Explaining a Missing Bio-parent

Please don't let this man in your child's life if/until he is willing to commit. I consider myself (and my child) so fortunate that her bio-father never really wanted anything to do with her. I let him off of $10,000 of child support just to have his rights removed.
My husband has since adopted her.
I told her when she was 6 that he just wasn't ready to be a dad like her daddy (my husband) is. I told her that God was there to make sure that the right dad came to her and that I found Don. I told her that Don was really meant to be her daddy and that maybe one day when she's older that she can meet her bio-father.
I never bad-mouthed her father. He was a piece of you know what, but if she ever decides to persue that relationship, then I don't want her to have me in the back of her mind telling her anything than what she will feel on her own. Who knows? Maybe by then, he'll be a different man.

Either way, it's very tough. I would say that since your son does have a bond with his dad -- even if it is not the most ideal relationship -- you should let the relationship run it's natural course. From what you have said, it is clear that this guy is inconsistent, thoughtless and not really all that into being a dad, but your son knows he's his dad and if you interfere with that relationship now, you will always be the one to blame why his father is not in his life. I know it's hard to watch your son go through this and to know that he is in for a lot of heartache and disappointment, but let your son be the one who figures out whether or not he should have a relationship with his dad and just be there for him in a very positive and neutral way (i.e., don't bad mouth his dad no matter how much he deserves it) when he needs a shoulder to cry on or he needs someone to put things into better perspective for him.

Blessings to both you and your son.

Good or bad, a child has a right to know their parent. You can't change who his father is, or how he is.
Your son will make up his mind in time. We would all love to protect our kids from the harsh realities of life, but there are some we just can't. Refusing to allow him to see that it is his father who is making bad choices doesn't teach him what he needs to know.

Tiffany,
This is what I would do: first sit down with your son and explain to him that his biological daddy is not a bad person, but just someone that has issues to deal with and may have made bad choices; one of them not being with him as often as he should and not being a consistent part of his life. Nonetheless, God loves him so much and knows how important is to have a daddy around that has blessed him (your son) with your husband so he won't miss anything. Second, I would dial the number for him as many times as he feels the need to call his dad, so he can see that you are not trying to keep him away from him. Third, I would take his dad to court and request visitations, so your son sees that you are trying. As he grows older he will realize that it is up to his biological father to chose to have a relationship with him, and not you. And lastly, I would pray for my son, that God gives him peace and fulfill his desires of a close relationship with his fatther and that God touches his father's heart and bring him close to his child.
Blessings.

This is a tough one. Your son already has a relationship with his Dad and is now upset because he doesn't see him. When he saw him off and on he was upset because his visits were unpredictable. Either way he's upset.

I would need to know more about his bio-father and their relationship when he is around before I could know what was best. Based just on your information I'd suggest that seeing his bio-father hit and miss is marginally better than not seeing him at all. Especially if your son knows that you gave his Dad an ultimatum.

I've found that ultimatums rarely if ever get me what I want. You wanted him to be consistent. Instead he chose to disappear. I'd leave messages that you've changed your mind and that you want him to see his son. I'd let your son hear you saying that and then have him add to the message saying he wants to see his Dad. This helps to put the responsibility back on his Dad and off of you for whether or not he sees his Dad. It may not completely make things "right" in your son's mind because he can still believe that it was your ultimatum that started this.

I would also spend some quiet time with your son, playing a simple game or drawing or some craft and have a conversation about your concern for your son because his father has been inconsistent. Remind him of how disappointed he'd been when his father wasn't around. Do not put a negative spin on it! Just describe the facts, telling your son that this is just the way his Dad is and it's not his fault that Dad isn't around more often. Also that it's not your fault. Tell him you do want him to know his Dad. Sympathize with him about how much he misses him. Do not compare his bio-dad with your husband. Do not suggest Don can be his Dad. No matter what a great Dad Don is he cannot take the bio-Dad's place. They are two different people.

My 9 yo granddaughter has a bio-father that she rarely sees. She is old enough now that they exchange e-mails but I don't know how often. My granddaughter is in love with her bio-father even tho the rest of us don't really understand the dynamics. It's not because he's a great Dad. But he is her Dad and therefore important to her. She makes up stories about time she thinks she's spent with him. She saw him when she was 10 months old and "remembers" it. She saw him next near her 7th birthday and not again since. He hasn't sent cards or gifts for holidays, not even her birthday. But he is her Dad and she attributes all sorts of good times and her own characteristics to him. Her mother and I encourage that because he is a large part of who she is. He lives in AZ. We live in OR which does help explain the lack of presence to her.

My daughter has remarried and my granddaughter calls him Papa. He's a wonderful Papa . My son in lawl is as important to my granddaughter as her birth father is. He's her actual father figure and model. I suspect my granddaughter bases much of what she believes her bio father is on how her step-father is. It's working for her now.

Some day she may discover that her bio father isn't so wonderful but she'll discover that on her own. In the meantime she is thriving knowing that her birth father, Daddy, loves her even tho he's not around. She is also thriving because she feels the love of her Papa. Children can never have too many loving adults in their life. It doesn't matter if the one is more of a fantasy than the other.

If you are able to get your son's birth father back in the picture, even just a little, your son may eventually be able to stop longing for him because he does have a Dad in Don. If his birth father isn't around and your son believes it's because you told him not to be then he will continue to yearn for him.

At 7 your son probably understands more than you realize. My daughter has talked openly with her daughter about her birth father. She does not bad mouth him but she does say, he's just not very consistent and it's not because of you. That's just the way he is. He loves you very much. My daughter also calls the birth father and puts Monet on the phone. Her birth father does not call her. It doesn't matter who initiates the calls. It's important that the child is able to talk with their birth father if it's possible. Have some, even if it's limited, contact allows the child to be a part of ongoing history. The child is a part of the father. That doesn't mean he'll absorb the negative behavior. In fact he's more likely to reject the negative behavior when he's experienced it. Otherwise he hangs onto an unrealistic fantasy and feels anger.

My granddaughter's fantasy about her birth father is idealized but she experiences the reality of his inconsistencies. She also feels his love because we encourage her to experience that and we stay away, for the most part, from the negative side of his character We acknowledge the negative when she's expressing disappointment but we don't judge it. It is just the way it is. We would like to say, "he's a flake." but we don't. We sympathize with her feelings and tell her that even tho he didn't send a card we know he does love her. He just isn't the card sending sort.

I do believe that he loves her. Otherwise I wouldn't say he does. I think that since your son's birth father has spent some time with him he does love him. He just doesn't show it in ways that we expect..

Never offer. Never refuse. If he calls and wants to see his son, just ask when and where. Stay close-by during the visitation; maybe even keep them in sight. Or allow it to happen at your house, (even invite him over for dinner?). Absolutely NO overnights. You don't know if bio-dad is living in a crack-house or worse. Sometime in the future, if bio-dad gets stable, gets a house, perhaps a wife and family and your son is 10-years-old or older, then an overnighter might be a possibility. For now, when your son is asking about him, say "Let's call him right now and you can leave him a message telling him that you love him, and hope all is well, and that you hope to see him soon!" (Read book "The Prodigal Father")

Mikelle has said what I would say. I fell in love with a man my mom dated for awhile, who then dropped out of our lives. I waited for maybe a year, asking frequently, "When's Wally coming back," because my mom kept stalling about telling us the truth. She hoped we'd just forget, but love is strong and patient. When she finally told us he was gone for good, I cried so much I missed a couple of days of school. I still have a little spot in my heart that aches for the loss, but life does go on. And sad as it was, it did give me the opportunity to close that door in my emotional life that was standing open for so long.

Tell your son the simple truth, that his father was not, and is still not, grown up enough to be a good dad. That's not saying he's a bad guy, that's just an honest observation.

Acknowledge your son's deep wish to have his father love and want him. There is really nothing either of you can do about that desire, and denying it won't make it go away. Don't try to stuff up the hole in his life with his nurturing daddy (that would amount to a form of denial); let him do that. He'll get there eventually. It will take whatever time it takes. He'll need time to grieve first.

So sorry.