Has Anyone Used Reward Charts to Help W/ Kids Behavior?

I wasn't able to read most of the other responses, but do agree that making it specific is key. Otherwise, there is room for interpretation and you don't want your children thinking they did what they are supposed to do when in fact they have not. I would make basic resposibilites a necessity(making bed, cleaning up toys) that have to be met before anything that they do that may be above and beyond is rewarded. In other words, if they are nice to their siblings (therefore thinking they get a reward), but have not cleaned up their toys-do not give the reward. Good luck.

You are on the right track with the coupons and the rewards!! Now you need the power to enforce it!! Especially with your oldest. He needs to be an example to the younger children on how to behave and what will happen if he doesn't. A good read you might want to consider is 1 2 3 Magic. It talks about start behaviours like clean your room, taking on chores, etc and stop behaviours like lying, fighting, whinning, etc and how to get each child to start and stop the behaviours with encouragment and punishment. It's is all very practical advice and I've been using it on my 8yr old and my 2yr old for over 6 months now and I can say it works great on the 8yr old and the 2yr old is of course learning the ropes!! hehe

I don't know where you are stationed at, but I know the Navy Chaplin's office here in Beaufort offered the 1 2 3 Magic course a few times (hubby and I went to the firt one) and that's how we got introduced to it. So you might want to contact your nearest office to see if they can help you get the book. We were already doing some of the stuff suggested but it gave me great ideas to carry it further and to reinforce what we were already doing.

Good luck!!
S.

We have to do the very best we can as parents because that is the most important job in the world. We are raising the future citizens of this world.

I am not comfortable with a thirteen year old who constantly lies. Did I say not comfortable?....I think you lost control of this household long ago...it scares me for you and it scares me for the rest of people that he interacts with. He should have learned long ago that lying is unacceptable.

You and your hubby have to discipline together. And from your description you are WAY past reward charts. At least two of your kids are too old for this anyway. You need to do whatever it takes to regain control of this situation. Go to the bookstore TODAY and purchase every book written by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. They are the "Love and Logic Parenting" gurus. It is hard, and obviously different than what you have been doing--but it works and all of you will be happier.

Haven't gotten to that point with my son yet (he's 20 months), but I'm a therapist and life coach who has worked with lots of kids. Charting works if it's done with consistency, if the rewards/consequences are meaningful to the kid(s) in question and if you don't add too much talking/lecturing (which can be, at times, like a parental temper tantrum). The book "Magic 1-2-3" is an excellent resource for the effective disciplining of kids 2 to 12 years old. It covers charting and other approaches to discipline. (Discipline is NOT punishment, by the way; it's actually a positive way of loving and respecting oneself and others -- but then your (Navy man) husband can attest to this.)
For your 13-year-old, some of the stuff in the book might be helpful, but he might also benefit from someone (a mentor) to listen to him and provide guidance when asked. As an adolescent, your son feels confused and scared (he'd never admit this to you) because he does not know how to be: He is no longer a child, yet he still feels like one because that's the only thing he has experience being. Nor is he an adult, though he probably feels a great deal of pressure (both internal and external) to grow up and be a man, whatever that means to him. And, of course, he's inundated with misinformation about how to be a man, how to establish himself amongst peers and how to gain respect. (The misinformation comes from peers and from the media in our culture, so you can't really protect him from that.) The bottom line is this: If he disrespects you as his mother, he has NO self-respect. He may be arrogant or even aggressive in order to prevent you from knowing this about him -- and he might not even have the words to describe his insecurity and his disdain for himself. But now you know. My advise would be to give him something -- some sort of challenge -- wherein he earns not only your respect but also his own (self-) respect.
One last thing: Your husband sounds great. Have him stand united with you as often as possible. And stand united with him. You'll be uniting, not AGAINST the kids, but as a loving force that they can sort of bounce off of. They'll complain at first -- and test you plenty -- but if you hold the line, they will all three be much, much happier in the long run.
Best of everything to you.

If you use a reward chart, it's important to be specific. The chart should include very specific tasks they are to complete/master for each day of the week. Each day that the child completes/masters the task, place a sticker/stars/etc. on the chart. At the end of the week, give them a treat for having 80% of the chart filled with stickers/stars (or what ever threshold you feel is appropriate). For your behavioral purposes, you should probably include tasks like speak using a soft voice, say nice things to each other, follow directions first time given by mom, etc. They should be actions/tasks that you want them to do, not the things you don't want them to do. You have to carefully pay attention to their behaviors, so you can make sure they do those things all day and earn their sticker/star. It can be part of their bedtime routine to place their own stickers on the chart to show how well their behavior was that day.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any specific questions.

K.:)

Dear A.,
There is a new Parenting tool/TOY that is being launched Sept 24th, 2009 called CAPABLES that is so much better than a reward chart. It is an amazing educational and learning system created for children your daughters age to nine years old (so your 13 year old won't really benefit, but your 6 year old absolutely will) to teach and motivate them to live the greatness within them. It teaches emotional intelligence, self-control, thought management and attitude and affect adjusting that is easy, genius and FUN! It uses a Cape and Badges of Honor as a behavior modification tool and takes the "work" of parenting and turns it into PLAY. It is amazing. It has a Badge of Honor for Self-control and it might be very motivating for your son, to get him a Capable and use the Badges of Honor system, which is just one small part of this amazing parenting tool. You can go to the website www.GetCapables.com on Sept 24th and check it out.

The whole system teaches families to come together as families. It teaches character and values and that sounds like it would really help your family and would help your sons learn about Integrity, which is necessary for them to succeed in life. I really think that the Capables would really help. Kids LOVE their Capables, but not nearly as much as Moms and Dads love them. Parenting experts agree that the Capables are going to revolutionize parenting and how children are being motivated and educated to live their lives at a higher level of excellence. Hope you enjoy them.
Blessings, D. B. author of over 20 books on Parenting and relationships www.DawnBillings.com

You and your Husband need to team up and set your foot down. Just don't allow it. IF you will notice they aren't as bad around your husband follow his example and follow through with the threat. There has to be consiquences for their actions. For lying, just washed out my two great-nephews mouths out with soap about a month ago and haven't had a lie since. Be the parent, take control. None of this tuti fruti be their friend thing. YOUR ARE THE PARENT, ACT LIKE IT!

You can get some very good advice and ideas on EmpoweringParents.com and they send a monthly newsletter that has helpful tips, as well. Here, too, I'm sure others will write with good advice, but just wanted to give you a heads up about that one website. That said, rewards for good behavior do work quite well. You have to gear the frequency of rewards to length of attention span. A 13 year old should be able to go longer before getting the reward than a younger child and his rewards,too, should be geared towards his age group. Do you yell? If so, that will trigger your children to yell, as well. Remain calm and appear to be in charge, even if you don't feel that you are. It's perception here, not reality, that you're going for. If they perceive you as being in charge, even if it's a sudden change on your part, they will feel more comfortable with your authority. It may take awhile if they've never seen you in that light before. If they start to yell, separate them until they can change their behavior. If they yell at you, that is not acceptable and should be met with loss of rewards in relation to the offense. Since you have good insurance, you might consider seeing a child psychologist to help you establish some rules and rewards and this also will mark in their eyes your determination to do something about all of this. Life can be better for everyone. Children want and need discipline, so you're on the right track now, seeking a way to "fix" this scenario. They will rebel at first, but all kids want discipline (not punishment -- the two are different entities) and they all want an adult to be "in charge". It's just their nature to make it h*** o* parents,but you can do it with the right help. Good luck!

A.,

I was going to do this privately but decided not to. My now 17 yr son was AWFUL when he was in 4-6th grade. We finally took him to a child psychologist and WOW, took a year but what a huge difference! He was lying, stealing & cheating and EVERYTHING was my fault and not Dads. etc. Funny, that my husband was Active Duty (USN at the time) and the moves we made were "MY" fault???? I can laugh now but it almost tore apart our marriage! We had to pay the copays for the visits, but they were worth it!! We got him back to 'our son' and the teen years haven't been so bad. Well, at least not defiant and outright lies, etc. Just normal teenage boy stuff?!? We started out at 2 days a week and then about 3 mo into it down to 1 day a week, etc.
Kids are not in charge. The behavior must be met with consequences. Have a family meeting WITH dad and let the kids help to decide the consequences. Get a list of violations...lying, cheating, yelling, hitting, picking on someone, not doing chores when asked, back talking, etc. Then, let the kids (with you parents as moderators) decide on the punishment. Let them also decide on the rewards for each of them. What do they want? Something reasonable but worth it, too. You and hubby decide on how long it will take for each child. Don't give a Disney vacation for 1 week. Maybe keep that for a 6mo of calmness.
Your pediatrician should have the names of a couple of good child psychs for you to choose from. If not, ask your Chaplin for help finding one.
We didn't use a rewards chart per se, it was more just a chart to show they were doing what we asked them to do. Then, without them really knowing, we did something fun if they had all their stars in a straight line.
At 13, you should know you'll have issues, just because of the age, but not like this!
Good luck and let us know what happens!

I was recently referred to a very helpful book... It's called The Kazdin Method for parenting the defiant child without pills, therapy, etc.... Dr. Kazdin's book tells all about the defiant child from young ages through teenage years... and how yelling, threats, punishments, etc never work. My 10 yr old girl and 12 yr old boy are costantly fighting with each other... it's as if they really hate each other... and my 12 yr old boy also has ADHD, is on meds and has anger issues (he probably learned from us unfortunately). I try so hard to stay calm, ask nicely, etc but he refuses to listen to me at all any more.

Anyway... Dr. Kazdin's book has a 20-minute DVD with it and he writes about how to use "positive opposites" to get your child to cooperate and he also gives examples of rewards charts using points and how to use them.

I've only read half the book and need to finish and put these tips to use, but it sounds like it could really work. He recommends not yelling, punishing or taking priviledges away... rather, "catch them" doing good and be generous with points.. at least in the beginning... to get them to try to do the things you want of them so they can earn points ... small points can be redeemed daily for those immediate needs....like renting a movie or having desert or candy.... or they can save their points up for bigger rewards like a sleepover, a fishing or camping trip, a toy or a day alone with mom or dad.

Again... I'm still reading the book and have yet to put this into play at my house, but I'm going to try it. I really don't know what else to do and threats no longer work on my son. He just doesn't respect me or care any more. I'm really hoping that giving him something to work towards will help turn things around.

Hope this helps. D. N, Clarkston, MI