Going Blind, Terrified and Filing for Divorce

Updated on January 31, 2008
H.M. asks from Garden Grove, CA
6 answers

Back in August of 2000, I was 21 years old, my beautiful baby boy was about to turn one and at that point,I had been married for two years when I was informed that I was losing my eyesight. I felt like I had been hit in the face with a frying pan; stunned, shocked and unsure. The doctor proceeded to tell me that within three to five years of his diagnosis that I would be completely "dark". But now nearly eight years later, by what ever grace, I do have a portion of my sight but steadily it's failing. I'll never be able to drive, I'm almost 29 and with the first and second opinions I've received.. I've been told that by the time I'm 30 , I will have lost 90% of my central vision.

I know it's not a life sentence, in fact I have an aunt in New York who is completely blind who's a successful criminal psychotherapist, but see the thing is she's in New York. Actually all of my family is. I moved out here to be with the man who is currently my spouse and you'd think that he'd be bending over backwards but unfortunately he's the one who,over the years, has helped contribute to the depression I've been battling. I've been told I'm a burden because I can't get around on my own. He's gone as far to say that he's tired of me making commitments(I work a small part time job up at (the shops at mission viejo one or two nights a week for three hours at a time and sundays for 7.5 hours) and relying on him to get me there. Just this past sunday(1/27/08) he yelled at me for going grocery shopping..because he had to wait in the car for me.Sometimes he acts as if i wanted to go blind, like i had some hand in it. and the lord knows that if i could change it, i would because it's been a major hurdle in me feeling like a whole person.
Transportation has been the biggest issue. I live in an area where no public buses run therefore the orange county transit authority won't send out their little van to get me. I have to plan my life around this man who constantly berates and belittles me or ignores me all together. Lately he's insisted that i pay him rent to live in our home.I'm sort of at my wits end and feel very alone, very isolated.
So after much turmoil and angst I've decided to leave. but it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm scared. I'm worried how i will take care of my self and my two boys. At work i've been told they can guarantee me a certain amount of hours as long as i can get there and perhaps even an advance in my position at my store... and after four years of employment I would love to be a key holder.. i want to be a productive member of society, I want to show my kids that with hard work that you can do anything.. i want to be a good mom.. but i feel due to my inabilities i'm not being all that i could be.. i wish i could get my kids on a baseball team, if only i could get them there. I have so many aspirations, I want to go to school i just need some help.transportation, help with my kids, support. I would love to make some friends to become apart of an extended family.I would love to be a walking buddy with someone or a movie buddy,(there's a cool 1.50 movie theater in irvine and santa ana. go to the park with our kids. I'd gladly help pay gas money. I'm just exhausted and my ideas are exhausted as to what to do.. I just feel sort of lost.

sorry for my rambling.. Just have alot on my mind-H.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

It's been a crazy few days. I wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the support, advice, and just general kindness. It was a bit overwhelming to tell you the truth. I had once lost faith in the human race but all of you have restored some of that, so thank you.
This past weekend, In Chicago a few employees of the company i work for, were gunned down and killed. the watch kiosk in front of my store was robbed and then yesterday morning the store next to mine was robbed. Everyone's been on pins and needles.. talk about a somber place to be at the moment .

everything with myself and my boys is.. ok.. my older son was sick over the weekend and broke out in an odd rash.. which i was told not to send him back to school until it's diagnosed. my younger boy was sick at 4 in the morning. chaotic doesn't quite seem to do the last few days justice.

i have contacted a local church. and today i'm going to be spending the majority of it snuggling with my kids and when they are down for naps going to be on the phone calling around to see what else i can find out. thank you again everyone.. please keep in touch

____@____.com
____@____.com

More Answers

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K.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

H.,

I feel for you. Congratulations, though, on your decision to get away from an uncaring man who's unworthy of being your husband. That's an extremely courageous decision you've made. Scary because now you're stepping into the world of the unknown, but courageous.

Is there a friend or family member you can move in with for a while -- either in the Orange County area or wherever you're from? If I were getting divorced, I'd stay with someone else for a while (my dad, actually), even if that meant moving back east (which is where my family's from). There's nothing better than family when you're going thru something like this, assuming you have that option. If not, then a good friend may also be willing to let you hang out there for a while.

There's a non-profit organization called Foundation Fighting Blindness, and it has a chapter in Orange County. The contact info is Wayne Heidle, and his email address is ____@____.com you email him and tell him about your circumstance, they might be able to help you with transportation and other things.

From here, that's the best I can do you you. May God bless you and your family. He knows your pain and suffering, and if you turn to Him, He'll be there for you.

K.

2 moms found this helpful
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T.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

H.,

Good for you! You NEED to get away from him. You will be surprised at all that you can do without a man like that dragging you down. I commend you for wanting to show your boys that you can do anything you set your mind to!

If you do end up moving, look into finding a place with in the OCTA area.

Call the Little League and sign your boys up. Tell them that you will need parent help in getting them to the practices and games so that they know ahead. I am sure that out of the 12 or so families on the team someone would be willing to drive your boys!

Good luck!

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E.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi H. - I really don't have adivce on your situation. I can only commend you on your strength and will to not just survive but to live a full life - being a full-time mom and working part-time. I live in Tustin and have a 15 month old son. I go to an amazing church that has been my extended family for 14 years - that's where I met my husband. We've been married for 8-1/2 years - it took as a long time to get pregnant...(my family is local but all work a lot). Feel free to call my cell:###-###-#### - I was thinking of going to Bill Barber park this Saturday :)

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E.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi H.,
I felt I had to write as I feel so bad about your situation. My husband is a transplant from NY and his entire family is back east. He is very lonely for them and my children as well. I do understand what if feels like to be alone and somewhat hopeless as I have MS. I'm doing very well and have no issues and I can do everything I want to do. But I understand how precious time is as it can be taken away from me at any time. I would love to help you and be supportive of you and your situation. If you need anything email me at ____@____.com. I may be able to offer you some ideas on where to get assistance. Just remember to never give up and keep on dreaming as that can help in times of desperation.
Take Care
E.

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P.B.

answers from San Diego on

H., I suggest that you first, go to your nearest center for the blind, learn braille and learn all that you can on how to live with blindness. there are many resources., keep writing here and maybe I can find some resources for you. Second, you need to talk seriously with your partner. It sounds like you two have lost what you once had (maybe). I believe one major key to a good marriage is open, loving communication. His expectations have changed . what does he want in your relationship. He gives you mixed signals. You need to lay it all out. I have been married for almost 19 years, it takes a lot of communication and realistic expectations. You BOTH may need counseling about the loss of your sight. He may not know how to handle it. hang in there. You sound highly motivated, you just need confidence in who you can be. P.

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L.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

H.,
I'm at a loss for words...I don't understand how your soon to be ex could be so uncaring??? Do you have a church you can plug into??? I know of one off Sand Canyon in Irvine. This could be a great support system for you. Also, I would love to be your movie buddy, although I am in my late 40's. I do have a crazy schedule, but we could work on that also?

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