did just fine with the basket. If he had "a vision" of what he wanted it to look like, he should have either put it together himself or communicated to you exactly what he wanted it to look like.

yikes!! you and your husband need help.

Do you two know how to communicate with each other?
Does he not know your history?

You both owe each other an apology. You exploded, rightfully so, because he was being an a** and he because he didn't communicate just what he thought an Easter Basket should be.

If he takes over cooking? I swear to God, I would probably take a pan to his head. Sorry. But this just an all-around bad situation.

My husband told me to shut up ONCE. He was drunk. it was the last time he did that. If he did it again? It would not be a pretty scene. How utterly disrespectful.

he puts you down regularly? I would put the kabash on that one. Tell him we go to marriage counseling or it's over. Not an ultimatum but the facts. You deserve better than that and your child deserves a set of parents that respect each other and can communicate without putting each other down.

Good luck!!

First World Problems..

Yes, I always have "the Vision" in my mind, so I get off my butt and make it happen..

If he feels like he can do a better job, he needs to take care of this stuff from now on...

I am sure you did a great job..

All of you need to stop and remember the real reason for this season is not Easter baskets , candy and rabbits..

When you all attend church in the morning, hold hands and pray for each other and all of the blessings in your life.

I think it's probably a combo too.
I mean it's not like this is a "marriage counseling" issue.
I'm sure you put together a lovely Easter basket.
Maybe it's time to read the Easter story again...?

First, he says something as insulting as "it's not that hard." He might as well have called you dense or useless. Then, he told you to SHUT UP? Wow. My husband would never say that to me, and I would never ever stand for it. I don't care if you DO owe him an apology for something, he owes you BIG time. There were a million other things he could have said, and he tells you to shut up? Just wow.

No, I bet your mood/frustration and blowing up didn't help. Of course, it didn't. However, I put shut up right up there with a spouse calling another one stupid, or something like that. It's so dismissive and demeaning. I hope he apologizes big time.

You had a legitimate gripe, and exploding wasn't the best way to do that. BUT, he took it too far. He insulted your intelligence and told you to shut up. Too far. Does he often insult you and degrade you? Your marriage needs help, in my opinion.

Combo, though I'm on your side. Good job for trying to do your best with something with which you are unfamiliar! Perhaps he should adjust his "visions" and learn to compromise. YOU put in the effort. High fives. And it's just Easter ... it comes every year, perhaps you both could make a list for next year. Live and learn. Hugs, and happy Easter. :)

(Btw, I may be alone in this, but I can't stand those Peeps. Ugh. Rubber marshmallows. Yuck. Give me chocolate any day.)

Are you guys seeing a marriage counselor? This seems to be bigger than an arguement over baskets. There seems to be underlying issues of control and belittling. This needs to change ASAP for you, H, and especially your daughter.

He doesn't have visions, he has unrealistic expectations. He either needs to write down exactly what he wants or allow you the freedom you need to make decisions like an adult. I would be having a serious conversation, although this might not be a time for you to do that with your PMS.

Talk with your marriage counselor about unrealistic expectations. H sounds like a woman who thinks her H can read her mind. It's a losing proposition.

I have a friend who's H retired early. She can't do anything without him redoing it. She loads the dishwasher and turns it on. He will come in and stop it, redo and put in more and start it again. She feels very put out by that. I told her, I would load it with my dishes only, turn it on and wait for him! What a crazy power struggle.

Good luck, I think your baskets were great!

Easter basket aside, it sounds like you two have really big problems in your marriage with respect. And that these issues run so deep even seeminly trivial incidents trigger huge emotional responses. Try to get clarity in your thoughts so you can tell him the reason you were triggered to react with such strong emotion is because of his disrespect towards you in general.
I am also person with vision. I like certain creative project to be done just so. So I do them myself or am extremely detailed in my instructions. If it turns out a flop I think to MYSELF, "not everyone is creative, oh well, I need to let it go."

I think you will get a lot of people who say you overreacted because it is on the surface a trivial incident. But repeated disrespect and belittling, tendencies to rush to wrong conclusion and think the worst in your spouse are HUGE problems in a marriage.

My advice. Gather your thoughts. Warn him you need to speak to him about your marriage so you don't blind side him. Its okay to use examples like the one above, but don't make it about the incident, make it about the big picture of your marriage and needing to feel cherished and appreciated.

it's a combo to me too. But if you have been holding in a bit of resentment (sounds like you are) I am not surprised by your reaction. I don't know if you can change it, but he seems to be a bit of a perfectionist. He should realize this, however and not blame you for not being able to read his mind.

He was wrong. If the store was out, I don't know what you were supposed to do. Also, telling you to shut up is highly inappropriate. Why doesn't he just run out to the store again if he wants to add something?

Sorry to criticize your husband, but he sounds like a rude control freak.

But if he's the type that can never see he's wrong and won't apologize, I don't know how you're going to solve this.

"His visions" = major control freak and perfectionist, which is the real reason behind the basket incident and probably many of your issues. I am not sure if he'll ever change in that regard. Was he not like this before you married and had kids? In any event, I probably would've reacted the same as you did, and yes, I think he was an arse. Now, I guess my question is... can you put up with it until you die?

Absolutely re-read MomfromMN's post below. She nailed it.

The issue here is NOT the Easter basket.

The issue is his reflexive insistence on controlling you and your choices; on belittling you over something as utterly unimportant as candy; on the fact that this is not just a one-time thing but a clear pattern in how he treats you.

Reread MomfromMN's post and please look into counseling immediately -- If you put it off, your daughter is going to see more and more of this behavior from your husband and is going to grow up believing that this is the normal way for a couple to interact over totally minor things. It's not. There are big, waving red flags in this seemingly silly situation; please heed them and ask yourself the questions that MomfromMN lists. Do you really want to go on with these tiny things causing him to make you feel you're doing things "wrong"? And...what happens later when you're making the "wrong" choices about your child's schooling, or friendships, or how she does homework....and he takes over because he always knows best? There are much bigger and vastly more serious issues coming your way, and what are now little things -- how you cook, how you fill a basket -- are going to be replaced by his having the same "I can do it better myself because YOU don't do it right" attitude about these much bigger issues like your child's choice of activities, her interests, your own desire to pursue new things....

Depend on it -- it will happen with larger things if it happens now with small ones. Please heed Mom's advice and see the bigger picture beyond this Easter basket.....

'Visions' are all good and well but if he's not communicating exactly what he wants and he doesn't plan far enough ahead to make them come true - then the reason his 'visions' fail is all on him.
Lack of planning on his part does not make an emergency on your part.
I probably would have blown up at him too if this was the 3rd or 4th time this happened.
He knew Easter was coming 2 weeks ago.
WHY did he not begin gathering what he needed for this basket then?
This stuff appears on store shelves around St Patrick's Day and often before that.
So if you have a calendar - make a note on it now for next year for 2 weeks in advance of Easter 'Gather materials for Easter basket' and see if you can get a definitive list from him of exactly what he wanted for this year so you have the list on your reminder for next year.

With a little communication and planning, you can head some of these things off.
For other bombs he drops on you with little or no warning - calmly inform him that you can't read minds and if he can't or won't tell you exactly what he wants far enough in advance then there's nothing YOU can do about it.
If he wants to take some things over, I'd let him - and I'd leave the room and go do something else - laundry, take a bath, what ever - just disengage in what ever he's doing and let him sink or swim on his own.
If something turns out right - tell him what a good job he did.
If something doesn't turn out, don't say anything.
If it's something you want to do and you don't want his 'help', I'd tell him 'This is MY project. I love you but you need to butt out right now until I'm finished." and then suggest something else he could be working on in the mean time (take out the trash, vacuum the car, clean the garage/basement, etc).
He's trying to be a micro manager (or control freak) but he's not organized enough to pull it off.
It's not easy to live with.

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Control-Freak

You haven't been married very long. These are the kinds of arguments we once had early in our marriage. Have a few more kids and you both will be to busy to have visions or disappointments about such silly things. Go talk with one another.

I think that you should have both gone to the store several days ago and picked up all the stuff you needed for the baskets then. I am preaching to the choir because I forgot to get stuff while we were in town today too. I did get baskets and the prefilled Hello Kitty eggs and the ones that have peace signs on them. The kids will have stuff to hunt but alas, the bunny is not stopping here tonight either.

yeah, it's a combo. he should have been grateful that you went out and figured out how to pull together a tradition unfamiliar to you, and you could have rolled your eyes and walked away from his ingratitude.
but i have to say, as a younger mom i'd probably have been right there with you. i remember actually saying to my poor dh on one particularly crabby easter morning that i wanted good chocolate, not bargain basement stuff. he STILL nails me with that one.
it was a low point, i have to admit. but i've mellowed a lot.
if one person has a vision that they absolutely cannot stand to have deviated in any fashion, that person needs to put in the footwork.
okay, so i'm actually more on your side than his. and telling you to shut up was uncool too, although you were kinda mean.
but this is not a divorce-level issue, is it? wait until you're calm, explain why this frosted your nuggets so, apologize for exploding, and hope he reciprocates with sincerity.
and offers to do all the easter baskets henceforth.
khairete
S. (who now guarantees quality chocolate by buying it herself)

Okay, it's an Easter Basket ... not life & death ... both of you need to respect each other more it seems and maybe you should have gone together.

I too grew up not celebrating Easter, American/Hallmark or Religious and now participate with my fiance's families American/Hallmark traditions. To be honest, I find it silly, but do not want to "poo poo" their traditions so I do my part. We have a mutual respect regarding these things.

This is tough to deal with. To me what I see is that it has nothing to do with the Easter basket. It's looks like it's about the dynamics between you and your husband.

I have totally been in similar situations like this (with my stbx) so I know how upsetting and hurtful it feels. First, he discounts your efforts and insults you with the "it shouldn't be that hard" comment. Ouch, not nice. And then telling you to "shut up" is just WRONG.

Your actions also say something IMO. You're hurt and don't feel respected and this is not the first time something like this has happened, right? I totally get that as well.

I too have exploded at my husband for being an arse. One time he criticized me on my cleaning skills and I lost it by telling him to "get out of here" while, I might add, throwing a plastic bowl of scrambled eggs across the room.

It sounds like you might be at the point where I was 10 yrs ago. I agree with others in saying that 2 wrongs don't make a right. But you also get to a point where you just lose it and snap. After all, you ARE human and can only take so much cr*p. Throwing scrambled eggs in my case was wrong but it sure felt pretty good, I have to admit :)

Things to consider asking yourself:
How is your husband on a regular basis with other disagreements?
Do you consider the disrespectful comments to be a pattern?
Is so, do you react OR respond?
How does your FIL treat your MIL?
Is it similar to how your husband treats you?

Just some things to look at because like I mentioned, this didn't happen just because you bought m&m's.

I would suggest therapy for yourself and then maybe joint therapy if you can get your husband to go with you. The other suggestion I have is what someone else mentioned. Disengage when things get heated. Try not to lower yourself to his level. That will only make things worse. You dont want to react to what he is saying, just respond when you're calm and explain how he made you feel.

For me after many years I didn't want an apology because it was meaningless. If your husband is going to apologize he has to mean it and stop the disrespectful attitude. If he tells you to "shut up" tomorrow then his apology was pointless. See what I'm saying? If you have to ask him for it then he's not really sorry.

Lastly, please read "Boundaries" by Townsend & Cloud. It will help you both but will also help you teach him how you want to be treated.

HTH!

Good luck!

Well, here is what I think--if you never put an Easter basket together before, then, of course, you won't know what to get and all. And driving all over heck and gone trying to find things. I think little ones don't care--as long as they get basket with goodies. And I think your husband totally over reacted. Belittling you over such a silly thing. Tell him next time, if he don't like it do it himself and keep his mouth shut. Trust me-she will be happy with a basket with neat goodies of food and non food stuff. I think it's neat you got it together. Doesn't have to be big. If someone expect something big, then they are being greedy.
hope my opionion helps you!

Oh, and a thought here--next year, go to the store together and pick things out together instead of doing it by yourself. If he wants lots of things, he should participate in the choosing. Same thing with Christmas and sock stuffers. If he wants to have some control, have him help you pick things out. That way, you and him can work together as a couple and both can be happy.

Everyone else has basically said what I want to say. I just want to reiterate that being unable to disagree respectfully is a big red flag, in any case. He may have control issues that you can work through, but his respect issues will only get worse as you get deeper into the marriage. You need to address those now.

Best of luck.

If he "had a vision," he should have either given you a detailed list of what was needed to materialize his vision or done the shopping his own damn self.

If you are still married next year, I'd tell him when he says he wants Easter baskets that you had a vision and it was that HE was the one driving all over kingdom come buying the Easter basket. When he fusses, ignore him.

Dawn

I agree that it's a combo. It's a matter of 2 different perspectives. His is the traditional basket loaded with eggs, candy, and probably small Easter toys. Your's sounds like a more modern version. I think next time should be a fun combination of both unless you prefer he do the basket. I would also say, your DH probably wanted to be able to eat stuff out of the basket as well, so it really wasn't just for your child. I was blessed with a son that doesn't care too much for candy and doesn't like chocolate. My DH doesn't care, except for Halloween I have to make sure I get candy he likes. Men can be such big kids at times. I've always got a little candy and mostly small toys, video game, and movies my son likes. I spoiled him by giving him 2 baskets and the tradition of "hidding" the baskets, and DS having to find the basket by hunting for plastic eggs with clues inside, came out of a neccessity to keep the cat from eating the Easter grass. A typical basket in our house was filled with....3 real Easter eggs, a package of Jelly Belly jelly beans or Starburst flavored jelly beans, 1 movie, 2 Nintendo games, 1 or 2 Bakugans, 1 pack of chewing gum, and 1 ring pop. Also, I always bought 1 stuffed, soft bunny for his bunny collection. DS didn't want a basket this year, since he's a teenager....Ok.....So I dyed 8 eggs figuring I could eat them and put them in a bowl.....with a stuffed bunny holding the bowl...there I said it. Had to have something. The eggs are going to be pitched, since I discovered the dye went completely threw the eggs when I went to make an egg sandwich! Augh!!!!! I was so hungry for hard boiled eggs. It was so bad, you couldn't tell if the shell was still on the egg or not. Back to the old way of dying eggs...No more 24K egg kit for me.

Your vision is just as important as his. Let him know you respect his vision, and then use the same thing on him in response. Tell him you have your own vision too that he needs to respect as well. Something simple like cleaning or shopping, whoever is doing it should follow their own vision. If it's something more meaningful or important, start communicating by sharing each others visions, and coming up with an agreed upon compromise.