Having a Hard Time Keeping My Cool

hello, ms vetmom! i've been wondering how you were doing!
i'm sorry the ongoing battles haven't abated. sometimes it seems as if we just don't give birth to kids who have personalities that mesh with our own, and this seems to be the case with you and your DD.
doesn't change anything, though. the love is still there, and so is the need to parent appropriately.
you're a working mom so your energy, patience and time are strained. but you really do have to figure out a way to break the cycle of exhaustion, meltdowns and yelling. it's been going for years now. and she's a child. she's not the one who's going to fix this. it has got to be you.
if the piano is interfering with her schoolwork, it has to go. i absolutely agree that music is important for kids (i've got a music major) but all kids can't do all things. whatever benefit she's getting from the piano lessons are more than being canceled out by the fights with her mom and the overwhelmed-ness it's creating with her schoolwork.
but the piano lessons aren't the root of the problem. it's this pattern that you've created and allowed to become cemented into place. you order her to do something. she ignores you. you order more loudly. she actively defies you. you break and start yelling and yoinking things away, she melts down and starts screaming. both of you storm away from each other.
i admire you for recognizing both that your methods aren't working, and that your own exhaustion is contributing to the disharmony. i love how badly you continue to want to correct it.
maybe you should try to frame it around a work paradigm. if someone was bringing you a puppy week after week, and they were unable to train it or deal with it calmly, and the puppy was unruly and reactive and the owner helpless and frustrated, what would you do?
you are a concerned hardworking mom, and i think you have fears that getting some family counseling would a) take up time you don't have and b) be an admission of failure. but look at it this way. your daughter is growing up, and in a very few more years your influence will wane, and whatever patterns you've established in her psyche will be there for her to live and cope with. i'm sure there's lots of positive in that- but there's also this ongoing drama and breakdowns in communication.
all of the advice here has not yet availed you. so i truly think it's time you bite the bullet and allow a calm professional to help you develop the tools you need to communicate quietly and lovingly to your child. it won't be a quick fix, nor an easy one.
but so, so important.
what i would love to see is you here more often, having successfully navigated some of your ongoing challenges, and helping other young parents benefit by your experience.
i love to see you here, but not just asking for the same help for the same issues. please don't take this as a slam. it's not that i'm not delighted to see you here- i truly am- but you're not applying the suggestions that have been proffered to you over and over again. so just asking how to be more positive isn't what you need.
this is your child. don't let this unhealthiness continue. get the tools, do the work, and PLEASE stay here and keep us updated with how it's going.
i don't have answers for you, but i have your back, girlie. i'm rooting for you!
khairete
S.

She is tired and worn out and she is yelling, and you are tired and worn out so you are yelling. Sounds like you both have the same problem.

You may have to scale back on the extracurricular activities. And I agree that if, in 2nd grade, she has so much homework that it's causing this much stress, that you should tell the teacher that it's too much homework and she needs to scale back. As someone below said, research shows it's not productive, at that age.

One thing I have discovered as a teacher is the power of staying calm. I am astonished at what I can get kids to do, with minimal talking, as long as I calmly and succinctly state my command, and never respond to argument. I wish I had been a teacher before I became a parent. The whole thing would have been easier.

When you lose it and engage in irrational screaming matches, nothing gets accomplished, and you lose control. Decide what you want your daughter to do, state it calmly and simply, and then repeat if necessary. But do not respond to argument or try to reason with her or give her lessons about how she should have done her homework at this time or that location. That is futile.

In hindsight, a 7 year old's homework falls under the category of small stuff that I wish I hadn't sweated (or argued with my kids about).

Be calm, ignore tantrums, she'll be fine.

Homework with a second grader is a parent-child activity. This is something the two of you should be doing together at the kitchen table.

I understand wanting her to be more independent. She will be ... In a year or two. Very few 7/8 year olds would be able to work as independently as you are asking.

Right now, just accept the fact that this is something you need to supervise totally. She might be able to do most of the work without your help, but you need to be there to keep her on task.

That seems like a lot for a 7 year old. I know other moms M. disagree, but after a full day of school and then lessons, maybe she needs some downtime.

Anyway, if your goal is to get one assignment completed, I would sit with her while she works through the assignment and not expect complete independent learning. I would also try a small incentive like a TV show or special snack if she can complete it.

Nice to see you back, but wish it weren't because you're having problems. Anyway, here's my advice, having already raised two kids through school. I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

Your daughter is very headstrong. That's something you already know - you've shared that with us in the past. She's also a drama queen. That's not a dig of any sort - it's just the truth. (You know that, too.) Headstrong drama queens do their dead level best to push people's buttons. And mama, you're her favorite person to do it to. She gets to spar with you and negotiate with you, trying to get her way. Maybe she'll be a lawyer one day. It will make her a success as a lawyer, but is terribly frustrating for everyone around her as a child.

She is screaming for limits, and even though you're trying to give them to her, you're going about it the wrong way.

She is only 7. You need to sit down with her at the table and help her with her homework. You are wrong to think that she is supposed to do this by herself and all this arguing you are doing with her is exacerbating the problem between you two. You're giving her an excuse to act badly. For your OWN sake and so that she can see that you are not going to focus solely on her, read your own book beside her and turn to her and answer her questions.

If you two simply can't get along during homework time (is that the REAL issue?), then change her after-school care arrangement. Find a program that has all the kids sit down and do homework together, with an adult walking around checking their progress and answering questions. Obviously her after-school care doesn't include that, or if it does, they don't make them do their homework.

You need to stop yelling at her. When she has a tantrum, put her in her room and tell her that she can't come out until she stops. Don't let her come out until she apologizes. I know that some people disagree with making a child apologize, but this is my opinion. Your daughter needs consequences for putting you through a tantrum. She's doing it to try to get her way. She should not be able to leave her room without making the apology. Now, mom, this is NOT the same as making her go to bed early because she won't do her homework. It's totally different. This gives HER the power to control her "destiny". She can come out of her room when she isn't crying anymore and apologizes. She has NO incentive to straighten out her behavior if you tell her she has to go to bed. All she will want to do is scream you into oblivion.

When she DOES straighten up and come out, you need to lead her back to the table and tell her to start where she left off on the homework. Pick up your book again. (No cell phone, no i-pad, no computer. A book.) Ignore her whining and frustration. Don't engage with that. ONLY engage with questions about the actual work. Say things like "Look up the definition of the word in your book. See the dictionary? What letter does the word start with? Okay, find the D's in the dictionary. What's the second letter? etc, etc, etc. All of a sudden she's having to think about your direction. Say it with as little emotion as possible.

If she refuses to do the homework, tell her that she will need to go back to her room. She will be crying, and that's fine. She can come back out when she's not crying anymore. Do it over and over. Even if it takes a week to get her to realize that she will either be in her room crying, or getting her homework done with you sitting beside her, reading your book.

If she doesn't get the homework done, then you don't bail her out. She goes to school without it done. You need to go to the teacher and ask for her to hold your daughter accountable for not doing homework. She should lose privileges. She should have to sit by herself and watch all the other children play during recess. I promise you that if she has NO friends to play with or talk to at recess, she will start wanting to get that homework done.

You need to take emotion out of the equation when dealing with her on this. You matter-of-factly tell her that she has to cry in her room. You don't fight with her. You just take her there and shut the door. You don't stand outside of that room. If she won't stay in there, turn the doorknob around and lock it from the inside.

It will be harder before it will get easier. She will test your resolve - a lot. But you owe it to her to do this.

About the ipad or any other tech gadgets: don't give her an inch with any of them. She needs to do her homework in the kitchen. Nowhere else. NO music. No gadgets of any kind. You were foolish to have given them to her in the first place - you KNOW that when you give her an inch, she takes a mile. That's what headstrong kids do. She ONLY gets the privilege of doing this after all her work is done. You NEVER say to her "If you do your homework, you can have the ipad." Instead, you say to her "I will let you spend some time with the ipad after all your homework is done. However, there will be NO ipad time if you don't finish your homework by 7:00." That gives her a carrot AND a stick. She STILL has an incentive - you haven't taken away the ipad for bad behavior - you're already putting her in her room for that. Instead, she can get herself back on track by watching the clock.

You ask how to not let all the drama get to you. The way you do that is to STOP YELLING. Just put her in her room when she starts a meltdown. Walk away. Let her come back in when she has stopped the tantrum provided she apologizes. Sit her back down. Over and over til she gets it in her head that nothing will change. Be dispassionate about it. If it's after 7:00, NO tech gadgets of any kind. Including TV.

I hope that you have the wherewithal to do this. If you don't, you'll just continue to be at loggerheads with her. She has learned that she gets attention from you by fighting with you. Even negative attention is attention. Stop giving it to her the way you've been doing.

Why don't you sit with her and help her get it done and talk her through it? That's what I have to do with my son. It goes much faster that way. If I just left it up to him to do everything on his own, that would never happen. You just say, come on honey, lets get your pencil and paper and you get your homework ad I'll sit next to you and we'll get it done really quick then we both can relax. Good luck.

The after care our son went to had homework time and EVERYONE works on their homework.
The kids like getting it done so it's over - also they can't play any video games until it's finished.
The parents like having it finished before pick-up time.
It's a win-win.
Have a talk with after care and see if THEY can lean on her to get to work on her homework.
Every once in a great while they can't work on it till they get home but it should be rare.

Our son's in 10th grade now and enjoys archery.
But I tell him school work comes first and his work HAS to be done before the fun - otherwise we're not going to archery.
He gets it done!

For a 7 yr old, she might have too much on her plate.
Consider dropping piano lessons and other activities until an acceptable homework routine is in place.
Homework gets done in a public place in the house - not in bedroom.
No tv or games or any fun till homework is completed neatly.
Cross stitch it and hang it on a wall:
"THE QUICKEST WAY TO FUN IS TO GET THE WORK DONE".

Do your best to ignore the tantrums.
Get ear plugs.
Then tell her "Look, you could have finished by now instead of wasting time pitching a fit. Get over it and get to work. Screaming at me isn't going to get you what you want.".
And then walk away.

Couple of ideas right off the bat:

1) I would do the homework with her together in the kitchen or wherever, without distractions. I think you should be there helping her. Make yourself a cup of tea, drown out the noise from the rest of the house, and give her a snack - and take your time. Sometimes I sit and read a magazine .. just chilling out with them, but answer their questions and review it to make sure they get it.

2) if you want the after school care program to do school work with her, can you inquire? My sister's kids did that, and she still sat and reviewed it with them when they got home.

3) if she's had a full day of school, then after care school, then piano, and now homework ... mine would be crabby for sure.

I'd have downtime in there - and then do a little bit if you had to (or take a break and pick a day when she doesn't have anything else going on).

4) the days you don't have stuff going on - we use those days to do things like projects and homework. I use those days to stock up on baking for the week, while kids get work done in the kitchen. Then on the days we're busy, it's done already. That way before they have kids over, the homework was done. I use it a bit as incentive - if we get it done now, we have the rest of the week free to do as we please ... kind of thing.

We don't have a lot of homework at this age. Is she bringing all this home because she's not finishing it in school? I wonder if talking to the teacher might help here.

Good luck :)

I did look at your other post since you mentioned it. For seven she seems awfully over scheduled.

Soccer, play date, regular day of second grade, after school care, a piano lesson AND homework all within 48 hours seems like quite a lot. Especially if she's prone to acting out when tired. Scale back on that stuff, she's showing you she can't handle it all.

I don't remember arguing with my girls at that age. Sure, they had their moments but I never saw them as arguments. More like they acted out and we sent them to their room or took away a privilege until they could control themselves.

If you are engaging in arguments with her now, look out. When they get older you will inevitably disagree at times. If you don't have a strong relationship and lots of respect both ways it will get way out of hand as they grow into adults.

Keep your voice level, say it ONCE and don't feed into her drama. If you're yelling you've already lost the battle. Cut way back on the structured activities, everyone needs time to just kick back, especially second graders.

When my kids were little I had them do their homework at the counter or table while I made dinner. But this was after they had a chance to come home from school and relax, snack and just chill for a while.
They went to after school care sometimes, and did some other activities, but you know that's not really "down" time for them. They're still "on" just like we are "on" at work, and unless they get some time to decompress, they are going to be cranky and difficult.
So...first...
rethink the commitments. I know we all want well rounded kids who participate in music and sports. But she is SEVEN. She can't handle the schedule. Time to cut the piano and/or soccer. Going to school and after care is already a full time job for her, cut her some slack.
Second...
make the homework a precursor to anything else. Of course, like I said, give her some time to chill when she gets home, we ALL need that. But if she wants to watch TV, play video games, whatever after dinner, simply make that an "after your homework is done" activity. I actually didn't limit my kids' screen time, all I required was that the homework was done FIRST. Don't argue about it, simply let her know, homework first, unlimited fun to follow.
That (for the most part!) worked for us.

She's 7? My oldest has turned into such a responsible and great student but at that age with that schedule she'd have lost it too. I almost always did homework with her or with me nearby for questions. I'm sorry but I feel for your daughter. Her life should not be so hectic she is overtired often. As an adult I have a hard time keeping things together if I'm overtired. Sounds like you kind of do too and she's only 7. That may seem old enough to you but in a few years you will realize how incredibly young 7 still is. You want her to finish 3 assignments after a day like she's had? Imagine how daunting that is to her young brain? I'd cut out all other activities and if she has to go to aftercare , work with them to help her some. I know our fancier aftercare has the workers help kids. They had homework club too. I believe the town run one doesn't offer help. Do you have a choice? And maybe outline in the morning what she should work on in aftercare. I remember worrying that I was helping my oldest a bit too much but now am so glad I did. Instead of getting overwhelmed and frustrated with school which was something I feared, she matured into handling things so well on her own in just a few years that I am amazed. Please rethink her schedule. She needs time to just chill. As someone else said, aftercare isn't really down time for kids.

Eta: sorry. I see you wanted her to do one of three assignments not all three. Still. She is showing you her schedule is too much for her. She's not trying to create conflict I'm sure. She needs a different approach.

I would let her not do the homework. What really happens if a second grader doesn't get their homework done? After all there is plenty of evidence that there is NO BENEFIT AT ALL to having homework in elementary school. She is only 7 years old. She is tired and it sounds like she is over scheduled. I would encourage her to use her after care time to play - hopefully outside this time of year.

The long term changes I would make - no television or any screens on weekdays. Stop pushing her to do homework. When homework was interfering in our family time when DS was in first grade I told his teacher he wasn't going to do it. She was fine with that.

ETA: If I had to pick between piano lessons and homework, I would pick piano.

ETA2: I recommend taking a look at Laura Markham's positive parenting website ahaparenting.com. She is both fantastic and practical.

I'd go with a Love and Logic approach. If she doesn't do the work, she doesn't get to do anything else. Let her know that whatever she doesn't get done at after school care she'll be doing at home. No TV, No ipad.

Also, ensure the folks at after school care are aware that she has work that needs doing.

I hear you. I agree that you have to stop engaging in the drama she's spewing out. Let me ask you something. She's in second grade. What horrible thing would happen if she went to school without her homework done? She'd have to face the teacher, maybe stay in from recess to get it done, and maybe get a few points off on her grade. But she's in 2nd grade! Her marks aren't going to follow her to college!

She's having trouble focusing and scheduling. She procrastinates. Maybe she's over scheduled, I don't know. She has school and after school care and then soccer or whatever else you have going on as a family. She can't do it all and listen to music on the iPad and watch TV. Something has to give.

Maybe she's more of a visual learner than an auditory one - so maybe the constant verbal reminders just mess her up, and she needs a place to write down her homework and a dry erase board in her room or in the kitchen with a list of tasks to complete in the right order. TV and soccer at at the bottom, you know?

At some point, kids need to see that the whining takes time and the blaming makes her look bad. Don't be afraid to step back and have her work it out with the teacher. If you even suggested for one second that you write a note to the teacher saying she couldn't do her homework because she had to watch TV and play music, she'd say "No, don't do that!"

I think you will feel less pressured if you look at the stakes here - they aren't that high. So what if she doesn't get an A on this project? So what if she finds the teacher is disappointed in her lack of effort? So what if the teacher says, "Okay, if it's too hard, then come after school or stay in during recess, and we'll review it." Maybe the teacher helps her set up a homework folder with all the assignments in it, a single place to go for her list and a single place to put the completed work to be turned in. Take yourself out of the boxing ring and let the 2 of them work it out. I know it's hard to watch out kids "fail" but really, a single small failure that actually teaches a lesson is a good thing!

If she's old enough to be trusted with an iPad and to watch TV, she's old enough to show she takes her work seriously. If she's not, then she skips the frivolous stuff and she skips soccer (Yes, I know, frustrating if you paid for it), and she gets caught up on her work. When it's done, she can go back to privileges.

But I think giving her the message that you think she's capable and smart, that you trust her to work it out with the teacher, and that the school does not want parents doing the kids' work for them (get the teacher to email you this message if you have to), then it supports her without you bailing her out and doing the work for her. That may take the fight out of it.

It's not the same thing, but when my kid didn't want to turn off the TV and get ready for school, I said fine - but when you check in late, the school rule is you have to go to the office, so when you're there, you can tell Principal X that you just didn't think school was important enough to turn off the TV. That took care of it - it was the school's rule, not my Mommy Bitchiness, so that took the argument out of it.

Good luck.

I recommend the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" totally awesome book that I think will help you.

Your daughter is doing a lot. She needs a break. You need a break. She is a little girl, she shouldn't be able to keep up with you as an adult, and obviously neither of you are able to keep up and be successful. I would posit that maybe you both needs some down time.

I just went back and looked at lot of your other questions. Have you ever heard of Sensory Processing Disorder? Basically it is when the body doesn't know how to regulate itself. Staying in one spot is hard (wiggling in her chair), transitioning is difficult, always wanting more (because the body is never satisfied because it doesn't know HOW to be), melt down after melt down again, because the her body doesn't know how to relax and move from one thing to another. If you are curious, you can check out the website "The Out of Sync Child" or read the book of the same name.

I did this for my autistic son when I was trying to understand his SPDs and realized that both my daughter who is strong willed and spirited like yours and myself have them as well. I started her in Occupational Therapy last spring, and the differences are amazing!!! My guess is that this would really help her and you be successful.

Also, music has been shown to be centering and helpful for kids who are trying to study and work. So has chewing gum. But, like Grandma G said, you are in control of the music, no videos, and a play list should be set before you start. NO messing with the music during work time. (This is one of my rules with my special ed high school students I teach.)

I think that if you look at this from some different perspectives you might be able to get some good professional help that will make the next 13 years a whole lot easier!

http://www.thespiralfoundation.org/pdfs/parent_factsheet.pdf.

This might help. If you want more information about SPDs please let me know.

My kids have to do their homework when they get home. The boys (10 and 8) do it at the table. They can't focus otherwise. Toys, computers, iPads, xbox, basketball, whatever will take over their attention and something that should take ten minutes will take an hour with fighting.

Here's my rule to my kids teachers (given to me by my oldest child's first grade teacher). They get 10 minutes per grade, not including reading. So my 2nd grader gets 20 minutes and my 4th grader gets 40. Ironically, my 4th grader rarely gets homework and my 2nd grader speeds through his with no worries. So it never takes more than 10 minutes for both of them. They love to read, so that's a non-issue as well.

My 6th grader is giving us problems for the first time this year. She is in all accelerated classes and her homework can take more than 60 minutes sometimes. She also is very busy with competitive dance and has to be ahead on all of her work or she will fall behind. She sometimes goes to her room, but if we catch her NOT doing her work, there is punishment. She gets 1 hour to do her journals (writing a summary of a book, the author's purpose, and her view). Anymore than that and she is doing something else. It took two times of her losing her iPad for her to get her journals done on time. But 6th grade is the first year she has been doing her homework in her room versus at the table.

I think at 7, you should still be sitting with her and guiding her. Or at least keeping her focused. If she doesn't have time to get going on a TV show, she won't be mad about taking the break.

And don't yell back. I do it sometimes too and it never works out. Calmly tell her you will not engage in that kind of conversation with her and walk away. That seems to wake my kids up...because they want a fight and I don't give in.

She should be doing homework at afterschool care. Tell the daycare person you want it done before she goes to play. I guarantee that the children are asked to do that first. They have snack/homework and then playtime. Step out of it and do not engage in a battle of wills. Tell her the ipad is for schoolwork and will not be allowed anywhere except the kitchen table until homework is done and that if she gets caught playing before homework is done there will be a consequence. And then give her one. In my house screaming and having a temper tantrum would get an immediate time out. Get the book 1,2,3 magic.

On a separate note. At her age she should not be allowed to have electronic devices out of your view ever. There is way too much on the internet that they can get to.

Did you try throwing radiator fluid on her yet??? JK...a troll posted that great tip this morning.....it's clearly still spring break somewhere.

I don't have perfect advice, but one thing I have done with my also, over tired kids with probably too much going on, is that I allow them some down time, as a transition before starting the next task. And if it's 15 minutes on the school IPad, then I would implicitly tell your DD, "You need a break, relax for 15-30 minutes, then you must start your school work / project." Sometimes it's even a nap when I sense how exhausted the kid is, but more often than not it is on some electronic device where my kids can connect with friends and watch a favorite episode, or play Xbox with buddies.

Lately, my son has opted for a nap and then will get up at 5am to work on school work. He's a morning person like me. My DD will work, even if tired, at night, and would never go to bed early to get up early for homework.

The cycle you have going on is distressing and unnerving and I know I have been there as well, with screaming over certain things not being completed or ready, and I'm frustrated at everyone, and hate being a parent in that moment because I think I'm failing miserably.....however, there are the old-fashioned natural consequences to avoiding homework. Her grades suffer. Better now, than later.

Best of luck, even though the cycle is started, you can break it by recommending a few relaxation / transition tips, so she doesn't feel the need to hide in her bedroom with an Ipad and you aren't yelling for her not jumping onto the next task.

I think we could all use a clear list of your weekly schedule to better help you.

Monday = after care & piano

what is the rest of the week like?

Is she 7?

I feel your pain, I have a 10 and 12 year old and for a while it was a constant battle to get them to do their homework in aftercare.

I have gone through this myself, you are a good mom and you care so do not be too hard on yourself.

For me what I did was let both of my kids suffer the consequences of not doing homework. It was hard but I knew they had to learn on their own. Now they get it done because if I pick them up from aftercare and it is not done then no other activity. (we have scouts for one volleyball for the other) Now big projects we work on at home so the only thing they have to do is the everyday homework (vocab, spelling and math)

Many blessings to you

I am so very glad that our teachers want the kids to do their homework at school and that they schedule time for the kids to do it. I appreciate that they work hard to teach our kids and make it where our kids can have a life.

If your child is having this much issue with homework why don't you talk to the teacher and ask her to please schedule time for the kids to do their homework at school? They should have everything they need in their classroom to do this work.

Also, you really don't want a child care worker helping your child do their homework. You have no idea if they even have a high school diploma or learning disabilities or just think it's fun to make the kids mess up.

You really want your child to have some down time. It sounds like she just wants to be a kid and have some fun.

Our kids go to school almost 8 hours per day. Just because they're kids they don't need to do school 10-12 hours per day.

If this teacher is giving too much homework you need to stand up for your child. If the teacher can't teach your child in the 8 hours per day they have her then something is wrong.

She is a kid and needs down time and to have some fun. School is important but it's not everything.

I really, really feel for you. I am guessing that you may be a bit like me, in that education is extremely important to you. I know how hard it is to become a vet, you certainly didn't get there without putting a huge amount of effort into your education. I personally had a little panic attack just thinking about having my kid deliberately blow off their homework. I would love to be the chill parent who can do that, heck, it might even be the right choice, but I just couldn't do it. My son is seven, and we have had a few issues like this recently. My husband gave me a hard time about pushing him to finish a science project this weekend that isn't due until Thursday, but I wanted to be sure that he could do his regular assignments during the week and a fun event we have planned for tonight. I try to keep him a bit ahead on all of his assignments, so if something happens where he can't get something done, we have an extra day of breathing room.

I do not think you are terrible in any way, I think you are human. It is hard when you are telling your child to do something that is perfectly reasonable and for their benefit and they just did in and refuse and whine and throw tantrums. I yell sometimes, I admit it. But I try to respond as much as I can with a calm tone and a simple, reasonable question, something like "tell me your solution to getting this assignment done." If they are too wound up to answer, calmly say, I will be back in five minutes to get your answer, when you are feeling ready to talk. If you can't give me a different solution, then we need to go with my solution. This is pretty ineffective on my four year old so far, but it actually works well with my seven year old, if I can calm myself enough to go through the steps :)

We actually had a pretty major set of infractions at school not too long ago. We bagged up a large number of toys in trash bags and said that one more negative note home meant the bags went out to the curb. But for every positive note home, he could pick out a toy from the bag to have back. I felt really, really bad when I did it, but it was very effective. He is actually really enjoying showing me his notes and picking out toys each day.

So I don't have brilliant answers for you, but I feel your pain. I think showing her that you understand what it is like to be angry or tired or frustrated is important. Maybe have a talk with her about this specific episode and let her know what you felt and thought at the time, see if you can get her to talk and think about her reactions that way??

I would do homework with her. My oldest two (1st and 4th gr) sit at the dining room table and we all do homework together. If she wants to do it in her room, then sit in there with her.

Does she really have a ton of h/w or does it just take her a long time? A dad in my 1st grader's class contacted me about the amount of homework they have. They usually have one math sheet, review spelling words, review sight words, and silent read. His son was taking 2+ hours. My son was doing it in 30 minutes (and that's with 20 minutes of reading).

Is she over scheduled? I know people think I'm the crazy one when I only let my kids do MINIMAL extra-curricular activities. I feel so bad for kids that do sports, dance, piano, tutoring, drama club, academic team, lego club, fitness club, etc... One acquaintance brags that they're never home before 8:30. 8:30??? My kids are asleep by then!

Where is dad in all of this? Did you guys part and go separate ways? I ask because I see no dad in any of your posts.

Perhaps the piano lessons need to go until she can handle doing homework without melt downs. Do check into another after school set up for the future as school is just about over.

You need to be firmer with her and no yelling. Just be matter of fact with her and no emotion in the voice when speaking to her to correct her issues. The sooner she learns that she cannot get her way and bully everybody else the better she will be. Yes it would be nice for her to be a lawyer but that may not be in the cards for her.

If she does not get a hold of her emotions she will not have friends. If she does not learn the word NO from you it will be hard for her in the work force when she applies. Life is what we make of it and the world does not revolve around us. We are a small part of it and that is all.

Do seek counseling if needed to help you parent your child. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Good luck to the two of you. Nice to see you back. I hope the next time it will be to let us know how well things are going.

the other S.

Sounds like your kiddo needs a break if she's that tired in the evening. Perhaps some of the activities need to go so she has time to just relaxe & watch tv before tackling so many homework assignments.

Hey mom. You know I have been here with you for years. Your daughter has always been a strong willed child. She is never going to change.

She is always testing you. So your job, is going to be to really, really reinforce what you say.

If you tell her how things are going to go down, do not back down, do not negotiate. She needs for you to be as strong as she is.

You also need to tell her, you will always love her. You need to explain that people that love each other, respect each other. It means that you love her so much, you are not going to lower your expectations of her, because you know how bright she is.

And mom, you need to have some time to yourself. Find this time or you are not going to survive this child, without losing your mind. Go away for a weekend. Or take a day off when she us in school.

Then come back and have a defined plan on how you are going to not be pushed around by her whining. Get some ear plugs, they take the edge off. I do not like her pleading and her teasing you when you are being affectionate. That is not appropriate and will lead to problems in her future,

Tell her, "there are times when I need a hug. There are times when I would like to just be able to sit with you." Tell her it hurts your feelings when she acts that way.

Whining is never acceptable. never.. If she whines, put your hand up as though to signal "stop" tell her, stop, I cannot understand whining. My answer is always going to be no if you are whining. And mom follow through.

Explain to her that you and her teachers know she is smart and smart kids are given the homework that the smart kids have always been able to do. If she feels like she honestly cannot do her work, mention that maybe she should stay in this same grade next year. That way it will not be a challenge.

I think your daughter is the type of child that does not like to be alone. She does better if someone is at least in the same room. She can eventually grow out of this, but for now, this us what she needs. Figure out how she can do her homework while you do your housework, paper work, whatever.

I personally would not allow any iPad, videos, TV, games anything until she does her homework and it is completed. If she needs a break, she can read a book.

How is her homework assigned? On a weekly basis, each day? Is it available online also? Ask her teacher for advice on how you can have knowledge of the homework, because your daughter is not sharing the info.

Until she can be responsible for her own work, you are just going to have to stay on top of her assignments. At her after school,care, don't they work on homework? Usually after school care , the kids have a snack and then work on homework for at least 30 to 45 minutes, and the rest of the time they play outside.

I know you are overwhelmed, tired and burned out, but your daughter deserves to have a happy mom. Take some time, keep,your high expectations for her, she can an will live up to them.

I suggest stepping way back. Set an expectation and a consequence and stick to it. For my 8 year old it looks like this:
You must finish all your homework on time or you can't take your iPod to after care on Friday (our after care only allows electronics on Friday). During the week, I give one reminder each day after dinner - hey do you have homework? Otherwise I leave it up to him.

I check his homework folder every day so I know what is due when. But I don't nag or argue. Either he gets it all done on time or he doesn't. If he doesn't then he loses his electronics Friday plus whatever he teacher imposes.

I haven't read the other responses, nor gone back to your other post. But if I recall correctly, she is pretty headstrong, right? Hasn't that been a problem in the past?

I am curious what the other activities you have scheduled later in the week are. Are they things SHE wants to do? Things that you could drop? Or are they just things that YOU need to do and she has to go along with you on your errands b/c she can't be home alone or something?

Perhaps you need to scale back her after school activities. It may be too much. Especially if she has after-care after school every day. That's a very long day for a kid her age. Really.

I understand she wants to veg but is too tired for homework and not tired enough for sleep yet. Don't you ever feel that way? Like right now.. you aren't ready to go to sleep are you? But you are too tired to deal with her shenanigans. Same thing, to a large degree.

Don't force the homework tonight, but remind her when it is due, and how much opportunity she will (or won't) have before then to get it finished. Then leave it up to her (with a reminder each day) and let her suffer the consequences. And next time she is working on homework, I'd disallow the ipad. Period. Unless required for school work.

Sounds like things are a bit out of balance. What types of activities is she doing during the week? Is she doing something everyday after school? If so, I would reduce those activities. She sounds overwhelmed and tired and frankly, I think we, as a society, over schedule our kids.

The other thing I would do is to create a reward chart. I would allow her to earn points for everyday that she gets her work done. She can earn an allowance, time with her friends, or whatever else you guys decide.

As a parent I understand what you must be feeling. It's incredibly frustrating. Give yourself a pass today. You must have a lot on your plate too. We all lose our cool every so often.

Oh my gosh, I feel your pain. I have gone through this same scenario with my son many times. The drama is awful! It drives me totally bonkers too. Because my son gets multiple things assigned Monday that are due Friday it is easy for him to put them off each night and it also makes him feel overwhelmed. I printed out a blank monthly calendar. I wrote what he is to do each day...10 minutes of vocabulary practice, 10 minutes of writing for book report, math worksheet, reading. Then each day he does the things on his list....so by Thursday night it is more manageable. The other thing that helps is I will actually sit next to him. I know...this is lame...but he seems to work so much better and likes the company. I also have to take away the laptop from him and put it in another room. This at first mean he would have a big tantrum about it, but now he is used to it. When homework is done then he can use it. Most nights I can't just send him to his room to do homework...he will distract himself. I have to take a book and go read on his bed or sit next to him.

Updated

Oh my gosh, I feel your pain. I have gone through this same scenario with my son many times. The drama is awful! It drives me totally bonkers too. Because my son gets multiple things assigned Monday that are due Friday it is easy for him to put them off each night and it also makes him feel overwhelmed. I printed out a blank monthly calendar. I wrote what he is to do each day...10 minutes of vocabulary practice, 10 minutes of writing for book report, math worksheet, reading. Then each day he does the things on his list....so by Thursday night it is more manageable. The other thing that helps is I will actually sit next to him. I know...this is lame...but he seems to work so much better and likes the company. I also have to take away the laptop from him and put it in another room. This at first mean he would have a big tantrum about it, but now he is used to it. When homework is done then he can use it. Most nights I can't just send him to his room to do homework...he will distract himself. I have to take a book and go read on his bed or sit next to him.

Remind me, how old is she? You said "aftercare" so I'm assuming 11 or younger.

Things you may need to consider in a calmer moment include: earlier bedtime, a CD player vs the iPad for music (I always worked with music....drove my mom crazy), and breaking down things to a more defined schedule. If she has at TV or anything like that in her room, move them. It may seem "mean" but if she's overtired, she's not sleeping well, and a TV or watching TV just before bed isn't going to help.

Is there a consequence for not doing some of this work in aftercare? Like no TV that night. I found that when I made things a rule, I could just shrug and say DD knew the rule, and then it was up to her to meet the standard or not. Didn't hurt me any if she lost TV time. She knew what she did...or didn't do. If she was going to be snotty, she could take herself to her room til she was ready to be respectful to the family.

Instead of allowing her to do it in her room, I would have her sit with me at least some of the time, to get a feel for what the deal is. My DD had 4 pages to do on Sunday and we worked through each page, with a break in between. I set a timer, and 15-20 mins later, the timer went off and we tackled the next one. The timer became the bad guy, not me.

You might also want to look up "growth mind set" to see ways to encourage her to problem-solve or persevere instead of getting into a screaming match. "I don't have a pencil" might be "Where do we keep pencils? Who can you ask for a pencil? Where can you find a pencil to work with?"

In this case, I might have said simply, "You were dishonest that you were going to use the iPad for music so you cannot have it with you. When you are calm, we will talk about your homework." And then just walk away. Just like when they are toddlers sometimes you just need to ignore it. When my DD loses her cool (or if I do), we insist on talking and sincere apologies and we discuss what's really going on and how to fix it. I don't like being screamed at when I'm trying to help, and DD wouldn't like it, either.

I would also discuss with aftercare that you really need her to utilize the homework time provided and can they make sure she gets an assignment done each day? I would tell DD that you are doing this and will be following up. Remind her that any HW not done in aftercare means less free time for herself in the evening.

My DD gets "hangry" - angry when hungry. We usually start our afternoon routine with a snack. Does your DD need a snack before she tackles her HW?

I have a similar battle with my 7 year old over the floor in the office. I try so hard to remain calm, but man, I lost it today when I asked them to pick up, and I got arguments instead. I just cleaned in there yesterday so I could vacuum today, and they literally covered the floor with papers and aquarium rocks.

To change it, you solve the problem: what preventative measure can you take to prevent this situation again? Is she over scheduled, can she blow off homework -there is no evidence supporting its function, it's busy work with no purpose. How would you feel if you had to do more work after coming home? Can she do the work in after school care? Can she watch TV and then do homework? Why not discuss it with her, say sorry for yelling, and try to fix the problem. Then there will be no drama -though 7 seems to be a drama age. Sigh.

A lot of this can be related to temperament. A parent can try to mold children's habits into productive ones, but it's ultimately up to the child to respond that way. My children are in their 20's now. When they were school aged, they handled homework very differently, even though they both had the same house rule of work being finished before playing.

My son would crank out his homework and chores rather quickly, so that he could move on to play. He has super-deluxe ADHD, so there was plenty of fidgeting involved and a few moments of getting off track, but very few arguments about it.

My daughter, on the other hand, dilly dallied, made excuses for doing other things, wasted her time, argued, etc., and spent HOURS barely getting anything done..... sometimes leaving little or no time for play.

With both kids, I tried to let them suffer their own consequences, while still enforcing the "work before play" ethic. Despite knowing this was counterproductive, I got into some power struggles with my daughter. Unpleasant for both of us. Beginning way back in elementary school, my son would sometimes admonish his sister to, "just do it and move on." She didn't listen, lol.

Fast forward to adulthood: both have graduated from high ranking universities, earning high GPA's. My son's degrees are in traditional academic subjects. My son has earned two degrees and is now on the med school track, busting his buns with two paying parttime jobs, one volunteer job at a hospital, med school, and straight A's.

My daughter's degree is from an art college, where the classes each lasted a full day and students could be free to set their own pace for their work flow during part of the class time (but also completed classes in the traditional subects required for a bachelor's degree). Now, she is an illustrator. She works a relaxed pace job, does freelance work when the mood strikes, and is content with her life.

I wish that I had understood this about her much earlier. She DID need to learn self-discipline and a good work ethic, but a lot of our battles might have been avoided if I'd let her figure out the consequences without me enforcing my own way of structuring her time.

You know they go through phases and this is just one of them. Our daughter keeps very busy and has learned to adjust to it. She has an activity every evening. She is in third grade and at this point, she seems to be well adjusted to the schedule...however, it was not always this way. We spent many of nights in the past with what you have described.

Hopefully we don't phase backwards!

Why don't you have a talk when you are both rested and explain that HW will be done in the front room. This will likely mean punishing everyone else while she does the work without distractions. I know some people don't believe in that, but hopefully the older children have their own entertainment in their bedroom or a den.

At this point, we just ask our daughter to do her work the best she can and we look at it later for corrections.

It is possible also school stresses her out, so she procastinates. I noticed this with my daughter's team when they were at their last game. They made it to the championship and you would think they would be excited. They all avoided getting dressed and did everything but get ready. Some parents were absent and some were yelling. I kept reminding those who didn't have parents in there to get ready and slowly they did. Later, I received an apology for the disrespect. I didn't take it that way at all, I really believe they were stressed and nervous. They are all back to normal withouth the champtionship pressure.

After years of having this happen to me, i've finally learned to walk away Once an argument begins to brew. How old is your daughter. What I've learned in my reading and talking to teachers is to stop trying to force a kid to do homework. Have a routine time during which your kid can do homework and during which you don't talk. Homework is their responsibility. During this time, child can do nothing else until homework is done. This means putting them in a place where as much as possible there are no distractions.

What you describe is a power struggle. Parents never win in those as you found out.

Do have a conversation with her at another time about this plan. Ask her what would help her stay focused. If she says music, tell her you'll try it but if she doesn't get her homework done the first week, take away the music.