Getting My Husbands Cooperation with the Bills!!!!!

I handle all the finances, too, and I occasionally get that same question from my husband. Make a spreadsheet, and show him the bottom line. How much money is coming in and how much is going out. If it looks like you have too much "fun money", track for a week what you spend on miscellaneous items and show it to him. With 2 kids, we both know, it never ends.

A. - it is amazing how much stress and problems finances can bring to a marriage. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and, so far, we have only one child. We both make pretty good salaries although we didn't start that way and we are careful with our money - always putting money into our retirement/college/savings accounts each paycheck. It was a struggle though to come to that consensus. We grew up to view money/bills/savings differently. My husband is the spender in our family while I am more to the other extreme and rarely buy anything unless I need it. We both had to understand why we were/are like that and agree on a process by which we could try to meet all of our goals. I am much more organized and computer-experienced than my husband so I handle paying the bills each pay check. I always have and initially this lead to me feeling like I was always trying to make everything work and everyone happy and we just can't buy everything immediately and still put X dollars into all the savings accts and THEN wonder where all the money went!! For a while there the first few years of our marriage it was really difficult to discuss finances because we both got defensive and somewhat resentful of each other. We finally sat down and both went over our monthly expenses and goals - short-term and long-term - and then made some hard decisions on the things we felt were important. We don't have separate accounts or a 'family account'... our money is our money and we made ourselves accountable to each other for how we deal with our money. I made up a budget on an Excel spreadsheet and budgeted everything out - savings, bills, an allowance for both of us, things we projected we would have to spend on over the next 6 months (things like ad valoem tax on our cars, maintenance on the cars, home warranty payment, a spate of birthdays (6 w/in 30 days!), the league payment for my husband's ice hockey hobby - he plays 9 months out of the year (so about $1200/year), Christmas, etc. (The Excel file is pretty heavy-duty now - several years of monthly budgets that we can look back at and see how well (or how badly) we have handled our money!) We called several vendors and changed due dates for certain things so that we would have about the same amount due (and therefore left in the account) after paying certain bills on each paydate. We halved certain things up - like our mortgage payment - due the 1st of each month. We got ahead of the mortgage by half a payment and then started taking out half of the mortgage amount out on the 30th paydate and then the second half out on the 15th. Therefore we have the whole mortgage payment waiting in the bank on the 15th and it isn't due until the 1st. We halved our car payment and our savings accounts payments over the two paydates as well. We agreed that we would only buy groceries once a month and that we would do the grocery shopping together (this really helps!). We got a nice size freezer and brought meats and certain things in bulk. We transferred our two credit card balances to one and paid on it twice a month until we had it paid off. Then we agreed we would take any extra/bonus money we earned and paid off the other car so we wouldn't have that monthly payment. We then took that car payment money and put it in the savings acct and agreed we wouldn't put that in the regular account and just use it frivalously. We agreed we could use our allowance money for whatever we wanted with no recrimination. I even budget entertainment so we decide together if we are going out to dinner one Saturday night and blow $60 or if we would prefer to just invite friends over that night instead and have everyone bring a potluck item - saving the $60 for something else we might like to do - like putting the money toward concert tickets. We agreed we would never use the credit card (we only use one) for meals - we pay cash or use the debit card - and that we would agree that the only things to go on the credit card would be big ticket items - things we could pay off within two months and/or if there was some other kind of benefit - 6 months free interest or something like that. We agreed that our savings accounts were paramount. Each payday I do the bills that morning - paying everything due that period on our budget - and then I update my Excel spreadsheet and send an email copy to my husband to review (and he must review it) so that he knows what we have spent and what we have upcoming. This way neither of us can plead ignorance or get upset because we can't have something we want (immediately!) - we know and have agreed on what the ultimate goals are for our family. We also don't feel deprived because we can't buy something spontaneously - we do do that sometimes. We just realize that that home improvement project we are working towards or that vacation or that retirement kitty is more important. Do your very best to get him to sit down with you and discuss your short-term and long-term goals. Get to an agreement on these things and then hold each other to it. Put your budget on paper/computer and update it and share it with him on a regular basis so he knows exactly how much it costs to live nowadays and that you just aren't throwing away hard-earned money. I never thought I would feel so good when I put money into our savings account! It is a much higher thrill then buying that trinket I saw at Kohl's or my husband buying something that really is just a fad.... Now, we still sometimes have heated discussions on how we want to spend money but it is over big ticket projects usually and not the nit-picky, small fry purchases (that still add up!) that we used to. We realized that it was a join effort - we make it or break it together. Really long email! Sorry! Hope it helps though because I understand from experience how trying this can be and how weighty a problem - even to couples who otherwise have a great marriage. Best of luck!

I just went through the same thing with my husband!! We had seperate checking accounts and I finally told him he had to take it over that I couldn't handle it anymore! He has since taken over the checking account, I closed mine and I put my paycheck into his account. I get an allowance every week and it's working out great!! Maybe you should hand it ALL over to him and then he can see what you go through.

Good luck!

This is definately a "Dave Ramsey" situation! I read "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave and it has changed the way that my family and I think about money. I am sure that if the two of you sit down and read the first couple of chapters together, it will completely change the way you think about money and debt, and it also teaches you a lot about how debt and finances can change the dynamic of your family. TRUST ME; YOU NEED THIS BOOK!

Dave Ramsey's FPU is excellent & gives sound guidelines to follow!

Finances will get you every time. Your story sounds like mine a few years ago. But word of warning, be careful what you wish for. My husband took over our finances 3 years ago now, and he's turned into a budgeting monster. (And a grumpy one).

He pays the bills, but it's no fun for anyone. He has taken on extra jobs to make sure our 2 kids still have everything that they want, because he expects to be able to put X amount in savings each month too.

But he's very precise and obsessed with the checkbook now. He keeps a spreadsheet of all the finances, what is coming in, what is being paid out, etc. And he's OBSESSIVE. Of course, it has definitely cut down on his spending habits.

I don't know how to tell you to fix your situation without it getting worse first. If you are determined that he's GOING to take over paying the bills, just leave them in a stack for him and stick to your guns. Just don't be too surprised when he's too stressed out to have conversation with you anymore. It has taken 3 years for us, but my hubby has definitely let "paying the bills" get to him.

I heard someone on TV the other day say, "at the end of the month, we both sit down together to see where all the money went". And I thought "I wish we were like that"!!!

GOOD LUCK TO YOU. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. I FEEL FOR YOU!!!

C.

well. i don't know what to tell you,but i am happy to have read the advice you were given. my husband is so clueless he will just go get a check book out of the box and start writing checks for whatever! then he expects me to have it balance! i am no mind reader! i have paid our credit card of 3 times this year, and with in a month...when i get the new statement..it's maxed! then, of course he wants to know where all the money went. he has finally agreed to let me go back to work. at this time he will be home with our toddler, and i am going to open a private account. he won't learn, he won't listen...it has been terrible! money maybe the root of all evil, but the ignorance/ i don't want to learn attitude makes marriage hard!

A.,

I am so glad someone pointed you to Dave Ramsey. Whether you go to Financial Peace or not, I believe he has some great ideas. He has a talk radio show, you could go to his website to get your local listing...or his programs are archived on the website. HE changed the way I look at money and my future. My husband and I have always pretty much done our planning together but I was ignorant to other things until I heard him.

The reason I say that is this...maybe listening to him will give you and your husband the same focus it gave me and my husband, which is to be debt free. Now that is important because you both will have to participate activley in order to make that happen.

Another appeal that may work with your husband is to let him know that security is important to you and you need his imput to assure that your common goals are leading in that direction. I will have to say that it is a little scary to me that you have seperate accounts, unless it is just a bookkepping thing. (My husband and I have several bank accounts for personal and business use, but we work them all together).

The last (but not least) suggestion that I have is to pray for your husband and the situation. What is causing him to demand one thing but be unwilling to participate to that end? Pray over that!

A.,
Through a friend who did the program too, my husband and I actually took a 13 week course (on Wednesdays from 6:30-8pm...at a local church and they had daycare) called Financial Peace University that was FANTASTIC!!! For 6 years, we weren't on the same page about money at all and had completely different ways of doing things- that caused many problems along the way!

This course not only taught us how to "budget" our money, showed us both where the money was and wasn't going- which bills to pay first and to STOP USING OUR CREDIT CARDS AND RACKING UP DEBT!!!! Phew!~ I tell you, our marriage has been so much smoother since then...not because we have ever flowing money coming in (which we don't), but because we are completely on the same page as far as spending, saving, etc. goes...we do the bills and budget together and we both know what's going on at all times. It is such a relief.

I am being honest...I wish someone had told us about this years ago...even gave us this for a wedding gift!!! It has turned the way we look at money around and there is no arguing anymore.

If you are interested in the workshop, you can go to www.daveramsey.com or check with your local church on who sponsors the program. I have to say, my husband used to be a fighter pilot in the Navy and felt a bit embarrassed about taking this course at first, but we are both REALLY glad we did!!!!! No kidding.

The Dave Ramsey thing is the way to go, I think! It's simple, makes sense, and if you stick with it....it REALLY works!

Good luck to you!
E.

Hi A. -
We attend Mt. Pisgah United Methodist, and the pastor there is doing a 4 week series on FINANCES!! This coming Sunday is week 3. He is NOT asking for money for the church; he is asking the congregation to "get right" with their money. We have received gifts at the last 2 services, and one of them was a budgeting tool CD. Our pastor is also very high on David Ramsey and it sounds like you got lots of great advice about him and how good he is. The church is also offering members a couple of FREE visits with a financial counselor! Two Sundays ago, a couple came up and spoke about their own journey into debt and how they got out with David Ramsey's help. SO - if you are looking for a church and you are looking for help with the finances and you are looking to get you and your husband on the same page - COME TRY MT. PISGAH!! It's a great church! Dr. Hunt is the pastor and he is AWESOME! One other piece of advice that I got from my mom: when she and my dad were first married and my dad was in the navy, they would get his little navy pay check once a month. They would cash that check, and immediately divide it up into envelopes. The envelopes would be marked "rent," "food," "utilities," "entertainment," etc. My husband and I tried it and it worked for us too - we did that for a long time!! We still sort of do that with the entertainment money; when the paychecks come, I take out a certain amount in cash for us to have for "entertainment" - eating out, movies, whatever - and a certain amount for "kids" - things I do out with my 2 children, like buying ice cream or the dollar store, etc. Spending cash is a lot harder for me!! I am pickier about parting with it! And spending CASH makes it easier when the statement comes - those "debits" that add up aren't there any more. I hope this helps you and I wish you luck!
Nancy

Hi A.,

My husband and I went and saw Dave Ramsey when he spoke here about a year and a half ago. My husband had gotten the tickets for us to go see him -- I was apprehensive at first, but hearing him (and then following his plan) has changed our lives.

At the time, we were both working full-time, but had still managed to spend more than what we made. Our little boy was just a few months old when we went and saw Dave Ramsey, and we had quite a lot of debt. I also took care of all of the bills (partially my issue -- I'm a control freak -- and partly because my husband just didn't get involved with the bill paying). We knew we had to do something to get control of our finances -- we didn't really fight about money, but both worried about it way too much!

We bought Dave Ramsey's book "The Total Money Makeover" -- I would recommend this book over the "Financial Peace" book. I think it's more concise, easy to follow and very informative. But, I'd also strongly recommend that you either go see Dave Ramsey speak and/or take the classes (Financial Peace University). I noticed some other folks have already recommended this, too, and have led you to the Web site where you can find all this information.

I've since quit my job to be a stay-at-home-mom to our little boy (who is now 20-months-old), and we have a second baby on the way (a girl this time) who is due in early January. Without following Dave Ramsey's plan, we'd be in big trouble now! It's not easy supporting our family on one salary now, but at least now we have a plan, we're on the same page, we talk about money ... and most importantly, we follow a budget every month (that we both make together)!

We've been seriously following the plan (took us a while to get motivated) for 4-5 months. We already have a $1,000 emergency fund set up (you'll learn more about this in Dave Ramsey's stuff), and we've started paying down our debt (and we don't make more ... no credit cards, no spending money we don't have, cash only for most purchases, etc.). Plus, we both know exactly where our money is going every month -- no surprises! ;) I'm not saying it's not a challenge, just that it's nice to all be on the same page, to see that we work together to reach our goals, and to be partners financially!

Best wishes to you! I hope all this helps! I've never heard anyone that really works to follow Dave Ramsey's program say anything but great things. Good luck!

A....
you were right you are not alone with that dilemma.Im a mother of 3 ages 16,14 & 5, married to my husband for 14yrs. I am 36yrs old and both he and I work, full time, when it comes to bills he also doesnt feel the need to "CONCERN" himself with such activities, he thinks when he turns on the light switch, or flushes the toilet, all of these things are "magically" happening as if the maintenance of those accounts are not a factor. A few years back, I made more money than him and took the role of family accountant to handle all of our utilites, car loans, rent, etc..well now that he is again in a highly paid position, he still shys away from handling them. So recently I demanded a "POW-WOW" or a family roundtable, where all of us, including the baby(age 5) sat at our dining table and spoke freely of any and all concerns. The older girls want to drive, his new position and income, my stress over managing the household chores, bill payment, quality alone time, you name it...we spoke on it and we ended the discussion with all of our opinions on what we think should be the best solution for each individual concern. Now how this may help you is, demand your time with him to sit down and "Pow-Wow" with him...let him know that the things we require in our daily lives dont grow on trees and him being the bigger bread winner does not exempt him from needing to be a part of the ENTIRE process, and if not on everything at least the higher priced bills to be paid. Or you could make a spreadsheet in MSexcel or MSword, listing all expenses and have him review it with you at least once a month.GOOD LUCK!!!

My husband and I used to argue all the time over paying bills and things being late, etc. Well first of all we have decided to put our faith in God with our finances. Since we have decided we can only pay what we have the money to pay and if something is late it is not the end of the world. God always takes care of us in the end. Arguing and stressing over it doesn't change the situation it just makes it worse and creates other problems besides the financial ones. Maybe you should write down or type up everything you pay per month, including groceries, gas, etc and then how much income you bring in per month and if he could see that he would probably be surprised to see how good you budget with what you have. I think all men are alike in the aspect of they like having extra money and not sacraficing things, but at the same time they don't want the extra work or stress of paying the bills and doing the checkbook. Good luck with all that. It is hard for us with children 2 and 4 and we pay daycare also. Hang in there, not sure if you are reiligious or not, but pray about it God will see you through it.

My husband used to be the same way. He left the checkbook in my hands and would often ask me where his paycheck went. Then he would spend money on stuff we didn't really need and wonder why bills didn't get paid on time. Finally, I stopped paying certain bills whenever he would spend money on frivolous stuff. When he asked me why the cable got shut off, I just told him, "Well, hon you bought such and such so that took away from the cable bill." When he asked why his cell phone got cut off he got the same response. Now he asks me before he spends money on anything and he doesn't ask where his paycheck goes. Hope this helps and if it doesn't then maybe you should drag him to Consumer Credit Counseling and they will point out to him EXACTLY where the money goes

Hello A.,
Dave Ramsey's was great. I did it when I was single and paying off college and credit cards. As for our marriage finances though, we use Microsoft Money to manage transactions and budget items. It downloads the transactions daily from our checking, savings, and certain credit card accounts. Others you can setup and keep track manually. When you first set up the accounts you can tell it to start the transactions from 6 months ago if you want... You then have the ability to a category to each transaction (electricity, household maint, dining out, pet care etc) and later print detail or summary reports. I do the day to day categories - about 5 min a day -and most of the bill paying and print out the reports for my husband. When he asks that kind of question about where the money goes, he is usually very surprised to see just how much he spends himself at Home Depot.. lunch out w/co-workers etc...! (I categorize everything!) I also use online bill pay through our bank and rarely write out a check. Good Luck. Hope this helps at least for short term.

I was going to suggest Financial Peace, too -- We went to a Total Money Makeover seminar 3 years ago and it has helped so much with getting on the same page regarding our finances. We still argue, of course, but not about money. ;)

My husband and I just went through the same thing recently. It is easy for a guy to say us mothers spend too much when kids are involved. We both work full time and separate most house hold tasks. I cannot stand to be questioned though on what I spend when I am only getting necessities. I finally took the check book and handed it to him. I told him he had to do everything...even shopping for the boys. This month was his first month... and what an eye opener it was for him!! Now he realizes how much medicine, school pictures, shoes, shin guards and everything else costs! Now he is willing to be more hands on. I wish I would have done this sooner! Good luck

Hey A.! Your story sounds all too familiar! My husband and I also argued about finances and we argue and everything.... the stress was so much! We got enroll in Dave Ramsey's money seminar, called Financial Peace. www.daveramsey.com, i think is his website. They are held at quite a few places in the area. If we hadn't done that, I don't know where we would be right now. We talk about money, pay bills together- my husband is seriously a more mature man and a better husband, because of that seminar! Its amazing! :) If you want any information, I'd be happy to tell you more! Hope this helps!