Girlfriend Cutting Adult Son off from Friends & Family

OK, seriously? HE IS 30 YEARS OLD! Not to sound mean here, but when do YOU decide he is an adult and is capable of making his own decisions? It's his choice to stay with her or not stay with her! When are you planning on "cutting the cord?" Why not let him move out of state and find out for himself if what her family offers is really for him or not?

My brother has had "issues" for years, depression, drinking/smoking pot, choosing the wrong women, etc. We have done everything we can, offered support, advice and love but at some point (certainly by 30!) you have to cut the apron strings and let them fly or fall.
What else can you do?
Some people just have to learn the hard way :-(

She's not leading him anywhere he doesn't want to go.
If he wants it to stop he will stop it.
At 30 yrs old he's certainly making his own choices - he's choosing to let her call all the shots.
He gets sex, living quarters and she pays most of the bills.
Heck a lot of guys would love being a kept man.
If he breaks up with her (or she eventually tosses him out for a younger stud) he'll have to actually work to support himself.
Just let him know you are there when ever he wants to contact you.
In the mean time you really have no choice but to let him go his own way.

Have you considered that maybe the changes in your son are NOT related to this girlfriend? She could be standoffish because of things he has told her about you and the rest of the family. And honestly, the depression is likely from the fact that he's tied to the family in a part time job he doesn't even want. He need to earn money on his own in a job he can be respected for. Pay his share of the bills in a full time job, and not one the family gave him. And of course he's clinging more to her than you... SHE isn't judging him.

You need to let him make his own decisions and back the hell off. This isn't about you. When does his life get to be about him?

Edit: Niiiiiiiiiiiice that you edited out 3/4 of your question, S.. My response still stands.

You support him by backing off on the judgmental attitudes. Let him live his own life and make his own choices without making his life be The S. Show.

Give him money so he doesn't rely on her.

If you can't afford to give him money, let him figure it out for himself.

ETA: Your previous "version" of this question said that girlfriend is a lawyer and pays for lots of things for him. I'm not sure why you deleted that part.

I don't know. Its sounds like you're in a tug-of-war match with the GF. Your son is pulled in two directions and it's killing him. He doesn't know how to deal, so he doesn't. I have a feeling both you and the GF are right about each other. I'd love to hear her side.

I think you need to let your son go. Tell him that you think/hope that the move is the best thing, but that if he ever needs you/family in any way, shape or form that you will be there for him - no matter what. He's old enough to make his own mistakes and live with the consequences.

I know that is bitter pill for you to swallow, but if you want to continue to even have a relationship with him, you're going to have to back off.

my husband and i got together when we were 23 (me) and 21 (him) and we didn't allow our parents to make decisions for us.
i'll bet the 'controlling gf' simply expects a 30 year old college graduate, depressed or not, to make decisions without running 'em by his mommy.
khairete
S.

It sounds almost like my son, except he is the one who become the benefactor, and he married my daughter in law. We watched him dump all of his friends, family, move out of state and doesn't call a lot. We have chosen to continue our line of communication despite it being stronger on our part. I have had to let him go. It hurts of course. In the meantime I know that she could one day be the mother of my grandchildren, so I wouldn't say anything at all and I have had to find 'substitutes' for the need to mother someone. Currently it helps that my sister's children have had babies and they enjoy the visits and help. He may or may not one day realize how much he gave up. But we constantly try to let him know we love them. I try to communicate with my daughter in law and keep in touch. She doesn't always answer, but I think realizes from time to time that we are not a threat and we won't take him away from her. We just want to maintain family relations. Yes, sadly you let them figure out all of it. On their own. I know it hurts, but that is how he chose to live his life.

Your son is in the exact situation he wants to be in - or he would change it. There is nothing wrong with moving out of state. Plenty of people live in different states and stay connected to family. If he WANTS a connection to you, he will find a way to have it.

You support him, by maintaining contact at HIS control. If he is 30 he should have his own life anyway... which means you wouldn't be having daily or even weekly contact with him, right?

Preferring a girl to your friends (or family) isn't a crime.... it's how it works, usually.

he's 30....let go, Mom! It's time for him to "sink or swim".

He's 30, highly educated, and not working full time.

He's living his life choices. Leave him be.

Disclosure: my oldest is 26 & considering moving out of state. I am cheering for him. I wish him success, happiness, & I hope/pray he stands strong.

Have you talked with him about your concerns about drinking, girlfriend, moving etc? Maybe he needs someone to do an intervention on the alcohol and drepression. If he got treatment, he may not be so willing to go with an "enabler" like this girlfriend.

If your son is indeed heading towards (or has already arrived at) alcoholism, you could not help him even if he still lived at home. I cannot stress this enough: You cannot help him if he does not want help. Period. So as agonizing as it is to watch, there has never really been anything you can do except let him know that you are there, always and forever, no matter how hard she tries to push you away. Without judgement and without anger. Then you hope he comes around and reaches out for your hand.
What you can do for yourself is find a neutral person - like a good therapist or leader of a self-help group - and explore the situation. You might be surprised at the different takes on the situation that might help you come to terms with your son's choices. Good luck.

He's 30. I lived out of state from my parents at 17-actually out of country because they moved back to the sates with Air Force while I stayed in Europe at that age for college. And I've moved many times since. And had several boyfriends. And my parents both live in separate states still. We still have good relationships.

He's capable of moving and maintaining a healthy relationship with his family. Millions of adults live in different states than their families.

If his relationship is bad, then he'll have to hash that out on his own. It's up to him if he moves. You can support him by letting him make his own decisions.

You say he's not working full time, but does he have a lot of money? Why do you think she's trying to control him and keep him away from his family? What's in it for her?

By the way, "When they are in her car, she always drives, for example." - that alone, in my opinion, is not controlling! I hate when/if my husband drives my car - he's a lot bigger than me and moves the seat, etc., and it drives me nuts to have to readjust everything!! So, if we happen to go out in my car, I always drive. If we go out in his car, he drives!

As for everything else, yes, definitely red flags!! If this were me and my son, this would be killing me!! I would keep talking to him and question why he's doing what he's doing and why he's letting her control him. Is it possible you could offer to let him move back in with you for a little while? If it would get him away from her, I would definitely be offering!!

If he follows thru with moving out of state and being with her etc., then you'll just have to wait for him to come to his senses. Keep communicating!!!

Good luck!!

If the idea that GF is "controlling" and is to blame for "cutting him off" is based entirely on his own use of the phrase, "She owns me" -- you are reading a lot into what may have been a tossed-off statement on his part.

If you have plenty of other reasons to think she is genuinely controlling that would be different, but you don't mention any, other than the fact that she "wants him to move out of state and he is struggling" with that. Has he said he is struggling? Has he said that he does not want to move? Is the move entirely to further her career or to be near her family solely? Or does he derive some benefit from the move, such as better job opportunities?

There may be a lot more to this story. You might have a lot more evidence that you didn't put in the post -- or you might be basing everything on a few words of his and the fact that she initiated the idea of a move that you dislike but he isn't resisting.

If you are going just on what you present here, there's nothing for you to do or say; that's not evidence she's a controller. Even if she is, he not new to adulthood and is making his own choices. If you feel he is actually being abused -- yes, men can be abused verbally, mentally and even physically -- that is different altogether, but if you just feel he has pulled away from you since meeting this woman, that is not necessarily something you can intervene in or fix.

I would keep the lines of communication with him wide open even after his move. Encourage his siblings if any to contact him and his friends -- not to barrage him with calls but to maintain good contact and never to complain about GF but to listen to him carefully and make sure he knows his family and friends are going to be there to listen and are interested iin him wherever he is. If he needs help later, if it turns out this really is a controlling relationship, he needs to know people will have his back then, but talking down the GF or the move at this point could backfire and cause him to defend her and cut off contact even more.

Do you know why he is depressed and why he is self-medicating with alcohol? Those would be my first concerns. Also, why is he not working full-time? Is he making enough money to support a family? If he moves out of state, will he be able to find full-time employment if he needs or wants it? Sounds to me like he is struggling with more than leaving his family. Why would he struggle with that now, at 30, when he didn't before? Does he know how you and other family members feel about his girlfriend? Sorry no answers, only more questions.